Goodbye January

  Goodbye January
being my birthday month
expectations were so high
instead you made me cry
it's hard to believe
you were so cruel to me
I stare in disbelief
at what my January did to me

goodbye January
I will not miss you
may you take
all the tears right along
with you
Gifts like these
 I do not need
return to sender
if you please

goodbye January
I will not stand
in the window to wave
wishing you luck
I rather slam the door shut
on all that bad luck

goodbye January
may you never come back
you are not welcome here
remember that
goodbye January
scat !

The Gift

  I remember a Christmas when my Emily was very small and she decided to give each member of our family a gift . She searched the house for goodies to wrap like an used bar of soap from the bathroom for her grandma . In the kitchen she found a half eaten bag of chips that she wrapped for her brother Joey . You get the picture . Everyone made a huge deal of these used gifts as if they were made of gold . She sat up like a peacock from all that praise .
  That's how we feel about certain gifts we get for others . We can't wait for the person to open it . We are more excited than they are . I mean , look what we found . . . .the perfect gift . I wish someone gave me this gift .
   I received a gift like that from my niece and godson for my birthday ( and their mates ,too ) . Her face was bright and smiling as she gave it to me . You could just see the excitement on her face . Open it ! It was a gift card to a  spa . Yes , even I'm getting excited , but wait ! What is she saying ? Naked ? What ? I have to be naked in the pools with other naked women ? I almost died . What is it about this journey  where everyone wants me doing things I 'm uncomfortable about . Has she spoken with Jesus about me ?
   I don't want to get naked with anyone ...well , maybe a certain man . I have a hard enough time looking in the mirror naked let alone get naked in front of strangers . I have a woman gyno and a pap exam is awkward .
   " Don't worry " , she tells me , "we all have the same thing ". No , we don't . Mine don't look anything like hers . Nothing wrong with her gravity .
    The problem is they spent money . There has to be something I can do there fully clothed . Do I need to get my clothes off to get a pedicure ? Am I being silly ? And I don't want to hear from you young , perky GIRLS . I want to hear from us older WOMEN .
    By the way , Joey ate those chips , used or not .

      Today the heavens were bombarded with prayers for me . Thank you everyone . Prayers ,  I will always welcome . No matter how bad of a day  I may have , I will never quit . I may huddle in a corner wailing for awhile but I get up eventually . Remember that , dear friends , I will always get up . I spent the day crying  . Sometimes , we just need to wash our eyes . Not every battle has been won , but the war will be . Here's a little poem for you.........

it is easy enough to be pleasant
when life flows by like a song
but the man worthwhile is one who will smile
when everything goes wrong
for the test of the heart is trouble
and it always comes with the years
and the smile that is worth the praises of earth
is the smile that shines through tears
it is easy enough to be prudent
when nothing tempts you to stray
when without or within no voice of sin
is luring your soul away
but its only a negative virtue
until it is tried by fire
and the life that is worth the honor on earth
is the one that revisits desire
by the cynic
the sad
the fallen
who had strength for the strife
the world's highway is cumbered today
they make up the sum of life
but the virtues that conquers passion
and the sorrow that hides in the smile
it is these that are worth the homage on earth
for we find them but once in a while

Meltdown No. 354

  Life is so funny . One minute we are up and the next .....well , you know . Just when we start thinking everything is hunky dory ---BAM ----- we get sifted as wheat .
  First time I read that verse ,  shivers ran down my spine . Funny , but I still get the same reaction . That verse scares the heck out of me . I believe it was in Job that I read it and look what happened to him .
  Back in September  , when I found out the cancer came back , I prepared for this journey . I contacted my H.R . Services and filled out the necessary paperwork . Took care of the hospital  and the doctor . Informed my supervisor and trained my replacement . Spoke to and comforted the family . I thought I crossed all my T's and dotted my I's . Even stocked up on supplies .
  I prepared myself for what was coming . I wanted to spend these 6 months taking care of myself physically . I've been there before and I knew what was coming  with the chemo and it's side effects . I envisioned myself sitting quietly at home convalescing . Why wouldn't I ? I took care of everything , didn't I ? Yeah , right .
  When you get sifted , everything gets thrown out the window . Paperwork got mislaid , thrown out , I don't know . Work changed my status , by mistake , to part-time equals no insurance . Then I just got erased like I don't even exist . One of my doctors went in labor.....life happened . No money coming in because of the mess ups . It just stinks . Today , I found out we have a new disability company . No letter in the mail to inform me of this change . No phone call . Nothing . Basically , they have nothing on me . Great . All that to redo all over again . Same paperwork , same bull . No check .. . yet again .
   I can't believe how calmly I'm taking this  as I'm speaking to them on the phone . They are sorry for my inconveinence  , but if I just fax these papers over to them ....... ?
  I'm literally done . I just start crying . Meltdown no. 354 . Really , I have no idea how many meltdowns I had . I lost track . I'm tired people . Right now , the Lord can come down and take me because I certainly don't want to go through this bull again .
   I am so stressed  during this whole journey of mine . I am so under pressure like in that commercial where all the stuff keeps rolling down the street into one huge ball . That's me . I stress out before every chemo because I know how I will feel afterwards. I stress out before every check because I don't know if it will get here or not . I stress out before a doctor visit because I don't know if my insurance is okay or did someone erase me again . I stress out when I get in the car because I don't know if it will start .
   People call me a warrior . Where is the warrior now ? Laying in a heap on the bathroom floor sobbing like a baby because she can't handle life .   I am a wimp . I don't want to be sifted anymore . Lord , just take me now .
  There is no way to prepare . No way . When you're sifted , man are you sifted . Pray for me everyone .. . . please.

