Throwback Thursday

The following story happens to be one of my favorite's. It's

 become a favorite, because of the struggle that it's really been. Every time I look in the mirror or see a picture of myself, I often wonder when I will recognize the woman staring back at me. Did the change really have to be so dramatic?

 Have a blessed day everyone.

 

Has Anyone Seen My Identity ?

   These past few days have been quite nice . Even though , some of my blogs might have seemed to be a little " depressing ", it still has been nice to have some quiet time to think . To reflect and regroup . You can find out alot about yourself .
   Years  ago , I would clean out my closets and drawers whenever I felt overwhelmed with life . It felt like I was cleaning up  and organizing my life . Well , it doesn't work this time . One of the reasons why I feel so disappointed in my cancer RETURNING is because I'm afraid of losing my identity .
   These past 4 years have not been easy for me . While everyone was extremely happy my cancer was in remission , I on the other hand , struggled emotionally with the aftermath of cancer . The person I saw in the MIRROR didn't resemble anyone I knew . The person on the inside definitely didn't match either . It really was a struggle to adjust to living .
    People were like , you can live your life now , but how can you do that after you just experienced the most dramatic event of your life . Let's not forget the limitations your body develops . You have become the dependent vs. the independent . Quite a life ADJUSTMENT .
   I was just getting used to the person I've become . Just ACCEPTING and actually liking who I have become . That really ticks me off . Who wants to do all that work again . Here we go . Who will I become now ?

Thinking Positive

Think positive. You have to think positive. Be positive.

Lord, how I detest hearing that phrase. People automatically assume since I have cancer that I'm emotionally fragile. Just my saying the word cancer to someone ends usually with a lecture on how I need to stay positive.

The fact that I can speak casually about cancer should tell others that I have dealt with that monster. It seems to be a taboo word for everyone except me.

Friends, I am fine regarding my illness. If I bring up my cancer with anyone, it's more to prepare myself for what is coming. I am trying to incorporate my disease into my lifestyle. I want to live as normally as possible. For that to happen, I will bring cancer into the conversation.

Besides, why are people so afraid of even saying that word? There is no power in the word alone. The power lies when we allow the word to take control over us. I decide how cancer will fit into my life. I have come way too far to allow cancer to run me.

So can I speak openly and freely about how this affects me? Can I discuss my plans with you without someone telling me to stay positive? Can I please cry when I need to?

Trust me, if something does creep up regarding my feelings towards cancer, I will deal with it, probably on these pages.

Friends, if I cry , it's only for a minute to let loose some emotion. If I voice it, it's just to let you know how I'm doing. It's not because I gave up. I will not ever give up.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Apron Strings Anyone?

My day has been pretty much spent thinking about my children, my adult children. Where will they be in the coming future? What will become of them ? Will they remain healthy? A better job? Marriage? Children?

 

These types of questions keep me up at night. As a parent of adult children, I find my role has definitely changed. No longer am I in control of their behavior nor their life. I cannot fix their mistakes as much as I may want to. It seems my commands have turned into
 " advice ".

 

  As a parent with stage three cancer, the concerns I may have regarding their lives takes on an urgency. My time here is limited and all parents want to leave this world knowing all is well with their babies.

 

So when do we stop being parents and become more like friends?

I should have asked that question long time ago. I am positive that in my children's mind, the apron strings have been cut. Why does it take the parents so much longer?

I guess that after so many years of being the leader shouldering all the responsibility, it is difficult to let go of the reins and become a backseat driver.

I'm always worried about the future when I won't be around. What will happen to them in their times of crisis? Of course, I'm acting like they can't do without me.

My son is married and I am less likely to worry about him, because of that fact. He has someone beside him to help endure the crisis. Whereas my daughter is still single and I worry more about her than her brother due to her status.

Ridiculous, right? It's only natural for parents to be more concerned with the welfare  of their daughters since little girls have always been portrayed as sensitive damsels. The boys are the strong ones who aren't allowed to cry.

