Dieting has been a major focus in our home since my cancer seven years ago . Emily and I have been on a quest , trying out anything that didn't involve a pill .
We tried the health club thing . Everyday , it was the elliptical , the treadmill and the bicycle . The gym holds an even tie with public transportation as the most germ infested , disgustingly unclean place . I would watch people use equipment and not wipe it down afterwards . Yuck , yuck and a triple yuck . When my cancer returned , I practically leaped with glee right out the door and never returned .
So then , we decided to buy an elliptical machine and exercise at home . This thing came in a million pieces to assemble , which I did all by myself . We still use it . . . occasionally , but never with a fervor we first imagined .
Then came the diets : The slimfast 3-2-1 , the macro diets of juicing only , fasting , paleo , portion-sizing , veggies and fruits only , the cabbage
soup , weight watchers , no carbohydrates etc. to name a few .
The problem with all of the above isn't that they don't work . The problem is that we stop them when we lose the weight we desire . Hence , the weight piles on again . We need to learn how to eat , not how to lose weight .
A memory came to mind the other day . The memory of my last
pregnancy . I gained quite a bit of weight and looked more overweight than pregnant . When the baby was born , the weight stayed with me unlike the other three .
Everyday , for almost six months , I exercised for 30 minutes to a program on television . The pounds didn't slide off quick at all , but took their time , but they came off .
I don't want to do diets anymore . I definitely don't want to keep getting on a scale every week and I don't want to care how much I weigh . I should not care what people say about my size nor should I allow that to bother me . This should not be the number one priority in my life .
So we have come to a decision not to diet any longer . We will continue eating as healthy as possible with only one goal and that is to be healthy on the inside .
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Monday, April 28, 2014
April Update
It has occurred to me that I haven't done an update in quite awhile . So here goes . . .
I have been on second shift for over two months now . At first , the lack of time available before or after work was a huge shock to me . I've had problems not keeping up before making the move , now they were almost impossible to accomplish . I've found myself taking days off to just finish up projects . What worked on third definitely wasn't working here .
There are benefits to being on this shift . I feel so rested , long gone are the days of falling asleep at the wheel . This dreaded , beaten down tiredness doesn't exist anymore . I could sleep four hours and still wake up feeling good . Our bodies are meant to sleep at night and consume meals during the day . Our metabolism works for us and not against us .
The majority of the work gets done on the weekends . I find myself being up with the rooster , feeling refreshed and ready to begin the day . I actually get to enjoy the entire weekend and that makes up for lack of time during the work week . After two months , I can actually see myself falling into a comfortable routine .
I have also made many changes to my serving/volunteering/ministry
work . I want to go to the next level and minister to our community , whether that means passing out supplies to the homeless or visiting seniors in Recovery Centers . My main concern has become this blog and my crocheting ministry . Let's take it up a notch , folks .
There is a deep desire within me to go out and better myself . Going back to school for some courses is definitely on my mind . The financial class is at an end and I am glad to have participated in it . It has changed my view and habits of money management .
The year began with a huge bang . It didn't matter if I was ready for it or not , God has placed me on this path . Here I am walking on it and just try to trip me .
Have a Blessed day everyone .
I have been on second shift for over two months now . At first , the lack of time available before or after work was a huge shock to me . I've had problems not keeping up before making the move , now they were almost impossible to accomplish . I've found myself taking days off to just finish up projects . What worked on third definitely wasn't working here .
There are benefits to being on this shift . I feel so rested , long gone are the days of falling asleep at the wheel . This dreaded , beaten down tiredness doesn't exist anymore . I could sleep four hours and still wake up feeling good . Our bodies are meant to sleep at night and consume meals during the day . Our metabolism works for us and not against us .
The majority of the work gets done on the weekends . I find myself being up with the rooster , feeling refreshed and ready to begin the day . I actually get to enjoy the entire weekend and that makes up for lack of time during the work week . After two months , I can actually see myself falling into a comfortable routine .
I have also made many changes to my serving/volunteering/ministry
work . I want to go to the next level and minister to our community , whether that means passing out supplies to the homeless or visiting seniors in Recovery Centers . My main concern has become this blog and my crocheting ministry . Let's take it up a notch , folks .
There is a deep desire within me to go out and better myself . Going back to school for some courses is definitely on my mind . The financial class is at an end and I am glad to have participated in it . It has changed my view and habits of money management .
The year began with a huge bang . It didn't matter if I was ready for it or not , God has placed me on this path . Here I am walking on it and just try to trip me .
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Orphaned Me
As all of you may remember , my healthcare provider has not been able to come to an agreement with my hospital / cancer clinic , so I no longer have a doctor / hospital . I guess , it is a very good thing I am in remission right now and not needing any treatment . What would I have done ? Postponed treatment until further notice ?
Sometimes , I feel like hospitals and insurance providers are more like a business rather than an institution to help people get better . It's always about the money and making even more money .
I went one last time , more to say goodbye then to get any examinations done . It was tearful to say the least . They have seen me in ways that even a husband hasn't , (:.:) , now we have to start all over again .
So now that I'm an orphan , what and where do I go ? One of the things my former oncologist and I discussed was the different care available per hospitals in Illinois . They are a tight knit community having worked together at one time or another . Since all of them seemed similar in credentials , I asked my doctor what I should do .
Her answer was simple enough . Choose whether you want a male or female , then go for what is closer to your home . I have traveled a little ways in these past seven years , the idea of not having to do so seemed great news to me .
Right now , I have two hospitals I'm keeping in mind . One has a male oncologist and the other a female . I prefer the female , but it will depend on my insurance first .
