As Emily prepared supper in the kitchen , she remarked how incredibly fast this week went by . Here , it was Friday already . Yes , it did go by quickly .
Sitting in my room , I can faintly hear her movements and I'm grateful for her presence . In my moments of immobility , she just takes over . I'm not sure how she knows whether by my appearance , feel or actions , but somehow she knows . She knows when I just can't .
I'm tired , I'm tired , I'm tired . . . .
My body feels different this time . I feel tired , achy , and at times , nauseous . Usually , I felt like this after the chemo not before . Maybe , it's all in my head , fully knowing what is coming . I know I sound like a broken record .
I'm tired , I'm tired , I'm tired . . . . .
I think back to the other chemo times . I remember how she took care of me then . Usually , after coming home from treatment , I would plop down into bed . She would quietly close the door after me , taking my cell phone with her . Supper , cooked and ready on the stove , waited for when I was able to stomache food .
I'm tired , I'm tired , I'm tired . . . . .
How many times has she heard me say that ? How many more times will I say that ? Too many . Thank goodness I have her in my life . What about people who are alone ? Who have no one to offer them comfort ? I feel for these people . No one should be alone during a time like this . We all need comfort and soothing when we are tired . Someone to make supper for us . . . .to let us know they care . Let's not forget about those people . Let's offer them kindness and comfort in their need .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
The Untitled Blog
Our linen closet is overbrimming with stuff . It's cluttered and just looks a mess . Everytime I open the door , I grimace , waiting for the mess to come crashing to the floor .
We really need to clean it up .
But not today . Today , I'm too tired or I don't have enough time . All these excuses pop into my head . The problem is that I just don't feel ready to undertake this project . It's just too overwhelming . Instead , I just keep piling other stuff on top of it . That's a conversation I hold with myself everyday .
In the kitchen , our stove needs a good scrubbing from the last couple of days . I can feel my shoulders droop everytime I look at it .
We really need to clean it up .
So , why don't I just roll up my sleeves and get to it ? Because I just don't feel like it . I don't want to do anything this week . Keep making excuses on why I'm too busy . The reality is that I can't deal with anything right now . My chemo is coming up in a week and that has always been pretty dim . I need this quiet time to myself .
Sometimes , I wonder how young people deal with an illness . I have no small children or husband to take care of . I can always retreat into my unreal world . I can escape , but they can't . Their families have needs , they have responsibilities . How or when do they escape ? Maybe , they never do and for that I feel for them .
There are days that I don't want to think about my health , or FMLA , or what to make for dinner . I can't even come up with a title for today's blog . Today , I just want to " be ".
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
We really need to clean it up .
But not today . Today , I'm too tired or I don't have enough time . All these excuses pop into my head . The problem is that I just don't feel ready to undertake this project . It's just too overwhelming . Instead , I just keep piling other stuff on top of it . That's a conversation I hold with myself everyday .
In the kitchen , our stove needs a good scrubbing from the last couple of days . I can feel my shoulders droop everytime I look at it .
We really need to clean it up .
So , why don't I just roll up my sleeves and get to it ? Because I just don't feel like it . I don't want to do anything this week . Keep making excuses on why I'm too busy . The reality is that I can't deal with anything right now . My chemo is coming up in a week and that has always been pretty dim . I need this quiet time to myself .
Sometimes , I wonder how young people deal with an illness . I have no small children or husband to take care of . I can always retreat into my unreal world . I can escape , but they can't . Their families have needs , they have responsibilities . How or when do they escape ? Maybe , they never do and for that I feel for them .
There are days that I don't want to think about my health , or FMLA , or what to make for dinner . I can't even come up with a title for today's blog . Today , I just want to " be ".
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Tips , Tips And More Tips
It seems that we all know of someone who has cancer or other forms of illness these days . We are faced with sticky situations as to what to say or what to do when confronted with an ill friend or family member . Here are a few tips that I found work great .
1. Next time you need to visit someone at home or in the hospital , try bringing muffins or coffee instead of the usual flowers or candy . Of course , not everyone can have that per doctor instructions , but it works great for the family who are by the bedside . The last thing they're thinking about is food . Sometimes , they just don't want to leave the patient alone even for a second . Or maybe , you can prepare a casserole for someone who had chemo and doesn't feel well . When you're sick , the last thing you feel like doing is cooking . Believe me , it will be greatly appreciated .
2. We never know what to say to someone who lost a dear one or is faced with a disease that has no cure . The best thing . . . don't say anything . Talk about mundane things as a starter . I have found that I don't always want to talk about my cancer . Let's talk about something else . I'll bring it up at my pace and choice . No uncomfortable silences and chats .
3. Back to food again . My mom will make a huge pot of soup which she ladles out into small containers . I keep them in the freezer and when needed just pop them into the microwave . Same thing with cancer foods like beets and cabbage . Any salad she makes is always in a small container . When you're sick , you can't really eat a regular size meal .
4. Water is your best friend . I know , I know . People hate to drink bland , ordinary water . Water works great on any illness . If you have nausea , constipation , heartburn , bloatedness . . . . I could go on and on . Here's a tip to make water taste a whole lot better : I use a 96 oz. juice bottle that I washed out . I fill it halfway with water and place it in the freezer . When frozen , I fill the other half with fresh water . Ice cold tastes the best . You could also flavor it with lemon or orange wedges or any kind of fruit . Try it , you'll feel better .
5. This is my favorite thing that I do everyday . When you 're sick , you don't feel up to par when you get up . You feel groggy , tired and just plain blah . I take a washcloth and run very hot water to soak the washcloth completely . Squeeze it out ( careful , it's hot ) and place on your entire face for a few minutes . How refreshing ! You feel so much better instantly . I love it .
Well , that's just a few tips . Hope you have a Blessed and healthy week .
1. Next time you need to visit someone at home or in the hospital , try bringing muffins or coffee instead of the usual flowers or candy . Of course , not everyone can have that per doctor instructions , but it works great for the family who are by the bedside . The last thing they're thinking about is food . Sometimes , they just don't want to leave the patient alone even for a second . Or maybe , you can prepare a casserole for someone who had chemo and doesn't feel well . When you're sick , the last thing you feel like doing is cooking . Believe me , it will be greatly appreciated .
2. We never know what to say to someone who lost a dear one or is faced with a disease that has no cure . The best thing . . . don't say anything . Talk about mundane things as a starter . I have found that I don't always want to talk about my cancer . Let's talk about something else . I'll bring it up at my pace and choice . No uncomfortable silences and chats .
3. Back to food again . My mom will make a huge pot of soup which she ladles out into small containers . I keep them in the freezer and when needed just pop them into the microwave . Same thing with cancer foods like beets and cabbage . Any salad she makes is always in a small container . When you're sick , you can't really eat a regular size meal .
4. Water is your best friend . I know , I know . People hate to drink bland , ordinary water . Water works great on any illness . If you have nausea , constipation , heartburn , bloatedness . . . . I could go on and on . Here's a tip to make water taste a whole lot better : I use a 96 oz. juice bottle that I washed out . I fill it halfway with water and place it in the freezer . When frozen , I fill the other half with fresh water . Ice cold tastes the best . You could also flavor it with lemon or orange wedges or any kind of fruit . Try it , you'll feel better .
5. This is my favorite thing that I do everyday . When you 're sick , you don't feel up to par when you get up . You feel groggy , tired and just plain blah . I take a washcloth and run very hot water to soak the washcloth completely . Squeeze it out ( careful , it's hot ) and place on your entire face for a few minutes . How refreshing ! You feel so much better instantly . I love it .
Well , that's just a few tips . Hope you have a Blessed and healthy week .
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
I Believe In Hope
Scenario:
You're having a conversation and the other person has a slip of the tongue . They're not even aware of what they just said , but you do . You realize a confidence has been broken . There is only one person who could have told them . You're heartbroken and angry . You trusted someone and they betrayed you .
Yesterday , that happened to me . You know , I write this blog knowing full well that people read it . I would never write something that I didn't want repeated elsewhere . The people that read my blog have shown me a courtesey that I've come to admire . Many of them are my co-workers and yet , what I write here never gets repeated as gossip at work the next day . No one makes unprofessional comments or hurtful remarks . In fact , for some of them , it's months before I'm aware of who they are .
They show me a professional courtesey and I admire them for it . I don't want to get into what happened . When it comes to work , I don't have to tell anyone about my cancer or anything about it . The fact that I did tell someone wasn't for personal reasons but professional . I wanted to prepare them for my being off on FMLA during my treatment . Basically , they abused that right .
All day long , I can't wrap my head around this need that some people have in hurting others . Why do people do the things they do ? Why do we have this insane need to disobey ? To hurt ? To lie and cheat ? To break a confidence ? To justify our bad behavior ? What's the big deal ? You write a blog !
