everyday is a journey.
Being social in Church is not an easy thing for me, especially since my mentor Anna left over five years ago, moving to Texas. I'd rather write about it then talk about it. Since we both were single moms, it was easy to hang out together, especially when it came to Church events. It's a good thing to have a buddy for those awkward moments we all go through when it comes to meeting new people. Breaking the ice, not an easy thing for me. Give me a blank sheet of paper and I will pour my heart out. Ask me to speak to someone face to face, I clam up my emotions faster than Roadrunner.
When a neighborhood Church opened up it's doors, I could't be more delighted. I no longer had to travel a distance, so I quickly joined. Being a newbie Christian, I embraced the Church life. I loved the idea of a Church family, I wanted to belong. I volunteered and supported every event, showing up to fellowship. It didn't matter how difficult it may have been for me to engage, but I gave it my all. I wanted to be part of them.
Too bad that none of them wanted me on a personal level. Sure, they loved my volunteering and show of support, but never invited me to their BBQ or their home. Unless it involved Church business. I would watch on social media as the main group in Church would go out together to the movies, a coffee, a game night at their homes. At Church they would embrace me, hug me, tell me how much they loved me. Showing that beyond the Church walls was a different matter. I kept trying, maybe if I volunteered more, showed up more, maybe then I would become one of them.
When I decided to take a break, they took my Ministry out of the Church bulletin. When I began visiting other Churches to be fed, the ladies from Church that were in my Ministry, stopped coming. Oh, they wanted to concentrate on their families or had way too much going on right now, but I knew what was what. I had cancer four times and not once has any of them called me, prayed over me, prayed over Emily, made me a meal or anything.
That Church broke my heart. Where was that Church family of believers that one hears about every Sunday? Certainly not there. I know that every Church is different. Believe me, I have been to many who are the real thing. The one I go to now is the real thing, but it has changed me in how I approach others. There is a wall I've placed around me.
I've kept all of this inside of me for the past two years, trying to work it out on my own. It seems that I cannot. Something with this radiation has changed me. I don't want to hide things inside of me any longer. This is my hurt. This is the pain I carry. I need to say it out loud and throw it in the trash where it belongs. I believe in that family Church where people care about one another. I believe it can and does exist. My son is a Pastor, for heaven's sake! It's these little cliques that accept certain types that give us Christians a black eye. That has to change people.
Have a Blessed day everyone.
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