It's Friday ! T.G.I.F. day , yeah !!!!! BULL !!!
Friday , to me , is one of the hardest , the most difficult , the absolute worst day of the week ! Hands down . At work , on Mondays , we get our work schedule and what needs to be done before the week is out . Usually , that means that by Friday , my night will be crazy trying to accomplish that feat .
Everything falls apart on a Friday . At work , machinery breaks down , product gets rejected , bottles and jars have holes in them . People act funny on Fridays. They don't want to be bothered nor do they feel like working . There is always an argument or two caused by people who suddenly don't want to work together . Yes , good ole Fridays at work .
At home , it's no different . Every traffic light is red . Dual lanes suddenly turn into one .Oh , yes, let's not forget the " road closed " barricades . I just love being on the road on Fridays . On Fridays , I get the finger , horns blasted and a phrase thrown out at me or two if I'm feeling lucky that day . I get lost not being able to remember where a fellow volunteer lived . Friday's are a joy .
My computer always freezes on Fridays , printers run out of ink . The engine light comes on . I spill my coffee inside my car . My two last eyelashes turn into one . I look like an albino . I really dislike Friday's . The worst is that this was just the afternoon and I still have to go to work tonight . Can't wait to see what is in store later on tonight.
All my positive thinking from the other day just went out the window . There's only one thing a girl can do on a crappy day like this........take a hot bubble bath . Happy T.G.I.F. day !!!!
Friday, March 30, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Eye On The Prize
If someone asked if you had a solid confidence in yourself...................how would you answer ? Yes or no only . I , myself , have to say no. If you asked me if I have a solid confidence in my job , I would answer with a resounding YES ! Ask about my personal side of life and the answer is a resounding NO !
Confidence is something that I desperately lack outside of work . Oh , I cover it up pretty well usually by laughing at myself . Everyone says what a great sense of humor I have but only if they knew the truth ! I crack jokes to mask my low self-esteem . This is something I want to correct . This is my latest project .
God never ceases to amaze me ! How He knows my heart ! I have a wicker basket in my living room filled with paperbacks , pamphlets and articles that I have gotten from others as gifts fpr inspirational reading . I randomly pick one to read . Guess what I grabbed ? Confidence building material ! Chance ? I don't think so . He knows that this is something I especially needed this week .
In this booklet , they speak of ways to steer negative thinking out of your mind because what goes in is what usually comes out . If you only think negative , derogatory things ....only negative , derogatory things will emerge . This is definitely my major problem . My son , Joey , is always telling me to stop saying this or that . He can't stand it when I put myself down . But we know why I do it . Better I do it myself before someone else beats me to it !
Here are some simple rules to follow to avoid low self-esteem .
1. conviction
remember God's promise that He will never leave you alone or forget you .
2. possibility
be a possibility thinker
3. faith
plant in your mind pictures of accomplishments , achievement and personal fulfillment
4. strength
find a positive verse from the Bible and keep repeating itr over and over again especially when you're feeling low
5. harmony
apply creative thinking to unpleasant or defeating circumstances
6. humility
stop blaming others
I am guilty of all these steps and am trying to change all that . Easier said then done but......I've tried them out this week and it does seem to work .Whenever I have doubts , especially negative ones , I've tried these steps and it seemed to work . Now, if only I could manage to do this without any problems but automatically.......need to keep my eye on the prize .
Confidence is something that I desperately lack outside of work . Oh , I cover it up pretty well usually by laughing at myself . Everyone says what a great sense of humor I have but only if they knew the truth ! I crack jokes to mask my low self-esteem . This is something I want to correct . This is my latest project .
God never ceases to amaze me ! How He knows my heart ! I have a wicker basket in my living room filled with paperbacks , pamphlets and articles that I have gotten from others as gifts fpr inspirational reading . I randomly pick one to read . Guess what I grabbed ? Confidence building material ! Chance ? I don't think so . He knows that this is something I especially needed this week .
In this booklet , they speak of ways to steer negative thinking out of your mind because what goes in is what usually comes out . If you only think negative , derogatory things ....only negative , derogatory things will emerge . This is definitely my major problem . My son , Joey , is always telling me to stop saying this or that . He can't stand it when I put myself down . But we know why I do it . Better I do it myself before someone else beats me to it !
Here are some simple rules to follow to avoid low self-esteem .
1. conviction
remember God's promise that He will never leave you alone or forget you .
2. possibility
be a possibility thinker
3. faith
plant in your mind pictures of accomplishments , achievement and personal fulfillment
4. strength
find a positive verse from the Bible and keep repeating itr over and over again especially when you're feeling low
5. harmony
apply creative thinking to unpleasant or defeating circumstances
6. humility
stop blaming others
I am guilty of all these steps and am trying to change all that . Easier said then done but......I've tried them out this week and it does seem to work .Whenever I have doubts , especially negative ones , I've tried these steps and it seemed to work . Now, if only I could manage to do this without any problems but automatically.......need to keep my eye on the prize .
Monday, March 26, 2012
A Lenten Fast
As the Lenten Season began , I was oblivious to it as usual . My church fasts for a month in January as the New Year unfolds . So when Lent came around and everyone started fasting , well , I never participated . I think , it brought on too many memories of my Catholic upbringing . I associated Lent with Catholics .
Every book I opened , every devotional I read , every church I passed, everywhere I went .....I saw Lent . People were doing Lenten Trees , Lenten candles and a Lenten 40 day devotional . Suddenly , people at work were giving up coffee , sweets , chocolate , soda and even smoking for Lent .
What surprised me even more was that Christians were fasting . I'm ashamed . Why shouldn't we Christians participate in Lent ? Why did I think that? Again , I'm ashamed . There's that association thing again . Lent = Catholics . Doesn't Lent lead up to the Cross ? Again , I'm ashamed for my way of thinking .
Lent weighed heavily on me . The Holy Spirit pressing on my heart to open my eyes . I even wrote this title in my notebook for no apparent reason ....A Lenten Fast . It stared up at me from time to time as I opened my notebook .
