Driving home after work in the early morning hours , I decided to make a short stop for an errand . It was short and sweet , the way I like it since I felt anxious to get to bed after a tiring night . I hopped back into my vehicle . . . . turned the key . . . . . and nothing happened .
That incident paved the way for the rest of my day and it got worse with each passing hour . One thing after another fell apart like a set of dominoes tipping over , my heart sinking with each event . As my stress levels rose , so did my blood pressure . It's times like these that I wish I was married or in a committed relationship .
It's so much easier to carry the load when there are two people lifting . When one is down , the other takes over . I have watched my married friends leave all the stressful things up to their husbands and never worry about their cars breaking down or washing them . Their computers are working perfectly and all assembly of shelves / coffee tables are finished without any mishap . When that wayward child doesn't want to listen , you can yell out , " Go see your
father ".
Being single with cancer is no different . Many a times , I wish there was someone to rub my back or my feet when I'm feeling down or to take me to the hospital . I wouldn't have to worry about the financial aspect of it since there would be another paycheck coming in . I certainly never imagined I would be going through cancer , let alone .
When things are going great and there aren't any worries , I never even give marriage a thought . The minute things start going downhill , I regret not having a hubby .
It seems as I age , I don't tolerate things as much . Don't want any hassles , I just want to live in peace .
So here I am , stressing out with my latest predicament . I retreat into my quiet zone until the storm passes , hoping it won't turn into a tornado . :)
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Friday, September 6, 2013
What's In A Name ?
Growing up with an unusual name hasn't been easy . All during my childhood , I wanted to be an Anne or a Mary or a Susan , anything but a Lottie . I felt like I was the only one who had that name in the whole wide world . It wasn't until I became an adult that I found out just how wrong I was .
My dad named me . It seems that both my parents had their choice of a name picked out and couldn't agree . After my birth , my mom was sleeping and dad took the opportunity to fill out the necessary paperwork without her knowing . It was a huge shock to her when she found out what he did upon waking .
When I was little and we lived in Poland , my mom couldn't bring herself to call me by my given name . Her choice would have been Elizabeth , so when we were alone , that's what she called me .
You see , Lottie is the name I have here in this country , but in Poland , my name is Wladyslawa the female version of my dad's . When we came here , they Americanized my name and I became Lottie . Mom loved it and from that day on , she always called me by it .
It's funny how much emphasis we give to a name . Parents-to-be pour over name meanings so their child will be smarter , more popular and more beautiful than any other . Nowadays , the more unusual the better . I should have been born now . I would have fit in at school much better than I did .
Now , I look back and wonder what all the fuzz was about regarding my name . I like who I am now , I'm forgiving myself for who I was and I'm going to love who I will become . I wonder if my parents saw all that when they named me ?
Have a Blessed day everyone .
My dad named me . It seems that both my parents had their choice of a name picked out and couldn't agree . After my birth , my mom was sleeping and dad took the opportunity to fill out the necessary paperwork without her knowing . It was a huge shock to her when she found out what he did upon waking .
When I was little and we lived in Poland , my mom couldn't bring herself to call me by my given name . Her choice would have been Elizabeth , so when we were alone , that's what she called me .
You see , Lottie is the name I have here in this country , but in Poland , my name is Wladyslawa the female version of my dad's . When we came here , they Americanized my name and I became Lottie . Mom loved it and from that day on , she always called me by it .
It's funny how much emphasis we give to a name . Parents-to-be pour over name meanings so their child will be smarter , more popular and more beautiful than any other . Nowadays , the more unusual the better . I should have been born now . I would have fit in at school much better than I did .
Now , I look back and wonder what all the fuzz was about regarding my name . I like who I am now , I'm forgiving myself for who I was and I'm going to love who I will become . I wonder if my parents saw all that when they named me ?
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Thought Conditioners
I am fat .
I am aging terribly , looking so old .
People will talk about me .
I am such a bad person .
How many of us have held such negative and demeaning thoughts about ourselves ? I know I have . I've spent a lifetime thinking of thoughts such as these , always putting my self - worth down the drain before anyone else could . I have used sarcasm and poked fun at myself for years , all because I didn't want people to be laughing at me , but with me .
I've always wondered why I allowed self - doubt and uncertainty to lurk behind the crevices of my soul and pop out at the latest opportunity . I know it's not from God and yet , I let it in and accept as fact . Over the years , they have become my best friends , settling in and getting comfy .
