Strong As A Bull

She's strong as a bull .

People have made that comment pertaining to me , from childhood until I was stricken with cancer at the age of 42 . You see , I have always been the strong one in the family , both physically and mentally . 

There are people who freeze or become emotional during trials or hardships . I react . I may spend a day crying in despair , but I will get up . I will rise and face whatever comes my way . 

Then why can't I accept the way things are now ? Is it the waiting ? Has the hurt gone too deep ? Perhaps a tinge of jealousy ? A little bit of anger thrown in ? 

I believe it has to do with my age and how I deal with things at this stage of my life . I dislike conflict and all that goes with it . If I could sweep it under the rug and runaway from it , I would . Yet , conflict is everywhere . 

We overcome one hurdle , another rises up to challenge us . Our life is a constant learning process where we can grow as individuals spiritually , mentally and physically . What was so vitally important to us five years ago seems totally pointless now . 

Take my weight , for instance , I'm slowly accepting my shape and learning to love myself . On certain days , it doesn't even matter .  In the past , I've wanted to be married , now I could care less . We change and so do our priorities . 

My biggest challenge now is my desire to move elsewhere , closer to my son , perhaps starting a new career . It's something that seems so far out of reach right now . My frustrations are starting to show affecting all areas of my life . 

Am I still the strong bull ? Unfortunately no , it has been a very long time since I have been referred as that . I think the cancer has taken that away from me and it should . 

Physically , my body is definitely not what it used to be . Mentally , I have been knocked down a peg or two , realizing I have quite a lot to work on . Spiritually , I certainly have grown . 

So I may have changed quite a lot since then , but at least , I like who I am on the inside . 

Have a Blessed day everyone .