Give Yourself Permission

 

                              Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

Without an end or bound

    Thy life lies all outspread in light;
      Our lives feel Thy life all around,
    Making our weakness strong,

 our darkness bright;
  Yet is it neither wilderness nor sea,
  But the calm gladness of a full eternity.
F. W. FABER.

Do you know the worst thing people do after cancer? They try to forget about it. They don't want to think about it or talk about it. They are afraid to even mention that word cancer. It's over so let's forget it ever happened. 

They forget the most important part of healing. They need to process what just happened to them. Giving yourself permission to feel can hurt. It's raw, painful and we just don't want to go there, but it's so necessary for our mental health.

My process happened pretty late with my 4th. bout with cancer. I literally experienced a mental breakdown as I looked on at all of my scars in a full length mirror. Everything was exposed and one could have played connect the dots. My scars are not pretty lines, but jagged and wide. My body went through a lot and it showed. 

Somehow, I led myself to believe that I was done with my healing process. Somehow, I thought I did all that with the other bouts with cancer. Yes, somehow, but it all was a lie.

We pick ourselves up and we continue on with a positive outlook. We may have crying spells that we cannot explain, but as long as we are positive we will survive. We consider ourselves lucky to be alive. That's the lies we tell ourselves. 

Well, I'm here to tell you to give yourself permission to throw a fit. Yell, scream, throw things. Let it all out. We need to process our hurts. We need to acknowledge the pain it has caused and only then can we move on. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not going to make unless you are POSITIVE. I used to hate that word especially whenever people would point out that I shouldn't cry. Well, go ahead and cry. Then pick yourself up and live life.

Have a blessed day everyone. 

Life

 

                                 Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey. 

Bringing something of heaven down to me.

 Love is kind and patient and forgiving

 even when people don't deserve it,

Anon.

Almost overnight the weather changed from nice Autumn breezes to blistering cold winds. One could hear the howling of the arrival of that shift. It echoed through the night, pushing it's way violently and unapologetically through the alleys on our streets. It definitely came early this year without any regard if we were ready for it or not. Just like life.

I literally shivered as I listened to that howling wind. One could feel that achingly, cold that is waiting for us once we leave the warm sanctuary of our home. A shiver that reverberates throughout our body. Ugh! Brr! Winter is only bearable from the inside out and not being right smack in the middle of it outside. 

We can watch the snowflakes fall, the icicles form on the branches and declare the beauty. We can do all that from the inside. From the inside, everything looks good, even the leper shivering in the cold. We can say how sorry we are and pray for him to find warmth, but we will not open that door to let him in. That leper can contaminate our beauty. Our sanctuary. But that's life.

Life can be pretty cold and disheartening at times. It can chill and harden our hearts to the beauty that lies outside our comfort zone. We can distance ourselves justifying our lack of empathy to just about anything under the Sun. There is always a reason, an excuse why we can't allow people into the inside sanctuary of our home. Our hearts. Our life.

I shiver again, feeling the drafty crevices around me. Yes, Winter is definitely sneaking in whether we like it or not. So barren, so lifeless. So unrelentingly cold and uninviting. But again, that's so like life.

Have a blessed day everyone.

All Scattering, Scattering

 

                         Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

We take with solemn thankfulness

  Our burden up, nor ask it less,
  And count it joy that even we
  May suffer, serve, or wait for Thee,
    Whose will be done!
J. G. WHITTIER.

I love Fall with it's changing of the foliage all different shades of reds, yellows, browns. A real welcoming sight in all it's glory. Soon we have forgotten all about the Summer, the long days a mere memory, tucked away on a shelf somewhere in a dark corner.

That's life. 

I read somewhere once that people have a memory of gratitude that only lasts 3 months. I believe that's true. One could live out a good portion of their life leading a decent life and one slip, one fall into the abyss. Well, we forget about that decent life lived and only remember the fall. 

Why do we do that? Why do we cast aside the people who have fallen? We do not know how to minister to them. Instead, we wash our hands not wanting to be tainted by what they have done. We preach redemption. We preach forgiveness. We preach as long as it is from the safety of our pews. 

