Why am I so emotional ? It didn't start now , either , I have been this way from the minute I found out my cancer came back . I asked my friend Linda , why she cries all the time and she doesn't know either . I hate being this way , tearing up at every little thing .
I cry when I hear a song on the radio . I cry while watching a show or movie . I cry when I think of the past , the present and the future . I cry when people write me or speak to me . I cry in anger , in happiness and in sadness . I cry for no reason at all . I cry when I think about people who find issues with me . When they don't want to hear what I have to say . I cry when people are mean to me for no reason .
I cry in the car alot . In fact , I do alot of things while driving .I pray out loud . I talk out loud to myself . Yes , I'm nuts . Lately , I find myself crying and thinking alot while trying to go to sleep . The crying has invaded my sleep time . Sleep has been hard . Alot of tossing and turning .
We have a Polish tradition that on Christmas Eve , the way your day goes that's how the New Year will be . My Christmas has been very emotional . Some good , some bad , some sad , some happy but teary . I guess , I will be teary all year .
I will tell you , this Season , was wonderful . I have children who love me no matter what . I have great friends that support me during this illness . My family is there , all I have to do is whistle . My work associates have continously written or called me . Yet , I have spent buckets crying .My face is red not just from the steroids .
All my life , I've always held this work ethic that whatever was set in front of me , with hard work and patience , I could overcome it . Conquer it and move on to the next . How do I conquer this ? I thought I conquered it before . It just keeps coming back .Here , I 'm crying again .I have my faith . I have my God , but I don't want to keep fighting this over and over again . Oh , this is gonna be an emotional day .
Suffering brings us all to a place we didn't anticipate landing. And we all react differently when suffering is thrust upon us. We may think we know what we can handle, but, suffering and pain have a way of humbling us to levels we haven't know before. I think it makes me realize that no matter how many friends or relatives there are that love me, in the end, my life in the hands of God and God alone. Suffering in my life this past year has made me realize I will never have all the answers (I don't know why this happened to me). Nor, do I have a solution. It has brought me to my knees to seek the only One who does know the why. It has brought me closer to the only One who has the power to heal or not heal. Ant to trust deeply that He alone knows the why. He understands when I am alone in my bed and afraid for tomorrow. He is there. He weeps with me and with you, Lottie. He understands we are only human. We're the ones who have these super human expectations of ourselves. He just wants us to lean on Him. He has you. And He has me. No matter what.
ReplyDeleteMaureen