White As A Snow

Looking out my bedroom window , all one could see is the freshly fallen snow covering everything in it's path . The clock reading 05:02 a.m. Not a soul around and the quiet so deafening , so very deafening I can hear my own thoughts resounding around my bedroom . Who knew , a few weeks before , that this snowstorm would come out of nowhere ? Certainly , not the groundhog that predicted early Spring .

Isn't it just like life ? Just when you think everything is honky dory , a storm arrives dead in the night while we sleep and messes up everything , filling everyone's day with delays .

Delays . . . .My next treatment fast approaching in a matter of one week . My 4th and probably the most important . This is where we check to make sure the chemo is working . Sooner or later , I will hear that it's not . What then ? It's not the dying that worries me , it's the enduring before the dying that scares me .

My , my , my . . .. . . my mind sure is wandering in all sorts of places today . Having spent another  FMLA day at home , resting up my healing body , my mind is all over the place . It must be all the reading I have been doing .

Workbooks do that to me , which is why I love Bible studies with homework . It really gets your mind going . . . thinking . . . . processing .

These past two days , I have discovered I'm not really as nice as I thought . I've been stuck on page 43 of my " Continuous Joy " workbook all day . I keep staring at this one paragraph , because I know . .. . I KNOW . . . it describes me and it pains me to think I have behaved in this manner .

Emotions were never meant to be bottled up inside . When we try to contain them ,the pressure builds . Too often , suppressed anger builds until it boils over in rash deeds and scalding words . The sadness we attempt to hide will lead to a storm of tears .

Rash deeds and scalding words . Yes , I am guilty of these things . Have I not been happy when my nemesis at work was in despair ?Have I not reciporcated with sarcasm and  words that held a  biting sting ? Am I  to blame for my joyless worklife ?

Yes ! I am no better than my nemesis . I'm not the victim as I believed myself to be . I am the enabler .  I really need to change my behavior instead of expecting them to change theirs .

The white in the  snow stained . .. . storm of tears  . . . rash deeds and scalding words . . . I want to be as white as the fallen snow outside my window . Help me become that , Lord .

Have a Blessed Day everyone .