Truth be told, my son has always been the sensitive, caring one and my daughter the one who never would be seen shedding a tear.

As a mother, I would love to see both my children settled into perfect, happy lives. Then I can move on, but how realistic is that?  The truth is that trials and storms of life are great character builders. Why would I deny my children that type of growth?

It's just so hard to cut those apron strings!

Have a Blessed day everyone.
 

Monday Prayers

Opening the card, I was surprised to see a familiar name staring up at me. It has been a few months  since I last spoke to Linda, let alone write about her.

Linda has not been doing well at all. Whereas I may have had the cancer return three times now, Linda's cancer never left from it's return the second time. She has had chemo nonstop now since 2011.

If you have followed my blog since 2011, Linda's name is very well-known to you. You may also be aware of how much she means to me. For the rest of you, allow me to introduce my fellow cancer friend Linda.

Linda and I met at church at the grand opening ceremony. The year was 2007 and both of us were newly diagnosed cancer patients out looking for a neighborhood church. After the service they held a pizza luncheon greet and meet. I sat down next to Linda and her husband asking her the now famous question, " Are you wearing a hat for the same reason as me?"

We've been friends ever since, ironically battling cancer at the same time each and every time. Many times I have written about her and if I was remiss, some of you would always ask how she is doing.

Linda is not doing well at all and needs your prayers. She has lost a lot of weight and has absolutely no appetite or taste buds to entice her due to her medications and chemo.

My worry is with her emotional state. We all have to deal with our mortality in our own time, especially when a chronic illness is present. It's not a pleasant thing to talk about, but I want Linda to find peace within her heart. She should never give up the fight. I will keep fighting until my last breath and she should do likewise.

So I am asking everyone to say a little prayer before you eat or before you go to sleep tonight for Linda and for her family. We all could use someone praying for us.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Taking In The Stillness

It's funny what we look forward to as we age. The simplier life becomes an important goal we strive to achieve. No more drama, no more anxiety, no more excess of any kind.

 

 I can distinctly remember a time in my youth where my nails were polished, I wore every stitch of makeup out there and my hair was the current style. These things mattered to me. So did the size of a home with top of the line furnishings. The american dream of being married, a housewife with many children afoot, and a very attentive husband who only had eyes for me.

 

Things have a way of not turning out the way we may want them to be for a reason. Nowadays, I'm happy just where I am.

Today, I spent the majority of my day in the Word of God. It's amazing how peacefully serene I felt all day. I listened to audios online to some of my favorite evangelists and I couldn't be happier, drinking coffee and crocheting.

Things have certainly changed, but I think for the better.

I look forward to these quiet times such as today. Life is so hectic that we forget to smile and take in the quiet around us. There is so much to learn in the stillness about each other, the people around us and the world.

So make the time to be still. Have a Blessed day everyone.

 

Redefining The Bucket List

Once during one of my bouts with cancer, I made a bucket list. Why not? It was a popular activity at that time. Everyone was making one whether it was a retiree list or a family summer one.

 

Remembering that list now, I can acknowledge that it was pretty lame. I believe I wanted to jump on the band wagon with everyone else without really thinking what exactly I wanted to do. Not giving it much thought, I made a list and forgot about it.

 

If I had to do it all over again, the list would be a lot different.

 

First, I would hop into an RV and travel the fifty states. I would begin in one area and come completely full circle. There would be no time frames or limits. Leisurely and peaceful would be the name of the game. I would sleep whenever I wanted to and drive from one spot to the next without an agenda. I want to see this beautiful country we live in.

 

Secondly, I would take a cabin somewhere on a lake surrounded by tall, luscious trees. A place where the sunsets are as  vividly  colorful as the sunrises. I would sit on a porch with my laptop and write my little heart out. Drink a glass of wine while taking in God's Glory all around me. In the evenings and the in-between times, I would watch all my favorite shows or movies while crocheting.