Sunday School

  Waking up this morning , I felt a joy inside and a stirring of excitement . It's my turn to lead Sunday School and a very enjoyable lesson was ahead on Esther . Not only was I excited but very happy with my lessons since it held so many fun activities and I couldn't wait to see the children's faces  as we did them .  This was going to be alot of fun or so I thought .
    When it comes to children you never know what to expect . They can be quite unpredictable and today they behaved just like that . . . . unpredictable . They were loud and not listening . I don't think I was able to finish one whole activity without having to stop and remind them about the art of listening .  Their group leaders couldn't control them either . Out of the corner of my eye , I could see one leader chase the 4 year old all around the room as she just didn't want to sit  down today . Out of the other eye , I saw a constant flow of water and bathroom breaks . I think they had a big bowl of sugar for breakfast .
     And all those fun activities that I thought the children would just love ?  All I saw were blank faces staring back up at me . At the end , I scurried like a rat with her tail between her legs back home  and slipped under the covers taking a nap .
    All week long , I was waiting for today . All I could think about was how much fun we would have . Fun ?! I know I sure didn't have any . My ego burst and deflated , saying to myself  , " I suck ".
Lost my touch . Beaten by a bunch of munchkins that pick their nose and I'm sorry folks , but they eat it , too . Back to the drawing board .
   Next week ? I have the 1-2 nd graders . Better not get excited , they might trample all over me like a stampede . Wish me luck .
P.S.
And where was my bathroom girl ( Emily ) the whole time ? In the nursery , sitting in a rocking chair holding the cutest 1 yr.old baby boy.......smiling . Somebody had a good time.
   

God On First

  I've always considered myself to be a pretty good Christian . My faith and belief system unwavering .
I go to church every Sunday . Belong to a Women's Group for many years . I teach Sunday School and fellowship with other Christians . I donate , tithe and serve others as best as I'm able to . I partake in the " what would Jesus do" unless  , of course , someone  cuts me off in traffic . Yes , I'm a pretty good Christian . Put a gold star next to my name .
  Irony and sarcasm aside , putting God first in my life seemed to be quite the opposite depending what my needs were at that moment  . A pattern was formed  without my realizing it . When things were good , I became complacent . When problems arose , I sank to my knees in praise . Disgusting , isn't it ? Utterly disgusting ! I'm actually a normal person ! To think  , I thought I was above all that .
  We all fall down . And I fell down . Somewhere  , along my five year journey , I became complacent not making time for Him as He made for me .
  We have heard many times , from our Pastors , how we need to place God on top . . . .God on first . Have I done that ? Not all the time . There have been times where money was very tight and I didn't honor God first  by tithing . There have been times that I became obsessed with something or someone else instead of becoming obsessed with Him . There have been times that there was no TIME to sit down and read the Word of God , instead , went out and played . We have to fellowship , right ?
  We all fall down . We just have to remember to get back up again and place God on first . Happy Sun day everyone !
  

A Wig Debate

  A month ago , my friend Linda gave me an 800 number to get a free wig . That white post-it is still sitting where I left it on my desk . Why haven't I called them ? Have no idea why I keep postponing this . Here I constantly gripe about my bald head and how badly it makes me feel . Here I have an opportunity to do something about it and don't . Obviously , there's more to it than I may want to admit .
  Let me list my pros and cons  and you can help me decide . You can e-mail  me or write here what you think I should do and why .
PRO
      1. My appearance would appear  normal
      2. no one would be able to tell I have cancer .
      3. my self esteem would get a boost
CON
       1. I wouldn't be representing
       2. I would be giving in to vanity
       3. doesn't solve my inner problem

   Tell me what you think . What are your pro's and con's ?