Being without a doctor is not the only way I'm an orphan . I have started a new position on a new shift where small groups have been already formed . I've also began new ventures in my Ministry work . It seems I really have put myself out there , trying new waters . I wonder how I will do?
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Sometimes , I feel like hospitals and insurance providers are more like a business rather than an institution to help people get better . It's always about the money and making even more money .
I went one last time , more to say goodbye then to get any examinations done . It was tearful to say the least . They have seen me in ways that even a husband hasn't , (:.:) , now we have to start all over again .
So now that I'm an orphan , what and where do I go ? One of the things my former oncologist and I discussed was the different care available per hospitals in Illinois . They are a tight knit community having worked together at one time or another . Since all of them seemed similar in credentials , I asked my doctor what I should do .
Her answer was simple enough . Choose whether you want a male or female , then go for what is closer to your home . I have traveled a little ways in these past seven years , the idea of not having to do so seemed great news to me .
Right now , I have two hospitals I'm keeping in mind . One has a male oncologist and the other a female . I prefer the female , but it will depend on my insurance first .
Being without a doctor is not the only way I'm an orphan . I have started a new position on a new shift where small groups have been already formed . I've also began new ventures in my Ministry work . It seems I really have put myself out there , trying new waters . I wonder how I will do?
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Saturday, April 26, 2014
I Had A Dream
I drifted off to sleep not knowing the time nor my last thought . I felt very tired after coming home from work and all the plans I made in my mind for this weekend were put aside for the moment as I slept .
Hours later , the minute my eyes opened , I remembered my dream as if it occurred seconds ago . I felt happy and refreshed , lingering in bed to savor the moment . A feeling of immense contentment and peace filled my being .
In my dream , I walked into a familiar room filled with boxes . The floor was littered with them . I opened them up , only to find yarn of every color and design known to man . Each box held brighter and more beautiful colors then the last .
I remember the feelings running through me . The excitement , the thrill and amazement at the sight of being surrounded by something I so thoroughly enjoy . The pleasure and satisfaction of creating something beautiful for others to enjoy by simply blending colors together .
Even now as I recall the details , my fingers are itching to get started . I am truly Blessed to have found my calling . I know the dream signifies God's promise of provision for this Ministry . . . His Ministry . Bigger and better things are definitely coming .
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Hours later , the minute my eyes opened , I remembered my dream as if it occurred seconds ago . I felt happy and refreshed , lingering in bed to savor the moment . A feeling of immense contentment and peace filled my being .
In my dream , I walked into a familiar room filled with boxes . The floor was littered with them . I opened them up , only to find yarn of every color and design known to man . Each box held brighter and more beautiful colors then the last .
I remember the feelings running through me . The excitement , the thrill and amazement at the sight of being surrounded by something I so thoroughly enjoy . The pleasure and satisfaction of creating something beautiful for others to enjoy by simply blending colors together .
Even now as I recall the details , my fingers are itching to get started . I am truly Blessed to have found my calling . I know the dream signifies God's promise of provision for this Ministry . . . His Ministry . Bigger and better things are definitely coming .
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Friday, April 25, 2014
The End Is Near
And now the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend I'll say it clear
I'll state my case of which I'm certain
Read more: Frank Sinatra - My Way Lyrics | MetroLyrics
Next week will mark the final days of third shift at work .
Even though , the majority of us are already on our
perspective shifts , there is a bit nostalgic feeling here .
Almost the entire crew has only known or worked with the people on this shift . We may be happy and well rested , but at times , we miss the familiarity of each other's company .
The other day , I found myself looking at old pictures of the old crew . I have cried with these people and I have laughed . We have shared our lives , argued passionately with one another , and been there when needed .
So without further ado , here is my crew .
Have a Blessed day everyone .
And so I face the final curtain
My friend I'll say it clear
I'll state my case of which I'm certain
Read more: Frank Sinatra - My Way Lyrics | MetroLyrics
Next week will mark the final days of third shift at work .
Even though , the majority of us are already on our
perspective shifts , there is a bit nostalgic feeling here .
Almost the entire crew has only known or worked with the people on this shift . We may be happy and well rested , but at times , we miss the familiarity of each other's company .
The other day , I found myself looking at old pictures of the old crew . I have cried with these people and I have laughed . We have shared our lives , argued passionately with one another , and been there when needed .
So without further ado , here is my crew .
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Throwback Thursday
I smiled when I re-read this story from Fall of 2011 . I remember this young man very well . I wonder if his disposition has changed at all ?
My feelings , though , have not changed regarding my relationships with loved ones . I still have a desire to make friends rather than foes . I have learned that although I may want to bury the hatchet and start over again in peace , others do not . This is still difficult to accept .
I have changed . In time of troubles and
arguments , I basically hyper-ventilate with
distress , losing sleep . Peace at all costs , my new motto .
Every morning I drop Emily off to work and every morning I run into this young man who delivers all the baking goods . I irritate this young man .I don't move fast enough for him.I'm in his way . I park in the wrong spot. My very presence seems to send him off into a tirade of slamming car doors and throwing things around , waving hand gestures.
What is he so angry about?What could be so important to generate such anger. I don't know but I felt sorry for him.This anger will eat him alive .
It seems that a tragedy has to occurr for us to be thankful and appreciative of our family , our friends.....our lives.I know I have changed.Things are just not that important to me anymore.
Who cares if the guy in front of me cuts me off.Whats the rush? How about the friends that we always say we'll get together with but never find the time.Or a playdate with our own children because we feel like we need to work all the time.
I want to find time to do these things.I want to find time for the people in my life.Let go of past issues that are weighing us down.Arguments with others. Are they really that important? If a tragedy struck your family......believe me these issues wouldn't even matter
Have a Blessed day everyone .