This morning , I realized why . I needed to fast these last two weeks just for Emily and myself . I have done many fasts always taking prayer requests for others ...but not this time . This time , it was about us two only . Learning to just pray for myself has always been a struggle for me . I have considered it selfishness on my part when others need help .
So today , I started my Lenten Fast . Unabashedly , praying for myself and Emily......
Every book I opened , every devotional I read , every church I passed, everywhere I went .....I saw Lent . People were doing Lenten Trees , Lenten candles and a Lenten 40 day devotional . Suddenly , people at work were giving up coffee , sweets , chocolate , soda and even smoking for Lent .
What surprised me even more was that Christians were fasting . I'm ashamed . Why shouldn't we Christians participate in Lent ? Why did I think that? Again , I'm ashamed . There's that association thing again . Lent = Catholics . Doesn't Lent lead up to the Cross ? Again , I'm ashamed for my way of thinking .
Lent weighed heavily on me . The Holy Spirit pressing on my heart to open my eyes . I even wrote this title in my notebook for no apparent reason ....A Lenten Fast . It stared up at me from time to time as I opened my notebook .
This morning , I realized why . I needed to fast these last two weeks just for Emily and myself . I have done many fasts always taking prayer requests for others ...but not this time . This time , it was about us two only . Learning to just pray for myself has always been a struggle for me . I have considered it selfishness on my part when others need help .
So today , I started my Lenten Fast . Unabashedly , praying for myself and Emily......
A Joy Dare
Just recently , I have come to know Ann Voscamp from A Holy Experience . Having read a couple of her Devotionals , I was drawn to know all I could about her and her farmer lifestyle . One thing that has caught my attention is her " Count 1000 Gifts In 2012 " where every month she listed what she was grateful for . . . . her JoyDare . Here is my JoyDare for March .
1.3 gifts at 3 pm.
supper with my daughter , prayer time with my daughter , quality time with my girl
2. 3 gifts green
a headscarf from co-worker , a picture frame from Godson , yarn from Pam
3. 3 gifts wore
a charm bracelet from my family , new socks , hat from Linda
4. 3 gifts hard to give thanks for
cancer , a car breaking down , a bad night at work
5. 3 gifts found
love , an old book , myself
6. a gift bent , a gift broken , a gift beautiful
my car's front end , a relationship , a floral bouquet
7. 3 gifts in the kitchen
Emily's baking , Emily's seasonings , a juicer from my aunt
8. 3 gifts loud
a next door puppy who cries alot , the laughter coming from our apartment , my snoring
9. 3 gifts carved
wooden sculptures from Poland , memories of the Salt mines visited with my grandpa,
cravings of meat that I have given up to be healthy
10.3 gifts in Christ
salvation , His Grace , forgiveness
11. 3 gifts read
a love poem written for me , an old book passed down to me , a devotional
12. gift in wind , in water , in white
a breeze from the window , a hot bath , clean socks
13. 3 gifts round
my figure , my bald head , quarters for my laundry
14.3 gifts found in silence
Be still and know I am God , peace , solitude
15. 3 gifts given away
blankets to a nursing home , a kiss , time
16. 3 hard eucharisteos
my life , my journey , my childhood
17.a gift turned , a gift folded , a gift hung
blueberry pancakes Emily made , a runner from my mom,
new kitchen curtains
18.3 gifts red
lipstick , bloodtest , grapes
19. 3 gifts eaten
grapefruit , ice cream , asparagus
20. 3 gifts that made you laugh
bad boys 2 memory , Diamond's antics , a joke At work
21. a gift salty,a gift sweet , a gift just right
nuts and more nuts , Hannah, a good cup of coffee
22. 3 gifts found in His word
peace , love , faith
23. 3 gifts found in women today
strength , power , breadwinners
24.3 gifts spoken
I love you , I'm sorry and thank you
25. a gift sung , a gift written , a gift planted
Tim singing at school , an email from A dear friend , my
roots
26. 3 gifts almost gone
this blog , this list , this night
1.3 gifts at 3 pm.
supper with my daughter , prayer time with my daughter , quality time with my girl
2. 3 gifts green
a headscarf from co-worker , a picture frame from Godson , yarn from Pam
3. 3 gifts wore
a charm bracelet from my family , new socks , hat from Linda
4. 3 gifts hard to give thanks for
cancer , a car breaking down , a bad night at work
5. 3 gifts found
love , an old book , myself
6. a gift bent , a gift broken , a gift beautiful
my car's front end , a relationship , a floral bouquet
7. 3 gifts in the kitchen
Emily's baking , Emily's seasonings , a juicer from my aunt
8. 3 gifts loud
a next door puppy who cries alot , the laughter coming from our apartment , my snoring
9. 3 gifts carved
wooden sculptures from Poland , memories of the Salt mines visited with my grandpa,
cravings of meat that I have given up to be healthy
10.3 gifts in Christ
salvation , His Grace , forgiveness
11. 3 gifts read
a love poem written for me , an old book passed down to me , a devotional
12. gift in wind , in water , in white
a breeze from the window , a hot bath , clean socks
13. 3 gifts round
my figure , my bald head , quarters for my laundry
14.3 gifts found in silence
Be still and know I am God , peace , solitude
15. 3 gifts given away
blankets to a nursing home , a kiss , time
16. 3 hard eucharisteos
my life , my journey , my childhood
17.a gift turned , a gift folded , a gift hung
blueberry pancakes Emily made , a runner from my mom,
new kitchen curtains
18.3 gifts red
lipstick , bloodtest , grapes
19. 3 gifts eaten
grapefruit , ice cream , asparagus
20. 3 gifts that made you laugh
bad boys 2 memory , Diamond's antics , a joke At work
21. a gift salty,a gift sweet , a gift just right
nuts and more nuts , Hannah, a good cup of coffee
22. 3 gifts found in His word
peace , love , faith
23. 3 gifts found in women today
strength , power , breadwinners
24.3 gifts spoken
I love you , I'm sorry and thank you
25. a gift sung , a gift written , a gift planted
Tim singing at school , an email from A dear friend , my
roots
26. 3 gifts almost gone
this blog , this list , this night
Friday, March 23, 2012
The Results Are In
Spent the entire morning in back to back doctor appointments . The results are in !!! For now , there is no sign of cancer . It is officially taking a nap.........hopefully forever.......but I would be happy for another 4 1/2 years !!!