 

Thirdly, I want a spot all to myself somewhere in our place. It could be a nook or an old back porch. A spot where I can have my bookshelves overflowing, a large table to lay my crafts, a laptop and a comfy chair. Let's not forget the television. My crafty corner hideaway that can be as messy as I want it to be. No one will see. No one will be allowed in there. 

What is your bucket list for 2015? Is it more of the same, year after year? Or have you changed inside and your way of life has taken on a revamp? Whatever it may be, we all need dreams or goals to strive towards.

Have a blessed day everyone.

Turning Fifty

I often take a glance back on my life, analyzing roads I have travelled on. I am always questioning the end result. Maybe if I had done this or done that? Turning fifty has affected my emotional state of being.

In my youth, I have envisioned my life a little differently. Shouldn't I be in a much better place than I am now?

I guess that depends on what that place looks like. Like everyone else, I have dreams of that place. I've dreamt about it for years. I dreamt how it should look like and when it should have happened. I dreamt who would be there and the type of life I would lead.

Sometimes, our dreams can take over our reality. Suddenly life doesn't seem so grand anymore when we compare it to something that doesn't even exist. That's so happening to me right now.

I thought I would be living that dream already. Instead, it seems I'm finding fault with what I have now. I'm really a very blessed individual, so why am I knocking it?

So today at 9:00 a.m. I turned officially the big 50. My emotions are very mixed, as they should be at this stage of my life. Yet, I do realize how lucky I really am. I have two wonderful children moving forward with their lives. I have a job that pays my bills and I have a Savior who provides everything.

There are so many people out there who are lost in both body and mind. They have no clue where to go or no one to go with them. I am truly, truly Blessed. That dream ? It can wait or should I say, I can wait.

Have a blessed day everyone.

Throwback Thursday

It's funny how we don't realize what exactly we are going through or why until the storm is over. Then we can objectively analyze what has happened and why it needed to happen.

 

 I didn't realize at the time that I was dealing with the idea that I might die. The entry below reminds me of that time and the struggles that I faced.

 

Have a blessed day everyone.

 

Dark Shadows All Around Me

   My mood is a dark one . I feel that something has been chasing me ....a dark SHADOW ...something I can't quite pinpoint . It keeps following me around , taunting me , playing elusive games with me . Just when I think I can turn around fast enough to see what is behind me......I find IT is faster than me .
   Eversince , this past chemo , I've been feeling this dread . Never ,  have I ever felt so bad after a TREATMENT like now . I feel sick and exhausted......WEAK . I feel weak . I put on a big front , but honestly , I hate this . I'm tired of this road .
   Someone at the wedding yesterday , another CANCER SURVIVOR , made a remark how he is waiting for the cancer to return , because it will come . Maybe , this dark shadow , is that cancer . I will not be able to kill it , only subdue it . It will always be lurking in the shadows waiting to jump me . To overtake me . It's like living a life on the run . Who wants to live like  that ?
   Somehow I have to MAKE FRIENDS with it . Learn to accept it for what it is . But not right now . Now all I want is to live in my quite little place , not seeing anyone , not talking to anyone . Right now , I yearn for the quiet . I yearn for the fantasy ....

THE SHUT IN by:Nellie De Hearn

she lives a prisoner within

the four bare walls of her poor ROOM
in the bright world she walks no more
yet cheerfully ACCEPTS her doom
and holds that life is very sweet
as eager she looks and sees
the golden sunlight daily creep
into her room
and with it weaves
fantastic dreams of rosy hue
delightful things
in which she sees
the sparkling earth bedecked with dew
green hills and vales and stately trees
she lives a prisoner
and yet
she gets more out of life than we
who walks bowed down with care
and fret
for things we are too blind to see

A Winter Wonderland

I've been so engrossed in my work that I haven't noticed the snowstorm outside. Earlier, I noticed it had become a little forecast, but winter has a cloudy overcast so I thought nothing of it.

I glanced outside, amazed at the size of the snowflakes, the scene before me a winter wonderland. Everyone bundled up, covered from head to toe, barely their faces showing.

