What a beautiful , sunny day it is !!! A warm , sunny New Year's Eve ! Who would have thought it possible . It's ironic that it should be like this . I dreaded this day coming like something awful . The holidays itself were very melancoly for me .
I am a person who likes organization and planning . Before cancer , my whole life was planned out . It has been quite an adjustment living by the seat of my pants , not having control . It is what I wanted , isnt't it ? I wanted to trust God completely with my life . Well , there it is . Be careful what you ask for .
This year , has started out so promising , so full of rainbows that for a minute I thought I was dreaming . This couldn't possibly be my life , right ? Alot of wonderful things happened to me this past year . My son got married and I gained a daughter-in-law and two beautiful grandchildren . I thank God for Marybeth Fisher sharing them with me .
As great as the beginning was , all the way up to August , it ended with tower after tower tumbling down . Everything I touched lay in ruins . Talk about being attacked ! Nothing worked . I know what is happening . My faith is very strong . Discouragement just right around the corner . I know I have to wait this out . What more could possibly happen ? I know I am not the one in charge . I can try to manipulate , to alter , to change anything I want but it won't work without HIS approval .
As this year comes to a close in just a few hours , I feel defeated and worn out . All I can do is give myself completely to Him . I can't make anything happen . I can't fix anything . I can only wait upon the Lord to show me where I'm to go .
I have no idea what will happen in 2012 . I'm not even sure if I can handle it . But I do know that everywhere I do go , it's where I'm supposed to be . Happy New Year Everyone .
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
Let's Laugh A Little
Hello Everyone ,
I have not been feeling well these past few days . Nothing new there . I'm sure I'm sounding like a stuck record . Originally , I was going to write a different story but considering how bleak these past few days have been , I'ld rather laugh instead . Tomorrow , we can cry together . Today , let's laugh instead to one of my favorite stories ever by the great Andy Rooney. Enjoy !!!
WHY OLDER CHICKS RULE by:Andy Rooney
I have not been feeling well these past few days . Nothing new there . I'm sure I'm sounding like a stuck record . Originally , I was going to write a different story but considering how bleak these past few days have been , I'ld rather laugh instead . Tomorrow , we can cry together . Today , let's laugh instead to one of my favorite stories ever by the great Andy Rooney. Enjoy !!!
WHY OLDER CHICKS RULE by:Andy Rooney
As I grow in age,I value women who are over 40 most of all.Here are just a few reasons why:A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,"what are you thinking?"She doesn't care what you think.If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game,she doesn't sit around whining about it.She does something she wants to do.And,it's usually something more interesting.A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,what she is,what she wants and from whom.Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you think about her or what she's doing.Women over 40 are dignified.They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.Of course,if you deserve it,they won't hesitate to shoot you,if they think they can get away with it.Older women are generous with praise,often undeserved.They know what its like to be unappreciated.A women over 40 has the self assurance to introduce you to her women friends.A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.Women get psychic as they age.You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.They always know.A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick.This is not true of younger women.Once you get past a wrinkle or two,a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.Older women are forthright and honest.They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk,if you are acting like one.You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.Yes,we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.Unfortunately,it's not reciprocal.For every stunning,smart,well-coiffed hot woman of 40+,there is a bald,paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress.Ladies, I apologize.For all those men who say,"why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,"here's an update for you.Now 80% of women are against marriage,why?Because women realize its not worth buying an entire pig,just to get a little sausage.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Words Of Wisdom
First of all , I want to thank everyone for all the kind words of encouragement and prayers that were sent my way yesterday . Yes , it was a very rough day , but I will get through it no matter how defeating I may sound .
I ' m on my way back to the clinic today for my 24 hr.Neulasta shot for my white blood cell count . I'm trying my very best to stay focused on other things in my life . I have plenty to keep me busy . The problem is that when we don't feel well it affects our energy levels and we do nothing but lay around and think of all the pain . I don't want to do that anymore .
Last night , I kept myself busy as best as I could . It helped alot . I have all these notes that I've made but never entered into a journal of some sorts . I spent the whole night working on it .
Re-reading alot of these very personal and revealing insights into life , I realized just how much of prayering I have done in my life . Alot of these prayers have come true . Another insight is how much I have grown and still need to grow . As I entered all of these private moments and thoughts into a journal for my children , I thought back to the day my son asked me what words of wisdom I wanted to share with him . That day was a day four years ago when things didn't look very promising regarding my health .
His question really startled me because at that moment I couldn't think of anything to say . He caught me offguard . I don't have all the right answers to what life is about . I don't have the great words of wisdom to live by . I do have my journals , my blogs , my memories and they are welcome to them . Hopefully , they can find some comforting words in there somewhere when the time comes . If any of you could leave words of wisdom for your children , what would these words be ?
I ' m on my way back to the clinic today for my 24 hr.Neulasta shot for my white blood cell count . I'm trying my very best to stay focused on other things in my life . I have plenty to keep me busy . The problem is that when we don't feel well it affects our energy levels and we do nothing but lay around and think of all the pain . I don't want to do that anymore .
Last night , I kept myself busy as best as I could . It helped alot . I have all these notes that I've made but never entered into a journal of some sorts . I spent the whole night working on it .
Re-reading alot of these very personal and revealing insights into life , I realized just how much of prayering I have done in my life . Alot of these prayers have come true . Another insight is how much I have grown and still need to grow . As I entered all of these private moments and thoughts into a journal for my children , I thought back to the day my son asked me what words of wisdom I wanted to share with him . That day was a day four years ago when things didn't look very promising regarding my health .
His question really startled me because at that moment I couldn't think of anything to say . He caught me offguard . I don't have all the right answers to what life is about . I don't have the great words of wisdom to live by . I do have my journals , my blogs , my memories and they are welcome to them . Hopefully , they can find some comforting words in there somewhere when the time comes . If any of you could leave words of wisdom for your children , what would these words be ?
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Grumpy Me
It was chemo day today . I have begun to hate chemo day . Don't get me wrong , the nurses and staff are wonderful . It's just me . I'm tired of it all .