Both my legs and left knee are swollen . They seem to think it might be due to my thyroid but have scheduled me for an EKG and ECO just in case to check my heart . My heart is fine but they just want to be able to rule that out . I need to schedule a visit with my Internist for further evaluation .
My CA125 is a 6 , I believe , but it has always been low so they can't really measure my cancer by that . My organs , like the kidney , are in good order . My right hand is still experiencing numbness from time to time ( especially after I wake up ) but that will soon pass . And folks ,are you ready for this ? I lost 1/2 lb. .It's definitely time for a celebration .
Overall , everything seems fine . Even my attitude was great . My aversion to doctor visits since the chemo ended has gone forever . I pranced into my appointments today . . . . . even wore a dress !
That's all for the update . I'm off celebrating for the rest of the day .Enjoy the rain .
Both my legs and left knee are swollen . They seem to think it might be due to my thyroid but have scheduled me for an EKG and ECO just in case to check my heart . My heart is fine but they just want to be able to rule that out . I need to schedule a visit with my Internist for further evaluation .
My CA125 is a 6 , I believe , but it has always been low so they can't really measure my cancer by that . My organs , like the kidney , are in good order . My right hand is still experiencing numbness from time to time ( especially after I wake up ) but that will soon pass . And folks ,are you ready for this ? I lost 1/2 lb. .It's definitely time for a celebration .
Overall , everything seems fine . Even my attitude was great . My aversion to doctor visits since the chemo ended has gone forever . I pranced into my appointments today . . . . . even wore a dress !
That's all for the update . I'm off celebrating for the rest of the day .Enjoy the rain .
I Had A Dream
Taking a nap has become my daily ritual . Usually , right after supper , with my stomache full , I start feeling tired . With my windows open letting in a gorgeous breeze and the curtains billowing , I fell asleep .
The next thing I became aware of was Emily shaking me awake . " Mom , the Women's Group ". I jumped out of bed when I noticed the time . With 15 minutes left before Group started I rushed out the door . Thank goodness , I live right around the corner . My anxiety turned to disappointment when I noticed the sign saying Group was cancelled for this week . No matter how tired or busy I get , I thoroughly enjoy Group . I feel like my soul needs it to survive .
It was on my way home that I realized just how rested I felt . That nap was great . I felt refreshed and ready to take on what came next . It came to me that I had a dream during my nap .
In my dream I was surrounded by many people . All I heard were people asking me to take off my scarf , which I did . I heard their exclamations of delight . They were oohhing and aahhing my hair . Rushing to a mirror , I looked at my reflection . My hair was beautiful . It was long , past my shoulders , it was wavy and very light . It was the color I had in my childhood . My hair was gorgeous . I couldn't believe all this hair was underneath my scarf all this time . That's when I woke up .
I thought about this dream and what it's symbolism meant to me . In a way , right now , I'm like a larva that will slowly turn into a beautiful , colorful butterfly . I've always cried for my hair being gone , but I know it will grow back more beautiful as ever .
This dream comforted me . It was as if God was sending me a kiss to reassure me that I am beautiful even with all my scars . Right now , I may still have traces of cancer written all over me but soon they will be gone . I can't wait for that dream to become a reality .
The next thing I became aware of was Emily shaking me awake . " Mom , the Women's Group ". I jumped out of bed when I noticed the time . With 15 minutes left before Group started I rushed out the door . Thank goodness , I live right around the corner . My anxiety turned to disappointment when I noticed the sign saying Group was cancelled for this week . No matter how tired or busy I get , I thoroughly enjoy Group . I feel like my soul needs it to survive .
It was on my way home that I realized just how rested I felt . That nap was great . I felt refreshed and ready to take on what came next . It came to me that I had a dream during my nap .
In my dream I was surrounded by many people . All I heard were people asking me to take off my scarf , which I did . I heard their exclamations of delight . They were oohhing and aahhing my hair . Rushing to a mirror , I looked at my reflection . My hair was beautiful . It was long , past my shoulders , it was wavy and very light . It was the color I had in my childhood . My hair was gorgeous . I couldn't believe all this hair was underneath my scarf all this time . That's when I woke up .
I thought about this dream and what it's symbolism meant to me . In a way , right now , I'm like a larva that will slowly turn into a beautiful , colorful butterfly . I've always cried for my hair being gone , but I know it will grow back more beautiful as ever .
This dream comforted me . It was as if God was sending me a kiss to reassure me that I am beautiful even with all my scars . Right now , I may still have traces of cancer written all over me but soon they will be gone . I can't wait for that dream to become a reality .
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Let's Pray Together
There are people out there who will never like me no matter what I say or do . We all have people like that in our life . One of these people works with me . I have learned that no matter how sweet I may be to her or understanding or try to appease her ......all I end up doing is getting her angrier .
One thing she does that I abhor is bad mouth me behind my back . She curses me to anyone or everyone who will listen . I have learned to turn the other cheek . She has been made to apologize to me a few times .I have tried to talk things over to no avail . She simply doesn't like me . End of story .
Driving home this morning from work , I felt such defeat . Turning the other cheek is becoming harder and harder . Years ago , I would have fought her and won . Now , I'm a different person and all I can think about is how sorry I am for her . How miserable she must feel . How lost and lonely her life surely is .....what other explanation could there be for wanting to bring such terrible harm to another person . This stays with me all day . Even now , as I prepare for work , I think with dread of the night before .
My friend Linda comes to mind as I picture her , all tired and worn looking from the chemo . Yes , she still is taking treatments and they are taking their toll on her . I feel for her . I feel her pain just as much as I felt " my haters " pain .
My other friend , who is awaiting the news of her biopsy . I can sense her fear , her husbands , her sons . Looking at me must painfully bring to mind what could be ......what life could turn into . The other side of the coin that nobody calls out .