Oh, how I wish I could hibernate the season away like the bears snuggled deep inside their caves. 

Every morning, I awaken early to the sounds of children and adults getting ready for school and work. My body and mind don't want to leave the confines of my comfortable and warm bed. Instead, I snuggle deeper under the covers.

Winter has a depressing effect on me. There is no sunshine, the weather is cold, slushie and icy. I literally detest warming up my vehicle, scraping and scraping the windshield. My fingers numb as I wait for the car to warm up appropriately. The car also doesn't like winter weather as it reacts negatively by not running well.

Everything one does takes longer in the winter. Longer to warm up the car and longer to drive anywhere. It requires more clothes, more laundry and longer to both dress and undress. A drudge of slush brought in from the outside creates a mess within our humble abodes. Salt lines my hallway rug leaving a never ending cleanup duty.

A strong desire envelopes my being on a daily basis as I struggle  with the urge to call in a sick day. Every single day I will myself to get up and go into work. Once there, another struggle ensues as I will myself to actually stay there.

I dislike winter.

Yet, there are times while sitting in my comfy chair, I watch the snow descending upon the street leaving everything in it's wake a beautiful whiteness. All the tree branches swaddled in a brand new coat of snow, hiding their nakedness.

It's so beautiful and so peaceful. Nature in it's awesome beauty forever spellbinding. Winter always looks great from the inside.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Celebrating You

Chris Sernel

Go where you are celebrated - not tolerated. If they can't see the real value of you, it's time for a new start.

I actually read the above verse on Facebook on  one of my friends page. I don't even know this person who made this quote, but I love it. In fact, we all love it, but do we have the guts to do something about it?

I believe we all have something in our lives that we wish we could change for the better. We pray about it, dream about it and wish upon a star on it. It is a goal that may seem very far off for majority of us. Someday, someday we will live it.

I know quite a few friends who have packed everything up and gone on to live out there dreams. I'm in awe of these people. How brave! How bold! How I wish I was more like them.

I often think about moving on just as the quote implies. Do I stay or do I go ? That is a question that has been haunting me these past few years. I've finally gave myself a deadline in re-assessing my goals for the future. I believe 2015 will be the year where I make that decision once and for all.

As of now, I am leaning more on one side than the other, because things have not been great. So I keep asking myself, if that is the case, why am I here?

I think that's a great question, but I also have to remind myself not to base decisions when I'm in an emotional state. I want to make the right decision based on sound reasoning, not my own personal feelings. I do understand that things can change drastically from day to day depending on how I feel.

Take two of my friends who have taken the plunge and moved away. One is very happy with her decision, the other wishes she had stayed. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

That alone holds me back from making that move. What if I make a wrong decision? I feel that if this is what I am intended on doing, then everything will fall into place like dominoes.
 
The last thing I want to do is force a decision before one is presented to me from God. Waiting is definitely difficult, especially when it involves something very dear to our hearts.

I have a feeling all of you will be hearing on this subject throughout the year. Poor you.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

An Emotional Time

It certainly has been a very emotionally charged and tiring last few days. My weekend flew by in a flash. The family planned an early surprise 50th birthday party which coincided right in the middle of my Crocheting Ministry Meeting. We went from one event to the next.

I had such a wonderful time at both. It was nice to play catch up conversation wise with many of my family members. Everyone is growing into the next stage of their life quite nicely.

Upon leaving for my party, Emily developed a toothache. Her wisdom tooth has been acting up here and there and we've been postponing the inevitable.

The remainder of the weekend was spent in trying to ease her pain as much as I could. I've tried everything from cloves to onion  and nothing worked. The lowest point came at about 4:20 a.m. where I was awakened by Emily sobbing in her own room.

There is nothing more heart wrenching than watching your own child in pain and there is nothing you can do to ease her pain. I just kept stroking her hair and speaking softly to her, wishing the clock to move faster.