I have to take these steroids for a couple of days before chemo . They give me a reaction . I turn beet red in the face and neck . It will wear off after a week . I swear it also bloats my face and my stomach . This morning , I was so bloated I couldn't fasten my pants . When we got there , I looked around and noone else has this problem . The waiting room was filled with normal looking people ........except me . I'm the only one with that darn red face . It is so embarrassing . Then the hot flashes . I was burning up . I felt like my face was on fire .
I sat there , taking in my infusion , bloated sky high . I felt like I would burst if I didn't burp soon . It's 7:30 pm and I'm still waiting to burp . Driving home , I could feel that metal taste in my mouth come a whole day early . Lucky me . Next , the good ole nausea , constipation , diahhrea and my favorite vomiting . It's gonna be a long night .
I can't take this any longer . Today , I felt like getting up and walking out and never coming back again . What is the point of all of this ? Six months ? A whole year ? How long until it comes back again ? I have another two months of this and I don't think I can handle it . I'm feeling very tired suddenly . I need to go lay down .
I have to take these steroids for a couple of days before chemo . They give me a reaction . I turn beet red in the face and neck . It will wear off after a week . I swear it also bloats my face and my stomach . This morning , I was so bloated I couldn't fasten my pants . When we got there , I looked around and noone else has this problem . The waiting room was filled with normal looking people ........except me . I'm the only one with that darn red face . It is so embarrassing . Then the hot flashes . I was burning up . I felt like my face was on fire .
I sat there , taking in my infusion , bloated sky high . I felt like I would burst if I didn't burp soon . It's 7:30 pm and I'm still waiting to burp . Driving home , I could feel that metal taste in my mouth come a whole day early . Lucky me . Next , the good ole nausea , constipation , diahhrea and my favorite vomiting . It's gonna be a long night .
I can't take this any longer . Today , I felt like getting up and walking out and never coming back again . What is the point of all of this ? Six months ? A whole year ? How long until it comes back again ? I have another two months of this and I don't think I can handle it . I'm feeling very tired suddenly . I need to go lay down .
Monday, December 26, 2011
Emotions , Emotions
Why am I so emotional ? It didn't start now , either , I have been this way from the minute I found out my cancer came back . I asked my friend Linda , why she cries all the time and she doesn't know either . I hate being this way , tearing up at every little thing .
I cry when I hear a song on the radio . I cry while watching a show or movie . I cry when I think of the past , the present and the future . I cry when people write me or speak to me . I cry in anger , in happiness and in sadness . I cry for no reason at all . I cry when I think about people who find issues with me . When they don't want to hear what I have to say . I cry when people are mean to me for no reason .
I cry in the car alot . In fact , I do alot of things while driving .I pray out loud . I talk out loud to myself . Yes , I'm nuts . Lately , I find myself crying and thinking alot while trying to go to sleep . The crying has invaded my sleep time . Sleep has been hard . Alot of tossing and turning .
We have a Polish tradition that on Christmas Eve , the way your day goes that's how the New Year will be . My Christmas has been very emotional . Some good , some bad , some sad , some happy but teary . I guess , I will be teary all year .
I will tell you , this Season , was wonderful . I have children who love me no matter what . I have great friends that support me during this illness . My family is there , all I have to do is whistle . My work associates have continously written or called me . Yet , I have spent buckets crying .My face is red not just from the steroids .
All my life , I've always held this work ethic that whatever was set in front of me , with hard work and patience , I could overcome it . Conquer it and move on to the next . How do I conquer this ? I thought I conquered it before . It just keeps coming back .Here , I 'm crying again .I have my faith . I have my God , but I don't want to keep fighting this over and over again . Oh , this is gonna be an emotional day .
I cry when I hear a song on the radio . I cry while watching a show or movie . I cry when I think of the past , the present and the future . I cry when people write me or speak to me . I cry in anger , in happiness and in sadness . I cry for no reason at all . I cry when I think about people who find issues with me . When they don't want to hear what I have to say . I cry when people are mean to me for no reason .
I cry in the car alot . In fact , I do alot of things while driving .I pray out loud . I talk out loud to myself . Yes , I'm nuts . Lately , I find myself crying and thinking alot while trying to go to sleep . The crying has invaded my sleep time . Sleep has been hard . Alot of tossing and turning .
We have a Polish tradition that on Christmas Eve , the way your day goes that's how the New Year will be . My Christmas has been very emotional . Some good , some bad , some sad , some happy but teary . I guess , I will be teary all year .
I will tell you , this Season , was wonderful . I have children who love me no matter what . I have great friends that support me during this illness . My family is there , all I have to do is whistle . My work associates have continously written or called me . Yet , I have spent buckets crying .My face is red not just from the steroids .
All my life , I've always held this work ethic that whatever was set in front of me , with hard work and patience , I could overcome it . Conquer it and move on to the next . How do I conquer this ? I thought I conquered it before . It just keeps coming back .Here , I 'm crying again .I have my faith . I have my God , but I don't want to keep fighting this over and over again . Oh , this is gonna be an emotional day .
Saturday, December 24, 2011
The Great Pretender
Wherever and whoever I meet all tell me the same thing .. . . . . how great I look . They love what I do with my scarves ; they love my positive , upbeat , sarcastic attitude ; they love my honesty . Little do these people know that I'm the great pretender . I only tell people 90 % of what I feel or what I'm going through .
Four years ago , there was a day where I just felt worn out . Felt like I couldn't handle another day in pain . At that time , one of my girlfriends called me to see how I was feeling . Well , I burst out crying and ended up telling her exactly how I felt . There are times where all the pain leaves you feeling like you should just die . In fact , you ask God to take you . That was my day back then .
For the next several hours , I had one phone call after the other from friends cheering me on and telling me how I should stay positive . Only way to beat this thing , Lottie . I found out later that my friend called all our mutual friends about my little breakdown . She thought I was suicidal and just gave up .