There is a woman , whose husband left for Afghanistan , her children all grown , who walks in to a lonely and empty house for the first time in her life . Searching for a friendly voice in the dark . There is no answer .
These women are real women in my life. I feel for all these women .They all deserve prayer . They deserve God's love . Let's pray together . . . .
One thing she does that I abhor is bad mouth me behind my back . She curses me to anyone or everyone who will listen . I have learned to turn the other cheek . She has been made to apologize to me a few times .I have tried to talk things over to no avail . She simply doesn't like me . End of story .
Driving home this morning from work , I felt such defeat . Turning the other cheek is becoming harder and harder . Years ago , I would have fought her and won . Now , I'm a different person and all I can think about is how sorry I am for her . How miserable she must feel . How lost and lonely her life surely is .....what other explanation could there be for wanting to bring such terrible harm to another person . This stays with me all day . Even now , as I prepare for work , I think with dread of the night before .
My friend Linda comes to mind as I picture her , all tired and worn looking from the chemo . Yes , she still is taking treatments and they are taking their toll on her . I feel for her . I feel her pain just as much as I felt " my haters " pain .
My other friend , who is awaiting the news of her biopsy . I can sense her fear , her husbands , her sons . Looking at me must painfully bring to mind what could be ......what life could turn into . The other side of the coin that nobody calls out .
There is a woman , whose husband left for Afghanistan , her children all grown , who walks in to a lonely and empty house for the first time in her life . Searching for a friendly voice in the dark . There is no answer .
These women are real women in my life. I feel for all these women .They all deserve prayer . They deserve God's love . Let's pray together . . . .
What Is A Pet Scan ?
Pet Scan
Positron Emission Tomography . A small amount of radioactive sugar is injected into the bloodstream . Growing cells use sugar . Rapidly growing cells such as cancer cells take up the sugar and can be seen on 3 dimensional imaging .
I had my very first Pet Scan this past Monday . Even though , I've had cancer for 5 years now , I've always had CT scans . Let me tell you folks , I've had so many CT scans done that I could drink that awful liquid without making a face .
I've heard of cancer patients having a Pet scan but never I . I wonder why ? Can you imagine my surprise and yes , excitement , when my doctor sent me for one ? Thinking that the scan was similiar to the Ct scan I prepared myself by fasting from food and drink from midnight on . I am , after all , a professional .
Full of confidence and ease , I head out for my Pet scan without fear or foreboding unlike the last few appointments I've had . Even though this was a complete new location for me , didn't bother looking up the directions , being in the same area of my other doctors . No need for my GPS . Of course , I got lost .
Once there , I quickly learned that this kind of scan was no way the same as my CT scan . Fasting from food 4 hours prior and you could drink water . No awful liquid to drink . They give you a shot of the glucose . No need to undress from waist down . In fact , it was quite nice .
The experience of being in a tunnel ( like a MRI ) was a little unnerving but I soon relaxed after closing my eyes and taking a small nap . You are in there for 26 minutes . I did have an unnerving thought . What if there was a power outage ?! What if I got stuck in here and couldn 't get out ?!
At least , the technician had a good laugh when I told her .Yeah , a Pet Scan ? Piece of cake .That kind of test I'll do anytime .
Positron Emission Tomography . A small amount of radioactive sugar is injected into the bloodstream . Growing cells use sugar . Rapidly growing cells such as cancer cells take up the sugar and can be seen on 3 dimensional imaging .
I had my very first Pet Scan this past Monday . Even though , I've had cancer for 5 years now , I've always had CT scans . Let me tell you folks , I've had so many CT scans done that I could drink that awful liquid without making a face .
I've heard of cancer patients having a Pet scan but never I . I wonder why ? Can you imagine my surprise and yes , excitement , when my doctor sent me for one ? Thinking that the scan was similiar to the Ct scan I prepared myself by fasting from food and drink from midnight on . I am , after all , a professional .
Full of confidence and ease , I head out for my Pet scan without fear or foreboding unlike the last few appointments I've had . Even though this was a complete new location for me , didn't bother looking up the directions , being in the same area of my other doctors . No need for my GPS . Of course , I got lost .
Once there , I quickly learned that this kind of scan was no way the same as my CT scan . Fasting from food 4 hours prior and you could drink water . No awful liquid to drink . They give you a shot of the glucose . No need to undress from waist down . In fact , it was quite nice .
The experience of being in a tunnel ( like a MRI ) was a little unnerving but I soon relaxed after closing my eyes and taking a small nap . You are in there for 26 minutes . I did have an unnerving thought . What if there was a power outage ?! What if I got stuck in here and couldn 't get out ?!
At least , the technician had a good laugh when I told her .Yeah , a Pet Scan ? Piece of cake .That kind of test I'll do anytime .
Monday, March 19, 2012
Glutton For Punishment
A few weeks back , Emily came into my room wanting to know which of the Seven Deadly Sins was I . She was Jealousy . Now , I don't know which shocked me more , the fact that she knew them all by heart or the fact that she admitted Jealousy . Trying to remember all of them and shockingly finding that I couldn't .
I'm Gluttony . Everything I do , I do excessively . I eat too much , work too much , think too much , take on too much , worry too much , analyze too much etc. The list would never end . Sometimes , I think I'm too much .
This starts a very interesting conversation between us both and we decide to post on Facebook a sort of Forum question asking people which of the Deadly Sins they were . How many people do you think responded ? Not one . I could post I'm weeding a garden and a whole slew of people will make remarks and I post this and nothing .
I believe people see each other differently then others see them . We don't want to see ourselves . Or we admit , only to ourselves but want noone else to know . Noone wanted to post on facebook their little secret . I asked Emily why she said Jealousy . Why ? Because she always wants what others have . What an interesting and honest assessment of oneself . Now , I think I'm Gluttonly and someone else may think I'm Wrath or Pride .