Where Is Winter ?

     Where is winter ? This weather makes everyone sick and when others get sick .....I get sick . I still have my latest cold   and cough . Not to mention , my hot flashes are in full bloom . While others are walking around in turtlenecks , I'm wearing tank tops (at home ).
      I also miss the wintery scenes outside my window . Even the cold signifies a death , a stillness of sorts ,  a time of rest  before Spring comes and a rebirth happens . We appreciate the beauty and significance of Spring more after a harsh winter .
     My body is like winter in a way . It needs to rest . The cancer is still . The treatment is harsh . When treatment is over a Spring ( remission ) will come and Rebirth can happen . All new hair , a new look ....a new hope . A new beginning .
    Maybe , it's changes I am having a problem with .Things aren't the same . The way they used to be . No one likes change . For me , it's just too many changes all at once . Normally , we could look out the window and guess right away what season we are in just by the scene outside .
   I never liked winter and would dread it's coming . Sometimes , we have to miss something before we can actually appreciate it . I can't believe I'm saying this but I miss the real winter . To me it represents my hair , my skinny old self , my old life before . I guess I didn't appreciate it as much as I should have .
   I look out my window and see sunny skies so bright that the glare off my computer screen make it impossible to continue writing . Where is the winter ? Where is the old me ?

Goals 2012 - ?

    In the past , I would have never made a list of goals , especially while still undergoing treatment . Way too risky . Didn't want to get my hopes up , right ? Now ? I really don't care . Life is to be lived and I certainly intend on living mine no matter how short it might be . Here's my list of what I want to do with the rest of the time I have left .
1. I want to go to Vegas , sleep on a heart shaped bed and have Elvis marry me off . Then afterwards , I want to partake in the biggest and baddest buffet on the strip.Yeah !!!!
2. I want to ride on the Orient Express with David Suchet . Make it happen people .
3. I want a wall to ceiling library like Bella did in Beauty and the Beast where I can store all my books and then some .
4. I want to go on a cruise with the biggest and baddest buffet ever ! Can you tell I'm hungry ?
5. I want to take a walk every evening and actually have someone to take that walk with .
6. I want a truck/car that won't break down
7. I want to go on a road trip to Florida.....the scenic route . Let's do an RV .......with the whole family .
8. I want to learn to make the perfect fried rice .
9. I want to be thin or at least lose the belly .
10. I don't ever want to lose my hair again .
11. I want to learn to swim .
 12. I want to learn how to ballroom dance ....especially the latin dances !

An Escape To England

    As the month draws to a close , I feel relief that it's almost over . The same excitement I felt in the beginning I now feel at the end  . It was one of my hardest months since this whole thing began . I'm not sure which was worse the mental part or the physical . Maybe  , they each held the same amount .
     Having had a cancer therapist for awhile during my last visit with cancer in  2007 , I'm familiar with substitution of pain with other activity such as music , reading , games or even breathing exercises . I 'm always on the lookout for something else . Something new .
      As this month progressed , It came to me I needed a new outlet . The ones I've used in the past were not working for me any longer . I found that outlet but it came quite late  .
        This whole week I have been mesmerized with my mind off to a fantasyland where none of my troubles exist . I've been to England . I got on my Netflix Express and sailed off to visit Hercule Poirot and Miss Marple . Said hello to Downton Abbey and Upstairs/Downstairs . I love all things England and especially their shows . Sometime , I feel I'm in the wrong country and wrong era .
        As I watch , I go about my daily routine . Somehow , doing laundry doesn't seem as drearie any longer . As long as Mr. Darcy keeps you company . When I'm tired or not feeling very well , I just lie down and watch Pride and Prejudice  and somehow I feel a little better . This has been a very productive week for me . If I'm feeling pitiful ...well, time for Finding Neverland .
         You know , I can't even remember that therapist's name . Not even her first name . What a shame . I have not been able to do one thing she excelled in ......a relaxation technique by breathing in  and out slowly and transporting yourself somewhere else in a fantasyland where your pain doesn't exist .
          Sorry folks , but Agatha Christie is calling out my name.