To this day , I never tell people really how I feel . I would never harm myself . I don't have the nerve nor am I that brave . I'm too scared of God and what He would do to me if I did . My point is that from that day forth I realized I really can't be too honest . People really mean well . They , too , are in pain right along with me and can't handle my disease . If I'm happy that signals to them everything is well . When I'm upset , well , you get the picture .
This month , this week especially , I have been not feeling well nor have I been very positive or upbeat . Sometimes , I think if these people only knew how fake I really am . I just don't want anyone to think that I'm on cloud nine . Sometimes you have to read between the lines . Remember .....I'm the great pretender .
Four years ago , there was a day where I just felt worn out . Felt like I couldn't handle another day in pain . At that time , one of my girlfriends called me to see how I was feeling . Well , I burst out crying and ended up telling her exactly how I felt . There are times where all the pain leaves you feeling like you should just die . In fact , you ask God to take you . That was my day back then .
For the next several hours , I had one phone call after the other from friends cheering me on and telling me how I should stay positive . Only way to beat this thing , Lottie . I found out later that my friend called all our mutual friends about my little breakdown . She thought I was suicidal and just gave up .
To this day , I never tell people really how I feel . I would never harm myself . I don't have the nerve nor am I that brave . I'm too scared of God and what He would do to me if I did . My point is that from that day forth I realized I really can't be too honest . People really mean well . They , too , are in pain right along with me and can't handle my disease . If I'm happy that signals to them everything is well . When I'm upset , well , you get the picture .
This month , this week especially , I have been not feeling well nor have I been very positive or upbeat . Sometimes , I think if these people only knew how fake I really am . I just don't want anyone to think that I'm on cloud nine . Sometimes you have to read between the lines . Remember .....I'm the great pretender .
Friday, December 23, 2011
My Family Tree
Since I had ovarian cancer at the age of 42 , my doctor felt it might be genetic and sent me to a doctor that specializes in that field . Sitting down with this young woman , we went over my family tree as far as I could remember . The women in my family live well into their 90's .. . . . . .except me . I won't live that long .
There was only one incident of a death from a " WOMEN'S PROBLEM " and that was my grandmother's sister who died at the age of 48 . No one else . As I listened to her explaining hereditary and genetics being different , I couldn't stop looking at that family tree . From my great aunt Emily to me , there is such a huge gap . How did I get so lucky ? How did she get it ?
Now , they tested me for the BRAC 1 and 2 gene . Since I have ovarian , I'm also susceptible to breast cancer . My risk has increased greatly more than the average woman . My cancer , or more directly , my results will greatly impact my family tree .
The only good thing out of this is that the next generation in my family tree will know the risks they carry and prepare themselves and their bodies . Knowledge is power . My daughter can , hopefully , use preventive medicine so she can avoid this from happening to her . Her actions can change the family tree .
There was only one incident of a death from a " WOMEN'S PROBLEM " and that was my grandmother's sister who died at the age of 48 . No one else . As I listened to her explaining hereditary and genetics being different , I couldn't stop looking at that family tree . From my great aunt Emily to me , there is such a huge gap . How did I get so lucky ? How did she get it ?
Now , they tested me for the BRAC 1 and 2 gene . Since I have ovarian , I'm also susceptible to breast cancer . My risk has increased greatly more than the average woman . My cancer , or more directly , my results will greatly impact my family tree .
The only good thing out of this is that the next generation in my family tree will know the risks they carry and prepare themselves and their bodies . Knowledge is power . My daughter can , hopefully , use preventive medicine so she can avoid this from happening to her . Her actions can change the family tree .
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
A Demon Came For A Visit
A demon came for a visit . I have no idea who invited her . She came the other morning when I woke up . . . .uninvited . She charged around my apartment mumbling @#$%^$#@!@$%% spilling coffee on her way out the door . Yes ! She went public . She blew her horn alot and splewed more !@#$%^&^@#@# out the window .
Emily looked on this demon with a narrowing of her eyes . She knows all about demons . She becomes one at least once a month .
Wearing her Christmas red and green plaid pajama pants , she stopped for gas and the car just died . Well , the mother of all demons came out then . It was like a scene from A Christmas Story with Ralphie's dad trying to fix the furnace . After much kicking and pulling on wires under the hood , the lights came on and off she went to spread her kind of joy around .
Back home again , slamming the door , of course . Looks in the mirror ....grrrr....you don't want to mess with this demon today . Plops on the bed and takes a nap .
Strange thing , though , when I woke up ...........she was gone.
Emily looked on this demon with a narrowing of her eyes . She knows all about demons . She becomes one at least once a month .
Wearing her Christmas red and green plaid pajama pants , she stopped for gas and the car just died . Well , the mother of all demons came out then . It was like a scene from A Christmas Story with Ralphie's dad trying to fix the furnace . After much kicking and pulling on wires under the hood , the lights came on and off she went to spread her kind of joy around .
Back home again , slamming the door , of course . Looks in the mirror ....grrrr....you don't want to mess with this demon today . Plops on the bed and takes a nap .
Strange thing , though , when I woke up ...........she was gone.
Monday, December 19, 2011
UPDATE
I've been out of commission for a couple of days very sick . IT started one night with vomiting and the shivers . I was so cold . I'm very familiar with these symptoms since I had this alot the last time (5 to be exact ) . It's an infection . I was on the brink of one and the only thing missing was a temperature .
I'm not sure if I caught something from someone or if it was part of my treatment side effect .I'm still not 100 % recovered . Right now I'm existing on bread , cabbage soup ,crackers , rice and tea . These foods seem to calm my stomache .
I do know I had to take a step back and analyze my situation . With my 4th round of chemo approaching next week , my worries fastened on maybe not being able to pass my white blood cell count and having to postpone the treatment .I definitely have to limit my exposure to people even more . The farther we get into the treatment the more difficult it is . Your body becomes weaker and weaker .
