everyday is a journey.
I've really been enjoying re-reading some of these old stories I've never posted. All these are from 2015 when my fourth bout with cancer returned. You can tell I was very emotional more so I think from the hormone treatments than anything else.
Looking Back
By: Lottie Krol
Boy, my mind has been drifting back to the past. Did you ever have that happen to you? A moment where you can't shrug off all the memories and emotions that come flooding back as if no measure of time existed between then and now. These feelings are raw, potent and real.
All day long, I keep reliving my cancer history over and over again in my mind. Every single moment of my recovery up to now. There are many things I wish I had done differently, but I also learned a lot since then.
Before I go any further, I think I should provide a little background. In 2007, I was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer. Besides having a hysterectomy, my 7 pound tumor was so huge that it blocked six inches of my colon causing a colostomy to be performed.
My recovery was slow with my developing an abscess which resulted in another emergency surgery. Followed by a fistula, reversal of the colostomy and numerous infections/high temperatures that resulted in prolonging my chemotherapy treatments and a massive weight loss problem. Didn't I say my recovery was very slow?
Then there was this long period of almost five years where my cancer was in remission. My perfect, idyllic world was shattered once again in 2011 when my cancer woke up from it's long sleep. Another round of chemotherapy treatment, another remission lasting only seven months.
In the Fall of 2013, we began my third bout with cancer, this one lasting not the usual six rounds, but eight rounds of chemo. Another year and a half in remission resulting with my new struggle with cancer for the 4th time in the Summer of 2016. So here we are now.
Looking back, I have come full circle with my journey. I went from being totally dependent on my family to take care of me, helping me physically deal with my illness to being independently handling this illness on my own.
My physical appearance has definitely changed. After losing so much weight in the beginning, I gained all of it back plus a lot more. My hair, after each treatment grew back a shade lighter or darker and definitely wavy. When I look in the mirror, I see someone totally different as if I emerged from this illness a whole new person.
In fact, my appearance was the most difficult and continues to be a struggle in acceptance. If you've spent majority of your life as a skinny person and suddenly that changes, gaining 80 pounds, it will play havoc with your self confidence.
The biggest change has taken place by my taking the reins in maintaining my health. I've changed my diet, choosing to eat more organic, fresh produce and more fish rather than meat. Incorporated a simpler lifestyle that is both stress free and clutter free. I have tackled my finances, making choices that were based on my needs rather than my wants. I am always on the look out for ways to instill a better way of cleansing my mind, body and spirit.
The area that has suffered has to do with my relationships with others. I'm not exactly sure why that is, but for me to get to the bottom of this situation I will have to take a very close look in the mirror and see what I will find there. I have re-established a deepening of my faith with my Lord. I wish I could do the same with the people in my life.
Something else I have forgotten to mention is that I have a different oncology team than when I first began this journey. The original hospital where I stayed wasn't up to form, especially in the care department. I never thought about choosing a hospital like people choose a doctor. I always thought we just went to the neighboring medical facility. I couldn't have been more wrong.
I transferred myself to another hospital where they basically saved my life. In the Fall of 2011, my insurance changed and no longer was accepted there so I made another move that has become my permanent home since then.
I totally believe that old adage about things happening for a reason. I couldn't be happier with my oncology team and the care they provide. But then, if I didn't trust and believe in my doctor, why would I stay?
Have a blessed day everyone.
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