Death

                                                                     Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                                      everyday is a journey.



Unite, my roving thoughts, unite
In silence soft and sweet;
And thou, my soul, sit gently down
At thy great Sovereign's feet.
P. DODDRIDGE.

Death has been chasing me ever since that first diagnosis of cancer years ago. I thought I placed him in a dark crevice deep in the shadows of nowhere significant. Yet, he reappears over and over again, taunting me into submission.

 How am I to accept the finality of my life here? How do I accept that I am a mere speck to be washed away by the tears of my loved ones, soon forgotten in existence? How many have gone before me, whose names have become a forgotten thought echoing  from generation to generation?

Will anyone remember me?

I often wondered about my own death. What kind of funeral will my children have for me? Who will come to say all those nice things about me they never said when I was alive? In death, everyone will love me.

Death was something I dealt with long time ago or at least I thought I did. I've always knew it would come sometime much later in life . The fact that I have cancer meant nothing. I went to my treatments and decided to live in  the here and now. I took death and placed it on a shelf. Let it gather dust, I thought to myself, refusing to think about it.

From time to time, he would make a re-appearance, hoping to scare me. I'd pick him up and put him back on that shelf. I went to treatment for a re-occurrence two more times and tried to live my life as normally as I could not providing death with an afterthought.

Then Linda and Lora passed away within a few hours of each other. A few hours. Suddenly, that shelf seemed so very far away. I wasn't sure if I could reach it, let alone lift it. It was so heavy, bearing down on me more and more each day.

It wasn't the first deaths since my cancer. I've been to many funerals since then, but these were my cancer buddies. They were there from the beginning. We would try to encourage one another to keep on living. We went through treatment together, each and every time.

I remember my first meeting with Linda. It was the grand opening  of our neighborhood church and afterwards they held a meet and greet pizza. I sat down next to Linda, all because her head was bald underneath that cap just like mine. That's what I said to her.

" Are you wearing that cap for the same reason I am"?

It became a common joke between us, one that we would share with everyone within hearing. I had so many good times with Linda. She was my biggest fan, always praying for me. She sent me a calendar one year for Christmas and filled it with bible verses to encourage me. One of her favorites was 1Corinthians 2:9.

 "What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived" -- the things God has prepared for those who love him--"

She would always ask me, "What do you think we will see there , Lottie?"

" I don 't know , Linda, but whichever one of us goes first, we will let the other know, okay?"

Lora, she was the bravest of us three. She was ready, she wrote letters to all her children, her sisters, her aunts, there was no one she missed. She took advantage of her last months to prepare and take care of all she needed to, but she always was that kind of lady. She was strong, brave and knew her mind! She even shared the gospel of Jesus with as many as she could before dying. Even at her funeral, she did it her own way, there were baptisms and celebration.

These women shared a great deal of their life with a chronic illness with others and with one another. Sometimes, it only took a look to pass between us to know how the other was feeling. We knew, we simply knew what it took for us to live daily with cancer.

Now I am completely alone. They left, hand in hand together, within a few hours of each other. I could see them in my mind skipping and laughing as little girls, running up to meet our Lord right into Heaven. You see, Linda was afraid of dying so Lora took her with so she wouldn't be afraid.

I'm almost envious of the very thought.

Their death has brought so many bittersweet thoughts to my mind. I'm thinking of my own situation. Will my time be next? How will I leave this Earth? Will I have time to settle my affairs? So many things are rushing through  my brain as I anxiously try to sort out these feelings I'm experiencing.

Death is not an easy subject to discuss with anyone, let alone ourselves. I know that at times, we feel that we are ready to pass onto the next journey, but are we really? If we knew this was it, would we be so ready to go?

There is a bit of fear involved, fear of the unknown. Even as a Christian, it's not death that scares me, but the process. Will it hurt? Is it immediate, the passing from here to heaven? The letting go of completely and trusting of moving forward. Isn't this what we have been waiting for all of our lives?

What about the people we leave behind. Will they be okay? Will they find their way without us? How can I leave not knowing what will happen to them? I need assurance, we all need assurance that everything will be okay. That they will be okay without us holding the pieces. I think the letting go of  the here and everyone in it. . . that will be the hardest part.

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

I read that the other day and somehow, it eased my troubled mind. I want to imagine death as a glorious journey from one place to the next. As I take my last breath, I will step into that place I have never seen, yet I've felt it in my heart all this time. Take my hand and lead me from this dead life only to emerge whole and new in the Promised Land.

Have a blessed day everyone.

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