I haven't been writing these couple of days . All I really want is to sleep . Found myself last night , I'm ashamed to say , very agitated and irritable with my state of things . Very tired of these scarves and being bald . Another rash appeared on my head and I finally realized where it was coming from . It's from certainly one type of my scarves . I have alot of silky ones and they seem to be the culprit .
Another irritation lied with everyone 's happy mood when I'm so nauseated all the time . The bad or good part of it is that I supposedly look so good all the time . No one would suspect that I'm sick . Well , that's the update . Be back soon .
I'm not sure if I caught something from someone or if it was part of my treatment side effect .I'm still not 100 % recovered . Right now I'm existing on bread , cabbage soup ,crackers , rice and tea . These foods seem to calm my stomache .
I do know I had to take a step back and analyze my situation . With my 4th round of chemo approaching next week , my worries fastened on maybe not being able to pass my white blood cell count and having to postpone the treatment .I definitely have to limit my exposure to people even more . The farther we get into the treatment the more difficult it is . Your body becomes weaker and weaker .
I haven't been writing these couple of days . All I really want is to sleep . Found myself last night , I'm ashamed to say , very agitated and irritable with my state of things . Very tired of these scarves and being bald . Another rash appeared on my head and I finally realized where it was coming from . It's from certainly one type of my scarves . I have alot of silky ones and they seem to be the culprit .
Another irritation lied with everyone 's happy mood when I'm so nauseated all the time . The bad or good part of it is that I supposedly look so good all the time . No one would suspect that I'm sick . Well , that's the update . Be back soon .
Saturday, December 17, 2011
A Broken Record
A broken record means repeating something over and over again to the brink of insanity . What have I repeated ? I don't feel good . That has become my fave line . I have said it so often that I have grown to dislike that line .
I've noticed that my daughter even added this line to her dialogue . Right after I start saying it , she intervenes with her own list of medically inclined illnesses . She doesn't feel good , either .
I guess , my car also doesn 't feel good . Eversince I announced in September that my cancer returned , my car started breaking down . Not even two weeks go by without some sort of breakdown . Yesterday , the wheel started shaking while driving . Of course . The car doesn't feel good .
This morning , Diamond pranced over to Emily and started meowing . I"m sure it was about an ailment of some sort she was feeling . Why not ? I've created a broken record for this household to uphold .
Need to post a warning sign for anyone coming near in case they also develop a broken record of their own . BEWARE .....SOME WHINING MAY INCURR UPON ASKING ,"HOW ARE YOU FEELING ".
I've noticed that my daughter even added this line to her dialogue . Right after I start saying it , she intervenes with her own list of medically inclined illnesses . She doesn't feel good , either .
I guess , my car also doesn 't feel good . Eversince I announced in September that my cancer returned , my car started breaking down . Not even two weeks go by without some sort of breakdown . Yesterday , the wheel started shaking while driving . Of course . The car doesn't feel good .
This morning , Diamond pranced over to Emily and started meowing . I"m sure it was about an ailment of some sort she was feeling . Why not ? I've created a broken record for this household to uphold .
Need to post a warning sign for anyone coming near in case they also develop a broken record of their own . BEWARE .....SOME WHINING MAY INCURR UPON ASKING ,"HOW ARE YOU FEELING ".
Thursday, December 15, 2011
A Basket Of Yarn
A basket of yarn and a dream begins..........
Not too long ago , I wrote in this very blog about a dream I wanted to fulfill involving booties for St. Jude . This past weekend , I was presented with a basket of beautiful yarn to make that dream happen . it didn't take long for a crocheting frenzy to begin . That's what I've been on.....a crocheting frenzy .
Folks , something happened inside me when I saw that basket . A renewed hope has given birth . Whatever happens in my life , I will make that dream come true . If any of you would like to join me on this quest .....that would be great . I want to knit or crochet children's booties or slip on socks for the St. Judes Hospital.
Let's give ourselves a deadline . What time frame do you think it should be ? Six months ? A year ? How long ? How many do you think we can make if all of us participate ? Maybe , you don't know how to knit or crochet but would like to help .......donate some yarn instead . Get those knitting needles and crocheting hooks out !!!!
Not too long ago , I wrote in this very blog about a dream I wanted to fulfill involving booties for St. Jude . This past weekend , I was presented with a basket of beautiful yarn to make that dream happen . it didn't take long for a crocheting frenzy to begin . That's what I've been on.....a crocheting frenzy .
Folks , something happened inside me when I saw that basket . A renewed hope has given birth . Whatever happens in my life , I will make that dream come true . If any of you would like to join me on this quest .....that would be great . I want to knit or crochet children's booties or slip on socks for the St. Judes Hospital.
Let's give ourselves a deadline . What time frame do you think it should be ? Six months ? A year ? How long ? How many do you think we can make if all of us participate ? Maybe , you don't know how to knit or crochet but would like to help .......donate some yarn instead . Get those knitting needles and crocheting hooks out !!!!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Let Me Pick Your Brain
Let me pick your brain , please . I have been experiencing alot of side effects to my chemo and I have been handling it okay . Now that I'm right in the middle of my treatment , I have found the duration of the side effects to have lengthen . There are two of them , in particular , that I'm having a little problem with . .......my nausea and the taste of metal in my mouth .
I am looking to all of you for a suggestion as to how best combat these side effects . Crackers aren't doing it as well any longer . If anyone has any suggestions , I'm very open to try anything at this point .
I am looking to all of you for a suggestion as to how best combat these side effects . Crackers aren't doing it as well any longer . If anyone has any suggestions , I'm very open to try anything at this point .
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Revisiting The Past
Driving through my old neighborhood the other day , I decided to take a spin past where I used to live . Driving around the back and front of the house , I kept searching for any signs of my old life . To my dismay I couldn't find any .
Instead , I saw only the garage that needed repair and the window that had a crack . I saw the garden filled with weeds , all drab and unkept . The curtains weren't as pretty as the ones we used to have .
It was the same old house , yet nothing like I remembered it . Driving away , I thought to myself , why did I come back here for ? What did I hope to find ? Obviously , whatever I was looking for was no longer there . You really can't go back .