People come and go, just as the leaves fall, scattered on the ground for the wind to pick up. Where will they go? How far will they scatter? What ground will they disintegrate into dust?

There are reasons why we are at any given point in time. Sometimes, that reason does not become clear until a new journey begins. All topsy curvy, all out of bounds in sanity and sense. The old leaves just keep scattering and scattering finding a place to rest. Blowing from place to place looking for that final home. 

Have a blessed day everyone. 

Bringing Back The Creativity

 

                               Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

Lord, with what courage and delight

    I do each thing,
  When Thy least breath sustains my wing!
    I shine and move
    Like those above,
    And, with much gladness
    Quitting sadness,
  Make me fair days of every night.
H. VAUGHAN.

One can't rush the creative mind. I wish I could say that my mind was full of fresh and new ideas. Truth is, I struggled for almost two years to write anything on paper. I would stare at the blank page willing for something to come forth. What do they call this? Ah yes, writer's block. A dry spell. Losing our mojo. 

I was devastated by the dry spell I've experienced these last couple of years. I would try to figure out the why. Have I written all there was about  my life with cancer? Did the last bout with cancer, the mental trauma of radiation, affect the writing? Was I done, washed up as a writer? Maybe the lack of time?

It could have been one or all of the above. It really doesn't matter. The result was the same . . . . . I couldn't write. Lord knows I have tried to find what may have been the problem and fix it. Sometimes, there is no reason. Sometimes, we just need a rest. Perhaps, that's what happened here.

Creativity doesn't just happen, it smolders, it churns until it's ready to be shown. It all boils down to a process within us, all the life's experiences that happen to us. Art really does reflect life. When we have struggles or joys, creativity flows, because we are emitting all sorts of emotions. Emotions that need to be processed and expressed, hence the written word.

I have felt a deep need to write again probably more than ever before. It's been a long time and my soul misses it dearly. Crocheting and writing has always been my refuge in times of chaos. In this world, there is plenty of it and sometimes we become engulfed in it. It's time to declutter that chaos in my life.

Have a blessed day everyone. 

Simply The Little Things

                            Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

 Deep-rooted customs, 

though wrong,

 are not easily altered; 

but it is the

duty of all to be firm in that

 which they certainly know

 is right for them.
JOHN WOOLMAN.

Have you ever had a day where nothing really worked out for you the entire day? A day where you walked into work to a huge pile that should have been done by the person before you. Or you come home to a sink filled with dishes and the laundry overflowing. You make yourself a cup of coffee only to discover you ran out of creamer.

Sometimes, it feels as if we are constantly running on empty with a perpetual dark cloud over our heads. It's difficult to be appreciative when we are dumped on by the universe. In fact, it's difficult to even see the good, because all we see are the things gone wrong.

The Joy is in the little things.

One hears that all the time, but do we really understand what it means? The little things. When a hard day or week is lived out, what brings you relief? The comfort of taking off one's shoes upon arriving at home. The peace and sanctity of our home. A cuddle from your furry friend. A cup of tea to calm the nerves. How about that drive thru on the way home? A nice hot shower and a good nights sleep. 

All of these things are priceless when we are bone tired and weary minded. There is truly Joy in the little things. Where would we be without them? I was reminded of these simple Joys this very day as I headed off to the salon for a much needed haircut. As I sat there I could feel the stress of the day wash away while she combed, cut and practically massaged my head. I closed my eyes and realized how soothing something so simple  felt. I left feeling somehow renewed and refreshed with a new haircut. 

I left smiling and happy. Was it Joy that I was feeling?

I think sometimes we need to be reminded of all the simple pleasures around us that cost practically nothing, but time. Time for us to literally stop and bask in them. To acknowledge they even exist. Don't rush by on  Monday morning looking for that Friday. Take a moment to appreciate where you are at and enjoy the simple things in life. 

Have a blessed day everyone. 

Living Life After Cancer

  

      Everyday is a grand new day, everyday is a journey. 

And, as the path of duty is made plain,

  May grace be given that I may walk therein,
    Not like the hireling, for his selfish gain,
  With backward glances and reluctant tread,
  Making a merit of his coward dread,--
    But, cheerful, in the light around me thrown,
    Walking as one to pleasant service led;
    Doing God's will as if it were my own,
  Yet trusting not in mine, but in His strength alone!
J.G. WHITTIER.