Everyone is aware of my being back at work . On my first day back , my boss , concerned for my health asked if I needed extra help . Don't do too much, Lottie . Let me help you . I , glutton for punishment , felt insulted ( unbelievable ) and let him know I'm back at work now . Not only have I gone back full time but am working 9 hrs a day and I volunteered ( yes, volunteered ) to work a Saturday as well . Knowingly, knowingly that I crawl out of work everyday exhausted and that I have to teach sunday school come morning , I still volunteered . If that isn't gluttony then I don't know what is . It's also called stupid but that's the way I am .
In case you wanted to know which Deadly Sin you are , let me list them for you ....Pride , wrath, gluttony , jealousy , sloth , greed and lust .
I'm Gluttony . Everything I do , I do excessively . I eat too much , work too much , think too much , take on too much , worry too much , analyze too much etc. The list would never end . Sometimes , I think I'm too much .
This starts a very interesting conversation between us both and we decide to post on Facebook a sort of Forum question asking people which of the Deadly Sins they were . How many people do you think responded ? Not one . I could post I'm weeding a garden and a whole slew of people will make remarks and I post this and nothing .
I believe people see each other differently then others see them . We don't want to see ourselves . Or we admit , only to ourselves but want noone else to know . Noone wanted to post on facebook their little secret . I asked Emily why she said Jealousy . Why ? Because she always wants what others have . What an interesting and honest assessment of oneself . Now , I think I'm Gluttonly and someone else may think I'm Wrath or Pride .
Everyone is aware of my being back at work . On my first day back , my boss , concerned for my health asked if I needed extra help . Don't do too much, Lottie . Let me help you . I , glutton for punishment , felt insulted ( unbelievable ) and let him know I'm back at work now . Not only have I gone back full time but am working 9 hrs a day and I volunteered ( yes, volunteered ) to work a Saturday as well . Knowingly, knowingly that I crawl out of work everyday exhausted and that I have to teach sunday school come morning , I still volunteered . If that isn't gluttony then I don't know what is . It's also called stupid but that's the way I am .
In case you wanted to know which Deadly Sin you are , let me list them for you ....Pride , wrath, gluttony , jealousy , sloth , greed and lust .
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Healed By His Touch
Many , many years ago in preparation for my third child's Baptism , parents were expected to attend a class . At the end of that class , the leader asked if some of us seasoned parents would share advice with the new parents . I remember what I shared , " What works with one will not work with the other ." That set off a response from the new parents on proving me wrong . They named authors with their book titles .......books that they could not live without . I , treaded bravely on making a joke .......
" A mother has her first child and reads Dr.Spock faithfully . The same woman has another child and throws the book out ."
Believe me , they were not laughing . Feeling chastised , I sat quietly after that . I was young and didn't want to start anything with these parents . Now , I wouldn't have sat quiet at all . I think I would have laughed out loud .
The other day , I experienced something similiar . Let me start off by saying that I trully respect these women and know them well . I certainly don't want any of them to think the opposite here .
We were speaking about healing . Someone asked for healing on an illness she had and I , of course , mentioned my medical view on the subject . I could see in their eyes and faces how much they disagreed with me . Maybe not even so much as disagree as much as disappointed with my opinion . . . . as if I didn't believe in healing . Again , I kept quiet , but it 's bothering me so much that I felt I needed to write about it . Why didn't I speak up ? Because I trully care for these women . Maybe , one or two understood what I was saying . Another reason is that it's much easier to speak out in a room of strangers than it is with people you know . Third , I felt outnumbered .
Here is my view . I believe the woman who asked for healing is not being honest with herself on why she doesn't want her doctor's next step . I have fought a women's cancer now twice . I'm a huge advocate of heeding any symptoms your body is displaying . If there is a cancerous tumor anywhere on my body , I will do anything I have to do to get rid of it .
As to healing .......I believe in healing . I believe God healed me 5 years ago .I still can't believe I am here . Just as I know He healed me again . I also believe there are different kinds of healings . I believe He heals us at times right away on the first try and it never comes back again . I believe He heals us for a short period of time over and over again . Some of us are healed by taking us home with Him . And some of us experience a healing of our soul rather than our body .
People's view on healing is a little warped . I wish God could heal all of us completely in the way we want Him to . .. . imagine this ......noone would ever die . There would be no handicapped people .. ...only perfect people .
I pray for healing everyday of my life . I pray for my headache to disappear , my feet to stop aching or my cancer to go away completely . If He doesn't heal me in the way I may want Him to it's not because I didn't want it bad enough or prayed the right way . I believe I'm healed , my soul , my very being is healed even if my body isn't . When I go up to heaven , it's my soul , not my body that arrives there .
" A mother has her first child and reads Dr.Spock faithfully . The same woman has another child and throws the book out ."
Believe me , they were not laughing . Feeling chastised , I sat quietly after that . I was young and didn't want to start anything with these parents . Now , I wouldn't have sat quiet at all . I think I would have laughed out loud .
The other day , I experienced something similiar . Let me start off by saying that I trully respect these women and know them well . I certainly don't want any of them to think the opposite here .
We were speaking about healing . Someone asked for healing on an illness she had and I , of course , mentioned my medical view on the subject . I could see in their eyes and faces how much they disagreed with me . Maybe not even so much as disagree as much as disappointed with my opinion . . . . as if I didn't believe in healing . Again , I kept quiet , but it 's bothering me so much that I felt I needed to write about it . Why didn't I speak up ? Because I trully care for these women . Maybe , one or two understood what I was saying . Another reason is that it's much easier to speak out in a room of strangers than it is with people you know . Third , I felt outnumbered .
Here is my view . I believe the woman who asked for healing is not being honest with herself on why she doesn't want her doctor's next step . I have fought a women's cancer now twice . I'm a huge advocate of heeding any symptoms your body is displaying . If there is a cancerous tumor anywhere on my body , I will do anything I have to do to get rid of it .
As to healing .......I believe in healing . I believe God healed me 5 years ago .I still can't believe I am here . Just as I know He healed me again . I also believe there are different kinds of healings . I believe He heals us at times right away on the first try and it never comes back again . I believe He heals us for a short period of time over and over again . Some of us are healed by taking us home with Him . And some of us experience a healing of our soul rather than our body .