What is he so angry about?What could be so important to generate such anger. I don't know but I felt sorry for him.This anger will eat him alive .
It seems that a tragedy has to occurr for us to be thankful and appreciative of our family , our friends.....our lives.I know I have changed.Things are just not that important to me anymore.
Who cares if the guy in front of me cuts me off.Whats the rush? How about the friends that we always say we'll get together with but never find the time.Or a playdate with our own children because we feel like we need to work all the time.
I want to find time to do these things.I want to find time for the people in my life.Let go of past issues that are weighing us down.Arguments with others. Are they really that important? If a tragedy struck your family......believe me these issues wouldn't even matter
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
We Reap What We Sow
We reap what we sow . This one phrase can be translated in every language , in every Country , in every religion and it's meaning rings loud and clear . There's no mistake or confusion in it's translation . It's the same all over the world .
It's amazing to me that people can spend their entire life mistreating others in every way imaginable and not think their behavior wrong . In fact , I've heard one such person be offended at being called a sinner .
During a conversation with an upper management superior , they brought out something quite interesting .
" People like that are bullies , Lottie ."
Yes , they are . . . . bullies .
Bullies attract other bullies . They strike at our vulnerabilities , because they are miserable . They're not happy with the path they have chosen and instead of changing their life for the better , they choose an even worse path .
We reap what we sow .
We've all experienced these bullies at work and in our personal life . Yesterday , I ran into one of my own . It lasted only a few minutes , and yet , they were able to put me in a place I've struggled to get out of for years . Memories came flooding back and I sat in my car reliving them
all .
Now , in the light of day , I found I needed that to happen . It's called closure . That experience will not occur again . The era of that time has ended and even if I were to have some of these people in my life again , it wouldn't be the same as then . Their reign of terror is over .
I have made many mistakes in my past and I have wronged
many people . Things have been said and things done that I now regret and I'm sorry about . None of us are exempt from making mistakes or from hurting others . The difference here is the acknowledgment and desire to learn from these mistakes .
When I rose from the Baptismal waters six years ago , I have made a decision to live a righteous life . I may have inadvertently hurt someone along the way , but I have definitely tried to right any wrongs . My past may have been forgiven , but I still have to pay the consequences of my choices .
We reap what we sow , my friends . We cannot be angry at the world at the outcome of our life when we alone are to blame . If we have mistreated people all of our life , we can hardly expect them to treat us like royalty . The fruits of our labor will be eaten rather they are rotten to the core or the most delicious ever tasted . Which would you prefer ?
Have a Blessed day everyone .
It's amazing to me that people can spend their entire life mistreating others in every way imaginable and not think their behavior wrong . In fact , I've heard one such person be offended at being called a sinner .
During a conversation with an upper management superior , they brought out something quite interesting .
" People like that are bullies , Lottie ."
Yes , they are . . . . bullies .
Bullies attract other bullies . They strike at our vulnerabilities , because they are miserable . They're not happy with the path they have chosen and instead of changing their life for the better , they choose an even worse path .
We reap what we sow .
We've all experienced these bullies at work and in our personal life . Yesterday , I ran into one of my own . It lasted only a few minutes , and yet , they were able to put me in a place I've struggled to get out of for years . Memories came flooding back and I sat in my car reliving them
all .
Now , in the light of day , I found I needed that to happen . It's called closure . That experience will not occur again . The era of that time has ended and even if I were to have some of these people in my life again , it wouldn't be the same as then . Their reign of terror is over .
I have made many mistakes in my past and I have wronged
many people . Things have been said and things done that I now regret and I'm sorry about . None of us are exempt from making mistakes or from hurting others . The difference here is the acknowledgment and desire to learn from these mistakes .
When I rose from the Baptismal waters six years ago , I have made a decision to live a righteous life . I may have inadvertently hurt someone along the way , but I have definitely tried to right any wrongs . My past may have been forgiven , but I still have to pay the consequences of my choices .
We reap what we sow , my friends . We cannot be angry at the world at the outcome of our life when we alone are to blame . If we have mistreated people all of our life , we can hardly expect them to treat us like royalty . The fruits of our labor will be eaten rather they are rotten to the core or the most delicious ever tasted . Which would you prefer ?
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Monday, April 21, 2014
More Weddings
Another wedding , a renewal of their vows , this time . To every woman I have mentioned this to , they thought it was highly romantic . To the man ? Highly expensive .
To us women , it's more than a renewal . To us it's an reaffirmation that he would marry us all over again . After many years of marriage , it's a beautiful act of love to know he feels the same as before .
As much as I love Weddings , this one still surprised me . The minute I walked in , I was greeted by an old friend I haven't seen in ages . Then another and another . . . .
It set the tone for the evening . It was so much fun to catch up on old times , to see how much we have changed and for some , not at all .
People walk out of our lives through what seems at times a revolving door , but not forever . We end up running into each other down the road as we cross paths , even for a minute or two .
As I drove home that night , a warm feeling enveloped my being , glad that I made time to come . I had a wonderful time , a memory to tuck away forever .
Imagine , the reunion that will be held in Heaven as we run into our friends and family . The stories we will share and the memories we will make . I hope to see you there .
Have a Blessed day everyone .
To us women , it's more than a renewal . To us it's an reaffirmation that he would marry us all over again . After many years of marriage , it's a beautiful act of love to know he feels the same as before .
As much as I love Weddings , this one still surprised me . The minute I walked in , I was greeted by an old friend I haven't seen in ages . Then another and another . . . .
It set the tone for the evening . It was so much fun to catch up on old times , to see how much we have changed and for some , not at all .
People walk out of our lives through what seems at times a revolving door , but not forever . We end up running into each other down the road as we cross paths , even for a minute or two .