Emily says I should have known better because just look at these two ? ! When have their actions ever been appropriate ? Why do you expect them to behave better ?
Because I have hope . I am so full of hope for these two , my family , for the world , for everyone . Because I believe that there are good people out there who are trying their very best to lead a righteous life . I believe that people can change . When a person extends their hand to me in friendship , I have to take it , no matter what their true intentions may be . . . . . because I am full of hope . . . . .because I believe .
Now I hold alot of power in my hands right now . I could turn this power into revenge filled with anger and report them to my H.R. manager . I could , but what would that really solve ? Would they be sorry ? No , they would justify their actions . The best thing for me to do is leave them in the hands of God . God's wrath is far worse than anything I ever do to them .
Thank you for listening and reading . Have a Blessed Week everyone .
You're having a conversation and the other person has a slip of the tongue . They're not even aware of what they just said , but you do . You realize a confidence has been broken . There is only one person who could have told them . You're heartbroken and angry . You trusted someone and they betrayed you .
Yesterday , that happened to me . You know , I write this blog knowing full well that people read it . I would never write something that I didn't want repeated elsewhere . The people that read my blog have shown me a courtesey that I've come to admire . Many of them are my co-workers and yet , what I write here never gets repeated as gossip at work the next day . No one makes unprofessional comments or hurtful remarks . In fact , for some of them , it's months before I'm aware of who they are .
They show me a professional courtesey and I admire them for it . I don't want to get into what happened . When it comes to work , I don't have to tell anyone about my cancer or anything about it . The fact that I did tell someone wasn't for personal reasons but professional . I wanted to prepare them for my being off on FMLA during my treatment . Basically , they abused that right .
All day long , I can't wrap my head around this need that some people have in hurting others . Why do people do the things they do ? Why do we have this insane need to disobey ? To hurt ? To lie and cheat ? To break a confidence ? To justify our bad behavior ? What's the big deal ? You write a blog !
Emily says I should have known better because just look at these two ? ! When have their actions ever been appropriate ? Why do you expect them to behave better ?
Because I have hope . I am so full of hope for these two , my family , for the world , for everyone . Because I believe that there are good people out there who are trying their very best to lead a righteous life . I believe that people can change . When a person extends their hand to me in friendship , I have to take it , no matter what their true intentions may be . . . . . because I am full of hope . . . . .because I believe .
Now I hold alot of power in my hands right now . I could turn this power into revenge filled with anger and report them to my H.R. manager . I could , but what would that really solve ? Would they be sorry ? No , they would justify their actions . The best thing for me to do is leave them in the hands of God . God's wrath is far worse than anything I ever do to them .
Thank you for listening and reading . Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Monday, November 26, 2012
Blog Updates
Remember the family that disappeared in my apartment building ? The one that left a totally messy place with worms and flies all over the building ? Awhile ago , they came back , looked around and went down into the storage area but never took any of their belongings . They just left . Why come here in the first place ? The apartment was completely remodeled and yet it stands unoccupied to this day . Everything about it is strange . Their storage unit is still filled with their belongings .
Now , about the Louds Family . After receiving their Blessings in a Box , they apparently showed up at our Church's Potluck Thanksgiving Dinner . Emily and I weren't there because of a baby shower . How exciting especially since I prayed for this family . I can't wait to see what else God has in store for this family .
I ran up to Linda during Church service this past Sunday . I wanted to give her some Avon and also ask how her petscan went earlier in the week . We really had no time to chat but she did tell me it went okay . I'm so glad because , you see , she was actually smiling . I haven't seen that in awhile .
You have read many of my blogs regarding my weight , blah blah blah . Well , I've started exercising on my elliptical machine . I know , I know , I have sworn many times I would not exercise anymore . I thought that maybe it will help me both physically and mentally . I have said how afraid I am of not being able to handle both work and chemo at the same time , so . . .. . . . .maybe , this will help . I'm willing to try .
So , everyone , I have to go . This is my last full week before the chemo ( Dec. 7th.) and I'm really busy and of course , behind . See you tomorrow and have a Blessed Week !
Now , about the Louds Family . After receiving their Blessings in a Box , they apparently showed up at our Church's Potluck Thanksgiving Dinner . Emily and I weren't there because of a baby shower . How exciting especially since I prayed for this family . I can't wait to see what else God has in store for this family .
I ran up to Linda during Church service this past Sunday . I wanted to give her some Avon and also ask how her petscan went earlier in the week . We really had no time to chat but she did tell me it went okay . I'm so glad because , you see , she was actually smiling . I haven't seen that in awhile .
You have read many of my blogs regarding my weight , blah blah blah . Well , I've started exercising on my elliptical machine . I know , I know , I have sworn many times I would not exercise anymore . I thought that maybe it will help me both physically and mentally . I have said how afraid I am of not being able to handle both work and chemo at the same time , so . . .. . . . .maybe , this will help . I'm willing to try .
So , everyone , I have to go . This is my last full week before the chemo ( Dec. 7th.) and I'm really busy and of course , behind . See you tomorrow and have a Blessed Week !
Sunday, November 25, 2012
This Is The Story
This is the story of a couple of blankets that I made last year , actually it might be longer than that . I started a project where I would make blankets for the nursing home . I gave myself a deadline of Christmas which at that time wasn't more than 6 months away or so . Not much time , I know .
The game plan was for my neice Kathy to take her daughter and their tiny doggie (Jackie ) to entertain the seniors and to pass out the blankets . After leaving several messages , we found that no one was calling us back . Christmas came and went and still no call back . It seemed no one was interested in what we were offering .
I was extremely disappointed . Maybe , my blankets were just too plain and simple for the city . In a situation like this , you're self esteem plummets downward .
A few months pass and my Joe ends up speaking at Farmer City Nursing Home . A lightbulb appears above my head and the next time I see him , I hand over my stack of blankets for him to deliver to this nursing home .
Now , what I'm about to tell you next will place my son in an unfavorable light . Just remember that he is a MAN . I believe it might have been at my chemo party that I asked him if he delivered them .
Oh yes , the children made cards and presented them to the seniors along with the blankets .
Last July , we all went on vacation together . As we pulled into their garage , my eyes were drawn to a box that was filled with my blankets . At that moment , I remember faintly hearing excuses being made as I got out of the car and proceeded to stuff as many of the blankets I could into my suitcase . That totaled about two .
I believe now , that the blankets are meant for a different purpose in a different place . I do have an idea , but I will keep that to myself for now . And yes , I have forgiven my son , after all he is just a man . Have a Blessed Week everyone .
The game plan was for my neice Kathy to take her daughter and their tiny doggie (Jackie ) to entertain the seniors and to pass out the blankets . After leaving several messages , we found that no one was calling us back . Christmas came and went and still no call back . It seemed no one was interested in what we were offering .
I was extremely disappointed . Maybe , my blankets were just too plain and simple for the city . In a situation like this , you're self esteem plummets downward .
A few months pass and my Joe ends up speaking at Farmer City Nursing Home . A lightbulb appears above my head and the next time I see him , I hand over my stack of blankets for him to deliver to this nursing home .
Now , what I'm about to tell you next will place my son in an unfavorable light . Just remember that he is a MAN . I believe it might have been at my chemo party that I asked him if he delivered them .
Oh yes , the children made cards and presented them to the seniors along with the blankets .
Last July , we all went on vacation together . As we pulled into their garage , my eyes were drawn to a box that was filled with my blankets . At that moment , I remember faintly hearing excuses being made as I got out of the car and proceeded to stuff as many of the blankets I could into my suitcase . That totaled about two .
I believe now , that the blankets are meant for a different purpose in a different place . I do have an idea , but I will keep that to myself for now . And yes , I have forgiven my son , after all he is just a man . Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Saturday, November 24, 2012
A Soul Cleansing
I awakened with a start , glancing at the clock , I realized just how long I have slept . Yesterday , I had no time to lay down when I came home from work . Another family event and I didn't get to lay down until evening . I got up thinking I would write my blog and go back to sleep . . . it was only 3:30 a.m. Sunday morning .
That one blog story turned into four and the next thing I knew it was time for Church . That set the tone for the rest of the week . I have no idea where this bundle of energy came from , but I certainly took advantage of it .
With my chemo just around the corner , I need to sterilize my apartment . Yes , sterilize . Get down on my hands and knees to really get into those corners and hard to reach spots . This place has to be as germ free as possible . This extra burst of energy really helped in that department .
As I scrubbed the kitchen floor on my knees , a deep sense of satisfaction filled my soul . It's always like that when every corner is spotless . It resembles our life and sometimes we need to thoroughly clean it up to feel whole again . In a way , having chemo come back over and over again is like a soul cleansing . A time to reach deep down into our being and see what comes up .