The Five W's Of Cancer

   1. Who
               Hey , this one is easy . I'm the who  AND I'm the only one in the family with cancer that is in this generation . Last family member that had cancer was like 31 years ago . . . .  .my grandfather Joe . Before that was my great-Aunt Emily on my mother's side . My grandmother's sister . It seems we have cancer every 30 years or so . I should feel honored but I'm not .
 2. What
              I have ovarian cancer stage 3 . I guess that's better than stage 4 but not as good as stage 2 . It could have been worse . It could have been pancreatic cancer where it's terminal. Or one where I need a  donor . What if they had to cut off a piece like my breast ? Or both ? Lord knows I have a vanity issue .I would have never been able to handle that one . I can't even handle being bald . No , God knew what He was doing with the ovarian cancer .
 3. Why
            Well , when you find out why , please let me know . We already ruled out Genetics so I can't even blame  it on my family . When I asked the doctor he shrugged and said , "if we knew that we could cure it ". Although , I do have some family members who know someone into Holistic Healing and they were informed that I got cancer because I was an angry person at that time . I should get angry at that but then my cancer might jump to stage 4 . I wonder what jealousy might bring me ? Heart Disease ?
 4. When
              2007 . For some people 2001 was a monumental , unforgetable year but for me it was 2007 when my tower came crashing down . That's all that needs to be said about that .
 5. where
              Now , I don't know what will happen and quite really , I don't want to know . Whether I die in 2012 or 2050  makes no difference to me . I do know where I'm going to end up at and that's Heaven . I hope I see you all there , too .

Lest I Forget

   We all like to remember the good times in our lives . The spontaneous happy moments that make up the quilt of our existence . We don't want to focus on the other side of the dime where pain exists . People that say that famous line , " if I can only go back to that time ..." , that's a lie too . Who wants to go back to a painful time and relive it all over again ? Not me . But........I certainly don't intend on forgetting about it .
    It seems that during my darkest moments . . . .  I am closer to God . During my painful experiences . . . . . . I walk humbly with God . In agony on a daily basis and . . . .  I fall to my knees praising and thanking Him .. . . even for the pain .
    What about the good times ? Do I do the same ? During my almost five year cancer free Blessing did I fall to my knees praising and thanking ? Did I walk HUMBLY with God ? Did I work regularly on building a closer relationship  with Him  ? Honestly ? Not as much as I should have and could have done . I don't think there is ever enough that we can do to be closer . This is a lifetime building relationship .
     But we are busy , right ? We have a family , work , church etc. and all those activities we have to do . We just don't have the time .
    We are so techno right now that we don't even have these excuses  anymore . We have iphones , labtops , DVDs , CDs  and calendars with devotions right on them . We have cable !!!! You have devotions sent to your e-mail .
    There is literally no excuse for me anymore . This cannot happen again in my life . Long after my treatment is over ,  I better still have the time , to continue building that relationship . And I hope you do , too .

Turning Over A New Leaf

   " You can control your thoughts or choose the thoughts you want to focus on".

    That was something I read yesterday as I sat around in my trademark christmas red/green pajama pants and bright yellow  tank top .with a black and white doggie paw print kerchief on my head . That's also when the doorbell rang and it was our super . Honestly , I don't know who was more embarrassed to see me this way ...him or me .  Lord , I really do look like a hillbilly .

"You can control your thoughts or choose the thoughts you want to focus on".

   It's really time for me to get up , change this outfit and start living . This month has been hell . I need to shake this mood off and motivate myself to think outside this pain  and misery . I know , you're all probably thinking that I had an epiphany but no just started feeling a little better .
  First of all , This outfit has to go for now . As comfortable as it is , Emily was threatening to burn it   and I really do like these pants . I'll sneak it back in when she's not looking . That's a rare moment .
  This morning , I got up bright and early , put on some makeup and a different outfit to wear . Felt a burst of energy run through me . Busily my morning sped by as I did grocery shopping , cleaning and yes , some more booties. At last count  (yesterday)  I had 17  washed and ready to go .
 Let's see how long I can keep this up . Probably until the next wave of nausea hits me . Better enjoy the moment while it lasts .

 "You can control your thoughts or choose the thoughts you want to focus on ".

Gluttony Galore

    Gluttony is my Deadly Sin . I've always enjoyed my food . I like the way food tastes , the presentaion and the variety . Never have I been afraid or squeemish about trying new types of food . In fact , one of my favorites things is a buffet or multi- course meal .
    Many years ago , one of my girlfriends remarked , while at dinner , how I simply look like I am enjoying my food . She never seen that before . I even  remember what I was eating . .....pancakes smothered in hot  apples and cinnamon sauce .
   I have always been thin while enjoying my gluttony . At least , up to the last 5 to 6 years  . Then cancer came , menopause , hysterectomony , thyroid condition , steroids and just plain middle-age  happened . Never been the same since . I still   enjoy my food . Or at least , I used to enjoy my food . I haven't enjoyed a meal in weeks and weeks , more like months .
   With the nausea and metal mouth syndrome ......NOTHING ....absolutely NOTHING tastes good anymore . Oh , where are my mashed potatoes and gravy ? My country fried steak ! Creamy coleslaw ! The hot steaming creamy potato soup with tiny bits of bacon on top .You can dip your roll smothered in butter . Of course , it's freshly baked . How I crave for my roasted chicken with perfectly seasoned skin that you rip off and taste first . It's bad for you but who cares . The dessert is ice cream and what flavored don't I like ? Has there been one invented that I could resist ? My Emily makes the best home-made whipped cream ever . You will never go back to artificial . NEVER !
  Glorious food  ! Mouth watering , delicious food ! When will I taste you again ?