People's view on healing is a little warped . I wish God could heal all of us completely in the way we want Him to . .. . imagine this ......noone would ever die . There would be no handicapped people .. ...only perfect people .
I pray for healing everyday of my life . I pray for my headache to disappear , my feet to stop aching or my cancer to go away completely . If He doesn't heal me in the way I may want Him to it's not because I didn't want it bad enough or prayed the right way . I believe I'm healed , my soul , my very being is healed even if my body isn't . When I go up to heaven , it's my soul , not my body that arrives there .
Thursday, March 15, 2012
A Brand New Start
It has been a glorious week filled with sunshine and Spring like atmosphere . Everywhere I looked , I saw people outside jogging , taking walks with their children , playing sports and just simply enjoying themselves . That's what Spring brings ....a renewed hope , a new beginning , a brand new start .
While waiting for Emily , I observed a woman walking around her office building over and over again . She has been out everyday this week . It is almost Spring and don't we all think about our diets then ? It made me smile because I could so relate to her . How many times have I experienced this " brand new start " .
After my chemo celebration , I saw some pictures of myself in some unflattering angles . My first instinct was to get myself into shape . Yes , starting tomorrow , a strict regiment . A brand new start .......again .
Sitting down , I'm making a mental list of all the changes I will make in my daily routine . Funny thing , though , these are the things I'm already doing . It made me realize that I'm doing everything I can already . I'm eating fruits and vegetables .Eating fish and almost no meat at all . Gave up pop , drinking water and tea on a regular basis . I do sit ups at least three to four times a week . I watch people at work snacking on chips and candy . I snack on carrots and apples. Still I don't lose weight .
What else should I do ? Maybe a brand new start for me would be to just give up food period . Just joking .
While waiting for Emily , I observed a woman walking around her office building over and over again . She has been out everyday this week . It is almost Spring and don't we all think about our diets then ? It made me smile because I could so relate to her . How many times have I experienced this " brand new start " .
After my chemo celebration , I saw some pictures of myself in some unflattering angles . My first instinct was to get myself into shape . Yes , starting tomorrow , a strict regiment . A brand new start .......again .
Sitting down , I'm making a mental list of all the changes I will make in my daily routine . Funny thing , though , these are the things I'm already doing . It made me realize that I'm doing everything I can already . I'm eating fruits and vegetables .Eating fish and almost no meat at all . Gave up pop , drinking water and tea on a regular basis . I do sit ups at least three to four times a week . I watch people at work snacking on chips and candy . I snack on carrots and apples. Still I don't lose weight .
What else should I do ? Maybe a brand new start for me would be to just give up food period . Just joking .
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Time Is A Treasure
Time is a special commodity to me . I respect it . I treasure it . I seek it . Time is something there is not enough of in my life . Going back to work has taken my " time " away from me . I have none and I'm constantly chasing it .
My life is filled with activity . I don't understand how anyone can be bored . Between my Women's Group , Children's ministry , crocheting , reading , family events and countless errands . . . . . . . .I'm constantly on the look out for more time .
My favorite time is the one spent in solitude . I find that I need some alone time everyday . My life feels out of sync without it . That is the one thing missing right now ......my personal time . Even the smallest detail of trying to organize my schedule is out of whack . I don't know how to get back on track . I know this sounds silly but I need organization to calm me and give me peace .
I have never been so conscious of time before as I am now . Illness brings things into perspective and makes you aware of the importance of time . We don't know how much time we have here on earth with the people we love .....and hate .
Our Savior chose to give me more time and I certainly don't want to waste it unappreciatively . I don't want to dwell on all the bad things people have done to me . I don't want to spend my time in hate and anger .
So to me time is a treasure ...to enjoy .....to spend with our loved ones . Or perhaps alone in solitude with our Lord appreciating the time he so bestowed upon us . Yes , Time , I wish I had so much more of you ....
My life is filled with activity . I don't understand how anyone can be bored . Between my Women's Group , Children's ministry , crocheting , reading , family events and countless errands . . . . . . . .I'm constantly on the look out for more time .
My favorite time is the one spent in solitude . I find that I need some alone time everyday . My life feels out of sync without it . That is the one thing missing right now ......my personal time . Even the smallest detail of trying to organize my schedule is out of whack . I don't know how to get back on track . I know this sounds silly but I need organization to calm me and give me peace .
I have never been so conscious of time before as I am now . Illness brings things into perspective and makes you aware of the importance of time . We don't know how much time we have here on earth with the people we love .....and hate .
Our Savior chose to give me more time and I certainly don't want to waste it unappreciatively . I don't want to dwell on all the bad things people have done to me . I don't want to spend my time in hate and anger .
So to me time is a treasure ...to enjoy .....to spend with our loved ones . Or perhaps alone in solitude with our Lord appreciating the time he so bestowed upon us . Yes , Time , I wish I had so much more of you ....
Monday, March 12, 2012
So You're Healing ?
These days , everyone wants to know how I'm healing . Well , the healing will take a long time . . . . months.. .......years . It's not something that can happen overnight . But there are little signs ...
Today , as I soaked in the tub , reading and having a cup of coffee , I realized I'm actually enjoying the cup of coffee . It's been 6 months since that happened . Oooh, how I missed it ! Yes, I am healing little by little .
There are other signs like the stubble on my legs . Oh why , oh why , did that have to return ? Soon , I will have to start shaving those legs again . My hair is also starting to grow . Just peach fuzz really , but there it is ......so soft and so light . I might just come out all gray .
There are also other unpleasant signs . The side effects of the chemo . That boil I had ? My daughter-in-law read that people taking chemo are more susceptible to them . I'm not really surprised . My right hand goes numb while I'm asleep ......something I remember all too well from the last time . It took almost 6 months for that to go away . My left knee is hurting .... just like last time . I need to make an appointment about that .
How am I healing ? Slowly.
Today , as I soaked in the tub , reading and having a cup of coffee , I realized I'm actually enjoying the cup of coffee . It's been 6 months since that happened . Oooh, how I missed it ! Yes, I am healing little by little .