Remember those clorox wipes from the last time ? Every morning , I would get up and wipe down the entire place . I was home then . This time , I'll be working and time will be limited . I'm not entirely sure if I can handle it : work , chemo and the daily grind of it . I must be crazy .
Having three days off from work this week surely helps . Sometimes , I look at my life and wonder how I never have enough time . My children are grown but my life is so full of extracurricular activities that my calendar is always full .
I went out and bought alot of those wipes . Funny thing is , I find myself getting out the rag and soapy water more this time . Maybe this time , I want more of a heavy duty cleanup job instead of just skimming the surface .. . .not a quick fix . Have you had a soul cleasning lately ? Maybe , it's time .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
That one blog story turned into four and the next thing I knew it was time for Church . That set the tone for the rest of the week . I have no idea where this bundle of energy came from , but I certainly took advantage of it .
With my chemo just around the corner , I need to sterilize my apartment . Yes , sterilize . Get down on my hands and knees to really get into those corners and hard to reach spots . This place has to be as germ free as possible . This extra burst of energy really helped in that department .
As I scrubbed the kitchen floor on my knees , a deep sense of satisfaction filled my soul . It's always like that when every corner is spotless . It resembles our life and sometimes we need to thoroughly clean it up to feel whole again . In a way , having chemo come back over and over again is like a soul cleansing . A time to reach deep down into our being and see what comes up .
Remember those clorox wipes from the last time ? Every morning , I would get up and wipe down the entire place . I was home then . This time , I'll be working and time will be limited . I'm not entirely sure if I can handle it : work , chemo and the daily grind of it . I must be crazy .
Having three days off from work this week surely helps . Sometimes , I look at my life and wonder how I never have enough time . My children are grown but my life is so full of extracurricular activities that my calendar is always full .
I went out and bought alot of those wipes . Funny thing is , I find myself getting out the rag and soapy water more this time . Maybe this time , I want more of a heavy duty cleanup job instead of just skimming the surface .. . .not a quick fix . Have you had a soul cleasning lately ? Maybe , it's time .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Friday, November 23, 2012
The Word Of God
Just finishing up with Thanksgiving , once again , I feel a void . In the last couple of years I find something missing in my Holidays . A sense of emptiness engulfs me , a dissatisfaction , a wanting of something " more " . Is this all it is ?
I love my family and they love me . The conversation was great and so was the food . Yet . . . . something was missing . It has nothing to do with the people I spend it with or the food . I believe it has to do with the world .
The world is forgetting the meaning of each Holiday . The reason why we are celebrating . We are focusing on the materialism of each day . How big is the feast ? How many presents will I get ? The bigger the better . The more extravagant the better . I hope the turkey is juicy .
Yes , another message on materialism , yet , here we are still participating in it . We know it , we understand it , but we still keep on doing it . What's really important to us ? Is it Christ ? Is it the Word of God ? Is it about teaching our children family values ?
No , what's important to us is waiting in line to get that flatscreen or computer for my kid so I can teach them what Christmas is all about . Let's buy the biggest and best turkey because that's what Thanksgiving is all about . Easter is not about Jesus' Resurrection but about the egg hunt . Black Friday isn't just on a Friday anymore . . . . it's Tuesday and Wednesday etc .
I sound hot , don't I ? I am . You see , we never know when our time is up and I'm sure you don't want to hear about it again , either . Why should you ? You're young and healthy and you feel you have many years to go before you have to worry about dying . I can do all this next year .
Maybe , you do . I , on the other hand , can hear my clock ticking . I'm not worried about myself , but I'm worried about the world my grandkids will be mingling with . Folks , we are teaching our children the wrong things . All these things will not satisfy their hearts . . . will not feed their soul .
My favorite Christmas was when both my kids decided we would give each other the gift of time . There were no presents that year . Instead , we ate , played games , Emily wrote a story and we watched a movie .
Now that I've ticked everyone off , I'm leaving . Have a Blessed Week everyone .
I love my family and they love me . The conversation was great and so was the food . Yet . . . . something was missing . It has nothing to do with the people I spend it with or the food . I believe it has to do with the world .
The world is forgetting the meaning of each Holiday . The reason why we are celebrating . We are focusing on the materialism of each day . How big is the feast ? How many presents will I get ? The bigger the better . The more extravagant the better . I hope the turkey is juicy .
Yes , another message on materialism , yet , here we are still participating in it . We know it , we understand it , but we still keep on doing it . What's really important to us ? Is it Christ ? Is it the Word of God ? Is it about teaching our children family values ?
No , what's important to us is waiting in line to get that flatscreen or computer for my kid so I can teach them what Christmas is all about . Let's buy the biggest and best turkey because that's what Thanksgiving is all about . Easter is not about Jesus' Resurrection but about the egg hunt . Black Friday isn't just on a Friday anymore . . . . it's Tuesday and Wednesday etc .
I sound hot , don't I ? I am . You see , we never know when our time is up and I'm sure you don't want to hear about it again , either . Why should you ? You're young and healthy and you feel you have many years to go before you have to worry about dying . I can do all this next year .
Maybe , you do . I , on the other hand , can hear my clock ticking . I'm not worried about myself , but I'm worried about the world my grandkids will be mingling with . Folks , we are teaching our children the wrong things . All these things will not satisfy their hearts . . . will not feed their soul .
My favorite Christmas was when both my kids decided we would give each other the gift of time . There were no presents that year . Instead , we ate , played games , Emily wrote a story and we watched a movie .
Now that I've ticked everyone off , I'm leaving . Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thanksgiving From The Past
The story begins quite a few years back when Joey first moved to Carlinville . Kathy , Destiny and I were driving up with a truckful of wicker furniture for him . It was the Friday after Thanksgiving and we were planning on having our own belated dinner .
As we walked up to the reservation desk at the hotel , we found that Joey left us a plate of homemade cookies . When we bit into them in our room , we found they were raw . My son bought the kind that comes in a roll-can and you slice them . He , apparently , thought that's all you had to do to them
Since Joey had to work Thanksgiving Week , we all met at his apartment in the evening to have our dinner . Joey lived in a not so nice area and his place was even worse . The kitchen had this ancient stove with numerous knobs to operate it . Honestly , Kathy and I looked at that stove and tried to figure it out , but how ?
The Thanksgiving dinner was probably the most unflavorful ever , yet whenever I think of a thanksgiving memory , that's the first one that pops into my head . Obviously , we had a great time . We played pool at the hotel , swam and played basketball . I think Joey was just glad to have us there with him at Thanksgiving .
So as we all sit down to dinner today , let's remember that it doesn't matter if the turkey is dry or the jello runny . . . . it's the people we share it with that matter . Have a Blessed Thanksgiving !
As we walked up to the reservation desk at the hotel , we found that Joey left us a plate of homemade cookies . When we bit into them in our room , we found they were raw . My son bought the kind that comes in a roll-can and you slice them . He , apparently , thought that's all you had to do to them
Since Joey had to work Thanksgiving Week , we all met at his apartment in the evening to have our dinner . Joey lived in a not so nice area and his place was even worse . The kitchen had this ancient stove with numerous knobs to operate it . Honestly , Kathy and I looked at that stove and tried to figure it out , but how ?
The Thanksgiving dinner was probably the most unflavorful ever , yet whenever I think of a thanksgiving memory , that's the first one that pops into my head . Obviously , we had a great time . We played pool at the hotel , swam and played basketball . I think Joey was just glad to have us there with him at Thanksgiving .
So as we all sit down to dinner today , let's remember that it doesn't matter if the turkey is dry or the jello runny . . . . it's the people we share it with that matter . Have a Blessed Thanksgiving !
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Resident Evil
Ms. Krol , please follow me .
Following the technician into the room for my mugascan , I just nodded as she explained the procedure . I tuned half of what she was saying out . It's just another day , with another test , in another part of the hospital .
Which arm would you prefer , Ms. Krol ?
I showed her both and she frowns . My veins are nonexistent because of all the chemo I've had . The chemo just destroys the veins and it will be years before they return to normal . Which arm ? Take your pick .
After finding a passable vein , she draws blood and sends it to the lab to be mixed in with some radioactive gamma something . She lost me after awhile , so I really don't remember the name of it . Then it sits for like 20 minutes and then re-inserted back into my bloodstream . The blood mixture will float to my heart or something like that . Then they take a five minute picture of my heart from two separate angles . They want to see how my heart reacts . The chemo I will be using is a sister drug to another chemo that has a tendency to hurt the heart .
As I laid there , they kept asking me if I was alright . I almost fell asleep . That's how immune I have become to all these tests . Yes , I was alright . I certainly hope I didn't emit a little snore here and there .
That evening , I related to Emily the whole procedure . I felt a little bit like Alice from Resident Evil . That entire test resembled the T-virus that was re-inserted into Alice and it mutated with her blood making her invincible . I can't even wrap my head around modern technology in the medicine world . What they can do ! Will I become a little bit invincible myself ?