Fear

  Looking out the window at the snow falling , I wondered how many people were experiencing fear right now . Fear of their car skidding across the road . Fear of being late for work or picking up their children .
   What are my fears ? I'm afraid of many silly things like  rats or mice . Right now , the scale is pretty high up there as the number one thing I'm scared of .
    What if the reason I've been so grouchy lately is really because I'm scared . Scared of something I can't control or touch . We all want to be in control of our lives or at least think we are . All of my life , I have told myself I was waiting on the Lord . I believed that my plans were the same as God's plan for me . It doesn't seem to be the case any longer . He seems to have different plans for me .
    I think  that is one reason why I'm grouchy . Why can't my plan be the same as His ? We all have wished for something . Dreamed about it . Had our hearts set on it . As a Christian I know whatever He has planned for me will be ten times better than anything I do . That still doesn't ease the fact that I won't get what I want .
    I certainly , didn't think I  would be here going through cancer again . Yes , fear . The uncertainty .  The unknown . Trust . It's all so hard . I'm still afraid of rats , mice and the scale .

A Thankful Heart

  Trying to catch up this morning on all my daily readings , devotionals and e-mails I felt ashamed of myself . For nearly this entire month (maybe longer ) I haven 't been in a good mood . My body and I have been fighting  and we know who has been winning that battle . Today , I'm making an effort to get something done . I have to confess , I'm not making too many strides .
  One thing for sure I need to get out of this frumpy mood of mine . You know , sometimes devotionals can stir something inside you that a whole sermon doesn't . God uses whatever He can to get His message across to us . Instead of  thinking all the bad things that are happening to me I need to write down all the good things today .
  I am thankful for ......
1. the snow that is coming down because even though us grownups will hate it but the children will have fun
2. the warm apartment that I live in . My last place was always drafty and cold .
3. learning how to make the booties for St. Jude's and I already have  like 20 pairs .
4. my car still working , plugging along
5. the grits that Emily and I will have for supper on this cold, snowy day (yummy)
6. the apartment is clean , okay , semi - clean
7. I finally found a computer stand  for my room
8. it's Friday
9. no doctor appointments until February 7th
10.  one more chemo to go
11. my big brother's birthday on Sunday . He's turning 50 . When I reach 50 , I'll have a big party .

Yeah , it's not that bad of a day .

O Wallow , Wallow

  I have to apologize for neglecting everyone...this blog ....my duties at home...my church . I have been wallowing in self-pity .  Have been laying in bed for three days ....sick .  This last chemo  took alot more out of me than I can handle . I have one more to go in a month and I'm dreading it . This whole month has been dreadful for me . Something is going on inside of me . I'm sicker than usual : could feel despair setting in . Could it be because the end of chemo is near ?
  Reading one of my daily devotionals , I came across Joyce Meyer's , "The Importance Of Finishing ". Here she says ," there are alot of people who step out and begin a  journey with God , but I don't think there are nearly as many who finish it ".
  How will I finish my walk with God  in this journey ? What is in store for me next ? All I have been hearing is how I am almost done .....but there you all are wrong . This is not the end  but a beginning . It doesn't end with this last chemo . I don't get proclaimed brand new and go back to my old life . What should I do ? Where should I be ? I feel so out of place ...out of sorts . I can't even imagine going back to the old me .
 Do I continue on with this blog ? Does it end with my last treatment ? I don't know what to do .I feel like a dog that keeps going round in circles on his bed  until he finds that perfect spot and finally lays down . Where is my perfect spot ?