Driving home , I thought back to my earlier days with this blog . I remembered the disappointment I felt but was afraid to mention out loud . I don't feel like that anymore . Whatever I felt then stays in the past because I'm a different person now . That drab house with a cracked window no longer represents me . You c an't stop by for a visit . You can only drive past . You don't live there any longer .
Instead , I saw only the garage that needed repair and the window that had a crack . I saw the garden filled with weeds , all drab and unkept . The curtains weren't as pretty as the ones we used to have .
It was the same old house , yet nothing like I remembered it . Driving away , I thought to myself , why did I come back here for ? What did I hope to find ? Obviously , whatever I was looking for was no longer there . You really can't go back .
Driving home , I thought back to my earlier days with this blog . I remembered the disappointment I felt but was afraid to mention out loud . I don't feel like that anymore . Whatever I felt then stays in the past because I'm a different person now . That drab house with a cracked window no longer represents me . You c an't stop by for a visit . You can only drive past . You don't live there any longer .
Monday, December 12, 2011
Acceptance
The morning sun streams across my bedroom filling it with a warmth that is a lie . It's freezing outside . Winter is coming . As sick as I have been feeling , my mood is pretty bright as the sun outside . I feel different this week . Acceptance is settling in . No more anger or disappointment at having to relive cancer again . It has become a way of life for me and it's time for me to make peace with it .
My priorities in life have changed once more . All I want now is to live a peaceful life . I want to live a certain way . Carefree and worry free that ' s the new me . I want to run away to the country more than ever .
For the first time in a very long time I feel thankful . There are no regrets any longer . I needed to go through life to be where I'm at now . I definitely wouldn't have been the same person unless I experienced every miserable moment . We don't want to think about the bad times but it's the bad times that define us . Make us who we are .
Am I scared ? You better believe it . I have no clue as to what is coming . Yesterday , I saw Adrianna 's husband and he looked wonderful . Happy , smiling and his hair growing back . Came down to take pictures of his children during sunday school. We all have to move forward . Acceptance .
My priorities in life have changed once more . All I want now is to live a peaceful life . I want to live a certain way . Carefree and worry free that ' s the new me . I want to run away to the country more than ever .
For the first time in a very long time I feel thankful . There are no regrets any longer . I needed to go through life to be where I'm at now . I definitely wouldn't have been the same person unless I experienced every miserable moment . We don't want to think about the bad times but it's the bad times that define us . Make us who we are .
Am I scared ? You better believe it . I have no clue as to what is coming . Yesterday , I saw Adrianna 's husband and he looked wonderful . Happy , smiling and his hair growing back . Came down to take pictures of his children during sunday school. We all have to move forward . Acceptance .
Friday, December 9, 2011
What's In A Name
A transformation has taken place in my life this week . That last chemo where I didn't want to go , really changed me . On my first journey , I realized how many people truly loved me . This time , I'm learning to love myself . Just think of all the compliments we get and don't take them at face value . We are shown how much we are appreciated or loved but somehow we just don't believe that it's true . People are just being nice . That's what we tell ourselves .
How we see ourselves is so different to how others see us . Emily and I play this game where we name the characters in a particular movie we are watching with real people in our lives . We have fun with it and we end up enjoying the movie more . We have done the same thing with the people in our apartment building . We gave them nicknames based on how we perceive them to be . We have an Easy Ryan , Smokin Steve , Drama Man , Baby Mamma , Big Bird and the Newlyweds . Just by the names you can tell something about them . We wondered , one night , what nickname would they give us ? We called ourselves the laughing hyenas .
Even this blog . Or at least the name of it . Where did it come from ? People ask me that all the time . I have no idea . I've mentioned this before , I see nothing enjoyable about this journey . In fact , I keep telling myself the joy of it will be later on ....that I can't see it right now . It was like that the first time , too .I was so afraid that I would miss the message that God wanted to send me .
I want to see myself the way that Christ sees me and hopefully everyone else will , too.
How we see ourselves is so different to how others see us . Emily and I play this game where we name the characters in a particular movie we are watching with real people in our lives . We have fun with it and we end up enjoying the movie more . We have done the same thing with the people in our apartment building . We gave them nicknames based on how we perceive them to be . We have an Easy Ryan , Smokin Steve , Drama Man , Baby Mamma , Big Bird and the Newlyweds . Just by the names you can tell something about them . We wondered , one night , what nickname would they give us ? We called ourselves the laughing hyenas .
Even this blog . Or at least the name of it . Where did it come from ? People ask me that all the time . I have no idea . I've mentioned this before , I see nothing enjoyable about this journey . In fact , I keep telling myself the joy of it will be later on ....that I can't see it right now . It was like that the first time , too .I was so afraid that I would miss the message that God wanted to send me .
I want to see myself the way that Christ sees me and hopefully everyone else will , too.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
I'm Sexy And I Know It
While at Chemo the other day , I met a woman my age going through breast cancer . We shared the same room . Believe me , I wasn't happy . All I wanted that day was to be left alone crocheting and doing my puzzles . This woman would not stop chattering away with me .
I sat there and listened to her telling me how having cancer isn't as bad as people make it out to be . Her life hardly changed at all . Her husband and three teenage daughters were doing just great . She works fulltime and has absolutely no side effects from the chemo . She has no hair but doesn't understand what the big deal is about being bald . It doesn't bother her at all . Everything is just fine .
I looked at her with awe . My face red beet in color from the steroids . My chest all red from the stinking tape that covers my infusion needle . God Bless her , I thought , because she is where I was at 4 years ago ......in denial . When it finally hits her , she will be devastated at how much her life has really changed .
Suddenly , I realized , I'ld rather be where I'm at .......overweight , bloated , redfaced , exhausted and sick all the time then back in that place 4 years ago . Bring on those side effects ....I'll deal . I want to be healed not only physically but spiritually . I also realized that I need to stop with feeling sorry for myself . Need to get off this obsession I seem to have with how I look .