All Emily wanted to know is did I wear that same outfit that Alice wore while they worked on her . . . . you know . . . . .the one where two pieces the size of a hankerchief were tied together . . . one in the front of her naked body and the other in the back ?
I can see a bit of myself in her everyday . That's just what I would ask . Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Following the technician into the room for my mugascan , I just nodded as she explained the procedure . I tuned half of what she was saying out . It's just another day , with another test , in another part of the hospital .
Which arm would you prefer , Ms. Krol ?
I showed her both and she frowns . My veins are nonexistent because of all the chemo I've had . The chemo just destroys the veins and it will be years before they return to normal . Which arm ? Take your pick .
After finding a passable vein , she draws blood and sends it to the lab to be mixed in with some radioactive gamma something . She lost me after awhile , so I really don't remember the name of it . Then it sits for like 20 minutes and then re-inserted back into my bloodstream . The blood mixture will float to my heart or something like that . Then they take a five minute picture of my heart from two separate angles . They want to see how my heart reacts . The chemo I will be using is a sister drug to another chemo that has a tendency to hurt the heart .
As I laid there , they kept asking me if I was alright . I almost fell asleep . That's how immune I have become to all these tests . Yes , I was alright . I certainly hope I didn't emit a little snore here and there .
That evening , I related to Emily the whole procedure . I felt a little bit like Alice from Resident Evil . That entire test resembled the T-virus that was re-inserted into Alice and it mutated with her blood making her invincible . I can't even wrap my head around modern technology in the medicine world . What they can do ! Will I become a little bit invincible myself ?
All Emily wanted to know is did I wear that same outfit that Alice wore while they worked on her . . . . you know . . . . .the one where two pieces the size of a hankerchief were tied together . . . one in the front of her naked body and the other in the back ?
I can see a bit of myself in her everyday . That's just what I would ask . Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
The Last Frontier
On Emily's birthday weekend getaway , I fell in love with a show called " Alaska : The Last Frontier ." This is about the Kilcher family's life in the wild wilderness of Alaska . They also happen to be the singer's Jewel family members .
They live this simple life where they live off the land . They hunt , garden , build , harvest etc . This family is amazing ! They make me realize and appreciate our ancestors who had to survive in the same way . There is nothing these people can't do . They make everything from scratch : their detergents , lotions , medicine , homes , jewelry etc . To me , it's so educational .
As I watch , I fantasize myself there , living alongside them . I know that is very unrealistic since I know I wouldn't be able to survive . You see , I know I'm too selfish . They work from dawn to dusk . All I want to do now is meditate , crochet and write my blog . How is any of that going to provide for the coming winter that lasts eight months in Alaska .
Emily can't stand this show . She is a lover of animals and a vegetarian and all this hunting going on is too much for her . This slaughtering is too much for her to understand .
Yes , we have become very selfish society . We have forgotten how to show respect for all the things around us . We abuse every single pleasure that God has gifted to us . Yes , gifted to us . We assume that we are entitled to this world and it's pleasures .
So I sit here , drinking a glass of wine that I won at the baby shower . Someone at our table remarked how expensive this brand was and I honestly can tell you that I prefer my Kathy's homemade wine better . Even at the shower , when Missy opened her presents I felt awkward knowing that my gift held three homemade baby blankets , imperfect and crude compared to the other machine made items . As she opened my gift , she got all choked up and teary-eyed . She didn't cry when she opened up the $ 300.00 swing set .
When Emily bakes her goods , I would ask her , Why does it taste so good ? She would reply :
" Because it's made with Love "
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
They live this simple life where they live off the land . They hunt , garden , build , harvest etc . This family is amazing ! They make me realize and appreciate our ancestors who had to survive in the same way . There is nothing these people can't do . They make everything from scratch : their detergents , lotions , medicine , homes , jewelry etc . To me , it's so educational .
As I watch , I fantasize myself there , living alongside them . I know that is very unrealistic since I know I wouldn't be able to survive . You see , I know I'm too selfish . They work from dawn to dusk . All I want to do now is meditate , crochet and write my blog . How is any of that going to provide for the coming winter that lasts eight months in Alaska .
Emily can't stand this show . She is a lover of animals and a vegetarian and all this hunting going on is too much for her . This slaughtering is too much for her to understand .
Yes , we have become very selfish society . We have forgotten how to show respect for all the things around us . We abuse every single pleasure that God has gifted to us . Yes , gifted to us . We assume that we are entitled to this world and it's pleasures .
So I sit here , drinking a glass of wine that I won at the baby shower . Someone at our table remarked how expensive this brand was and I honestly can tell you that I prefer my Kathy's homemade wine better . Even at the shower , when Missy opened her presents I felt awkward knowing that my gift held three homemade baby blankets , imperfect and crude compared to the other machine made items . As she opened my gift , she got all choked up and teary-eyed . She didn't cry when she opened up the $ 300.00 swing set .
When Emily bakes her goods , I would ask her , Why does it taste so good ? She would reply :
" Because it's made with Love "
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Monday, November 19, 2012
Tidbits Here And There
1. A few days ago , I broke a promise I made to myself . I missed a deadline and didn't post a blog entry . Now , that might have you say " so what " , but I have a list of things that I want to accomplish on a daily basis and on a weekly basis . This schedule provides me with a desire to get up every morning regardless of how I feel . I don't ever want to fall into the darkness of despair . It makes no difference if I had a valid reason or not , it shouldn't have happened . I should have been better prepared . I want to make sure that I stay in the right frame of mind . It takes alot of work to have a positive attitude regarding this disease , which leads me into my next tidbit .
2 . While I was at my doctor's , one of my chemo nurses came up to me offering her services in organizing the donation of my slippers to the hospital . Now , I have been worried on how I would accomplish this feat since I never done this before . Who do I call ? Where do I go ? Again , God provided . He sent me a nurse who has contacts at the Children Memorial Hospital here in Chicago . So we might donate these crocheted slippers here instead of St. Jude's . I will keep you posted . Again , this isn't until February when my deadline ends. Right now , we have 608 pairs ready . Not as much as I hoped to have by now . My transition going back to work set me back .
3. Yes , work . Let's talk about work . I'm adapting quite well . I think it has more to do with organizing my time better than anything else . As to that aggravating person I'm trying so hard to love ? Emily put it best : With all my health issues resurfacing again , my mind has been preoccupied and I have no time to be focusing on that person , therefore , we get along better .
4 . Family . . . . I have seen my close family members like every couple of days this month . From my mom's 70th birthday party to my Godson's baby shower . This week we have Thanksgiving , which we hardly ever had together as a family . Well , this year we're getting together . Like two days later , my nephew's bowling birthday party . Now family , I love you , but let's at least give a week before we see each other again .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
2 . While I was at my doctor's , one of my chemo nurses came up to me offering her services in organizing the donation of my slippers to the hospital . Now , I have been worried on how I would accomplish this feat since I never done this before . Who do I call ? Where do I go ? Again , God provided . He sent me a nurse who has contacts at the Children Memorial Hospital here in Chicago . So we might donate these crocheted slippers here instead of St. Jude's . I will keep you posted . Again , this isn't until February when my deadline ends. Right now , we have 608 pairs ready . Not as much as I hoped to have by now . My transition going back to work set me back .
3. Yes , work . Let's talk about work . I'm adapting quite well . I think it has more to do with organizing my time better than anything else . As to that aggravating person I'm trying so hard to love ? Emily put it best : With all my health issues resurfacing again , my mind has been preoccupied and I have no time to be focusing on that person , therefore , we get along better .
4 . Family . . . . I have seen my close family members like every couple of days this month . From my mom's 70th birthday party to my Godson's baby shower . This week we have Thanksgiving , which we hardly ever had together as a family . Well , this year we're getting together . Like two days later , my nephew's bowling birthday party . Now family , I love you , but let's at least give a week before we see each other again .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Sunday, November 18, 2012
The Game Of Life
The William Tell Holiday Inn is a beautiful place . Here we are , sitting in one of their many rooms , having a baby shower . I have Aubs and Hannah on each side of me . Not too long ago , we sat here , in the same room , at the same table , preparing for this same couple's journey in life as they opened their wedding shower presents .
As we watched them play the many silly games , you could see their excitement and happiness as they embark on the next stage of the game of life . These milestones in our lives seem to bring out the sentimental longings within our hearts . Looking at Aubs , I could see on her face the same thoughts as mine . When will it be my turn ?
This very morning , as I tried getting a few winks before the shower , the girls ( Aubs , Emily , Hannah ) pulled out the game we play everytime they stay over . . . . The Game Of Life . As they played , they each wished for a desire of their hearts . For some , it could be that great career , or many babies or marriage . No matter what that desire , we all want to experience the life of it . We want to live it and not watch others do it for us .