Getting Angry

  On Monday , I totally lost it and became so angry that I did something that I never thought I would . It started out with my car overheating as I drove Emily to work early in the morning . Once again , it was something real stupid like a rubber cap that needed to be replaced for the cost of  .99 cents . Whatever .
  From that point on nothing and I mean nothing worked . It was an escalade of events that came crashing down like a tower . I started crying  and I yelled at God . I just started yellling at Him when was He going to make this stop . When was this all going to stop already . I'm tired . What in the world could I have done for all of this to happen to me .
  You know , 5 years ago , it was different . I had so many surgeries and complications , infections etc . There were so many other things going on physically there really wasn't anytime for the mental part . Last time I was attacked physically and this time it seems I'm being attacked with my faith . I'm so overwhelmed  with all of this . My faith is strong but what happened Monday really scared me . I thought I was past that .I guess I'm not .
   I felt so alone . It took my girl to calm me down that day . She just amazed me in her attitude . My girl who is so negative at times , told me to quit stressing that God would take care of everything .
" Didn ' t I tell you , mom that the car would get fixed ? God took care of us . "
   I just want this to be over .

Off To See The World

I've been off to see the world . Actually , I've visited my son in Springfield . It was a major trip for me . I haven't gone anywhere since last August . Then my cancer treatment started and everything got put on hold . Couldn't make it out there . The trip wasn't easy . It took alot longer to get there than normally . Had to make a few stops along the way since I ended up getting sick . The trip seemed long somehow and I was relieved when we finally got there.
  The whole point of the trip was to spend time with my grandchildren . Haven't seen them since November at my niece's wedding . They ended up being sick at Christmas so we never saw each other for the holiday . Funny , but they still had their Christmas Tree up for me to see . We had our own mini Christmas a whole month late .
   I love driving . I love the sense of freedom of being on an open road . Checking out the scenery . I wanted this trip badly . I needed it . I did learn just how tired I really am . My body is still very weak and this trip took alot out of me . The trip back seemed even longer . I needed this ...I needed to feel normal .Like I had control of my life  again .
  The time spent there was wonderful . Trying to build on a relationship with my newly adopted grandchildren is really satisfying to me . They love me and I love them . Children love unconditionally . With absolutely no reserves or judgments of any kind . They just accept you the way you are .
   I also ended up deliverying my blankets to the Nursing Home  and I started my booties for St. Jude's . I'm on a roll and have made quite alot . My yarn supply is dwindling  , but it will be alright . My grandson developed a desire to learn how to crochet and he's doing a great job of it . Passing on to the next generation just a little bit of me . It was a pretty good trip . I'm glad I went off to see the world . . . . no matter how tired it made me .It was worth it .

A Conversation With My Car

     Everyone is well aware of the troubles with my car . I honestly believe this vehicle is sick right along with me . It keeps breaking down . You may think it's just old , but no folks , when it breaks down it doesn't necessarily cost me money to fix it . Sometimes , it's just a wire that is loose and needs to be tightened or he has a part already on hand . Once , I've seen him cut a hose shorter and attach it back minus any money involved . My car has needed jumps a few times and you 'd think I need a new battery , right ? I have a warranty , no problem . Go there  only to be told my battery has plenty of juice .
    My car is just plain sick right along with me . It certainly wants to share my limelight . ...... stealing my thunder . I'm extremely fortunate for my baby brother , Henry . He is a genius at fixing things . He always seems to know what to do . Very dependable . The other day , Emily lost her charger for her MP3 player . Of course , he had an extra one on hand . Can always count on him . Thank goodness , he is there . What would have I done with this sick car on my hands without him . Doesn't bear thinking about .
     So I'm at the gas station , finished pumping gas and my car doesn't start . Of course , what else ? Mind you , the gas station is BUSY . People waiting for a pump . I call Henry and I hear him take a very deep breath . He'll be right over . The whole time I'm waiting , I'm getting very anxious . The owner will definitely be upset with me for taking up space during this busy time . He is losing money because of me .  I decide to go and let him know what is happening  expecting him to be very upset . There was an utulity truck parked in front of the owner's window and he was so upset with that truck , he just waived me off like whatever lady . I believe that was God taking care of my anxiety . He sent that truck .
     My brother tried to jump my car with no success . Finally , he is like , we might have to get a tow truck . You know , I never believed in being possessed by the devil .......until now . The devil overtook my body at that moment  and a splew of words came out that no human should have to hear . I am living on 70% of my pay and I will not spend it on a tow truck ! I screamed and kicked that car . I cursed it out with every swear word I knew . You want to die than die already but I am not putting up with it anymore . If you think I cared where I was at and cared what people thought of me at that moment yelling at my car ........not even close. If my church saw and heard me then I'd be excommunicated for sure . Sunday School teacher and all , for shame .
   I look over and my brother is laughing . I don't see what is so funny . I tell my nephew to help me take my things out my car because I'm leaving it here . I'm done with it . I'm not spending another dime . I'll take the bus from now on . My brother tries to jump it again and miraculously it starts . That was the day with the battery . It didn't cost me anything . I have no idea why it wouldn't start . That is the devil trying to discourage me like he's been trying since this illness began .
   All the way home , I'm giving this car a talking to ..... a warning . I want to visit my grandkids in Springfield and if this car acts up over there or on the way there ....I am leaving it . I'm taking the train home . I will not put up with this behavior anymore . If it wants to die , it can die .
   That was two weeks ago and my trip is this Friday . If I come back on the train ...you will know why .
 

