Mellow Jello

                                 Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

The following is a story from 2015 that I've never posted. The post refers to my fourth bout with cancer and the hormone treatment they placed me on. I'm happy to say that I'm still in remission now. Enjoy.

Mellow Jello

By: Lottie Krol

Sitting at my quality cart at work, I felt drained, weepy and strangely mellow. There wasn't an ounce of stress in my entire body. I could have sat there surveying the entire packaging floor for the remainder of my shift, not moving an inch. I  was that comfortable and relaxed.

It has been a week and a half of taking this hormone medication and already I can feel the emotional roller coaster ride it is playing with my moods.

Just the other day, after doing some sit ups, I attempted to get up off the living room floor. It wasn't happening. My knees locked and hurt as hell every time I placed pressure on them.  I rolled around on the rug like a cockroach on its back. No matter how much I tried, I could not lift myself back up.

Frustrated, I burst out crying, sobbing incoherently and uncontrollably. Emily came running out of her room and helped me up, giving me a hug in the process. She patted me on my back as if comforting a small child.

Anger. . . another emotion that hasn't escaped me. While praying in my car (something I do all the time) my voice grew louder with every word as I told the devil to get the heck out of my home. By the time I was done, my face was super red and sweaty. I got so worked up that I was practically spitting.

My co-worker (a male) tapped on my driver's window inquiring if I'm alright and who am I yelling at? Oh, I didn't tell you I was in my work's parking lot when that little episode happened? That mechanic thought I was crazy having a conversation with myself. He hasn't stopped teasing me about it, always asking which imaginary friend I planned on talking  with today.

I'm not exactly proud of these moments. In fact, I'm both embarrassed and afraid of these emotions. You see, the last thing I want to do is hurt someone's feelings or be the cause of a breakup. Words are very powerful and if we are not careful, they can cause great havoc among friends and strangers. Just think of all the interactions we have with people in the street. The way they speak to you and treat you affects your entire day.

What if I run into someone I don't care for at all and tell them my true feelings? That would be terrible. No, we cannot have that. Watching my words is just not enough. I also have a very expressive face. Ugh, this is so much work! Why can't I just be myself?

So I'm sitting here at work, hoping for the workday to quickly come to an end before I totally have a crying meltdown. How would I explain to these people what I'm going through? None of these symptoms are considered even typical of a cancer patient. Yet, the last thing I want to do is present to them the wrong image of what is cancer.

 

But what is that image like now? No longer is cancer represented by baldness, vomiting and looking anorexic. That doesn't mean these symptoms don't exist, but there are so many other forms of treatment out there now unlike the ones we have known thus far. Cancer is evolving into the new modern age and we should be grateful for it.

 

The focus now is more on quality of life and being able to work and co-exist among others as normally as possible. I have to say that this treatment so far, is allowing me to do just that. Yes, my moods are ever changing and extremely unpredictable, but there are so many benefits, great benefits to these little chemo pills.

 

So what exactly are these little pills? Hmm, maybe it's time to find out.

Have a blessed day everyone.