Our dentist saw her immediately upon opening her office. I was so grateful for her tenderness and loving bedside manner. She saw her before a scheduled appointment. It's moments like these that I am grateful for making a wise decision in choosing her as our primary dentist.

By the time we dropped off the prescription at the pharmacists and came home, it was already 11:40 a.m. Not much time left to make her something to eat ( soup ), pick up her prescription, make her comfortable as possible and go to work.

I was so drained both emotionally and physically since there wasn't much of sleeping in the last 48 hours. I couldn't stop yawning, my muscles aching, all I wanted was my bed.

 I haven't done much of anything in the past few days. There has been no writing of any kind due to internet connection and this current situation, let alone anything to do with my Ministry.

Life can really throw us a curve and we have to be able to bounce back as soon as we can. Even though I have so much more to tell you and do, I am grateful for these few  precious moments where I can write.

Have a blessed day everyone.

Stealing Our Joy

I am amazed and I should not be, how easily people and situations just love to steal our joy. The minute I made the declaration of trying to improve my attitude toward work, things go wrong almost on purpose trying to steer me off course.

Not only am I having problems at work with my computer, but it seems here at home as well. This bad weather is affecting my connection. Hence, there have been missing posts here.

I have realized that whenever we seek a new path or try to work towards a new goal, the devil will try to throw things at you to sway us away from our purpose. He does not want us to succeed. I'm trying to remind myself of that fact, since I have been up tossing and turning all night going over the previous days events.

Otherwise, our fast is going very well. We're thinking of all the goodies we can't have, but we're staying true to our goal. We have had minor setbacks attempting to make us fail, but we've handled it.

Yesterday, I got up very early ready to start the day. I had writing on my mind, my fingers itching to get under way. I setup the laptop, checked my e-mails and jotted down a few ideas for future literary projects. The smell of freshly brewed coffee filled the apartment and I went to get a cup. Upon returning, my face fell as there were no bars on my internet. I had no connection.

Normally, I would have given birth to a cow, but instead, I turned on the television and grabbed some crocheting that needed to be finished. It never came on again until after I left for work, but I learned to relax and deal with it. In that process, I finished a shawl and a baby blanket.

Going into work, there were more problems, but not once did I lose my cool, nor did I grind my teeth. I have noticed that last year I began grinding my teeth.

It's a new year, folks. There is always someone that wants to steal whatever happiness or joy we may have in our lives. It's time to put a stop that nonsense!

Have a Blessed day everyone.

A Cold Monday

One of my favorite shows happens to be Alaska: The Last Frontier. I love that show, because their way of homesteading reminds me of my childhood in Poland.

There are times that I may daydream of living like that one day, but I know it is only a daydream. There is no way that I could handle eight months of below zero temperatures, let alone all the hard work of homesteading.

I have realized that even though I may miss the old ways of doing things, I don't want to work hard labor anymore. I'm not sure if that's the next level of generation gap that I have entered or if simply I'm too lazy.

I'm becoming very self-centered in focusing only on my pleasures, hence my crocheting and writing. Don't bother me about anything else, especially in the wintertime.

I've also noticed that I'm more tired and less active during this season. The days are so much shorter with barely any sunshine, mostly cloudy skies. It is very tempting to call off  work and stay in reclining with my feet up doing nothing, but crocheting or watching old movies as the snow falls.

This is a new year with a new attitude regarding work. From the inside, the outside looks very inviting with snow covered cars, trees and streets. The sun shining brightly signifying late morning, but deep inside we know it's cold out there.

It's Monday and a long week awaits, especially since the Holidays are officially over. It's back to work and already we are mentally searching when the next vacation day will happen.

We groan with disgust as the weather forecast for the week pops up during a news cast. So bundle up, scrape off the ice and snow off our cars, we're heading off to work. A new year begins. Winter is definitely here.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

A Love Of Writing

When I began this blog, I never realized how much I would love writing. The more I write, the more I want to challenge myself. I've been working on a special project (that will be revealed at a later date) which has taken me away from this blog.