As I drove home that night , a warm feeling enveloped my being , glad that I made time to come . I had a wonderful time , a memory to tuck away forever .
Imagine , the reunion that will be held in Heaven as we run into our friends and family . The stories we will share and the memories we will make . I hope to see you there .
Here are more weddings !
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Throwback Thursday
For this edition of Throwback Thursday , I've reached deep inside for something on a lighter side . People
have been very worried about me since a lot of this material has been difficult to read .
I do have to remind all of you that during this time , I really had a hard time with cancer coming back . I believed I would die and the chemo was very unpleasant , too .
Chemo on television is portrayed in one way , usually with a bald , fragile victim covered with crocheted afghans , throwing up in the bathroom and smoking a joint to relief the pain . Believe me , there are many different reactions as well as different varieties of chemotherapy .
So , sit back and enjoy one of my son's favorite story I've ever written . Let me tell you that I still remember this day so clearly in my mind .
Best Thing I Ever Ate
The nausea started as I wove in and out of the store aisles.Hoping to get all my shopping done as soon as possible I grabbed items quickly without really looking....one of them was a box of ordinary saltines.
Starting my car I opened a box of saltines.Popped one into my mouth.Never ...has anything ...tasted ...this good .It hit my stomach in just the right way.I closed my eyes and savored every crunchy bite.I picked up every crumb that fallen onto my lap.I just couldn't get enough of this stuff.My nausea was gone and forgotten.Flipped the ON switch and K-LOVE came on.The sun was shining,music was playing and I was munching starved for this stuff.
I felt like a teenager on a joyride.I was in heaven.Actually heard myself making "mmmmm" comments. Took a swig of my water...perfect..aahhh!!!!.What was so good about this?I know for sure I have eaten better ,lip smacking food.How come nothing ever tasted this good before?
Then a memory appeared of my first time at Willowcreek Church.I remember the peace I felt.How I looked down at my watch and a whole hour and half had passed and I didn't even notice!!Amazing!!! I understood the "sermon". No way.And I was in no hurry to leave.What was going on people? That was the beginning of the rest of my life.
There was a seed planted that day in the pit of my stomache. And it grew.Now nothing else satisfies me like that saltine. No amount of bonbons or eclairs could give me the nourishment that my soul needs.I can't image my life without Christ. HE satisfies my hunger.
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Starting my car I opened a box of saltines.Popped one into my mouth.Never ...has anything ...tasted ...this good .It hit my stomach in just the right way.I closed my eyes and savored every crunchy bite.I picked up every crumb that fallen onto my lap.I just couldn't get enough of this stuff.My nausea was gone and forgotten.Flipped the ON switch and K-LOVE came on.The sun was shining,music was playing and I was munching starved for this stuff.
I felt like a teenager on a joyride.I was in heaven.Actually heard myself making "mmmmm" comments. Took a swig of my water...perfect..aahhh!!!!.What was so good about this?I know for sure I have eaten better ,lip smacking food.How come nothing ever tasted this good before?
Then a memory appeared of my first time at Willowcreek Church.I remember the peace I felt.How I looked down at my watch and a whole hour and half had passed and I didn't even notice!!Amazing!!! I understood the "sermon". No way.And I was in no hurry to leave.What was going on people? That was the beginning of the rest of my life.
There was a seed planted that day in the pit of my stomache. And it grew.Now nothing else satisfies me like that saltine. No amount of bonbons or eclairs could give me the nourishment that my soul needs.I can't image my life without Christ. HE satisfies my hunger.
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Saying I Do
Weddings bring out the softer and more emotional side inside of us . Weddings represent a new beginning , a new hope and everlasting love . Who wouldn't be sentimental with all of that ? Spring is here and with it comes the wedding season . This month alone , I have
two .
I love seeing young people enter into matrimony , because marriage seems to be going out of style . Couples prefer to live together instead of tying the knot in case things don't work out . When I was their age , my feelings were the same .
I just didn't appreciate what marriage could do for me . Having experienced a truly horrible relationship myself , I didn't want to bother with the prospect of yet another one like it in my life . Basically , I gave up and settled for the mediocre .
Being alone is very difficult and young people don't understand , because they feel they have all the time in the world , so why not enjoy themselves now . Later on they will truly appreciate that two heads are definitely better than one !
In the last three years , I have witnessed a few weddings and I certainly hope this sets a trend for the future . They're all still together and I sincerely pray that God continues to Bless their union .
Just to name a few . Have a Blessed day everyone .
two .
I love seeing young people enter into matrimony , because marriage seems to be going out of style . Couples prefer to live together instead of tying the knot in case things don't work out . When I was their age , my feelings were the same .
I just didn't appreciate what marriage could do for me . Having experienced a truly horrible relationship myself , I didn't want to bother with the prospect of yet another one like it in my life . Basically , I gave up and settled for the mediocre .
Being alone is very difficult and young people don't understand , because they feel they have all the time in the world , so why not enjoy themselves now . Later on they will truly appreciate that two heads are definitely better than one !
In the last three years , I have witnessed a few weddings and I certainly hope this sets a trend for the future . They're all still together and I sincerely pray that God continues to Bless their union .
Just to name a few . Have a Blessed day everyone .
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
A Work Of Art
My fingers ached with the pain of over-exertion of the embroidery needle . Eyes burning , too much coffee and not enough sleep , my body felt no different . I've spent my entire day and night working on these works of art . Art ? At least , they are to me .
Never has anything meant so much to me as these simple creations made by my hands . They're not grand nor are they rich in texture or design , but they came from my heart .
I know it's difficult for people to understand the passion I feel for my Ministry . I'm the crazy crochet lady , but I feel I was made to do this . If only people felt the same as I , imagine what we could do together .