There are other signs like the stubble on my legs . Oh why , oh why , did that have to return ? Soon , I will have to start shaving those legs again . My hair is also starting to grow . Just peach fuzz really , but there it is ......so soft and so light . I might just come out all gray .
There are also other unpleasant signs . The side effects of the chemo . That boil I had ? My daughter-in-law read that people taking chemo are more susceptible to them . I'm not really surprised . My right hand goes numb while I'm asleep ......something I remember all too well from the last time . It took almost 6 months for that to go away . My left knee is hurting .... just like last time . I need to make an appointment about that .
How am I healing ? Slowly.
A Chemo Celebration
Not too long ago , my mom started a family dinner once a month . It began by her house where she cooked up a feast worthy of Thanksgiving . About a week ago , I was informed by my niece that she would have this month's dinner by her house . Okay , fine by me . It makes no difference where this dinner happens . She lives right around the corner . Sounds even better .
After an exhausting week , I dragged myself to this family dinner . I dressed carelessly , grabbing whatever came first , nothing matching . Who cares ? It's just the family . They're lucky I took a bath . I'm just gonna sit in the corner taking a snooze when noone was looking and sneak out early to go to bed . That was the plan .
Ring the doorbell . The door opens . SURPRISE !!!! HAPPY LAST CHEMO , LOTTIE !!!!What ? No ! Not when I look like this ?!! I'm wearing floods , for goodness sakes ! Everyone was there . Dressed very nicely . Oh , I felt so bad .
I don't feel worthy of all this attention . I have had so many parties just for me , whether they were birthday , first chemo , a new life ......it makes no difference ......I've had them all . I have been given charm bracelets with every member contributing a particular charm signifying who I am to them . I have been given a hankerchief where everyone prayed upon it . A necklace with a cancer survivor poem from my sister-in-law . This time , I was given pillowcases where they each wrote a message for me . The children drew beautiful pictures . All these beautiful gifts I will always treasure but I am not worthy .
With the state of my health , we could have a celebration party every month . I want to celebrate something other than this cancer . I understand that I am loved by each of these people . I know it , I feel it , I see it . . . . .but I'm not worthy of it . I want to celebrate my niece's engagement or the other niece's wedding . Or someone else's weight loss or move or pay raise . Anything but this cancer .
Do not get me wrong . I had a wonderful time . We all did . We laughed , ate and had some wine . Great times !
This time around , I'm not happy with this cancer . I'm almost bland towards it . I'm not happy nor sad that it's over . All I know is that I'm sick of it . Just sick of it . I'm sure there is a reason underneath why I'm feeling like this that will be profound . I just haven't gotten hold of it yet .
There are three things I loved the best out of this evening .
1. I needed some new pillows
2. got more yarn
3. spent some time with my grandkids the next day
What's on for next month ?
After an exhausting week , I dragged myself to this family dinner . I dressed carelessly , grabbing whatever came first , nothing matching . Who cares ? It's just the family . They're lucky I took a bath . I'm just gonna sit in the corner taking a snooze when noone was looking and sneak out early to go to bed . That was the plan .
Ring the doorbell . The door opens . SURPRISE !!!! HAPPY LAST CHEMO , LOTTIE !!!!What ? No ! Not when I look like this ?!! I'm wearing floods , for goodness sakes ! Everyone was there . Dressed very nicely . Oh , I felt so bad .
I don't feel worthy of all this attention . I have had so many parties just for me , whether they were birthday , first chemo , a new life ......it makes no difference ......I've had them all . I have been given charm bracelets with every member contributing a particular charm signifying who I am to them . I have been given a hankerchief where everyone prayed upon it . A necklace with a cancer survivor poem from my sister-in-law . This time , I was given pillowcases where they each wrote a message for me . The children drew beautiful pictures . All these beautiful gifts I will always treasure but I am not worthy .
With the state of my health , we could have a celebration party every month . I want to celebrate something other than this cancer . I understand that I am loved by each of these people . I know it , I feel it , I see it . . . . .but I'm not worthy of it . I want to celebrate my niece's engagement or the other niece's wedding . Or someone else's weight loss or move or pay raise . Anything but this cancer .
Do not get me wrong . I had a wonderful time . We all did . We laughed , ate and had some wine . Great times !
This time around , I'm not happy with this cancer . I'm almost bland towards it . I'm not happy nor sad that it's over . All I know is that I'm sick of it . Just sick of it . I'm sure there is a reason underneath why I'm feeling like this that will be profound . I just haven't gotten hold of it yet .
There are three things I loved the best out of this evening .
1. I needed some new pillows
2. got more yarn
3. spent some time with my grandkids the next day
What's on for next month ?
Weary At Heart
My first week back at work has been exhausting ! I can't seem to get enough sleep . I have never been more tired . I just can't handle it . Wow , that's alot to say , isn't it ? But it's true , I can't handle it .
All week I'm walking around like the dead . Driving home half asleep . Dishes piling up in the sink . Phone calls not answered . Supper being ordered out . The blog shelved right along with responsibility . The T.V. forgotten and any news of the world . Wearing my daughters socks.........too tired to do the laundry .
All I want is to be tucked away under the covers . For someone to sing me a lullaby . To rub my feet and just let me sleep . I want to forget the world out there and all responsibility that goes with it . I'm tired and I want to sleep like Rip Van Winkle . . . . undisturbed . . . . until I awaken refreshed and ready to face the world .
At my Women's Group I kept yawning and silent the whole time . Usually my mouth is in overdrive .I always have something to say . I interrupt people but not that night . One of the women silently mouthing to me if I'm okay .Yeah , just tired .
It's true what they say . Once you lose sleep you can never get it back . There is no catching up . In our house , if one is tired than all are tired . I'm passed out snoring on the bed , Emily on the couch and Diamond somewhere in her secret hiding space . That's how we roll here ......together.
All week I'm walking around like the dead . Driving home half asleep . Dishes piling up in the sink . Phone calls not answered . Supper being ordered out . The blog shelved right along with responsibility . The T.V. forgotten and any news of the world . Wearing my daughters socks.........too tired to do the laundry .