Oh , how I would love the opportunity of being here to see both , Emily and Aubs . swell with the life of a babe inside of them . To see their happiness and their excitement as they embarked on a journey of their own in this game of life .
My one desire for my children ? To really think about the outcome of their choices before they embark on their desires . I want them to start life the right way , on the right path . No matter if they fall off that path , it will be easier for them to get back onto it . Make a wrong choice right at the start and it could take you half a lifetime to finally find that yellow brick road .
Just look at me , folks . Look at how old I am . It was a long time until I found that right path .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
As we watched them play the many silly games , you could see their excitement and happiness as they embark on the next stage of the game of life . These milestones in our lives seem to bring out the sentimental longings within our hearts . Looking at Aubs , I could see on her face the same thoughts as mine . When will it be my turn ?
This very morning , as I tried getting a few winks before the shower , the girls ( Aubs , Emily , Hannah ) pulled out the game we play everytime they stay over . . . . The Game Of Life . As they played , they each wished for a desire of their hearts . For some , it could be that great career , or many babies or marriage . No matter what that desire , we all want to experience the life of it . We want to live it and not watch others do it for us .
Oh , how I would love the opportunity of being here to see both , Emily and Aubs . swell with the life of a babe inside of them . To see their happiness and their excitement as they embarked on a journey of their own in this game of life .
My one desire for my children ? To really think about the outcome of their choices before they embark on their desires . I want them to start life the right way , on the right path . No matter if they fall off that path , it will be easier for them to get back onto it . Make a wrong choice right at the start and it could take you half a lifetime to finally find that yellow brick road .
Just look at me , folks . Look at how old I am . It was a long time until I found that right path .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Friday, November 16, 2012
Feel The Power
Feel the love . Feel the loss . Feel empowered . In the year 2007 , 2011 and 2012 . . . . . my progression chart .
Driving home from the doctor , radio blaring and I'm singing at the top of my lungs right along with it . In my handbag , the fmla packet all filled out and signed ready for the fax machine . There is no worry or fretting regarding those papers . . . whatever . My mood over brimming with JOY . Where did that come from ?
In my mind a chart is spread out recording my emotional struggles with cancer .
2007-felt the love
2011 - cried with despair and a sense of loss
2012 - I feel empowered . I feel joy .
What is happening here ? I don't know . People are hugging me with tears in their eyes , offering their prayers for my health and I'm okay . I'm happy . There must be something wrong with me . I'm truly happy .
I have cancer . . . . so what . I'm probably dying . . . . so what . I'm going to a Paradise . I have children who love me . I have friends who would do anything for me . I have family that is there for me . I have Church that prays and supports me . How am I a victim ? How am I losing ?
I'm winning . All these years , I've been searching for that JOY and now I've finally found it . As far as I'm concerned I'm winning . I feel the power of Jesus Christ in my life and no one can take that from me . There is nothing to cry about here .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Driving home from the doctor , radio blaring and I'm singing at the top of my lungs right along with it . In my handbag , the fmla packet all filled out and signed ready for the fax machine . There is no worry or fretting regarding those papers . . . whatever . My mood over brimming with JOY . Where did that come from ?
In my mind a chart is spread out recording my emotional struggles with cancer .
2007-felt the love
2011 - cried with despair and a sense of loss
2012 - I feel empowered . I feel joy .
What is happening here ? I don't know . People are hugging me with tears in their eyes , offering their prayers for my health and I'm okay . I'm happy . There must be something wrong with me . I'm truly happy .
I have cancer . . . . so what . I'm probably dying . . . . so what . I'm going to a Paradise . I have children who love me . I have friends who would do anything for me . I have family that is there for me . I have Church that prays and supports me . How am I a victim ? How am I losing ?
I'm winning . All these years , I've been searching for that JOY and now I've finally found it . As far as I'm concerned I'm winning . I feel the power of Jesus Christ in my life and no one can take that from me . There is nothing to cry about here .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Thursday, November 15, 2012
In His Presence
Sitting here in the early hours of the morning , where it's still dark outside , I can feel His presence . Neither one of us are speaking , yet , there is that perfect peace that we can only find in Him . Having spent a huge part of the week dealing with insurance and fmla paperwork , I find myself thirsty for God's quiet reassurance . Slipping on my headphones . . . .
Found in your hands , fullness of joy , suddenly every fear wiped away . Here in Your presence
Closing my eyes , everything melts away . I lay my heart down before Him . For comfort . . . . for reassurance . . . . for provision . . . .for forgiveness . All of my life , I have believed and prayed , but I never felt as close to Him as I have been these past five years . I cannot imagine a life without Him .
Here in Your presence , we are undone
Here in Your presence , Heaven and earth become one
Here in Your presence , all things are new
Here in Your presence , everything bows before You
I am overcome with emotion and the tears start to fall . It is not grief , but the raw feelings of love and being loved . Everything I am is because of Him . Everything I have is because of Him . How can I express the peace I feel when there should be a storm raging instead ? Who provided that calm within me if not Him ?
Found in Your hands , fullness of joy , suddenly every fear wiped away ,
Everything will be okay .. . . here in His presence .
Found in your hands , fullness of joy , suddenly every fear wiped away . Here in Your presence
Closing my eyes , everything melts away . I lay my heart down before Him . For comfort . . . . for reassurance . . . . for provision . . . .for forgiveness . All of my life , I have believed and prayed , but I never felt as close to Him as I have been these past five years . I cannot imagine a life without Him .
Here in Your presence , we are undone
Here in Your presence , Heaven and earth become one
Here in Your presence , all things are new
Here in Your presence , everything bows before You
I am overcome with emotion and the tears start to fall . It is not grief , but the raw feelings of love and being loved . Everything I am is because of Him . Everything I have is because of Him . How can I express the peace I feel when there should be a storm raging instead ? Who provided that calm within me if not Him ?
Found in Your hands , fullness of joy , suddenly every fear wiped away ,
Everything will be okay .. . . here in His presence .
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
A Day Of Rest
We love our Sundays around here , especially since lately , we have been so busy during the week . We look forward to this day . After Church , we spend the rest of the day watching movies together . We rarely go anywhere on Sunday . This is our quality time .
Emily is not the only quality time I spend . Many months ago , I subscribed to all these devotionals , videos , audios of all my favorite ministries to be sent via e-mail . Well , I kinda over did it and now I have about 1800 of them that I haven't even opened .
Every Sunday night , when the whole world is asleep , I listen or read them while crocheting . It has become my personal time with God . There are times , during the week , that I can't wait for Sunday night to come . I need this time alone in the Word to refresh my mind and my soul .
I've also noticed how much Emily looks forward to our day spent together . Even at Church , when I'm actually upstairs listening to the sermon , she takes videos of the kids downstairs so I would know what they were doing in my absence . We have alot of fun watching these . This has become another Sunday pasttime .
I don't think it matters what we're doing , it's just that we are doing something together .Since my cancer , we both are very much aware that time is limited , so let's use it wisely .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Emily is not the only quality time I spend . Many months ago , I subscribed to all these devotionals , videos , audios of all my favorite ministries to be sent via e-mail . Well , I kinda over did it and now I have about 1800 of them that I haven't even opened .
Every Sunday night , when the whole world is asleep , I listen or read them while crocheting . It has become my personal time with God . There are times , during the week , that I can't wait for Sunday night to come . I need this time alone in the Word to refresh my mind and my soul .
I've also noticed how much Emily looks forward to our day spent together . Even at Church , when I'm actually upstairs listening to the sermon , she takes videos of the kids downstairs so I would know what they were doing in my absence . We have alot of fun watching these . This has become another Sunday pasttime .
I don't think it matters what we're doing , it's just that we are doing something together .Since my cancer , we both are very much aware that time is limited , so let's use it wisely .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Linda
Last Sunday , before Church , right in the parking lot , Linda ran up to meet me . There was an air of anxiety in her movements . She saw me the Sunday before last and felt there was something about my body language that worried her . She wanted to make sure I was alright .
Haven't I said we are like one person ? I haven't told her about my cancer's return , yet , she felt something was wrong . I told her then right in that parking lot .
My cancer's return weighed heavily on Linda's heart all during the service . The minute it was over , she ran back downstairs in Kidz Zone to see me once more . I tried my best to reassure her that I'm okay with it . I tried telling her it was alright .
It's not alright . It's not alright . Those were Linda's words . She was upset and couldn't deal with this . I can understand why . We have been dealing with our cancers together right from the start . We want one of us to have a normal life and beat this . . . . .be done with all of this . . . . at least one of us . Just as I'm sure that Doug's family is worried about his cancer returning since it has happened to us both .
How is Linda doing ? Well , she still has been taking chemotherapy and will have her Petscan to determine if it's working or not . Or if her cancer has spread some more .