Things weren't always like this . I didn't have a path , a journey to speak of , but traveled on impulse than actual purpose . Look how long it took me to get where I am today . How can I be upset with mankind then ?
I can't , because we have free will to choose the way we want to
go in life . Unfortunately , most of the journey we go on the wrong path , lost and confused . I don't ever want to go back to that trail again .
I wish I could do this for a living , instead of a past-time . This provides so much joy and fulfillment in my life . If a couple of day pass without my working on something , my nerves go out of whack and I become stressed .
My only regret ? Why did it take me so long to realize this passion ?
Such a waste .
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Never has anything meant so much to me as these simple creations made by my hands . They're not grand nor are they rich in texture or design , but they came from my heart .
I know it's difficult for people to understand the passion I feel for my Ministry . I'm the crazy crochet lady , but I feel I was made to do this . If only people felt the same as I , imagine what we could do together .
Things weren't always like this . I didn't have a path , a journey to speak of , but traveled on impulse than actual purpose . Look how long it took me to get where I am today . How can I be upset with mankind then ?
I can't , because we have free will to choose the way we want to
go in life . Unfortunately , most of the journey we go on the wrong path , lost and confused . I don't ever want to go back to that trail again .
I wish I could do this for a living , instead of a past-time . This provides so much joy and fulfillment in my life . If a couple of day pass without my working on something , my nerves go out of whack and I become stressed .
My only regret ? Why did it take me so long to realize this passion ?
Such a waste .
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Monday, April 14, 2014
The Stages Of Grief
It's 04:30 a.m. and I am up working at playing catch-up with the different roles in my life . As usual , I'm behind . Can we ever get anything done ?
I struggle to maintain some semblance of order and completion of projects , but we all know the real culprit . . . . me . I take on way more than what I can handle . If we went back and re-read everything I have written from start to finish , there is something that keeps repeating itself . . . . time .
Time changes everything . We never have enough of it and we are not aware of it's passage , but we crave it . Time changes our behavior . It can heal our broken hearts as well as our finding someone new to love . We can say goodbye to someone in death and welcome a newborn babe at the same time . We can be filled with sorrow now , but we know that in time , we will see another rainbow .
In Kubler-Ross’ model, she listed five stages of grief we
experience when someone we love dies . I believe this can
apply to all areas of our life .
I struggle to maintain some semblance of order and completion of projects , but we all know the real culprit . . . . me . I take on way more than what I can handle . If we went back and re-read everything I have written from start to finish , there is something that keeps repeating itself . . . . time .
Time changes everything . We never have enough of it and we are not aware of it's passage , but we crave it . Time changes our behavior . It can heal our broken hearts as well as our finding someone new to love . We can say goodbye to someone in death and welcome a newborn babe at the same time . We can be filled with sorrow now , but we know that in time , we will see another rainbow .
In Kubler-Ross’ model, she listed five stages of grief we
experience when someone we love dies . I believe this can
apply to all areas of our life .
1 . denial,
2 . anger,
3 . bargaining,
4 . depression,
5 . and acceptance.
All five are applicable to romance , health issues , work
relations , children and even marriage . We can go on and
the list would be endless . `
So , how does it all relate to me ? Well , at first , I believe I
can do it all . It just requires a little organizational skill ,
another word for it , denial .
Then I become angry , because I have to do everything and
no one helps me . If everyone would just do their part , I
wouldn't be so behind .
Which leads to my bargaining with God . Maybe the lights
will go out at work and we will be sent home and I can finish
this on time . Or maybe God will see that I'm tired and it will
be a very slow day at work and I can come home early . What
do you think God ?
None of the above works , so I become depressed , because I
am a failure ! Let's leave this one at one sentence , nothing
more to be said here.
After realizing , ( and the date of the project is here ) that
there is no way I can finish , I accept that no one is perfect .
Life is too short and we will try to do better next time .
Sounds Familiar ?
Have a Blessed day everyone .
All five are applicable to romance , health issues , work
relations , children and even marriage . We can go on and
the list would be endless . `
So , how does it all relate to me ? Well , at first , I believe I
can do it all . It just requires a little organizational skill ,
another word for it , denial .
Then I become angry , because I have to do everything and
no one helps me . If everyone would just do their part , I
wouldn't be so behind .
Which leads to my bargaining with God . Maybe the lights
will go out at work and we will be sent home and I can finish
this on time . Or maybe God will see that I'm tired and it will
be a very slow day at work and I can come home early . What
do you think God ?
None of the above works , so I become depressed , because I
am a failure ! Let's leave this one at one sentence , nothing
more to be said here.
After realizing , ( and the date of the project is here ) that
there is no way I can finish , I accept that no one is perfect .
Life is too short and we will try to do better next time .
Sounds Familiar ?
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Saturday, April 12, 2014
The Daily Rituals
Every morning , the first thing I do is have a cup of coffee and Emily has her green tea . We meet in my bedroom where the tales of the night before are told and the days agenda is planned . Then we go our separate ways .
At supper time , after I say Grace , Emily reads a random verse from the Bible and we discuss what it means . Sometimes , that verse actually pertains to whatever the prayer happened to have been .
Where we eat our supper plays a huge role , too . We have a Couch day and a Table day . On Couch day , we sit comfortably in our comfy spots in the living room as we dine , watching a movie or favorite show . On Table day , it's more formal where we sit in the kitchen with the television off and actually have to converse with one another while we break
bread .
Sunday is our family day . That is the one day where we try not to fill with any appointments or events if we can help it . That day is strictly reserved for God and family . We do occasionally have a Wedding or something of that nature , but very rarely .
