I Have To Go To Work

                                          Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.


I have to go to work!

If I had to choose one phrase of the year, that would be it. I have found myself repeating that same phrase every single time I had a doctor appointment. Doctors run on a different schedule than the rest of us. I hope my sister-in-law forgives me for saying that (she's a doctor), but the medical field does run on different time than ours. 

I can remember one instance where I complained to my oncologist about my leg pain. Now, why did I do such a thing, I have no idea. I should have known she would run all sorts of tests. She sends me down for a Doppler ultrasound. I, of course, protest that there is no time. I have to go to work!

Oh, Ms. Krol, there is no need to worry. You won't have to wait at all. It's all arranged, just go to Room blah blah, they're waiting for you. It won't take any time at all.

Of course, when I get there I end up waiting and waiting and waiting. In my mind, I'm screaming I have to go to work! What is wrong with these people? I fill out paperwork. I sit and wait. I undress and put on a gown. And all this time the clock is tick ticking away, eating up all the minutes. The test itself took a good 45 minutes in duration. 

Let me tell you, I was a hot mess before, during and after that ultrasound. I was so worried about being late for work. All I could think about is how much I miss working overnight. I never had to take a vacation day to see a doctor. I didn't worry about the length of every visit. I sat from one waiting room to the next, crocheting and smiling the entire time. I had time. 

Even now, during the Christmas Season, I picked my brain on how I can improve on the scheduling of appointments. Do I spend another year using up majority of my vacation days for doctors? The last thing I want to do is use up two of my vacation days right off in January, but I might not have any choice. Life is about choices, isn't it? Majority of these choices are not exactly favored by us, but they are necessary.

Have a blessed day everyone. 

The Beast Within

                                         Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.


Why do funerals bring out the worst in people? We'd like to think we would behave better, but would we? Do we? Or is it the preparations of a funeral that bring out the worst in us? Each family member trying their very best in honoring the deceased and in  believing they know what kind of funeral would reflect the personality. That's why it is important to tell your loved ones of your wishes beforehand. It's not morbid, it's smart. 

I've been to all types of funerals ranging from huge events to just family members. Some are filled with baptisms and with long lines of testimonies of remembrance of the deceased. Others more solitary with hardly any visitors at all. The size of the funeral doesn't mean anything at all. What does matter to me is whether the person was loved or not. Or rather, how much.

Yet, there is another side to funerals. The one where regular, sane relatives let loose a beast from within when a family member passes. Suddenly, these same people who have shown love to one another will bicker over the type of songs to play at the funeral. Or spend time arguing over who shall do what and when. I used to say that it wouldn't happen with me. We get along here, my brothers and I. 

Really?

I think that we can be extremely naive when it comes to basic human nature. We look at other people's situations and claim to never behave in that manner, but we all know the truth. We can and will act that way. And when it's over, we will feel horrible or make excuses for it. 

You see, I believe we have real good intentions. We want the arrangements to be the best, but most of all, we want to be secretly acknowledged by the person who passed. It is a final testament to who you were to that person. If the relationship was great, that need for approval isn't required or needed. When it's the opposite, it is a hurtful longing, full of emptiness that might never be filled. That beast will emerge and finally be heard. 

Death is painful when it should be beautiful. That only can happen if we are spiritually ready for the next journey in our life. Are you ready? Are all of your relationships healed? Do you have all your ducks in a row? If not, don't ever think you have plenty of time for that later, because you don't. Why not make that transition of yours as painless as possible for the people we leave behind. 

Have a blessed day everyone. 

Random Thoughts

                                         Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.


With grateful hearts the past we own;
  The future, all to us unknown,
  We to Thy guardian care commit,
  And peaceful leave before Thy feet.
P. DODDRIDGE.

As the New Year unfolds, I've read and heard various accounts from people proclaiming their goals for the year. Some of them have been so profound, so eye opening and heartfelt that I'm a little ashamed of not really having a major goal for mine. I'm not being sarcastic at all. I only wish I thought of half of these goals myself. I love to see that people are truly thinking about working on themselves and on their relationships with others.

