I remember , my friend Linda , telling me of her first day of having chemo again . I remember how scared she was and how emotional she felt that day . " Jesus , would you walk with me " ? That was Linda's prayer as she walked into the treatment room .
This past Monday , I went back to work . I was scared . I was emotional . You could ask why on earth I felt that way . I have worked there for almost 17 yrs. What is the big deal ? I think the big deal is that this journey has felt so very personal ...........a personal struggle for me . I cried for most of it . I feel different . I look different . I am different .
Going back to work meant not knowing how everyone would react , but mostly , not knowing how I would react . Just the fact that someone may hug and embrace me sent me running away . Scared of the emotion I would feel . I was scared of breaking down in front of people that have never seen that personal side of me . It meant all my layers exposed . It meant for people seeing me in a way they never have before . That is scary .
As I drove to work , my stomache in knots , I wondered if I could handle this night . Handle all the emotions raging inside of me . How do I handle the naysayers . . . . . the people that will ask why I got so heavy ? The people who will ask the questions that I don't want to talk about .
So there was I , walking into the building . . . . . . asking . . . . .praying . . . . ." Jesus , would you walk with me ?"
I know exactly what you mean, Lottie. Although the majority of people who know you are amazed and humbled by the journey you have been on, there will always be some insensitive soul who looks at the surface and makes hurtful comments on the superficial, such as weight gain. I too gained a lot of weight over the past six months because of my leg, and sure enough, a "friend" that should know better did me the favor of commenting on that fact. As if I did not know until she told me! The funny thing is, she herself has struggled with being overweight until fairly recently when she did the opposite and lost a lot of weight because of an illness she went through. It can happen both ways. Only thing is, there is a stigma attached to weight gain that isn't there for weight loss, unless you're anorexic! Some people just look for an opportunity to hit you when your down. Others are just clueless and don't even seem to realize their remarks are hurtful! Fortunately, most people are above that. Certainly, Jesus understands. He is with you through it ALL. And, in the end, He has promised to "wipe away ever tear"... Thank God, we know Jesus...
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad someone understands how I felt.I love you Maureen.
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