These are just some of our daily rituals that we do in our little family . Many people believe that daily rituals make a person boring , but I believe they provide a sense of security to our loved ones . For me , these rituals offer a purpose to fulfill , a reason to get up and face whatever comes your way . No matter how bad things can get , these rituals will always be there .
Another plus ? Watching my son perform some of his childhood rituals with Tim and Hannah .
Have a Blessed day everyone .
At supper time , after I say Grace , Emily reads a random verse from the Bible and we discuss what it means . Sometimes , that verse actually pertains to whatever the prayer happened to have been .
Where we eat our supper plays a huge role , too . We have a Couch day and a Table day . On Couch day , we sit comfortably in our comfy spots in the living room as we dine , watching a movie or favorite show . On Table day , it's more formal where we sit in the kitchen with the television off and actually have to converse with one another while we break
bread .
Sunday is our family day . That is the one day where we try not to fill with any appointments or events if we can help it . That day is strictly reserved for God and family . We do occasionally have a Wedding or something of that nature , but very rarely .
These are just some of our daily rituals that we do in our little family . Many people believe that daily rituals make a person boring , but I believe they provide a sense of security to our loved ones . For me , these rituals offer a purpose to fulfill , a reason to get up and face whatever comes your way . No matter how bad things can get , these rituals will always be there .
Another plus ? Watching my son perform some of his childhood rituals with Tim and Hannah .
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Throwback Thursday
If you have a chronic illness , you have had to deal with the idea of death . Either you come to terms with it or you allow it to take over your life . It's that simple .
Everyone I have spoken to has the same worry concerning death , the ones we leave behind . Who will take care of them ? What will happen to them ? That seems to be the number one concern . The second ? We want a quick and painless death , hopefully in our sleep .
Either way , death will come , whether we are ready for it or not . Wouldn't it be better if we were ? We take charge of our lives here on Earth and try to control the path we take . Why not do the same with our eternal life as well . . .
Why Are We So Afraid To Die ?
We , as Christians , have been taught about Heaven.We look forward to seeing Christ face to face.We know that it is a place filled with love , where sorrow and pain doesn't exist.It is a paradise unlike we have ever known.
Yet, we are so afraid to die. We fight for every breath to stay here.Yet , we know there is something so much better.Something so unbelievably great we can't even imagine it.Why do we do this?Why are we so afraid of dying and going to Heaven?
I know what I'm afraid of .....I'm afraid of what will happen to my children .I want an affirmation that they will be okay.I'm afraid of having not lived to my full potential.That life has passed me by because I have let it.I'm afraid of what I might not be able to experience like a grandchild.But most of all I am afraid of the pain of dying.
I don't want to die a painful death.I don't want to burn to death;or drown ; or get shot or worse .....tortured.I just want to close my eyes and POOF I'm in heaven.I think thats what we all are really afraid of.Its not the dying but the experience of dying.We want it to be nice and easy and comfortable.We want to look good in our coffins.
How many times have we made light of our own funerals. Told our loved ones what kind of songs we want played.What clothes we want to be wearing or last requests that we may make of them.I was in that same place as everyone else.Now , since my first bout with cancer, none of that matters to me.Somehow , I know that when the time comes , I will follow without a backwards glance.Even though , I will be scared...I'm scared now.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
And It Begins
I awoke this morning to the jarring sound of multiple machines going at the same time . Not recognizing this loud piercing noise , I glanced out my bedroom window . An entire team of leaf blowers , lawn mowers and seed sowers were assembled right below my bedroom window taking care of our lawn .
And it begins .
For the rest of the morning and early afternoon , that sound echoed inside my head , as they went from one home to another . I grimaced , not only with pain , but with memories of summers past and the lack of sleep they have caused .
And it begins .
There is nothing worse than working all night , getting off work at 6:30 a.m. and trying to lay down to sleep and . . . . the symphony arrives to mow every single home in the neighborhood ! Oh , the sleep I have lost because of them .
And it begins .
This morning my heart sank remembering those old days . The headaches that would last all day . The tossing and turning of a restless sleep . Do they have to come so early in the morning ?
And it begins .
You can always tell that summer is coming . The girls that come out way ahead of their time , smoking on a cold April day . Suddenly , watermelon sits front and center at the fruit markets . Saturday mornings , people working in their yards . . . . mowing their lawns .
And so it begins .
Have a Blessed day everyone.
And it begins .
For the rest of the morning and early afternoon , that sound echoed inside my head , as they went from one home to another . I grimaced , not only with pain , but with memories of summers past and the lack of sleep they have caused .
And it begins .
There is nothing worse than working all night , getting off work at 6:30 a.m. and trying to lay down to sleep and . . . . the symphony arrives to mow every single home in the neighborhood ! Oh , the sleep I have lost because of them .
And it begins .
This morning my heart sank remembering those old days . The headaches that would last all day . The tossing and turning of a restless sleep . Do they have to come so early in the morning ?
And it begins .
You can always tell that summer is coming . The girls that come out way ahead of their time , smoking on a cold April day . Suddenly , watermelon sits front and center at the fruit markets . Saturday mornings , people working in their yards . . . . mowing their lawns .
And so it begins .
Have a Blessed day everyone.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
The Older I Get . .
The older I get the more I want to just relax . . .
and unwind . . .
and sit peacefully as I take in the surroundings around me .
and unwind . . .
and sit peacefully as I take in the surroundings around me .
I look for diversity in my life and it's very obvious in the group of friends I surround myself with , all different ages and ethnic backgrounds . I watch them run from one activity to the next , barely taking a breath . Everyday , they have somewhere to go and something to do after work . These people know how to seriously play !
For me , it has become quite the opposite . They have to lure me to come out and play . I love the sanctuary of my apartment . I have everything I need and love to do right here in my haven .
