A Tree

I'm not sure about you , but I have been thinking about Spring . I miss the sun and the warmth it provides . To me , Spring represents Rebirth and right now , we need a Rebirth ! One sign of Spring are the buds on trees and the beautiful way they blossom . Here's one of my favorite poems about a tree  by Joyce Kilmer . 

I THINK that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the sweet earth's flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,	5
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.	10
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree. Have a Blessed week everyone .

CARS

Walking into the Auto Repair Shop , I was faced with a very familiar 
scene . Looking around the waiting room , all the men sat there wearing the traditional gray and navy colors they are known for . Men , very rarely , wear color . 

Another observation : Men are extremely impatient . They kept fidgeting , shifting positions and glancing at their watches . Some even kept badgering the poor woman , frequently asking , " how much longer " . None of them brought anything with them to occupy their time . 

I dislike taking my car in for any type of work . This is where I wish I was married . This would be his job . That's what I need a husband for .......to take the car in . I will drive the vehicle and he can take care of it . I think this  is fair . 

Cars have been an enigma all of my driving life . I have no idea what makes them tick , I just want to drive them . 

Last summer I had my accident , which produced a tiny broken speck on my windshield . Nothing to worry about  until now . The extreme weather cracked that windshield right across the entire width in a matter of a few days . 

I stared at this thing , wondering what am I to do now ? Who am I to call ? Where do I go ? Feeling totally helpless , images of driving and the windshield shattering when I hit a pothole overwhelmed me completely . Feeling anxious , I sent out e-mails to all my male relatives , hoping one of them will answer . 

How can I , an intelligent woman , execute the schedule and run a packaging floor of over 30 plus people , but dissolve in a pool of helplessness over a mere vehicle  ? !

Of course , one of my favorite nephews answered and there I was  in a waiting room with all these impatient  men . I walked in , sat down  and pulled out my crocheting loom . All eyes immediately turned my way and like a duck out of water , I kept on crocheting .

Have a Blessed day everyone .  

The Story Of My Life Pt. 2

There are people out there who can remember every small detail of their entire life from birth to present . I am not one of those
 people . I think it's mainly because my mind blocks out all the unpleasant memories and tries to focus on the Joy . 

I WANT TO REMEMBER THE JOY .

I was born on January 16 , 1965 on a Saturday morning . I was the product of my parent's reconciliation after being almost 2 years separated . Even though I was the second child , my dad wasn't around for my older brother's birth . In a way , I was his first experience . 

One would think that since my dad missed out on so much with his first child , he would make an effort to be a great dad , but that wasn't the case . He was raised to be distant , not showing 
emotion , and was described as the original mama's boy . 

My mom , on the other hand , made up for anything my dad wasn't providing emotionally . I have many  happy memories of my brothers , myself and our mom spending time together . 

Not many people know that I was born in Poland and came here as a small child of seven years  . I remember those first few years of trying to learn a different language and the struggles of trying to fit in an entirely foreign culture . We looked different and we acted differently than people who were born citizens . My parents wanted to learn the language and made every effort to do so by encouraging us to speak English at home . Not many foreigners make that choice .

Within five years of coming to the U.S , my parents bought their first home . Normally , it should have been a happy time for our family , but it was the opposite . My father drank and abused my mom , as did a lot of the men from that era . There was a lot of scrimping and saving , wearing garage sale clothes and desperately trying to fit into being American .

I can distinctly remember sitting in front of the telly , watching all those delicious commercials , wishing for a twinkie or a can of spaghettios . I felt like the word " greenhorn " was written  on my forehead for everyone to see . 

Looking back brings a smile , not tears or sadness . Looking back I only remember the Joy . I felt so incredibly close to my brothers and never could understand the fighting or bickering that our children do nowadays . 

To be continued 

Have a Blessed day everyone . 

Throwback Thursday

Throwback Thursday is almost as famous as Hump Day ! For a long time now , I have wanted to go back to the beginning of my blogs and sort of do an update on where I am now . Something that would  be featured every Thursday from now on . 

Since I have erased , by mistake , the very first blog , we will have to start with number two " Hello Linda " posted Friday October 14 , 2011 .

Hello Linda

    We all experience a moment where we have to do an unpleasant task.It could be unpleasant for many reasons.I have an unpleasant task set before me today.Can't put it off any longer.
     I have to tell my friend Linda that my cancer is back.Its particularly difficult because Linda is also fighting cancer at this time.What is even more ironic is the fact that we fought cancer the first time together also.I have been keeping this a SECRET  from her since I found out 6 weeks ago.
    Linda's cancer came back a few months ago and she took comfort in knowing I was okay.This will be a huge shock for her.You see,Linda loves me with all of her heart.I know this.I see this.I feel this.We all have a friend like that...one we know loves us no matter what.Whether we deserve it or not .
   When I found out about her cancer..I burst out sobbing...not even crying but sobbing.I honestly don't know if I cried for Linda or for myself.But I was scared for myself.I know this now.Its a shameful thing to admit about oneself.But I was scared that I would be next.
   Even now when I think about this very fact ...I'm ashamed.I never considered myself to be self-centered but I behaved in that manner even if it was for a moment.Just when we think we are so good........Jesus pops something out of us to  remind US to  look in the mirror once in awhile and really see ourselves.
  Well,time to make that phone call,"Hello Linda"?