A few days ago , I read in my devotional that if we could just see ourselves the way God sees us then we would love ourselves more . Can you imagine how beautiful I must look to him . When He sees me He doesn' t see the flaws , the dirt ........He sees me clean and shiny....all brand new . I am His Creation ...His Masterpiece .
I sashayed out to the bathroom and caught myself in the mirror . All my love handles , muffin tops , junk in the trunk , bald headed and my turkey gobbler chin . He thinks I'm beautiful . It's about time I started to believe it . Did a spin in front of that mirror . Yep , I'm sexy and I know it !!!
I sat there and listened to her telling me how having cancer isn't as bad as people make it out to be . Her life hardly changed at all . Her husband and three teenage daughters were doing just great . She works fulltime and has absolutely no side effects from the chemo . She has no hair but doesn't understand what the big deal is about being bald . It doesn't bother her at all . Everything is just fine .
I looked at her with awe . My face red beet in color from the steroids . My chest all red from the stinking tape that covers my infusion needle . God Bless her , I thought , because she is where I was at 4 years ago ......in denial . When it finally hits her , she will be devastated at how much her life has really changed .
Suddenly , I realized , I'ld rather be where I'm at .......overweight , bloated , redfaced , exhausted and sick all the time then back in that place 4 years ago . Bring on those side effects ....I'll deal . I want to be healed not only physically but spiritually . I also realized that I need to stop with feeling sorry for myself . Need to get off this obsession I seem to have with how I look .
A few days ago , I read in my devotional that if we could just see ourselves the way God sees us then we would love ourselves more . Can you imagine how beautiful I must look to him . When He sees me He doesn' t see the flaws , the dirt ........He sees me clean and shiny....all brand new . I am His Creation ...His Masterpiece .
I sashayed out to the bathroom and caught myself in the mirror . All my love handles , muffin tops , junk in the trunk , bald headed and my turkey gobbler chin . He thinks I'm beautiful . It's about time I started to believe it . Did a spin in front of that mirror . Yep , I'm sexy and I know it !!!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
All Of Me
I can't even begin to tell you how much I dreaded going to chemo this morning . There was total silence in the car . For once Emily sat quiet . Sanctus Real came on the radio singing "All Of Me " and I cried the rest of the way . I have no idea why . I have no jokes for you today .
Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away
And I'm so close
To what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
I won't let sadness
Steal you from my arms
I won't let pain
Keep you from my heart
I'd trade the fear
Of all that I could lose
For every moment
I'll share with you
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
And Heaven brought you to this moment
It's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
It's where I'll start
Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away
And I'm so close
To what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
I won't let sadness
Steal you from my arms
I won't let pain
Keep you from my heart
I'd trade the fear
Of all that I could lose
For every moment
I'll share with you
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
And Heaven brought you to this moment
It's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
It's where I'll start
A Hoarders Life It Is
Remember those boxes in my bedroom that I shuffled from corner to corner ? Well , they are unpacked . In their place are plastic storage boxes that I organized all these things in . My bedroom is the only room in the apartment that is always full of stuff . I'll clean it up and in a day or two , something else will take their place . All the other rooms are organized neatly , except my bedroom .
It's very symbolic , reflecting my personal life . By nature I am a very frugal person and I do not believe in waste . I reuse and recycle . My room is full of stuff that I don't need but will not get rid of . I am a hoarder .
Here I am on the eve of my chemo staying up all night (03:24 am ) going through this stuff . In a few hours , I will have my third chemo .It's a halfway point .I'm halfway there . I'm almost done . Trepidation and anxiety take over because I'm not ready . I'm not where I should be by now . I'm still surrounded by a mess .
What am I hoarding ? Honey , I have a jar of mixmatched buttons because one day I will look in my closet and see that all the buttons went missing and I'll have buttons to sew on again . I have all my taxes going back to 1984 in case I'm audited . I have recipes from all over the world because one day I will make sausage by scratch and smoke it , too . I still have my skinny clothes ( size 7 ) because in a few hours I will step onto the scale and a miracle will happen and I'll need those skinny clothes . It could happen . Miracles happen everyday . Stop snickering .
I have box upon box of craft materials like doll heads , eyes , beads ,sequins , felt , magnets etc. because I plan on going into a frenzy making crafts for everyone in my family for Christmas .......one day . I have knitting needles of every shape and color . I have knitting patterns and I don't even know how to knit . I crochet . I don't have any crocheting patterns .
Under my kitchen sink I have hundreds of plastic bags . I made a vow last week that I refuse to buy anymore trash bags until all of these plastic bags are gone . I have a huge stack of posterboard that I have been saving up for my kids at Sunday School for all those projects that may come up . I made the first step in my addiction to hoarding .....I cut up all that posterboard in different shapes for the base for Emily's cakes . I made a care package to send to my family in Poland of those skinny clothes . I maybe a hoarder but I'm a frugal hoarder !
It's very symbolic , reflecting my personal life . By nature I am a very frugal person and I do not believe in waste . I reuse and recycle . My room is full of stuff that I don't need but will not get rid of . I am a hoarder .
Here I am on the eve of my chemo staying up all night (03:24 am ) going through this stuff . In a few hours , I will have my third chemo .It's a halfway point .I'm halfway there . I'm almost done . Trepidation and anxiety take over because I'm not ready . I'm not where I should be by now . I'm still surrounded by a mess .
What am I hoarding ? Honey , I have a jar of mixmatched buttons because one day I will look in my closet and see that all the buttons went missing and I'll have buttons to sew on again . I have all my taxes going back to 1984 in case I'm audited . I have recipes from all over the world because one day I will make sausage by scratch and smoke it , too . I still have my skinny clothes ( size 7 ) because in a few hours I will step onto the scale and a miracle will happen and I'll need those skinny clothes . It could happen . Miracles happen everyday . Stop snickering .
I have box upon box of craft materials like doll heads , eyes , beads ,sequins , felt , magnets etc. because I plan on going into a frenzy making crafts for everyone in my family for Christmas .......one day . I have knitting needles of every shape and color . I have knitting patterns and I don't even know how to knit . I crochet . I don't have any crocheting patterns .
