When I was in the hospital , a friend gave me a book to read titled , " 90 Minutes In Heaven " . What a powerful book that was since I could relate to the author's struggles . As I read one of the chapters on life after his illness , I couldn't understand why he had such a difficult time adjusting to his new life .....until now .
I've always said I would go back and re-read that chapter , but with a whole set of different eyes . I wonder how I would feel then ?
I have come a long way since the following story , but there lingers a small part of wanting my ole self back .
Mirror , Mirror On The Wall
One of my hardest struggles didn't really come from the actual treatments of my cancer . They came from dealing with the aftermath of having cancer . There is nothing worse than going through a major struggle in your life and you defeat it expecting your life to go back to normal ......and it doesn't .
Instead, you look in the mirror and see a stranger . Here I have had 4 children and always been thin . This cancer I have gained 80 lbs. My hair was different color and texture . Then there is the different person you are on the inside .
This was a major challenge for me . This is another reason why I am so upset this time around . I was just getting used to the " new " me and now I have to erase the slate and start all over . I have gained 7 lbs already. I don't want to go thru that all over again . I don't want to rediscover myself .
Now I know what you all are thinking and I certainly don't want any emails about how my appearance doesn't matter . I understand all that but lets be honest , folks , we all have a problem with how we look . Each of us would love to change something about our appearance .
I don't need to go back to my original " look ". I'm not that person anymore on the inside but I would like to meet somewhere in the middle . I guess , I just don't want to start all over again . I don't want to gain anymore weight . I was happy with the way I was looking. I feel I worked real hard to get to that point and it was for nothing .
Don't get me wrong , its just my weight. When you've been thin all of your life and then suddenly you're like the opposite its very difficult to deal with .I would be happy with some weight loss . I don't need to be a size 4...I can be a size 12 instead . I do love my curves just not so much of it
Instead, you look in the mirror and see a stranger . Here I have had 4 children and always been thin . This cancer I have gained 80 lbs. My hair was different color and texture . Then there is the different person you are on the inside .
This was a major challenge for me . This is another reason why I am so upset this time around . I was just getting used to the " new " me and now I have to erase the slate and start all over . I have gained 7 lbs already. I don't want to go thru that all over again . I don't want to rediscover myself .
Now I know what you all are thinking and I certainly don't want any emails about how my appearance doesn't matter . I understand all that but lets be honest , folks , we all have a problem with how we look . Each of us would love to change something about our appearance .
I don't need to go back to my original " look ". I'm not that person anymore on the inside but I would like to meet somewhere in the middle . I guess , I just don't want to start all over again . I don't want to gain anymore weight . I was happy with the way I was looking. I feel I worked real hard to get to that point and it was for nothing .
Don't get me wrong , its just my weight. When you've been thin all of your life and then suddenly you're like the opposite its very difficult to deal with .I would be happy with some weight loss . I don't need to be a size 4...I can be a size 12 instead . I do love my curves just not so much of it
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