I do not ask, O Lord, that life may be
A pleasant road;
I do not ask that thou would'st take from me
Aught of its load.
For one thing only, Lord, dear Lord, I plead:
Lead me aright--
Though strength should falter, and though heart should bleed--
Through peace to light.
--Adelaide A. Procter.
According to Rick Warren, there are three questions that are unanswerable.
Why me.
Why this.
Why now.
I haven't written anything since my meltdown two Fridays ago. As much as I have embraced my cancer these past nine years, an encounter that particular day with a young lady really got me thinking. Mind you, I've already had a horrible day. It really has not been an easy transition this time around. I'm older (51 1/2) and I could see a real difference in how my body recovered from surgery and treatment. It was slow and exhausting.
I met this young lady in the changing room of my radiation simulation. Her mom was here for her daily dosage of treatment. We began a conversation no different from any others I may have had. What kind of cancer do you have? What was different was her incredulous expression that I still have a job and that I drive myself. She then proceeded, incredulously, to ask me if I had any symptoms. Believe me, I could not shake off both her expression and questions for the remainder of the day.
When I told Emily of my conversation, her response was "Well mom, you have a different attitude about your cancer, you've found Christ." As upset as Emily was about this encounter and the young girl's upsetting remarks, I think it's something else entirely. I don't believe the girl was being disrespectful in any way. I believe I was in total contrast to where her mom was at emotionally, spiritually and possibly physically. I already went through what she was going through now. This was my fourth and her mom's first. It's a huge difference here.
Yet, I couldn't shake off this feeling that there was something there I needed to see. It truly bothered me. I kept asking myself why am I doing this? Why am I going through all of this only for it to come back in a year or two? Who am I trying to impress with all the busyness of my life? The ministry, the blogging, working:what am I trying to prove?
A lot of soul searching has gone on within my heart . I know I haven't been around for a while posting any blogs since my meltdown. I needed some much needed and deserved break from all the social media outlets. We have decided to turn off the television, the internet and staying away from games on Facebook and even e-mails. Instead, we have focused on the quiet. We watched old DVD movies like Terminator and Bourne. We spent every evening working out together to the Biggest Loser. There was such silence in the apartment, it felt both weird and relaxing at the same time. A pad and a pen became my therapist in place of all of you. I cleaned out my storage unit, all my drawers and even had time to go through my desk's paperwork.
You see, I just wanted to think. I wanted stillness, the silence. I didn't want to hang around anyone except for Church. I wanted to really think about what was going on in my heart. Obviously, something was hindering my emotions, desperately wanting to burst forth. What I wanted, what I needed to let go of, I just didn't know what that was. There is always something we need to let go of or learn. I've been feeling a deep sense of dissatisfaction and not only in one area of my life. I spoke with Joey. He listened and spoke to me not as a son, but as a Pastor and counselor. I love being a mother of adult children, because we can have an equal footing conversation.
I've discovered that during this entire treatment I have been uneasy. I felt like a cat or a dog that keeps circling over and over again on his bed until he finds that certain spot. Only problem, I haven't found that spot. I have been feeling dissatisfied with my job, my car, my Ministry and even my writing. Being unhappy and being dissatisfied are two totally separate things. Overall, I am happy, but I wish improvements in certain areas of my life. Things weren't where I wanted them to be. Does that make sense?
I'm not sure what all of this means, but I do recognize the fact that I've been waiting on God and He's been waiting on me. All of my life, I've been scared to step out boldly, opting for the safe things. Everything God wants me to be are right there in front of me. So why am I so afraid to step out onto the water and walk towards it? If I truly trust Him, I won't drown. There's that word again, trust. Am I scared? Absolutely, but I'm tired of feeling dissatisfied with the way things are going. It's time to do something about it.
Have a Blessed day everyone.
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