Under my kitchen sink I have hundreds of plastic bags . I made a vow last week that I refuse to buy anymore trash bags until all of these plastic bags are gone . I have a huge stack of posterboard that I have been saving up for my kids at Sunday School for all those projects that may come up . I made the first step in my addiction to hoarding .....I cut up all that posterboard in different shapes for the base for Emily's cakes . I made a care package to send to my family in Poland of those skinny clothes . I maybe a hoarder but I'm a frugal hoarder !
Monday, December 5, 2011
Wanted - Ooomph!
I was up and out early this morning , anxious to get my checklist done . After making sure I had plenty of crackers , miralax and anti-diarrhea medicine ......I headed home looking forward to a hot bath and some tea with lemon .
Walked in to find my little bitty kitty went after all my ornaments , DVD player laying on the floor and the lamp was overturned . Bless her heart she was nowhere to be found . As I was cleaning up this surprise that was left for me , I noticed out of the corner of my eye something furry ran past.......very quickly ! Feeling disappointed that I can't thank her properly , I walk into the kitchen . Her face is the size of a child's palm yet the way she eats makes one think she is an ogre !! Cat food all over my floor .
You think I would be mad , but I feel nothing . Not even a smile . I've lost my oomph ! At first , I was worried that maybe I'm slipping into a depression but I quickly realized its not sadness I've been feeling . I simply feel nothing . My body and mind went into a neutral zone .
Yesterday , I have told you about my friend , Linda . Today , I want to tell you about the third cancer patient at church or rather his wife , Adrianna . They are a young couple in their early thirties with three children ( a set of twins 8yrs and a baby 1yr). Her husband just had a bone marrow transplant and they were awaiting test results . She said to me , that it didn't matter if the results came out great because they were at the point where nothing fazed them anymore . It's like , okay , what's next ?
I understand what she means . This is exactly where I'm at , too . Things are going good. Chemo is taking effect ........for now ......until the next time . It has turned into a lifestyle . A way of life for all of us . It will never be the same .....no matter what happens .
Can't shake this feeling that my neutral zone means something . I really don't think we just stopped feeling , rather , I think we 're beginning an acceptance of our new life . Are we on the brink of a new chapter ? A very scary emotion for me . Who knows what He has in store for me now . It could be something I don't want to deal with at all . Especially , since this time I don't want to deal with anything .
Walked in to find my little bitty kitty went after all my ornaments , DVD player laying on the floor and the lamp was overturned . Bless her heart she was nowhere to be found . As I was cleaning up this surprise that was left for me , I noticed out of the corner of my eye something furry ran past.......very quickly ! Feeling disappointed that I can't thank her properly , I walk into the kitchen . Her face is the size of a child's palm yet the way she eats makes one think she is an ogre !! Cat food all over my floor .
You think I would be mad , but I feel nothing . Not even a smile . I've lost my oomph ! At first , I was worried that maybe I'm slipping into a depression but I quickly realized its not sadness I've been feeling . I simply feel nothing . My body and mind went into a neutral zone .
Yesterday , I have told you about my friend , Linda . Today , I want to tell you about the third cancer patient at church or rather his wife , Adrianna . They are a young couple in their early thirties with three children ( a set of twins 8yrs and a baby 1yr). Her husband just had a bone marrow transplant and they were awaiting test results . She said to me , that it didn't matter if the results came out great because they were at the point where nothing fazed them anymore . It's like , okay , what's next ?
I understand what she means . This is exactly where I'm at , too . Things are going good. Chemo is taking effect ........for now ......until the next time . It has turned into a lifestyle . A way of life for all of us . It will never be the same .....no matter what happens .
Can't shake this feeling that my neutral zone means something . I really don't think we just stopped feeling , rather , I think we 're beginning an acceptance of our new life . Are we on the brink of a new chapter ? A very scary emotion for me . Who knows what He has in store for me now . It could be something I don't want to deal with at all . Especially , since this time I don't want to deal with anything .
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Checklist
On Sunday , I usually run into my friend Linda . We compare notes on the different chemo treatments , side effects we are experiencing and any test results we are waiting on . It's good to know another cancer patient to share this road with . In my church , there are three of us going through cancer .
I was very surprised to find we both have the same routine . We have a checklist we go through before our chemo . We already know what kind of side effects we will experience and how long they will last . We prepare ourselves for those days when we will be out of action .
I get chemo every three weeks . My side effects usually last 2 weeks and then I get a week break before the next treatment . Being sick and out of commission makes life a little hard . My checklist includes doing groceries , paying any bills , getting all my medications , doing laundry etc . We also buy whatever we need for our side effects . One of my big ones happens to be nausea .I 'll stock up on crackers and fruit to help combat it .
I depend on my checklist alot lately. I find that I stay home as much as possible . In fact , I can feel the difference in my body more now than before . It will only get worse as time goes on . If there is an event like a birthday or sunday school , I have to rest up all week for it . Being sick is a full time job .
Then there is a checklist for the everyday life until I go in remission . My plastic gloves that I use when cleaning , atm machines and for pumping gas . The famous clorox wipes ....where do I begin ? I use them for everything ! For the steering wheel when I get inside the car and the bathroom ,oh yes , the bathroom . Especially , if that bathroom is not mine . Lastly , the mask , for those times when someone is sick and I have no choice but to be near them .
My checklist begins tomorrow . So does Linda's . Next day is treatment ....for both of us . Yeah , it's good to have a friend that is experiencing the same thing at the same time .
I was very surprised to find we both have the same routine . We have a checklist we go through before our chemo . We already know what kind of side effects we will experience and how long they will last . We prepare ourselves for those days when we will be out of action .
I get chemo every three weeks . My side effects usually last 2 weeks and then I get a week break before the next treatment . Being sick and out of commission makes life a little hard . My checklist includes doing groceries , paying any bills , getting all my medications , doing laundry etc . We also buy whatever we need for our side effects . One of my big ones happens to be nausea .I 'll stock up on crackers and fruit to help combat it .