A Quiet Corner

          Are you weary ?
         rest a little bit
         in some quiet corner
         fold your hands and sit
         do not let the trials
         that have grieved you
         all the day
         haunt this quiet corner
         drive them all away
         let your heart grow empty
         of every thought unkind
         that peace may hover around
         you and joy may fill your mind
         count up all your blessings
         I'm sure they are not few
         that the Dear Lord
         daily bestows on you
         soon you'll feel so rested
         glad you stopped a bit
         in this quiet corner
         to fold your hands and sit

 I've been looking for this quiet corner for awhile now . This poem is the closest to explain how I have been feeling lately . I have no desire to go anywhere or do anything . Don't want to go to the doctor . No more lab work: no more chemo . Just leave me be . I want the phone to stop ringing . Don't want to talk . I just want to sit in this quiet corner with my hands folded and just plain do nothing . I feel selfish for feeling this way . I make myself get up and see people . I am not depressed , yet I want to be alone . Has anyone felt like this ? I know there are many of you who have gone through an illness . Have you felt like this ? This is a first for me .

The No. 1 Question

   Everywhere I go and  everyone I meet  all have the same question to ask me .
 
  " How do you feel about God ".
   " Do you feel like He has abandoned you ?"
   " Are you  angry with Him?"
  " Do you still believe in Him?"
   "Did it change your Faith?"
 
     At first , I was very surprised that people asked me these questions . In fact , it's really one question put forth in numerous ways . They all have to do with how I feel about God .
    Honestly at first , I felt uncomfortable thinking why would everyone even think that my faith would have changed at the drop of a hat . Do I look like I've changed ? Am I acting in a way that makes them think that ? I was shocked . Am I that weak of a Christian in their eyes ?
    Then I remembered a time when I did question my whole belief system . I believed in God all of my life . I cannot imagine life without God in it . Years ago , I was a Catholic . I went to church .I believed . Didn't have a relationship with Christ like I do now , but I still had Faith .
    I remember when my son died . My second son in three years . I remember when  it happened the second time  how angry I was with God . It hit me just now  that we all are ,  at one time or another ,
angry with God . That was my time . I finally understood why people kept asking me that question . It isn't that I don't look or act like a believer , it's just quite normal to have these feelings . Or maybe , they themselves had these feelings but felt " bad " for having them . I mean , we are Christians , right ? We shouldn't be feeling like that . That's how we think . It's okay to have these feelings .
   When I thought about all of this I also realized it's okay for people to keep asking me . What a perfect way to talk of God . Didn't I want to have a honest blog  with true emotions coming through ? Didn't I want to write for people who are experiencing these same feelings as I but feel they can't express them out loud ? Didn't I want to be that voice ? Of course .
   Soi , keep on asking me all the questions you want .

Love Makes The World Go Round

   As I start my fast , I'm full of optimism , hope  and love . Yes , love . Being in seclusion , most of the time , I find it very easy to love people ( hehehe) . It's so easy from a distance . I came across some notes I took two years ago  while watching Dr. Joyce Meyers . I want to share them with all of you . It was based on the series " The Confident Woman " , but I think it's appropriate for my fast .
  1. first of all , love Jesus
  2. you can love people by being understanding
  3. love is merciful and faithful
  4. you don't get character when everything is nice
  5. love is the hardest to get and to maintain
  6. ask yourself what are you doing for others to make things better
  7. you will never fail if you never stop trying
  8. love will cost you something
  9. get out into the world and be a better "bible " to others

    After reading this , I thought , why is this so hard to do ? Sounds simple enough . Why can't we do this ? We are like the people in the desert with Moses walking around  " lost " for forty years . We complain . We moan and groan . We are never happy . We want this and we want that . We get this and we get that and we are still not satisfied . Lord , I just described myself .
    Well , I'm never going to stop trying to improve .I don't want to stop living  or growing . I need to continuously keep growing spiritually ....in Christ . We all need to apply that list to our lives .It's a new year ...a new beginning .
  

My Spiritual Testimony

Today , I want to share something I wrote a few years ago .......