The glittering of party lights hold no appeal to me any longer . Those days or should I say nights , are long behind me . This may sound very boring to many of them , but it makes no difference to me . . . my goals are on an entirely different level .
I have certainly changed a lot in my middle age . My satisfaction comes from my Ministries . I love to create something with my hands to benefit others . A warm , fuzzy baby blanket for a single mother to wrap a newborn in or an afghan for a homeless person to keep the cold out .
That provides me with a sense of belonging to the solution rather than the problem . I want to serve the world , touch someone's life to help change it for the better . I don't need to witness this happening or receive a pat on the back . Every stitch I make is like an opening prayer for whoever this creation of mine goes to .
There is nothing wrong with going out and enjoying oneself , even I do it occasionally , but my purpose has changed and I hope it shows .
Have a Blessed day everyone.
For me , it has become quite the opposite . They have to lure me to come out and play . I love the sanctuary of my apartment . I have everything I need and love to do right here in my haven .
The glittering of party lights hold no appeal to me any longer . Those days or should I say nights , are long behind me . This may sound very boring to many of them , but it makes no difference to me . . . my goals are on an entirely different level .
I have certainly changed a lot in my middle age . My satisfaction comes from my Ministries . I love to create something with my hands to benefit others . A warm , fuzzy baby blanket for a single mother to wrap a newborn in or an afghan for a homeless person to keep the cold out .
That provides me with a sense of belonging to the solution rather than the problem . I want to serve the world , touch someone's life to help change it for the better . I don't need to witness this happening or receive a pat on the back . Every stitch I make is like an opening prayer for whoever this creation of mine goes to .
There is nothing wrong with going out and enjoying oneself , even I do it occasionally , but my purpose has changed and I hope it shows .
Have a Blessed day everyone.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Growing In The Spirit
I'm very confident about who I am in Christ . It's not my faith that goes into question , but my growth in it . That's what it is all about , isn't it ? Growing in the Holy Spirit .
Have you ever experienced that tired and desperate feeling of standing still in your Faith ? That scared feeling of falling back if you don't connect back into the fold ? Have you ever said to yourself in Church , I'm just not feeling it today ?
I believe we all experienced times where these thoughts were prevalent . These dry spells of not being filled up with the Spirit come and go as the Seasons .
Majority of the time when this happens to me , I find I need something new in my life . That something could be a Spiritual Retreat or a new Bible study course . Maybe a Fast or finding time to spend with God for some quiet meditation .
It's not always this simple , though . There are times when a quick fix with our soul is not enough . Sometimes , there needs to be a more thorough examination to find what is causing that feeling of withdraw spiritually . We have to look inside and try to find that pattern that we all have .
I have a tendency to hold on to things , people or events more than what is good for me . I have always had this innate sense that everything can be worked out if people really have a desire for it . I believe in HOPE .
So this feeling of a dry spell is not because I am withdrawing from God . It's because I'm losing a little bit of that hope that the things I have been praying about will change or happen as I watch others receive it . Growing in the Spirit means waiting and trusting God that it will happen .
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Have you ever experienced that tired and desperate feeling of standing still in your Faith ? That scared feeling of falling back if you don't connect back into the fold ? Have you ever said to yourself in Church , I'm just not feeling it today ?
I believe we all experienced times where these thoughts were prevalent . These dry spells of not being filled up with the Spirit come and go as the Seasons .
Majority of the time when this happens to me , I find I need something new in my life . That something could be a Spiritual Retreat or a new Bible study course . Maybe a Fast or finding time to spend with God for some quiet meditation .
It's not always this simple , though . There are times when a quick fix with our soul is not enough . Sometimes , there needs to be a more thorough examination to find what is causing that feeling of withdraw spiritually . We have to look inside and try to find that pattern that we all have .
I have a tendency to hold on to things , people or events more than what is good for me . I have always had this innate sense that everything can be worked out if people really have a desire for it . I believe in HOPE .
So this feeling of a dry spell is not because I am withdrawing from God . It's because I'm losing a little bit of that hope that the things I have been praying about will change or happen as I watch others receive it . Growing in the Spirit means waiting and trusting God that it will happen .
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Throwback Thursday
Now that I'm in remission . . . . again , it's really weird to read back to a time when I was not feeling so great . I do know that I've come a very long way since then . I have dealt with and accepted my illness , but I will never forget the road that brought me here .
I'm Fine.....Keep Telling Yourself That.
Last night my body gave out.Had plans to go to a church event ,"The Art of Worship".Been looking forward to it all week.I just couldn't get my body to get up.I was so drained of all energy.I looked over to Emily's room and it was dark. She was getting her much needed sleep.We've been exhausted running on empty pretending everything is fine.
I look around my room full of unpacked boxes.Can't even see the carpet.We moved in September and I've yet to unpack.Every room is done except my bedroom.How ironic.Instead of tackling the problem all I'm doing is shoving boxes from one corner to the next.When am I going to deal with this?
In a way , I've been doing the same with my illness.Kept myself busy with this blog and answering e-mails.Doing errands and offering my help.Postponing any kind of emotional outburst on my part.You see,a month ago, I broke down and cried the entire weekend.If anyone looked at me, I burst out crying.I think , in a way, I've been avoiding another outburst like that.I don't want to feel weak.I don't want this sickness to rule over me.
Just a few days ago,I thought to myself,how calm I felt about it all.My one goal in life that I have always strived for spiritually is complete trust in God.Turn it over all to him.I know people who have reached that goal.I know it can be done.I assumed I was reaching that goal.