So you're all done with your treatment, what now?

I have seen more broken people after cancer than during. You may find that strange, but just think about it. First, you are diagnosed and majority of the time, decisions are made almost immediately about what to do next. At least, health-wise. Then there is the surgery where something is removed like a breast or uterus or ovary or both. For some, chemo or radiation follows. Then we are pronounced in remission and sent on our merry way to enjoy the rest of our life. All of that can last 3 to 6 months of our life.

When did you have time to process any of that? 

Usually, we are still back there in the doctor's office hearing the dreaded word cancer. Everyone is rejoicing at our kicking cancer's butt except us. In our minds we are like what just happened?

The next several months, I believe are the worst. We look in the mirror and see someone different. We are not familiar with this person. Sometimes, our appearance has changed and we struggle with it. Internally, we are forever changed. Everyone is telling us how we should feel lucky to be alive, but somehow, we just can't. 

What is happening here?

This moment here involves speaking through your feelings. Many should go into counseling, join a cancer group or even start a journal. Record and share your experience, in another words process. We have to relive it, experience it and accept it. Accept it. This happened to me and it sucks. It was painful and unfair and traumatic, but you got through it! 

Remember that! You got through it and now you are stronger for it. Give yourself some grace. It will take time, a lot more than you think so be patient with yourself. It's okay, because healing (all healing) takes time. Breathe in, breathe out. One day at a time. Next thing you know a few months have gone by and you realize there have been days where everything seemed just right. Give yourself some grace and absorb all you can. You'll be okay so go out there and live your life . . . again.

Have a blessed day everyone.

Setting Goals Post Cancer

                            Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.   

 In the bitter waves of woe,

    Beaten and tossed about
  By the sullen winds that blow
    From the desolate shores of doubt,
  Where the anchors that faith has cast
    Are dragging in the gale,
  I am quietly holding fast
    To the things that cannot fail.
WASHINGTON GLADDEN.

How important are goals in your life? There was a time where there were nothing, but goals in mine. I had the monthly goals, the next year goals and even a five year plan goal. Do they help you in achieving them?

 I often wonder that point, because to me, mine were more like dreams. I would not only set them, but dream about them quite regularly. I had these scenes playing out my version of how they would be achieved. Very funny now, because somehow, it never quite happened in that fashion. All of that dreaming helped ease the waiting. 

Cancer sort of put a stop to planning anything. I couldn't even see the month ahead, that's how uncertain things were back then. Either I was in remission or coming out of remission and these two played a huge part in my lack of setting goals. Reaching 50 was something I couldn't even imagine and when that happened, I was at a loss at what to do next. 

At that point, goals have come to a bittersweet end. When life is uncertain, goals can become extinct and living each day as it comes becomes the norm. We evaluate the things that are so important to us. Of all the goals we have spent our life making, it's all the minor ones that mean so much. 

It's that relationship that never flourished or the sunset one never saw. A favorite movie we meant to watch and a trip that never began at all. What's important to you?

It's been 14 years since that faithful day in May of 2007. My goals or lack of them have changed as I entered one season after another. I have seen many of my friends and acquaintances pass on. That experience changes a person and how they look at life. I don't ever want to forget where I was in May of 2007 or even before. If we are honest with ourselves, the time before our illness was not exactly pleasant. I bet there were many issues that may have left you feeling bitter, angry and disappointed. Then your health faltered and chronic illness entered your life crippling you in many ways. 

Do I set goals? Yes and no. I dream of certain things, because I am a very hopeful person. I dream of living in a Tiny House one day, but it's okay if I don't. I dream of traveling through the fifty states, but I will be fine without it. 

My goals are more of a daily thing now. I want to make sure I live gratefully for each and every day. I want to make sure I appreciate all the little things that are done for me. I want relationships with people. More importantly, I never want to forget what God has done in my life. That's what I strive for when I get up and it's not always easy. Some days, it can be extremely difficult and I even fail at times, but I never give up trying. 

Have a blessed day everyone.