Now that my children are grown , I have seen the same behavior in them . Negative thoughts and feelings venture from their lips whenever life becomes hard . I hear it in their words , their voices and my heart sinks . Is this the legacy I've handed down to them ?
As the years passed , I pummeled myself with negativity , my children watched and absorbed every word and action to use themselves later on . Why did I not see this happening ? Is it too late for this cycle to stop ?
I wish I could take back all those comments . I've never realized the effect they would have not just on myself , but on my children . Why shouldn't they behave in the same manner ? Haven't I shown them that this is the norm ?
While I can't remove the past , I can change the future . No longer will my grandchildren hear negativity , but praise , praise and more praise . I will encourage and shout out loud how absolutely unique and beautiful they really are becoming .
Have a Blessed day everyone.
I am aging terribly , looking so old .
People will talk about me .
I am such a bad person .
How many of us have held such negative and demeaning thoughts about ourselves ? I know I have . I've spent a lifetime thinking of thoughts such as these , always putting my self - worth down the drain before anyone else could . I have used sarcasm and poked fun at myself for years , all because I didn't want people to be laughing at me , but with me .
I've always wondered why I allowed self - doubt and uncertainty to lurk behind the crevices of my soul and pop out at the latest opportunity . I know it's not from God and yet , I let it in and accept as fact . Over the years , they have become my best friends , settling in and getting comfy .
Now that my children are grown , I have seen the same behavior in them . Negative thoughts and feelings venture from their lips whenever life becomes hard . I hear it in their words , their voices and my heart sinks . Is this the legacy I've handed down to them ?
As the years passed , I pummeled myself with negativity , my children watched and absorbed every word and action to use themselves later on . Why did I not see this happening ? Is it too late for this cycle to stop ?
I wish I could take back all those comments . I've never realized the effect they would have not just on myself , but on my children . Why shouldn't they behave in the same manner ? Haven't I shown them that this is the norm ?
While I can't remove the past , I can change the future . No longer will my grandchildren hear negativity , but praise , praise and more praise . I will encourage and shout out loud how absolutely unique and beautiful they really are becoming .
Have a Blessed day everyone.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
The Worst Days
I am a lover of sunshine , open windows and breezy days . I look forward to three seasons out of the four : spring , summer and fall . Considering all of that , it really has come as a surprise to me to discover my new found feelings regarding this matter . . . . feelings of bittersweet disgust . This has not been a good summer . Here's a list of my top seven worst complaints .
1. Chemo . This has been the first time I've ever had chemo treatment during the summer . In the past , I'd have my six chemo sessions and go into remission usually in the fall and winter time , but not any longer . If you are experiencing menopause , these treatments can make the hot flushes more intense .
2. Steroids . With every chemo treatment , a dosage of steroids serves as an accompaniment . Steroids help with the onslaught of side effects and are bearable to endure . Days of throwing up are far and few for a chemo patient nowadays . My body's reaction of hot flashes / red face are the downside to them .
3. Arthritis . My feet have always been affected by my treatment . Ask any cancer patient how their feet are doing and they will tell you stories about their knees , ankles and toes . All these hot / stormy temperatures have filled my poor feet with pressure and I have felt every aching joint .
4. Low A.C. at work . Since I work on third shift , everything gets turned down , especially the air . Talk about being hot during those 95 degree weather days ! It wouldn't be so bad if we didn't have to wear mandatory PPE's ( personal protection equipment ) such as hairnets , sleeves , long pants and a shoe that completely covers . Staying cool has become top priority .
5. Landlord . Since the building has been sold , I have developed mixed feelings regarding our new landlord . Honestly , I think he has taken on more than he can handle . Not only does he have a tuckpointing business , but two large unit buildings . If he has more , I don't know . There have been problems in some of the apartments , some minor and some not , it seems to take him awhile to get it done . Even when he is working on another unit , it somehow affects the rest of us . Right now , the washer is broken for over four days now and still hasn't been fixed all because he is on vacation . Maybe this is quite common for the rest of you , but not for me since a management group took care of us in the past .
6. Scheduling . Our schedule was jammed packed this summer . I felt like I was running behind on everything . This summer was difficult for us as a family not being able to see my grandkids as much as I would like . If they were free , we weren't and trying to orient our schedules to fit together didn't always work out . That's how it goes sometime s.
