Flowers For Juwonn

  The day after my infusion , I always go back for my Nuelasta shot  so my white blood count  doesn't drop . Since this was my last infusion I wanted to thank my nurse for taking care of me .
    I love my nurse . In all of my 47 yrs . there was only one experience at a hospital that the nurses were awful  . Otherwise , nurses to me , are God's treasures . They are incredible people . All they have to put up with on a daily basis . They see pain , death and sick people every single day . Everyday . They treat you with patience , have a smile ready and shower you with kindness no matter how badly you feel . Or how badly you treat them .
   I wanted her to know how much I really appreciated all of her kindness to me .It is a very demanding profession that offers little appreciation . I think I made her day . After 6 months of taking care of you , you develop a relationship.....a friendship .
  I remember , when I was in the hospital in 2007 , I had this young nurse spend her break time visiting me . That's love . That's a special kind of person . After my 3rd surgery , another one sat by my bed and held my hand because  I was in so much pain . Nurses are God's treasures .
  I'm very tired today , which is very normal . Life still goes on  and doesn't care that I need some sleep . I have a few errands to run and I hope they go fast so I can get to bed . Hope you all have a great day and I'm sorry it's a short blog today .

A New Day

   We got up early this morning . Packed my chemo/doctor bag full of puzzles , yarn and snacks . Filled my car with gas , checked all my fluids in case the car wanted to act up on such an important day in my life . Picked up my tea and off we went to chemo .
   I thought this day would be very emotional but I was wrong . I didn't shed one tear . I was filled with such joy and happiness . I felt like singing happy songs  so  I flipped from one station to the next looking for happy , upbeat music .
  When I looked in the mirror this morning and saw my bloated , red face from the steroids I wasn't even upset . When I got on the scale at the doctors it didn't even faze me .In fact , this was the first time since September that my weight was just under 200lbs. Of Course , my nurse was all in a tizzy that I lost a few pounds . People relax , I'm fat . I can afford to lose a few pounds .
   As much as I hated to go to my treatments in the past . . . . . today....I skipped to my chemo . I can see the light at the end of the tunnel . Now the real journey can begin . My hair will be coming out soon .I can't wait to see what color it will be . I loved  my hair before . It came out darker like brown. It was thick and wavy . I feel excitement  , not despair . What will it be like now ?
   There is one more thing I want to do today if my body will let me . It used to be that the side effects would begin the very next day . The last two chemos they began the very same evening . I guess my body has gotten weaker as the treatment progressed . Today , I already started burping and belching during the infusion . My eyes are getting droopy and I'm feeling tired . My stomach started feeling queasy  and hot flushes raged through my body  . Well it looks like my farewell present came a bit early .
  My goal will have to be postponed until tomorrow . Right now , I'm off to bed . Until tomorrow . .. .. .

On The Eve Of .....

  Today is the eve of my last chemo . I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that . I do know I'm feeling very anxious and trying to keep myself very occupied as to not think about it . I didn't sleep all night instead I spent the night crocheting , gathering my tax info , cleaning out my drawers and closet , darning clothes  and everything else . I don't want to think about it .
   I know I will break down  and start crying . It will be a very emotional day for me and I can't even explain why . I find it frustrating that I'm so emotional all the time over everything . I should be jumping up for joy that it will be over real soon  and yet I'm not .
   I'm also very scared of taking the last chemo . I feel like it will be terrible and I don't know if I have the stamina for it . I'm scared of it . I only remember too well three weeks ago and how I felt  physically . Everyone is like , hooray you're done , but I'm not done . Everything is not going to be like it used to be . You can't go back and it's frustrating to me to hear people say that to me . I'm sorry . I'm so stressed and irritable . Please forgive me .

when we get to feeling jaded
by the problem that we face
and the world that we inhabit
seems a less than perfect place
there is a refuge waiting
we can find most anywhere
an antidote for sorrow
like a breath of rain washed air
this tiny
little miracle
is absolutely free
and finding it can change us
from the way we used to be
at just a moments notice
it can rearrange our world