I have tried to do both, only to find my focus has been more on the project rather than an even split. Something new I'm excited about, I guess. Still, I'm trying.

My goal for this year is to relax more and writing happens to be one of my vices. What is the other? Crocheting, of course! So instead of running around trying to get as much done as possible, my plan is to do the opposite. The less stress I have, the easier my work life will be.

 At least, that's my plan. Whether it works or not, we shall see. Working on my attitude regarding work is very important to me. I really don't want another repeat of last year and neither do you. I think you've heard enough of my whining to last you awhile.

Besides, this year I will turn fifty! Quite a milestone, since I've battled cancer three times already. I think it's time I've started enjoying life a little more. A little writing , a little crocheting , all with a little glass of red wine.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

First Day Back

Going back to work after the Holidays is no fun at all. If anything, it's probably the hardest thing to do, but this is a new year with a new attitude. Unfortunately, my day didn't exactly start well.

The minute I stepped outside my apartment into the parking lot, I noticed one of my tires were pretty low. Remembering I have a can of flat tire fix in the car, I proceeded to attempt in pumping some air, only to discover the can was frozen.

That's okay, plan B.

 Driving very slowly to the gas station around the corner, I pulled into the air/vacuum station. Ended up wasting a whole dollar on the vacuum instead of the air. Yes, really!

After filling up with air, I got into my car, already a little pressed for time. The car wouldn't start! In fact, I had no power of any kind. I began calling everyone I knew that was home. No one answered. Yes, really!

Suddenly, a car pulled up in front of me, wanting to use the air/vacuum station. I motion to him that my vehicle is out of order. He responds with blaring his horn, his hands flaying around wildly in gestures better left unsaid.

Then a miracle occurred. My dashboard lit up! I tried the ignition and praise the Lord, the car roared to life!

Speeding all the way to work, I tried calling someone at work to let them know I'm on my way and could someone please get the staffing ready for my shift?

I lost track of how many mistakes I've made at work, one after another. Technically, it really wasn't such a good night, but somehow, I handled it quite well. During the whole time, I never lost my sense of humor or my sense of self-worth.

We all have bad days and we all make mistakes. We just need to forgive ourselves and move on so tomorrow we can do this all over again.

Keep loving yourself. Keep loving. . . period. Have a Blessed day everyone.

Throwback Thursday

As the Holidays come to an end and tomorrow will mark the first day back to reality, I felt that it was time for me to do the same. I have been absent in the month of December more than I care to admit to. 

The New Year marks a new beginning and a whole new set of goals, especially for Emily and myself. Today our fast begins for this month. 

We all could use a little encouragement so what better way than to start with more God moments. Have a blessed day everyone.

More God Moments

    These God Moments seemed to touch a chord in people . I open my e-mail and its full of INSPIRATIONAL STORIES and songs . Even at the Wedding on Sunday , I was given inspirational stories that were found in a magazine . Obviously , people want to HOPE . So once again .....more God Moments.


MONTCLARE

I have have a bad week and decided to lean on the Lord and YOUTUBE for Hope.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Y1wtgLAytA&feature=related

I found myself playing this one again and again. This may not be what you had in mind, but this is how I dealt with my pain and found relief.

Hallelujah Jesus SAVES

MELROSE PARK

In 2005 Nite Life CAFE was New Life Melrose saturday nite service. Being a SINGLE MOM I was there anxious, fretting over the troubles that the next week would bring. While there.....I shook someones hand - there was a Twenty in it. A friend showed up with some clothes for me - (we had been trying to meet up for months)  Another friend went fishing, and shared what she caught, with some other food also. Another sister handed my popcorn balls - we laughed since we hadn't had any since we were kids :)  Before I  left that nite another dear friend called and invited us for dinner after church. 

    Yahweh Yireh    Praise Your Name  This has been a constant reminder that I am the APPLE of His eye, and to cast all my cares upon God.  O how He loves us, O how He loves!!

MONTCLARE

just one more

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNeZIcYl3qY&feature=related