7. Open windows . I need an open window and I didn't feel that this summer I could do that . Since my hot flashes increased tremendously , I really needed the coolness of the fall weather .
This summer was very difficult for me to adjust . The temperatures , even though not sizzling , seemed as if my body was on fire . This journey of mine has taken me on a route I certainly didn't expect . Next summer ? I plan on being better prepared .
Have a Blessed day everyone .
1. Chemo . This has been the first time I've ever had chemo treatment during the summer . In the past , I'd have my six chemo sessions and go into remission usually in the fall and winter time , but not any longer . If you are experiencing menopause , these treatments can make the hot flushes more intense .
2. Steroids . With every chemo treatment , a dosage of steroids serves as an accompaniment . Steroids help with the onslaught of side effects and are bearable to endure . Days of throwing up are far and few for a chemo patient nowadays . My body's reaction of hot flashes / red face are the downside to them .
3. Arthritis . My feet have always been affected by my treatment . Ask any cancer patient how their feet are doing and they will tell you stories about their knees , ankles and toes . All these hot / stormy temperatures have filled my poor feet with pressure and I have felt every aching joint .
4. Low A.C. at work . Since I work on third shift , everything gets turned down , especially the air . Talk about being hot during those 95 degree weather days ! It wouldn't be so bad if we didn't have to wear mandatory PPE's ( personal protection equipment ) such as hairnets , sleeves , long pants and a shoe that completely covers . Staying cool has become top priority .
5. Landlord . Since the building has been sold , I have developed mixed feelings regarding our new landlord . Honestly , I think he has taken on more than he can handle . Not only does he have a tuckpointing business , but two large unit buildings . If he has more , I don't know . There have been problems in some of the apartments , some minor and some not , it seems to take him awhile to get it done . Even when he is working on another unit , it somehow affects the rest of us . Right now , the washer is broken for over four days now and still hasn't been fixed all because he is on vacation . Maybe this is quite common for the rest of you , but not for me since a management group took care of us in the past .
6. Scheduling . Our schedule was jammed packed this summer . I felt like I was running behind on everything . This summer was difficult for us as a family not being able to see my grandkids as much as I would like . If they were free , we weren't and trying to orient our schedules to fit together didn't always work out . That's how it goes sometime s.
7. Open windows . I need an open window and I didn't feel that this summer I could do that . Since my hot flashes increased tremendously , I really needed the coolness of the fall weather .
This summer was very difficult for me to adjust . The temperatures , even though not sizzling , seemed as if my body was on fire . This journey of mine has taken me on a route I certainly didn't expect . Next summer ? I plan on being better prepared .
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
The Four Battles
Recently , I read an article on the four battles of the single Christian . Now , I've been single for most of my life , so I consider myself an authority on being single . Since I expected the article to be misguided and misleading , I eagerly read on so I could point out all the mistakes in their characterization . To my surprise , I found them to be spot on .
Battle one : people always want to know why I never married .
Answer :
This is the 64, 000 question that has plagued me all of my single life . It's not that I don't wish to be married , but because I haven't found anyone worth marrying .
People marry for many reasons . To have a family and I already have children . For security and I 've taken care of myself financially all these years . For companionship and all they want to do is change me . Why even go out with me then ?
As a Christian , I expect two things from a man : To go to church with me and to love me as Christ loved the church . Do you have any idea how hard it is to find both ?
Battle two : Being solely responsible for my finances , my home , my stuff .
answer :
I believe , we all think we need someone to provide security financially , but in reality , we can do it alone if we have to . We can own a home ourselves , too , but in my case , maintaining a home was difficult . You need a man to fix things when they get broken unless you have large sums of money in your bank account to hire someone .
Even now , I find myself wishing at times that I was married , especially when I'm sick with chemo . If I was married , I wouldn't have to worry about working or money . I could jus concentrate on getting better .
Battle three : Making choices in my life alone .
answer :
Boy , is this true . Since I was a single parent , I really missed having someone to help raise these children . Two is always better than one . Parenting and making decisions are two of the hardest combinations when you're a single parent .
The children maybe all grownup , but it still would be nice for someone else to take charge sometimes .
Battle four : loneliness and discouragement
answer:
I have to admit that I handle this quite well . I fill my days on purpose so I can never say I'm bored or lonely . The times that I do , is when there is a party or event and you are the only one sitting at the dinner table without a partner . When a slow dance comes on and you have no mate to dance with .