As she left , she kept hugging me and Emily all full of concern for the both of us . I didn't want her to be worrying about me . She needs to be worrying about herself , but I understood that concern . Won't you please , take a minute to pray for Linda's peace in all of this ? She has so much on her plate , she doesn't need mine as well .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Haven't I said we are like one person ? I haven't told her about my cancer's return , yet , she felt something was wrong . I told her then right in that parking lot .
My cancer's return weighed heavily on Linda's heart all during the service . The minute it was over , she ran back downstairs in Kidz Zone to see me once more . I tried my best to reassure her that I'm okay with it . I tried telling her it was alright .
It's not alright . It's not alright . Those were Linda's words . She was upset and couldn't deal with this . I can understand why . We have been dealing with our cancers together right from the start . We want one of us to have a normal life and beat this . . . . .be done with all of this . . . . at least one of us . Just as I'm sure that Doug's family is worried about his cancer returning since it has happened to us both .
How is Linda doing ? Well , she still has been taking chemotherapy and will have her Petscan to determine if it's working or not . Or if her cancer has spread some more .
As she left , she kept hugging me and Emily all full of concern for the both of us . I didn't want her to be worrying about me . She needs to be worrying about herself , but I understood that concern . Won't you please , take a minute to pray for Linda's peace in all of this ? She has so much on her plate , she doesn't need mine as well .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Monday, November 12, 2012
Blessings In A Box
Remember the Louds living above us ? They are still here , loud as ever . We never really see them , but we hear them .
The father , I believe , drives a truck collecting metal . He is up every morning at 4 a.m. and comes home in the evening when it's dark . On Sundays , he still goes out but only for a half day . I feel for this man , working so many hours to provide for his family . The sacrifices he makes for his family are evident .
As we prepared for Blessings In A Box in our Church , I thought of this family . I wanted , somehow , to help ease this man's burden . I wanted for him to be able to stay home one Sunday and spend it with his family . Maybe , even go to Church together instead .
As I submitted their name , I felt afraid that this might be taken the wrong way . People can be proud and instead of seeing this as a Blessing they may see it as an Inadequancy on their part . I didn't want this man to feel that way . To me , he was standing up and leading his family . You have to admire that .
You have no idea how I prayed so they could see what this Blessings in a Box was really all about . I wanted them to know they are loved , truly Blessed by our Father . I wish I was there to witness their reaction . The whole pleasure of giving is seeing the recipients Joy .
If I was given power to change one thing about this world , I would change how we treat each other . I wish we all would reach out to one another in kindness and generousity . What would you change ?
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
The father , I believe , drives a truck collecting metal . He is up every morning at 4 a.m. and comes home in the evening when it's dark . On Sundays , he still goes out but only for a half day . I feel for this man , working so many hours to provide for his family . The sacrifices he makes for his family are evident .
As we prepared for Blessings In A Box in our Church , I thought of this family . I wanted , somehow , to help ease this man's burden . I wanted for him to be able to stay home one Sunday and spend it with his family . Maybe , even go to Church together instead .
As I submitted their name , I felt afraid that this might be taken the wrong way . People can be proud and instead of seeing this as a Blessing they may see it as an Inadequancy on their part . I didn't want this man to feel that way . To me , he was standing up and leading his family . You have to admire that .
You have no idea how I prayed so they could see what this Blessings in a Box was really all about . I wanted them to know they are loved , truly Blessed by our Father . I wish I was there to witness their reaction . The whole pleasure of giving is seeing the recipients Joy .
If I was given power to change one thing about this world , I would change how we treat each other . I wish we all would reach out to one another in kindness and generousity . What would you change ?
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Piglet
Piglet : My Aub's puppy going by the name of Missy . She actually looks like a black piglet , hence the name I call her . She stayed by us overnight as the family gathered for my mom's 70th surprise birthday party .
She arrived Friday night as I was making my way to work . She couldn't stay in the hotel room with them . Joe and Aubrey brought a cage for her thinking she would sleep soundly in my room until the next morning . I knew this would never work . A puppy in a strange , new place all alone in a cage . Who were they kidding ? Even I'd be scared .
We had to separate Diamond and Missy from each other . Diamond went in Emily's room and Missy went in my bedroom . It didn't take long for the texts from Emily to begin . Missy is whining and wants out of the cage . She would leave Diamond and come stay with Missy . Then Diamond is meowing in the next room . Again , Emily goes back to the other room just to hear Missy barking for her .
Emily kept darting from cat to dog until 2 a.m. in the morning . Finally , grabbing Missy she fell asleep on the couch in the living room for a mere 2 hours only to be woken up by soft , wet kisses from Missy . Then , it was time to race frantically around the room with renewed energy !
Yes , it was a very eventful night and as I walked in the morning , a very sleepy Emily handed me the " baby " as my turn began . Another round of " tug and war " only tired me out . Looking around my room for something to play fetch with , I was reminded of all those sleepless nights when my children were babies .
Finally , after a couple of hours , we ended up on the bed so she could watch some show on the Discovery Channel . Needless to say , I fell asleep with the little " piglet " nestled by my feet .
Later , packing up her things , I smiled at my grandson and exclaimed how messy my room became with Missy here .
" Oh , grandma , it's much cleaner than the last time I was here ."
God Bless children !
She arrived Friday night as I was making my way to work . She couldn't stay in the hotel room with them . Joe and Aubrey brought a cage for her thinking she would sleep soundly in my room until the next morning . I knew this would never work . A puppy in a strange , new place all alone in a cage . Who were they kidding ? Even I'd be scared .
We had to separate Diamond and Missy from each other . Diamond went in Emily's room and Missy went in my bedroom . It didn't take long for the texts from Emily to begin . Missy is whining and wants out of the cage . She would leave Diamond and come stay with Missy . Then Diamond is meowing in the next room . Again , Emily goes back to the other room just to hear Missy barking for her .
Emily kept darting from cat to dog until 2 a.m. in the morning . Finally , grabbing Missy she fell asleep on the couch in the living room for a mere 2 hours only to be woken up by soft , wet kisses from Missy . Then , it was time to race frantically around the room with renewed energy !
Yes , it was a very eventful night and as I walked in the morning , a very sleepy Emily handed me the " baby " as my turn began . Another round of " tug and war " only tired me out . Looking around my room for something to play fetch with , I was reminded of all those sleepless nights when my children were babies .
Finally , after a couple of hours , we ended up on the bed so she could watch some show on the Discovery Channel . Needless to say , I fell asleep with the little " piglet " nestled by my feet .
Later , packing up her things , I smiled at my grandson and exclaimed how messy my room became with Missy here .
" Oh , grandma , it's much cleaner than the last time I was here ."
God Bless children !
Friday, November 9, 2012
Random Thoughts
Today , my mind drifted into all sorts of directions , never focusing on any particular thing . Some days are like that and for me , it usually means I'm very tired .
Speaking of tired , this whole week has dragged and I mean DRAGGED . I'm so exhausted that I've been looking for Friday way back on Monday . This new position is kicking my buttocks . I just can't keep up . I'm starting to have doubts in my capabilities . Emily , on the other hand , reminded me that God placed me in that position and He knows what He is doing . Every morning , when my shift ends , I open a drawer and shove all the unfinished work for tomorrow . I do this every morning and now the drawer is full . Where am I going to shove today's work ?
This morning , I left later than usual , heading straight for my repeat mammogram appointment . They call it diagnostic , I call it torture . Ladies , you think the normal mammogram hurts .........just wait for this one . It all came out A-okay , though . My technician was the nicest person ever . She took such great care of me and explained everything in a way that a normal person could understand . I don't even remember the pain , I only remember her beautiful smile .
The traffic back was anything but beautiful . I think I hit every red light , construction work , detours , delivery trucks parked in the street . .... . . . . Lord , help me . To pass the time in this long drive home , I've tried calling people and listening to music , but nothing worked . That's when my mind drifted in all directions . Too bad , I can't write while I'm driving . In my mind , I wrote alot of great blogs , but none that I could remember when I sat down at the computer . I guess , you'll have to settle for this .
Have a Blessed Weekend everyone .
Speaking of tired , this whole week has dragged and I mean DRAGGED . I'm so exhausted that I've been looking for Friday way back on Monday . This new position is kicking my buttocks . I just can't keep up . I'm starting to have doubts in my capabilities . Emily , on the other hand , reminded me that God placed me in that position and He knows what He is doing . Every morning , when my shift ends , I open a drawer and shove all the unfinished work for tomorrow . I do this every morning and now the drawer is full . Where am I going to shove today's work ?
This morning , I left later than usual , heading straight for my repeat mammogram appointment . They call it diagnostic , I call it torture . Ladies , you think the normal mammogram hurts .........just wait for this one . It all came out A-okay , though . My technician was the nicest person ever . She took such great care of me and explained everything in a way that a normal person could understand . I don't even remember the pain , I only remember her beautiful smile .