I realized this morning as I laid awake in bed, that achieving that goal would require some work on my part.Sitting here waiting for GOD to wave a magic wand over my head saying ,"POOF, now you have peace".Well,thats just plain silly.But I think we are scared of what we will find once we start peeling away the layers.Its hard to truly look at oneself in the mirror.....truly look.Its hard to admit failures and faults.
How else will we grow? How else will we better ourselves? How else will we develop a lasting and loving relationship with God? I want to find that peace ..that everlasting serenity that only HE can provide.
Joyce Meyers' once said that all you hear in the Bible is Jesus telling people to GET UP.Right now ,I need to GET UP and tackle this room.
Have a Blessed day everyone .
I look around my room full of unpacked boxes.Can't even see the carpet.We moved in September and I've yet to unpack.Every room is done except my bedroom.How ironic.Instead of tackling the problem all I'm doing is shoving boxes from one corner to the next.When am I going to deal with this?
In a way , I've been doing the same with my illness.Kept myself busy with this blog and answering e-mails.Doing errands and offering my help.Postponing any kind of emotional outburst on my part.You see,a month ago, I broke down and cried the entire weekend.If anyone looked at me, I burst out crying.I think , in a way, I've been avoiding another outburst like that.I don't want to feel weak.I don't want this sickness to rule over me.
Just a few days ago,I thought to myself,how calm I felt about it all.My one goal in life that I have always strived for spiritually is complete trust in God.Turn it over all to him.I know people who have reached that goal.I know it can be done.I assumed I was reaching that goal.
I realized this morning as I laid awake in bed, that achieving that goal would require some work on my part.Sitting here waiting for GOD to wave a magic wand over my head saying ,"POOF, now you have peace".Well,thats just plain silly.But I think we are scared of what we will find once we start peeling away the layers.Its hard to truly look at oneself in the mirror.....truly look.Its hard to admit failures and faults.
How else will we grow? How else will we better ourselves? How else will we develop a lasting and loving relationship with God? I want to find that peace ..that everlasting serenity that only HE can provide.
Joyce Meyers' once said that all you hear in the Bible is Jesus telling people to GET UP.Right now ,I need to GET UP and tackle this room.
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Simply Cavemen
What is the cavemen style of eating ? It is a lifestyle of reverting back to the natural foods of fruits , vegetables , meat and nuts .
I see the Caveman Lifestyle everywhere . It's called by many different names , but basically it's just eating healthier and staying away from greasy , fast food . People seem to have a deep desire to change their eating habits and become healthier , which is good , because we are a fat country !
Have we embraced this cavemen style of living ? Not entirely . We have adopted many of the practices , but we have a problem with doing away of pasta and cheese . Emily is a vegetarian and
the Caveman Lifestyle endorses meat and veggies . Her diet would be pretty bland with only veggies .
Eating healthy is nothing new to us . Our eating habits have changed drastically in the last three years alone . At work , they're constantly checking out my latest root or veggie they've never seen or heard of before , mostly with a grimace on their faces .
" The things you eat , Lottie " .
We , as humans , are drawn to food that looks appetizing , and smells good . If it doesn't meet any of these requirements , we won't even try a nibble . Unfortunately , majority of healthy food doesn't look very appealing and people turn their nose up at the thought of eating it .
Emily and I have become so accustomed to our healthy meals , that whenever we indulge in processed foods , our body rebels . For the next couple of days , we will consume gallons of water to flush it out of our system . The way I see it , if it can make me so ill , it must not be good for us in the first place .
But , but the cravings ! Yes , the food enemy disguised as comfort food . The only comfort we experience is when we eat it , not too long after that , you'll regret it .
So if I eat all this healthy food , why am I fat ? I get this all the time , because people seem to know why I am fat and have a solution just for me . I don't know what I would do without these people .I asked my chemo nurse once a question regarding my weight . I will never forget what she said to me :
" Honey , you have cancer , you're on steroids , menopausal , in your forties , had four children , on medication and full of hormones " .
By changing my eating habits , I can mark off at least one of those things . Now to work on the rest . . . .
Have a Blessed day everyone .
I see the Caveman Lifestyle everywhere . It's called by many different names , but basically it's just eating healthier and staying away from greasy , fast food . People seem to have a deep desire to change their eating habits and become healthier , which is good , because we are a fat country !
Have we embraced this cavemen style of living ? Not entirely . We have adopted many of the practices , but we have a problem with doing away of pasta and cheese . Emily is a vegetarian and
the Caveman Lifestyle endorses meat and veggies . Her diet would be pretty bland with only veggies .
Eating healthy is nothing new to us . Our eating habits have changed drastically in the last three years alone . At work , they're constantly checking out my latest root or veggie they've never seen or heard of before , mostly with a grimace on their faces .
" The things you eat , Lottie " .
We , as humans , are drawn to food that looks appetizing , and smells good . If it doesn't meet any of these requirements , we won't even try a nibble . Unfortunately , majority of healthy food doesn't look very appealing and people turn their nose up at the thought of eating it .
Emily and I have become so accustomed to our healthy meals , that whenever we indulge in processed foods , our body rebels . For the next couple of days , we will consume gallons of water to flush it out of our system . The way I see it , if it can make me so ill , it must not be good for us in the first place .
But , but the cravings ! Yes , the food enemy disguised as comfort food . The only comfort we experience is when we eat it , not too long after that , you'll regret it .
So if I eat all this healthy food , why am I fat ? I get this all the time , because people seem to know why I am fat and have a solution just for me . I don't know what I would do without these people .I asked my chemo nurse once a question regarding my weight . I will never forget what she said to me :
" Honey , you have cancer , you're on steroids , menopausal , in your forties , had four children , on medication and full of hormones " .
By changing my eating habits , I can mark off at least one of those things . Now to work on the rest . . . .
Have a Blessed day everyone .
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