UPDATE : 

The first thing that pops out at me are all the grammar mistakes . Somehow , I feel I have grown as a writer . 

Linda still continues to have treatment for her cancer and has not been in remission since the above time . Her cancer spreads to various parts of her body , attacking one area after another . 

It has been a struggle for her , especially mentally , as she has not come to terms with her illness .  She wants to be rid of this cancer and healed completely . As  chronic illness patients , we need to face and accept our disabilities as well as abilities or we will become melancholy in our view . 

Please continue to pray for Linda and her family .

Have a Blessed day everyone .

The Importance Of Hair

Majority of my life has been spent not caring about my hair . I didn't believe in wasting time primping , curling or styling any of it . My head was always " wash and wear " ready and I couldn't understand why anyone would spend so much time fixing their hair in the mornings . 

That was then .

When I lost my hair in 2007 , I was devastated . Gone were the long eyelashes that I have been known for and so were the eyebrows . I was completely bald from my head to my toes . I would joke that I looked like  a plucked chicken , but on the inside , I was crying . 

I felt utterly ugly and suddenly , I understood why women groom their hair every morning . It makes us feel beautiful . We want to look beautiful , not so much for others , as for ourselves . Hair took on an important air . 

The second time I lost my hair , I tried to disguise my appearance by wearing hats and scarves in imaginative ways . When my niece was getting married , I spent months leading to the event worried on how I would look . How can I make myself look attractive on such a special day with no hair ? 

My third time with cancer , I totally lucked out and only a small decrease of hair happened . My hair took on the appearance of
 thin and lifeless , in the end , I opted for a body wave . 

 I've learned to appreciated the hair I do have . My long eyelashes are gone , but I do have some to speak of . My eyebrows are almost non-existent , which is fine , no need to trim . I only need to shave my legs a few times a year . Why complain ? I have no nose hairs and it hurts to blow my nose , but hey , it could be worse . 

In the end , it's not about the hair or our appearance , but how we feel both on the outside and inside . It's all about the state of our mental health . I mean , when we die , we're not taking this body with us , right ? 

Have a Blessed day everyone . 

The Story Of My Life

It has become therapeutic to write the story of our life . 

Nowadays , if we enter Recovery or a Relationship class of any kind , it's almost mandatory . For the healing process alone , I can understand the purpose of this exercise  . The questions become 

" where do we begin ? "  or " how much do we tell ? " or  " why do we feel the need to perform this act ? "

When Emily was contemplating Baptism , she wrote a very long letter to her father , all of seven pages . There were things she needed to say so she could move forward . That letter was never mailed , instead it was buried at one of their favorite places . 

There are different reasons why we review our past . A young woman may want to bury the hatchet with an absent father or a young couple will feel a need to be honest with their future mate . 

I want to review my past to see where I have been and where I need to go . I want to see the mistakes I have done and the corrections that need to be made . Have I grown ? Have I bettered myself ? Has my situation been resolved or made worse ? What are the patterns in my life that keep repeating themselves ? 

A few years back , I've decided to write that story of my life . After being half done , I sat back with a cup of coffee to read what I wrote so far . First , I was disgusted and then I became depressed . This was my life ? ! 

In my story , I emphasized all the bad parts to where they became the star characters . I glorified them to the point where even I wouldn't want to be my own friend . Why do we only remember the bad parts ?

To be continued 

Have a Blessed day everyone .

A Brave Heart

Over the years , I have met many fellow cancer patients , some that have become very dear to me . A person can make  friends while waiting for treatment in a clinic . Why not ? We're there for majority of our day , we might as well as chat with others to pass the time .

Some of these moments with them have been fleeting , lasting only the few hours while receiving infusion . Yet , they have left an impression . There is something deep inside of us that is  provided by God , whether we are believers or not , where we can survive the most difficult of circumstances . 

I have lost quite a few of them to cancer this past year . 

Six days ago , Aubrey's nephew was born with heart problems , needing open heart surgery in the first week of his life . As I scanned his image , all sorts of memories invaded my being . 

Memories of myself being hooked up to numerous tubes and wires where my face was barely seen . The slow healing process and the many setbacks . I remember it all quite well . 

Memories of friends who have been hospitalized , some going home and some not so lucky . The awkward feeling coming from me , as I sat there not being able to do anything , but offer bagels and coffee to the family members who haven't left their side . 

I have been called brave , strong , courageous , but never actually feeling  any of these things  . I merely thought they were being nice and trying to encourage me to live on  and not give in to despair . People saying all the right and polite things . 

Since that time , I have sat in many hospital rooms listening to the cries and whimpering of people in real pain . I have sat quietly in the corner , as the family of a man dying , held his hand . . . . . feeling completely helpless . 

I have , since then , knelt down and prayed countless prayers for countless people who have been dealt a tragedy . All of them pleading for prayer and seeking comfort .

I have seen reflected in these people the same attributes that were associated and bestowed upon me . I see what they saw in me all those years ago .

BRAVERY
           STRENGTH
                       COURAGEOUSNESS 

Why are we so surprised ? Are we not made by God ? Has He not molded us in His image ? Has He not shaped us with His love ? We are born with a brave heart and a strong will to LIVE .

I looked at this tiny child , all of 5 pounds , barely being able to make out his features because of all the tubes hooked up to him . He is fighting . He is fighting for life . 

Brave .

Strong .

Courageous .

Have a Blessed day everyone .