The traffic back was anything but beautiful . I think I hit every red light , construction work , detours , delivery trucks parked in the street . .... . . . . Lord , help me . To pass the time in this long drive home , I've tried calling people and listening to music , but nothing worked . That's when my mind drifted in all directions . Too bad , I can't write while I'm driving . In my mind , I wrote alot of great blogs , but none that I could remember when I sat down at the computer . I guess , you'll have to settle for this .
Have a Blessed Weekend everyone .
Thursday, November 8, 2012
A Little Rip Van Winkle
Remember Rip Van Winkle and how he slept so soundly ? Didn't we think how strange it was that he fell asleep for so long ? And so suddenly ?
I could almost tell my cancer was back , just by how tired I have been feeling . I haven't started chemo yet and already I'm taking naps everyday .
I was afraid this would happen . Since 2007 , I developed a thyroid condition and now everytime my cancer comes back , it makes it worse . Talk about getting sleepy . I could be fine one minute and the next , an exhaustion overcomes me and I need to lie down .
This has been one of my main concerns , especially since I plan on working and only taking off the week of my treatment . What if I can't keep up with the workload ? What if I'm too exhausted ?
Since my cancer is a re-occurring one , I need to make room for it in my life . I need to make it work . I will not allow it to disrupt my life , but to go on as normal as possible . No more scarves , but wigs . No more looking like a victim . My wish : no one will be able to tell I have cancer . That's the ideal plan .
So , my friends , it's time to turn off the lights and nap . Have a Blessed Week everyone .
I could almost tell my cancer was back , just by how tired I have been feeling . I haven't started chemo yet and already I'm taking naps everyday .
I was afraid this would happen . Since 2007 , I developed a thyroid condition and now everytime my cancer comes back , it makes it worse . Talk about getting sleepy . I could be fine one minute and the next , an exhaustion overcomes me and I need to lie down .
This has been one of my main concerns , especially since I plan on working and only taking off the week of my treatment . What if I can't keep up with the workload ? What if I'm too exhausted ?
Since my cancer is a re-occurring one , I need to make room for it in my life . I need to make it work . I will not allow it to disrupt my life , but to go on as normal as possible . No more scarves , but wigs . No more looking like a victim . My wish : no one will be able to tell I have cancer . That's the ideal plan .
So , my friends , it's time to turn off the lights and nap . Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
The Tabernacle Of Thanksgiving
This month is a pretty big month for our family . Not only is it filled with many birthdays ( Joe's included ) , but many exciting familial milestones . . . . right next to Thanksgiving . We , as a family , have alot to be thankful for .
For many of us , Thanksgiving is the only time we stop and take the time to be thankful for our Daily Blessings . Funny , how it takes a tragedy or illness for us to be thankful everyday .
Unfortunately , it seems that Thanksgiving is a quickie holiday that we gloss over . This holiday is not only sandwiched right between Halloween and Christmas , but overshadowed by them both . A Holiday right smack in the middle of the week where most of us have to return to work the next day . Yes , it feels more like a day off than a time of harvest and thanksgiving .
I am just as quilty as everyone else . I look forward to that solitude . It seems that every year we have less and less family members joining us for Thanksgiving Dinner . Each of us opting for a day of solitude with our favorite chair in our relaxing clothes watching A Christmas Story .
For some reason , this year is turning out to be different . The family is getting together for dinner . Thanksgiving has always been the Holiday where we see the " other " family , the in-laws .
So as this holiday approaches I hope everyone one of us remembers what it truly is about . Have a Blessed Week everyone .
For many of us , Thanksgiving is the only time we stop and take the time to be thankful for our Daily Blessings . Funny , how it takes a tragedy or illness for us to be thankful everyday .
Unfortunately , it seems that Thanksgiving is a quickie holiday that we gloss over . This holiday is not only sandwiched right between Halloween and Christmas , but overshadowed by them both . A Holiday right smack in the middle of the week where most of us have to return to work the next day . Yes , it feels more like a day off than a time of harvest and thanksgiving .
I am just as quilty as everyone else . I look forward to that solitude . It seems that every year we have less and less family members joining us for Thanksgiving Dinner . Each of us opting for a day of solitude with our favorite chair in our relaxing clothes watching A Christmas Story .
For some reason , this year is turning out to be different . The family is getting together for dinner . Thanksgiving has always been the Holiday where we see the " other " family , the in-laws .
So as this holiday approaches I hope everyone one of us remembers what it truly is about . Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
A Flash From The Past
Signing into facebook , I noticed my friend request beaming the number one . Someone wants to be my friend . To my surprise it is someone I haven't seen for many years , a real flash from the past .
I hesitate before accepting . Alot has changed in these many years separating us . Definitely not the same anymore . I'm definitely not the same anymore . In that one moment , my mind drifted back to a time I'm not very proud of , reliving the good ole times .
I have changed in many ways . My appearance is definitely different . I hardly recognize myself at times . My health has taken a dive downward over and over again . The being living inside of me has taken the biggest hit . I was reborn in more ways than one . What would this person think of me now ?
For a split second , I felt embarrassed by my life . . . . just a split second . Then I realized I wouldn't change anything about it . I didn't care what this person thought of me . Let them call me whatever they want .
I have gained weight , been through cancer three times now and I'm a born again Christian . So what ?! Let them talk or make fun all they want . I'm glad I'm not the same person I was back then . I am me . What's even better is the fact that I actually like myself now .
Yes , this person will probably wonder what has happened to her to bring on all this change and not in a nice way , either . Those good ole times , can never come back . They are not welcomed here . The biggest change has happened inside of me .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
I hesitate before accepting . Alot has changed in these many years separating us . Definitely not the same anymore . I'm definitely not the same anymore . In that one moment , my mind drifted back to a time I'm not very proud of , reliving the good ole times .
I have changed in many ways . My appearance is definitely different . I hardly recognize myself at times . My health has taken a dive downward over and over again . The being living inside of me has taken the biggest hit . I was reborn in more ways than one . What would this person think of me now ?
For a split second , I felt embarrassed by my life . . . . just a split second . Then I realized I wouldn't change anything about it . I didn't care what this person thought of me . Let them call me whatever they want .
I have gained weight , been through cancer three times now and I'm a born again Christian . So what ?! Let them talk or make fun all they want . I'm glad I'm not the same person I was back then . I am me . What's even better is the fact that I actually like myself now .
Yes , this person will probably wonder what has happened to her to bring on all this change and not in a nice way , either . Those good ole times , can never come back . They are not welcomed here . The biggest change has happened inside of me .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Monday, November 5, 2012
The Weak And The Strong
My friend , Belen , came over for a girl chat and some coffee . As usual , we scattered from topic to topic . We will touch everything from A to Z within the time frame of our little get together . Do you do that with your girlfriends ?
Somehow , we came upon the subject of my cancer . I asked her why do people keep calling me a " warrior " or " brave " or "strong" ? I have always found this perplexing because in writing this blog , I have completely exposed myself to all of you . You have been there , especially the last time , witnessing my tears .. . . my weak moments . How does that signify strength ?
Because in all of that , you still got up and taught Sunday School .
I kept living . In the midst of all that pain and tears , I kept living . To her , that showed strength . What else is there for me to do , but to keep living ? Should I have broken down and curled up in a corner crying out why ? You honestly think I haven't done that ? But when it's over , the cancer is still there . Sooner or later , we need to confront it and embrace it . We need to get up and keep on living .
Don't we all deal in the same way ? When we are in our weakest moment , don't we find our strength ? Don't we look back on those times and wonder how in the world did we endure ?
We all can be brave , or warriors or strong . It is within us and when we are faced with our trials , we can endure . What I found within myself , we all have . That's one of the reasons I ask for prayers from all of you to give me strength and endurance . Let's not forget , also courage to face my trials .
Would you pray for me or your friends and family who are enduring ? Pray for yourself that you can endure future trials .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Somehow , we came upon the subject of my cancer . I asked her why do people keep calling me a " warrior " or " brave " or "strong" ? I have always found this perplexing because in writing this blog , I have completely exposed myself to all of you . You have been there , especially the last time , witnessing my tears .. . . my weak moments . How does that signify strength ?
Because in all of that , you still got up and taught Sunday School .
I kept living . In the midst of all that pain and tears , I kept living . To her , that showed strength . What else is there for me to do , but to keep living ? Should I have broken down and curled up in a corner crying out why ? You honestly think I haven't done that ? But when it's over , the cancer is still there . Sooner or later , we need to confront it and embrace it . We need to get up and keep on living .
Don't we all deal in the same way ? When we are in our weakest moment , don't we find our strength ? Don't we look back on those times and wonder how in the world did we endure ?
We all can be brave , or warriors or strong . It is within us and when we are faced with our trials , we can endure . What I found within myself , we all have . That's one of the reasons I ask for prayers from all of you to give me strength and endurance . Let's not forget , also courage to face my trials .