As I get older and the fact that I'm sick with cancer , I often wish I wasn't as picky in my youth in choosing a mate . This way , I would have someone to drive me to the doctor's .
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Battle one : people always want to know why I never married .
Answer :
This is the 64, 000 question that has plagued me all of my single life . It's not that I don't wish to be married , but because I haven't found anyone worth marrying .
People marry for many reasons . To have a family and I already have children . For security and I 've taken care of myself financially all these years . For companionship and all they want to do is change me . Why even go out with me then ?
As a Christian , I expect two things from a man : To go to church with me and to love me as Christ loved the church . Do you have any idea how hard it is to find both ?
Battle two : Being solely responsible for my finances , my home , my stuff .
answer :
I believe , we all think we need someone to provide security financially , but in reality , we can do it alone if we have to . We can own a home ourselves , too , but in my case , maintaining a home was difficult . You need a man to fix things when they get broken unless you have large sums of money in your bank account to hire someone .
Even now , I find myself wishing at times that I was married , especially when I'm sick with chemo . If I was married , I wouldn't have to worry about working or money . I could jus concentrate on getting better .
Battle three : Making choices in my life alone .
answer :
Boy , is this true . Since I was a single parent , I really missed having someone to help raise these children . Two is always better than one . Parenting and making decisions are two of the hardest combinations when you're a single parent .
The children maybe all grownup , but it still would be nice for someone else to take charge sometimes .
Battle four : loneliness and discouragement
answer:
I have to admit that I handle this quite well . I fill my days on purpose so I can never say I'm bored or lonely . The times that I do , is when there is a party or event and you are the only one sitting at the dinner table without a partner . When a slow dance comes on and you have no mate to dance with .
As I get older and the fact that I'm sick with cancer , I often wish I wasn't as picky in my youth in choosing a mate . This way , I would have someone to drive me to the doctor's .
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Monday, September 2, 2013
Let's Worship
If you were to walk into my Church and sit beside me , you'd get an earful of me singing worship songs off-key . I don't have much of a singing voice , but every Sunday that I'm sitting in the pew , I sing loudly at the top of my lungs . There is a reason for that .
You see , I'm not much of an evangelist preaching the word on demand nor am I a prayer warrior that can speak ten minutes of praises before they even get to the prayer request .. . . . .
BUT
I will worship as loud and as long as I can . To me , worship is as important as the sermon . Every lyric is a heartbeat of my being . I sing each line as if it was praise to the Almighty , because that's what it is . . . . praise and worship of the King Most High .
I can't imagine , walking in late after the worship is done , because my Church experience wouldn't be complete . I feel like people really miss out on something special when they do that .
Many nights as I drive up to work , I'll turn on a good worship song , roll up the windows and belt out a tune . By the time I arrive to work , I'm completely relaxed and ready to face what lies ahead .
Emily said it best : When you're going through something in your life , those worship songs , every word takes on special meaning . Amen to that.
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Sunday, September 1, 2013
The Christian Life
Me : " So how does it feel being a Christian ? "
Emily : " Like I've always been a Christian , but didn't know it . It feels right , the way it should be ."
The first time I walked into a Christian service was at the age of nineteen as a guest of a fellow co-worker . It was unlike any
" church " I've ever been to before . It was in a hotel 's conference room and the preacher was screaming that there were sinners in the room . He could just feel it . There weren't any statues or a huge cross hanging anywhere . I thought this was a cult and couldn't wait to get the heck out of there .
I laugh whenever I recall that experience . Why was I so afraid ? Why was my heart so closed ? I wish I could provide you with an answer , but I don't have one .
Many times I have wondered what my life would have been like if I actually stayed and accepted Christ at the tender age of nineteen . What kind of life would I be living now ? It would have been much easier , that's for sure . At least for my children .
I have made so many mistakes in my life that I wish I could go back and change their outcome . The worst mistakes ? The ones that affected my children . As parents , the last thing we want to see , are the mistakes we made play out into their adult life . Yes , there are consequences and if we don't pay for them , our children definitely will .
Looking back , I feel like I have wasted my spiritual life's potential . Imagine all I could have done to serve others , but didn't , because I just didn't know how to open my heart to Christ's love .
During these past seven years , I have seen many fellow Christians leave one Church for another or fall away to their old life . Lord , I pray daily not to become one of them . Let me always remember where I came from and where I'm headed . That alone , will keep me on the right path living a Christian life .
Have a Blessed day everyone .
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