Today, in church, I sat there and reflected on my love for GOD.I felt such profound peace and love inside me.
I never would have thought it possible for me to love being in church let alone looking for Sunday to come.Never have I thought I would be so fulfilled and sated spiritually.I, am not bored in church.I love going to church and the best part ...I could stay there for hours.I can't even believe I am saying this.
There are times that Sunday can't come fast enough for me because I NEED to go to church.So I sat there and thought to myself how much I have grown.It reminded me of psalm 116
I love the Lord,for He heard my voice
He heard my cry for mercy
because He turned His ear to me
I will call on Him as long as I live
the cords of death entangled me
the anguish of the grave came upon me
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow
then I called on the name of the Lord
O Lord,save me!!
That's what I was thinking about in church today.I couldn't think of one prayer request to make today because all I could feel is praise for Him.Today it was all about gratitude.
We had an altar call.An altar call for those who want to deepen their relationship with Christ.As I stood there and looked around,half the church was at the altar and I felt tears because I thought to myself everyone must be feeling what I am.
If there was one thing ,one wish that I would make for everyone is that they would experience that spiritual fulfillment that I feel .
Have a Blessed week everyone!!!

A Diary Of A Crazy Woman

      I've become a crazy woman ! My mother called as I was on my way out the door . Picking up my keys , grabbing my  handbag and putting on my coat almost in the same order . I was in a hurry . The whole time speaking to her about the latest in my life . I suddenly became panicky , trying to locate my phone .
    Yes , I know now that I'm using the phone but at that moment it didn't register with my brain . Racing to my room only to find ......nothing . I race to the kitchen ...again .....nothing . By now , I have become frantic . Racing from room to room , overturning pillows , opening drawers , dumped my handbag 's contents on the kitchen table ..... nothing . I have no time for this ! I'm late already ! I scream into the phone to my mother , " mom , I can't find my phone !"
    All I heard was laughter . " Lottie , that's something I usually do".
    If that isn't looney , I don 't know what is . I still can't believe I did that . Now that I had more time to think about it , I'm not surprised . Not only am I a mad , mad woman but I've also started to dress as one  . My daily wear ? A bright pink kerchief for my head . A yellow tank top because I'm always hot . My fave christmas green/red plaid pajama pants . Who wouldn't think I was crazy !?
   No wonder my behavior is odd . I probably walk around mumbling but don't realize it .

A Fast Is A Fast

      Every January , our church has a fast to start off the New Year . We all partake in some sort of fasting  and it  usually lasts the month . This brought on a huge discussion between Emily and I as to what that fast should include .  As usual , She had many ideas on what I should give up but we could not agree on what hers should be .
      I have done many fasts in the past . Always would take on prayer requests from people . The special prayers during the fast would take on an intensifying passion . My mind would be sharper , clearer and always somehow life would take on a more positive attitude . I love fasting ! It purifies your soul .
     I didn't always feel like this . Honestly , I never quite understood why people did them . When I was a Catholic , I've done Lent every year , not eating meat on Friday . Yet , I've never had that sense of fulfillment that I do  now after fasting . It was , actually , this very New Year January fast that my church does that has changed my mind .
   Of  course , I started small by giving up coffee . This year , I wanted to do something extra special along with my giving up sweets . Instead of giving up ,  I want to start doing something during this time that maybe has always been difficult for me . Something I really hate ......I hate exercising !
   If anyone has a prayer request for me to take on , please send me an email at lottiekrol@yahoo.com.
They will be confidential .

True Friends

   Today , I had a lesson in true friends . While I was making copies for Sunday School , my friends kept showing up to wish me a Happy New Year . I love these women . They are ever present in my life . We have shared our children , our stories , our tears . Many a Women's Group lesson that was put away while we shared our problems with one another . These women would do anything for me at the drop of a hat .
  I haven't been around these past two or three weeks to my group . Haven't been feeling well at all .
They've been reading my blog and leaving messages on my phone . Today , one offered to shave her head so I wouldn't feel alone in this . Another , reads my blog everyday and prays according to what my needs are that particular day .
   We have communion once a month and that is one thing I miss while I'm downstairs with the children . That special time taking communion . Right before communion today , one of my friends came down  and offered to take my place while I go upstairs to partake .
  Let's not forget the friend who always sends beautiful  and sometimes hilarious emails to cheer me up . All of these women   mentor my girl . Are there for her as  role models and I know will be there for her when I'm gone .
  All I have to say is I need prayers  and a ricchochet effect goes into place . These women are my livelihood . They are my rocks . You know who you are . Know that I love you  and appreciate everything you do for me .