Would you pray for me or your friends and family who are enduring ? Pray for yourself that you can endure future trials .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Saying Goodbye
When my son died at the age of 5 months , I had to say goodbye to his things . So one day , I locked myself in the nursery and packed away everything . Each item I held in my hands , I replayed a memory in my mind . I can still remember holding up a garment of his and inhaling his scent . That. . . . . was many , many years ago .
Sitting on the carpeted floor of my bedroom , I opened a drawer filled with scarves . These scarves have been a huge part of my life . For a long time now , they have spelled out who I am and what I was going through . I thought I would never get rid of them .
With my empty cardboard box ready , I packed each one feeling the textures beneath my fingers . The colors and beautiful designs that so many people passed on to me with love . I thought of the different ways I have worn my scarves so I could look stylish instead of looking like I have cancer and sickly .
Why am I packing them away , especially now when my cancer has come back ? I want to give them away . I thought about this long and hard . Just as I changed this blog title , I need to change my outlook towards this disease . I don't want to live cancer for the second , or third or fourth time . I need to accept it as part of my life . Cancer is part of my lifestyle .
So , just as I packed my son's belongings and gave them away , I will do the same with these scarves that mean so much to me . I haven't forgotten the memory of my son and in time , I have come to accept that stage of my life . It's time now , to do the same with this cancer .
I didn't want to throw them out since they are so special to me . I have decided to donate them to Gilda's House . Maybe , some of those ladies can use them . They too , have ovarian cancer .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Sitting on the carpeted floor of my bedroom , I opened a drawer filled with scarves . These scarves have been a huge part of my life . For a long time now , they have spelled out who I am and what I was going through . I thought I would never get rid of them .
With my empty cardboard box ready , I packed each one feeling the textures beneath my fingers . The colors and beautiful designs that so many people passed on to me with love . I thought of the different ways I have worn my scarves so I could look stylish instead of looking like I have cancer and sickly .
Why am I packing them away , especially now when my cancer has come back ? I want to give them away . I thought about this long and hard . Just as I changed this blog title , I need to change my outlook towards this disease . I don't want to live cancer for the second , or third or fourth time . I need to accept it as part of my life . Cancer is part of my lifestyle .
So , just as I packed my son's belongings and gave them away , I will do the same with these scarves that mean so much to me . I haven't forgotten the memory of my son and in time , I have come to accept that stage of my life . It's time now , to do the same with this cancer .
I didn't want to throw them out since they are so special to me . I have decided to donate them to Gilda's House . Maybe , some of those ladies can use them . They too , have ovarian cancer .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Saturday, November 3, 2012
A Quiet Storm
The calm before the storm . . . . .that's how I've been feeling lately . I walk around carrying cancer on my shoulders and yet , I AM SO CALM . Why ? I am amazed how I feel nothing . As if nothing has happened . As if life hasn't changed . Why ? What has changed ? What is different this time ?
I can't answer any of these questions . All I know is the peace I feel . I am Truly okay . Everyday , there are messages from friends and family all expressing their well wishes for me and Emily . How are you feeling ? I am fine . Maybe , this is the quiet before the storm and one day , I will have a complete meltdown .
When I was at the doctor's , making arrangements , I felt at home . I know these nurses and they know me . A few came in to say hello because they just heard my cancer was back .
On my way home , I caught myself humming to a tune on the radio . Stopping , I realized I actually felt happy coming from the doctor's . Could this be joy ? How could I feel joy at a time like this ?
I think it's the relief that has been lifted from my shoulders . Before , there was all this worrying and uncertainty , expectation of the cancer returning . Maybe , deep down inside , I feel at home with my cancer . Maybe , the last time , I cried so much to prepare me for the now .Maybe , Jesus calmed the thunder , the lightening , the rain . . . .and . . . it became . . . . the quiet storm .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
I can't answer any of these questions . All I know is the peace I feel . I am Truly okay . Everyday , there are messages from friends and family all expressing their well wishes for me and Emily . How are you feeling ? I am fine . Maybe , this is the quiet before the storm and one day , I will have a complete meltdown .
When I was at the doctor's , making arrangements , I felt at home . I know these nurses and they know me . A few came in to say hello because they just heard my cancer was back .
On my way home , I caught myself humming to a tune on the radio . Stopping , I realized I actually felt happy coming from the doctor's . Could this be joy ? How could I feel joy at a time like this ?
I think it's the relief that has been lifted from my shoulders . Before , there was all this worrying and uncertainty , expectation of the cancer returning . Maybe , deep down inside , I feel at home with my cancer . Maybe , the last time , I cried so much to prepare me for the now .Maybe , Jesus calmed the thunder , the lightening , the rain . . . .and . . . it became . . . . the quiet storm .
Have a Blessed Week everyone .
Friday, November 2, 2012
In Preparation
Thinking back to the days of stocking up the shelves , I almost want to laugh out loud . Here I thought I was storing up for the winter , when in fact , I was storing up for chemo . God has been secretly preparing me for what was to come .
There is alot to do . I guess , there is a benefit to going through this again and again . You definitely know what to expect and what to prepare for .
Having spent the last few days preparing the paperwork , I find that I still don't understand FMLA . Lord , I'm not sure if I can deal with these people again . This time around , I'm trying to avoid alot of these loopholes . I plan on working and taking off only a week for my chemo treatment .
My one concern is that my body won't be able to handle it as time goes and I will be extremely tired . Also , I will be given a new chemo and with that come additional side effects . Who knows if I will be able to handle all of it on top of working ? I need to prepare myself .
Today , we're finalizing the treatment dates . I still have to retake my mammogram since it came out abnormal . Plus , my flu shots and blood tests . And that's just my health issues .
There's still my cancer supplies I need to get like clorox wipes , saltines , anti-diahrrea pills etc . Getting my car winterized or serviced for any repairs . If there is anything that can be done to prevent my running around later , I'm getting it done .
Then there is my favorite . ...I clean out the apartment and get rid of things I don't need . Yes , it really is my fave . To me , it represents taking hold of my life and getting rid of the unwanted stuff out of it . It means I have control .
So let's get cracking !
There is alot to do . I guess , there is a benefit to going through this again and again . You definitely know what to expect and what to prepare for .
Having spent the last few days preparing the paperwork , I find that I still don't understand FMLA . Lord , I'm not sure if I can deal with these people again . This time around , I'm trying to avoid alot of these loopholes . I plan on working and taking off only a week for my chemo treatment .
My one concern is that my body won't be able to handle it as time goes and I will be extremely tired . Also , I will be given a new chemo and with that come additional side effects . Who knows if I will be able to handle all of it on top of working ? I need to prepare myself .
Today , we're finalizing the treatment dates . I still have to retake my mammogram since it came out abnormal . Plus , my flu shots and blood tests . And that's just my health issues .
There's still my cancer supplies I need to get like clorox wipes , saltines , anti-diahrrea pills etc . Getting my car winterized or serviced for any repairs . If there is anything that can be done to prevent my running around later , I'm getting it done .
Then there is my favorite . ...I clean out the apartment and get rid of things I don't need . Yes , it really is my fave . To me , it represents taking hold of my life and getting rid of the unwanted stuff out of it . It means I have control .
So let's get cracking !
Thursday, November 1, 2012
An Offering Was Made
Placing my offering into the basket at Church , I felt shame . I haven't been much of a giver this year . I've fallen back on my tithes for the first time in five years . I have nothing but excuses to offer . There were times where my tithe envelope would lay inside my purse , forgotten , because I became busy with the children . Not remembering until I came home and saw it inside my bag . Yes , I've fallen back on my tithes .
While writing my blog yesterday , something inside of me , told me to take that money I had in my wallet for that couch I never bought at that Estate Sale and place it in the offering at Church . There was no arguing or excuses , just obedience . The message was clear to me . Yes , I will place it in the offering plate .
It didn't matter that it may have been a bit of money to me , it just felt right to do so . I know with a certainty that I will get a couch . God will provide that opportunity and it might be even better than what I imagined .
I can't even believe , that I , have fallen like that . It just shows you that no one is exempt from falling , but just as I fell , I can get back up again .
Have A Blessed Week everyone .
While writing my blog yesterday , something inside of me , told me to take that money I had in my wallet for that couch I never bought at that Estate Sale and place it in the offering at Church . There was no arguing or excuses , just obedience . The message was clear to me . Yes , I will place it in the offering plate .
It didn't matter that it may have been a bit of money to me , it just felt right to do so . I know with a certainty that I will get a couch . God will provide that opportunity and it might be even better than what I imagined .
I can't even believe , that I , have fallen like that . It just shows you that no one is exempt from falling , but just as I fell , I can get back up again .
Have A Blessed Week everyone .
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