Another Lost And Found

                                   Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

As I mentioned yesterday, I've recently been cleaning out some old files and found an entire group of posts I've never shared. These posts all are from 2015 when I first discovered that my cancer has returned for the fourth time. Once again, I do want to stress that right now I am still in remission. I wouldn't want anyone to assume I'm writing about a time happening now. For the next several days, I will be sharing some of these posts with all of you. Enjoy.

Humbled And Meek

By: Lottie Krol

As nerve wrecking as the first couple of days were, a certain peace settled over me. It must have been the deep sleep of the night before, because when I awakened in the morning, I was still. There was nothing I could do. I became aware of my limited power over the situation.

If you've never believed in God, you do when tragedy strikes. Or at least, one realizes the limiting control we actually have over the situation. No matter what I do, the outcome will still be the same, because there is someone else running the show.

I went about my day in complete and utter quiet. Never have I felt such neutrality devoid of all emotion. In robotic fashion I performed all my duties at home and at work, never saying a word to anyone regarding my cancer.  That is, no one outside of my son and daughter. Every time my mouth opened no voice came out. What was there to say?

Be still and know I am God.

Psalm 46:10

So what is next for me? Again, I'm back to the unknown . Isn't this where I was eight years ago when first diagnosed? Eight years and 4 bouts with cancer and it feels like I've come full circle.  Just when you think you have things worked out and know what to expect, a monkey wrench gets thrown in to mess it up.

Who am I to question the why's, the how's or even the when? Each time my cancer returned it has been a journey of sorts whether in acceptance of my own immortality or growth spiritually. What will I learn this time?

I have no idea about anything. This is a completely different path and I have no knowledge of what to expect. So I take my little pill, twice daily and go on my way. I feel a bit like Jonah after he was spit out of the whale, but these shores I've never been on. I know nothing of them.

So where am I going to now, Lord? What is my next destination? I am nothing more than  a mere speck of grain waiting to be blown to my new adventure. I am both humbled and in awe of Your power. Every single one of us can be brought to our knees in sweet, meek reverence of the Almighty.

Not sure of how I should feel or act or even to what I should say. I just continue the daily routine hoping for a sign as to where I should go or do. I am numb. I feel absolutely nothing as if my heart was a stainless steel machine operating on man made power. There is no steady beat of a life breathing and flowing through these veins. Please someone plug me in!

So I'm humbled, truly humbled by the events that have unfolded these past few days. I feel so alone with no voice that anyone can hear. Has it been lost for good? Will anyone ever hear it again? Does anyone care to hear it? Why, after all these years with cancer, am I feeling this way? This is my fourth time! It should be different, but instead it's worse.

Have a Blessed day everyone.