All I want is to be tucked away under the covers . For someone to sing me a lullaby . To rub my feet and just let me sleep . I want to forget the world out there and all responsibility that goes with it . I'm tired and I want to sleep like Rip Van Winkle . . . . undisturbed . . . . until I awaken refreshed and ready to face the world .
At my Women's Group I kept yawning and silent the whole time . Usually my mouth is in overdrive .I always have something to say . I interrupt people but not that night . One of the women silently mouthing to me if I'm okay .Yeah , just tired .
It's true what they say . Once you lose sleep you can never get it back . There is no catching up . In our house , if one is tired than all are tired . I'm passed out snoring on the bed , Emily on the couch and Diamond somewhere in her secret hiding space . That's how we roll here ......together.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Jesus , Would You Walk With Me
I remember , my friend Linda , telling me of her first day of having chemo again . I remember how scared she was and how emotional she felt that day . " Jesus , would you walk with me " ? That was Linda's prayer as she walked into the treatment room .
This past Monday , I went back to work . I was scared . I was emotional . You could ask why on earth I felt that way . I have worked there for almost 17 yrs. What is the big deal ? I think the big deal is that this journey has felt so very personal ...........a personal struggle for me . I cried for most of it . I feel different . I look different . I am different .
Going back to work meant not knowing how everyone would react , but mostly , not knowing how I would react . Just the fact that someone may hug and embrace me sent me running away . Scared of the emotion I would feel . I was scared of breaking down in front of people that have never seen that personal side of me . It meant all my layers exposed . It meant for people seeing me in a way they never have before . That is scary .
As I drove to work , my stomache in knots , I wondered if I could handle this night . Handle all the emotions raging inside of me . How do I handle the naysayers . . . . . the people that will ask why I got so heavy ? The people who will ask the questions that I don't want to talk about .
So there was I , walking into the building . . . . . . asking . . . . .praying . . . . ." Jesus , would you walk with me ?"
This past Monday , I went back to work . I was scared . I was emotional . You could ask why on earth I felt that way . I have worked there for almost 17 yrs. What is the big deal ? I think the big deal is that this journey has felt so very personal ...........a personal struggle for me . I cried for most of it . I feel different . I look different . I am different .
Going back to work meant not knowing how everyone would react , but mostly , not knowing how I would react . Just the fact that someone may hug and embrace me sent me running away . Scared of the emotion I would feel . I was scared of breaking down in front of people that have never seen that personal side of me . It meant all my layers exposed . It meant for people seeing me in a way they never have before . That is scary .
As I drove to work , my stomache in knots , I wondered if I could handle this night . Handle all the emotions raging inside of me . How do I handle the naysayers . . . . . the people that will ask why I got so heavy ? The people who will ask the questions that I don't want to talk about .
So there was I , walking into the building . . . . . . asking . . . . .praying . . . . ." Jesus , would you walk with me ?"
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
The Golden Rule
Well , I'm back , everyone . What a week it's been . I've been bed-ridden this past week with an embarrassing illness . At first , I wasn't going to let anyone know , but then everyone is always telling me how much they appreciate my honesty . So honesty wins .
I thought I had an enflamed hemrroid but it turned out to be a boil .That's right , a boil on my arse !!! Lord , I rather give birth to a 12 lb. baby without any meds than go through this again .
The reason why I'm even mentioning this is because I have slacked off . When you go through an illness of any kind you become aware of every sign your body makes . You question every ache , every sore , every blemish . You don't take these signs for granted .You take it seriously . You know something is wrong . I ignored the early signs and didn't treat it . I ended up in AGONY for seven days !!!!!!
This is the first time I have ignored the golden rule . This golden rule caught my cancer ( the second time ) right at the start of it and it grew only centimeters . Which made me realize that maybe my subconscious was telling me something . Was I becoming flippant toward my cancer ? Did I feel like it didn't matter what I did or how much I tried to prevent this from happening again . . . . . . . the cancer was here to stay and most likely will come back . . . . . . so why bother ?
It does matter . The first time , I ignored everything . I kept putting off that doctor visit because I had so many other important things going on in my life . That tumor ended up weighing 7 lbs. ! I might as well have delivered a baby . I ended up stage 3 . Would a couple of months earlier have made a difference ? I don't know . . . . . maybe . .. .I'll never know .
I do know I have to be as diligent as I have been in the past . I know what you're thinking . A boil you can't prevent or get rid of so quickly . Yes , but I would have been rid of it 2 days earlier . It's time to get back on schedule . . . . get on board with the golden rule .
I thought I had an enflamed hemrroid but it turned out to be a boil .That's right , a boil on my arse !!! Lord , I rather give birth to a 12 lb. baby without any meds than go through this again .
The reason why I'm even mentioning this is because I have slacked off . When you go through an illness of any kind you become aware of every sign your body makes . You question every ache , every sore , every blemish . You don't take these signs for granted .You take it seriously . You know something is wrong . I ignored the early signs and didn't treat it . I ended up in AGONY for seven days !!!!!!
This is the first time I have ignored the golden rule . This golden rule caught my cancer ( the second time ) right at the start of it and it grew only centimeters . Which made me realize that maybe my subconscious was telling me something . Was I becoming flippant toward my cancer ? Did I feel like it didn't matter what I did or how much I tried to prevent this from happening again . . . . . . . the cancer was here to stay and most likely will come back . . . . . . so why bother ?
It does matter . The first time , I ignored everything . I kept putting off that doctor visit because I had so many other important things going on in my life . That tumor ended up weighing 7 lbs. ! I might as well have delivered a baby . I ended up stage 3 . Would a couple of months earlier have made a difference ? I don't know . . . . . maybe . .. .I'll never know .
I do know I have to be as diligent as I have been in the past . I know what you're thinking . A boil you can't prevent or get rid of so quickly . Yes , but I would have been rid of it 2 days earlier . It's time to get back on schedule . . . . get on board with the golden rule .
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