On a lighter note. . . when we moved here, I quickly assumed in my mental brain wave that we should be saving quite a bit of money. Not in the sense of paying less rent, but in all other small expenses. I assumed we would save on gasoline since I live so close to work, which we are and other small things like that. What I didn't account for was the cost of electricity. 

We have no natural light here at all. We came from large picturesque windows ( some length of the entire wall) to quite the opposite. We rarely used lighting except night-time and our small lamps sufficed just right. It's a different matter here altogether, one I didn't anticipate. It doesn't help that it's Winter and we lose light pretty early, but I find myself turning off the lights throughout the apartment. I've become my father. 

Our daily routine has changed quite a bit since we moved here. This past week, I have been on the internet changing our addresses, making new logins and on and on. One can find me on-line more looking up where the nearest oil change place is located or even something minor like a mail box. So basically we have no routine yet, we're just glued to our computers for now. It's funny how depended we are on our devices, but it's also so much easier. 

This is the first Winter in a very long time, where I'm actually cold. I've already reported that my menopause must be over, because I'm freezing all the time. The problem is that I have maybe four long sleeve tops and none of them are sweaters. I can't believe I want a sweater. Hilarious. Poor Emily must think I'm nuts. First, I go around for like ten years complaining how hot it is and now I'm walking around complaining how cold it is in this place. Hello Erma Bombeck. Goodbye sanity.

Have a blessed day everyone. 

The New MInistry

                                          Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

What am I to accomplish here?
Where am I with God?
Chip Ingram

Deciding how to revamp my Ministry really was more difficult than I or anyone else could have possibly imagined. Everything centered on one detail: location. Would the ladies follow me wherever I went?

In the last three years, I've had all types of ladies come through this Ministry. The young, the old and the in-between. I had quite a few who only wanted to learn how to crochet, some who moved away, some who gave up and some who just stopped coming. Through it all, a couple of them have stayed on loyal and true. Those are the ones that I want to keep and please the most.

Since our move, the question of the Ministry came to mind. We are living farther away from all the ladies. The thought of only having a three hour gathering not very satisfying for anyone willing to come out this way. I've been thinking on how I can make this work better for everyone involved. 

Of course, like all things in life, the answer didn't come easy. Every time, I thought of a new solution that might work, just as quickly it was dismantled. I have learned some things: 1) I will never be able to please everyone. 2) Sometimes, we have to make tough decisions. 3) Nothing lasts forever. So I have come to a decision that for now, we shall be meeting every two months and in a public place until further notice.

I have made that decision based on the fact that I want to start a chronic illness group. I have no idea what that will look like nor how that will happen. All I know is that God has placed it on my heart ever since radiation. I believe there is a great need and I want to fill that need. Please pray for me, because I have no idea how any of this will work. 

I do not see myself dismantling the Crocheting Ministry in any way. This Ministry has brought so much Joy to me and has played a huge part in my healing on this journey. There is always a way, we just have to be open to it.

Have a blessed day everyone. 

A New Place

                                      Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                     everyday is a journey.                                      You may not have been
physically anointed, but 
your service is no less 
sacred.
Joshua Ryan Butler

When we first talked about moving, we never expected to be placed where we are now. In our minds, our new place was completely in a different location and looked nothing similar to the one we've chosen. Originally, we wanted to go somewhere quiet among the peaceful sanctity of birds, trees and nature. We wanted to leave behind the hustle bustle of city life. It didn't quite happen that way.

We are deep in the suburb surrounded completely by trees and birds. Among all the beauty are plenty of people. Apartment building after apartment building line up the street. No matter how hard I try to get away from them away, I just can't. It is something that is built in within us. We are born with a natural desire to gravitate toward others. 