Scarves And More Scarves

    I have a huge , huge drawer of headwear . In 2007 , I wore scarves 99 % of the time .That was my choice of headwear back then . When I went into remission , I decided to hold onto my scarves , even though I felt certain that I was done with cancer . I really did feel  that . That's why it was so hard for me to accept the fact it returned .
    I have no idea why I kept them . My friend Linda gave alot of hers away to other people.....me included . I didn't want to get rid of mine . Maybe , deep down inside I knew it would come back  . . ...way deep inside  .
    When it did , I was so angry , disappointed and disgusted . I told myself I was getting rid of these scarves . In fact , I hardly wore them at all . I used my shawls that I wrapped like a turban in different styles . Lately , I've been wearing hats . But I told myself , I was getting rid of these things once and for all . I planned on sending them to my cousins in Poland . I wasn't keeping them. Not this time .  So last night , I went through that drawer of scarves .
    With everyone I pulled out , a memory came back to me . It reminded me of when my boys died and I had to put away their clothes . I remember looking at every outfit . . . . smelling it for their scent . It was very difficult and time consuming .  It was just like that with those stupid scarves . And I can't get rid of them . I just can't . The memory here isn't a good one but it's who I am and where I've been  . I can wear them around my neck , tie back my hair and as shawls . I don't have to make them only  my cancer scarves .
     I realize that I only wanted to get rid of them because I thought of them as superstitious . That is silly . Throwing them out will not prevent the cancer from coming back . So . . . . .  .I folded them up and placed them back in the drawer . The End .
  

Best Laid Plans

 Back in high school , there were the four of us who hung out everyday . My girlfriends and I were very different from each other . Each of us had different views and plans for the future . I , myself , never planned on having children which is funny since I ended up with four .
  We sure had some plans for how we thought our lives would end up . After high school , we lost track of each other . One of them is living in Alaska , single ,  with a very important high up career  in nursing . Always thought of Karen as a stay at home mom and look where she ended up at . I guess God had different plans for her .   My life certainly ended up differently . Actually , nothing like I thought at all .
    Last night , A friend confided in  me her concerns for her daughter's future . Which brought on my thinking about when I was her age . I'm sure things looked alot different and I'm equally sure my mother had concerns about how I would end up . My own perception of how I thought I would live my life was nothing like what God had in store for me .
  If I had a crystal ball back then and could have seen my life up to now, I wouldn't have believed it . I might have not been able to handle it knowing what I would be going through . We learn as we go step by step finally ending up right where God wants us to be . No matter how many bad turns we make He steers us right to where we can shine the best .
   I'm glad for the road that God sent me on . I would have missed out on many beautiful adventures . As for the trials .... well ......I wouldn't be who I am now if I didn't experience them .

Reflections

  As I near the end of my treatment , I reflect on my journey  . It wasn't all bad . There were alot of good things that came out of it .
  For one thing , I was able to clean up my closets , drawers and  all the clutter that one clings to for dear life . All that hoarding I did in my life of things that have no absolute necessity . Just the papers alone filled two large garbage bags . Why ? Why , did I hold on to these things ? Not really sure , maybe for security or a need to feel like I have stuff . Things that are mine and only mine .
   The inner demons we all have , are not extinguished completely , but then , my journey is really not over .It's just one chapter closed while another begins . I did learn  to never stop growing spiritually . Never let me assume the education of my soul is complete .
   Another thing I've learned  is one must prepare  for situations in life . Last time , I stopped planning because I felt my future was uncertain so what is the point . I was holding my breath for almost five years . It's time to exhale and start living again  regardless of what the future brings . I might be back in a few months or not . I do need to prepare for the next time because these insane insurance , disability people cause more red tape than one can bear . Financially , I need to have a little nest egg so I won't stress .
  I also started on goals that I've always wanted to do but was scared or needed a push . Procastination is my 8th deadly sin !
   Basically , I  spent these months trying to clean up the mess of my life .There were alot of tears spent and probably alot more to come . Might even be some tonight .
    In a few days , my last chemo , I'm scared to death because the side effects have taken everything out of me .I'm not sure I can take it . Please pray for me everyone !

A State Of Mind

  February rolled around and I was ready for a change . I expected a change . In my mind , the past months of misery were over because a new month began . Of course , that's not what happened and I had another day of mishaps , errors  and just more of the same . I threw my hands up. When will this be over ?! I was so exhausted mentally yesterday that I fell alseep after supper and slept until this morning .
  Just then I remembered something I read the other day . How we need to turn things around in our minds . Don't look at all the bad . . .look at all the good things . Another fact , 80% of what we stress over and worry about doesn't even come true .
  I have a couple of friends who have reached that level of peace within themselves where they don't stress out and allow things to take over their lives . They trust God that much . I've been striving for that kind of level  and folks , it's not easy . Then , I remind myself that they have been working on that all of their lives and didn't achieve their peace overnight .
  I spoke to one of them last night and he reminded me not to focus on the bad part of yesterday . Forget that awful day . Name something good that happened and I did . That's what I have to do everyday. . . .  .remind myself of the good things that happened .
 Another thing people say to me that annoys the heck out of me ......You're almost done . I hate that line .Emily always says that hate is a strong word . Yes , it is .That's why I'm using it . That's like telling a person who is upset to calm down . You upset them even more . That's one of Emily's hated lines . She hates when I say that  , hahahaha...sorry . Have a Blessed day everyone !