I depend on my checklist alot lately. I find that I stay home as much as possible . In fact , I can feel the difference in my body more now than before . It will only get worse as time goes on . If there is an event like a birthday or sunday school , I have to rest up all week for it . Being sick is a full time job .
Then there is a checklist for the everyday life until I go in remission . My plastic gloves that I use when cleaning , atm machines and for pumping gas . The famous clorox wipes ....where do I begin ? I use them for everything ! For the steering wheel when I get inside the car and the bathroom ,oh yes , the bathroom . Especially , if that bathroom is not mine . Lastly , the mask , for those times when someone is sick and I have no choice but to be near them .
My checklist begins tomorrow . So does Linda's . Next day is treatment ....for both of us . Yeah , it's good to have a friend that is experiencing the same thing at the same time .
Saturday, December 3, 2011
The Greatest Gift
I can see His compassion and tenderness toward needy people . His intense love for His followers .
31 Days Of Praise (pg.43)
After reading that Quote , I immediately thought of a young couple ( both 16 ) that found out they were expecting a child . This was on an episode of " 16 And Pregnant ". Never really watched this program before but that morning there was a marathon of episode after episode on . There was I , glued to the set , disgusted with the young men leaving .
Finally , this couple comes on . Both look younger than their 16 age . They decided to give their child up for adoption to a Christian couple . They knew they were not ready to be parents . The tears they cried when their daughter was born were heart wrenching . The tears the adoptive parents cried when they held their Carolyn were heartwarming . I was a total mess for those 30 minutes .
I witnessed the greatest gift from one person to another . I want to do that . I want to give someone a gift that money can't buy . I want to touch someone's life in a way where they are inspired , encouraged or transformed .
Imagine a Christmas where the only gifts are those we give of ourselves . Maybe giving someone who is lonely a gift of your time . Or making dinner for a sick friend . No material gift will bring more joy to those adoptive parents than the sacrifice of the teen couple . How beautiful !!!
31 Days Of Praise (pg.43)
After reading that Quote , I immediately thought of a young couple ( both 16 ) that found out they were expecting a child . This was on an episode of " 16 And Pregnant ". Never really watched this program before but that morning there was a marathon of episode after episode on . There was I , glued to the set , disgusted with the young men leaving .
Finally , this couple comes on . Both look younger than their 16 age . They decided to give their child up for adoption to a Christian couple . They knew they were not ready to be parents . The tears they cried when their daughter was born were heart wrenching . The tears the adoptive parents cried when they held their Carolyn were heartwarming . I was a total mess for those 30 minutes .
I witnessed the greatest gift from one person to another . I want to do that . I want to give someone a gift that money can't buy . I want to touch someone's life in a way where they are inspired , encouraged or transformed .
Imagine a Christmas where the only gifts are those we give of ourselves . Maybe giving someone who is lonely a gift of your time . Or making dinner for a sick friend . No material gift will bring more joy to those adoptive parents than the sacrifice of the teen couple . How beautiful !!!
Friday, December 2, 2011
My Pity Party
My pity party started early in the morning . I woke up wanting nothing more than putting the covers over my head and not coming out . Alas , I had a doctor appointment and Emily had to go to work ( its their busy season ).
By the time afternoon came , my pity party turned into a bad attitude . Nothing worked today and I didn't care . At the doctors , I was there like two hours and most of that time I was kept waiting . Why ? Why do they keep us waiting as long as they do ? Seriously !
I got on the scale and I gained weight . But of course ! What else would it say ?! That I lost weight ? End up buying some lounge pants and can't even get my behind into them !
I just want to climb into my car and drive somewhere far , far away !
By the time afternoon came , my pity party turned into a bad attitude . Nothing worked today and I didn't care . At the doctors , I was there like two hours and most of that time I was kept waiting . Why ? Why do they keep us waiting as long as they do ? Seriously !
I got on the scale and I gained weight . But of course ! What else would it say ?! That I lost weight ? End up buying some lounge pants and can't even get my behind into them !
I just want to climb into my car and drive somewhere far , far away !
Thursday, December 1, 2011
" My refuge and my fortress , my God , in whom I trust ".
Psalm 91: 2
After I read that first chapter of my book , I couldn't stop thinking . My whole life flashed before me . I can remember when I was a young mom . I had such strong views on where I thought I would be twenty years down the road . I knew what I wanted and I was ready to wait to get it . I viewed my future life through rose colored glasses .
Back then , I loved the city and everything it stood for . Now , I can't wait to get away from it .When I look back , I can't believe how much I have changed since that young mom . I want none of those same things that I patiently waited for all of my young life .
In all these changes , my faith , My God , has always been there . I may have been angry with Him , disappointed but it didn't matter ....He was there . That never changed . What did change is that my relationship with Him grew warmer.......better because I let Him in .
My refuge and my fortress , my God , in whom I trust .I never really understood and felt that verse until now . I could have never gone through and make it without Him . He has been in my life for 47yrs. Long before I was even ready to experience the relationship He has been patiently waiting for .
Psalm 91: 2
After I read that first chapter of my book , I couldn't stop thinking . My whole life flashed before me . I can remember when I was a young mom . I had such strong views on where I thought I would be twenty years down the road . I knew what I wanted and I was ready to wait to get it . I viewed my future life through rose colored glasses .
Back then , I loved the city and everything it stood for . Now , I can't wait to get away from it .When I look back , I can't believe how much I have changed since that young mom . I want none of those same things that I patiently waited for all of my young life .
In all these changes , my faith , My God , has always been there . I may have been angry with Him , disappointed but it didn't matter ....He was there . That never changed . What did change is that my relationship with Him grew warmer.......better because I let Him in .
My refuge and my fortress , my God , in whom I trust .I never really understood and felt that verse until now . I could have never gone through and make it without Him . He has been in my life for 47yrs. Long before I was even ready to experience the relationship He has been patiently waiting for .
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