In all this mastery of buildings, one rarely sees any people. It's ironic, really. Our past place sat on a corner lot surrounded by residential homes, but it was one of the noisiest places ever. Here all these people cloistered in one spot and it's been pretty darn quiet. I've yet to see any of my new neighbors, let alone meet them. It is what we wanted, isn't it? The quiet?

Then why do I catch myself frequently peeking out the living room window hoping to see someone? Anyone? Could it possibly be that I'm looking for people? Can a place be too quiet?

If I close my eyes, I can see distinctly how our life will look like living here. I can see it perfectly, but when I open them, it's not as evident. Isn't it just like us to want instant blessings? We don't want to wait or work for that goal to come to fruition. We want it now. 

The hallway has a peculiar smell of muskiness, people and variety of foods. I've cleaned and vacuumed the stairs and it's still hanging in the air. Yet, I really like it here.

The windows were drafty and plastic covers them now, but I really like it here. 

The place is so imperfect, but I really like it here. 

Have a blessed day everyone. 

The Pain Of It All

                                  Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.


There's another language
that I think is universal.
The language of pain.
We don't like to hear it's 
message, but it certainly 
speaks loud and clear
when it comes.
Skip Heitzig

Isn't that the truth? I mean, who doesn't hate pain? Just the anticipation of what is coming can be enough to send us hiding under the covers at the mere thought of it. I think we carry around a lot of pain. Pain from divorce. Pain from losing a child. Pain from betrayal of a friend. Pain from an illness. Pain is universal, not having a preference of race, religion or gender. None of us are exempt from it's sting. 

Yet, some of us handle pain better than others. Why is that? Some would argue that it all depends if we have been sheltered in life or not. Some people experience more setbacks than others where they become more accustomed to the pain of life in general. That is what a majority of people believe. 

I, also believe, that there are times that our emotions play a major role in pain control. When we are down, don't we feel every ache more than usual? Aren't we in a blah kind of mood where everything seems magnified? I'm not making light of pain. I know what pain feels like, what I can endure and the levels of pain. Some I quiver in fear whenever they come to mind. Believe me, I know pain. 

I also know that there are many people out there who are in constant pain and they have learned to adapt to the different levels. The weather outside affects me and so does the type of mood I am in. The cold, rainy and damp Season brings out the pain in my legs even more. Sometimes I think I can feel it before it actually does happen. If it's cloudy, so is my mood and the same happens with my body. 

Pain makes us aware of our own vulnerability, just how fragile we truly can be. None of us have any desire to feel inadequately incapable of managing our own bodies. We feel our dependency on others and how much we need each other. 

Yes, pain has a language of it's own. A language that doesn't require usage of words. It's all written on our faces!

Have a blessed day everyone. 

The Year Ahead

                                                   Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                    everyday is a journey.

Love and Pain
Make their own measure of all things that be.
No clock's slow ticking marks their deathless strain;
The life they own is not the life we see;
Love's single moment is eternity.

--Thomas W. Higginson.

As the old year departs, a new one enters bringing hope, renewal and change. Are we ready for it? I know I am. Believe me, I am always ready to let go of the past, willing to move forward. 

Every year, we choose a theme for the year for us to work towards as a family. Since this past year was a bit of a struggle, I'm contemplating a little more relaxed one. For some reason, I don't want to plan anything, I just want to be. 

We are a goal driven society. Lord knows, I'm one of these people who thrives on order and organization, but I want a break from all of it. I have enough projects started to keep me busy for a few years down the road. I won't be bored without a major goal for 2017. 

There are times that I feel my brain overwhelmed by all that is going on around me. I take on project after project, goal after goal so I can feel accomplished, productive and needed. Sometimes, we can become lost in the process of too much of anything in our lives. We forget to breathe, to inhale the simplicity of joyous life. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to miss that. And I definitely want to bask in it. 

So no, I don't think I will be making ant New Year's resolutions or 2017 goals. I just want to relax, develop closer relationships with the people I care about,  find God everywhere and enjoy this marvelous creation of His we call Earth. 

Have a Blessed day everyone.