Where Art Thou , Romeo ?

I've been flirting and enjoying it ! Who knew I still had it in me .
 Romance is something that has been placed on the side burner in the last couple of years . So when  a man began flirting with me ,  , it was a little shocking . . .well , at least in the beginning .


And then . . . . quite enjoyable .

I have to admit that I felt rather pretty , sexy and worthy of male attention . My own reaction surprised me . At my age ? Who would have thought I could still blush ?

All this male attention , has brought quite a lot of thinking regarding relationships and marriage . Emily , herself , asked me if I would get married . Would I ? 

I always thought I would be married at this age . Never saw myself any other way , but now that I have arrived at my middle years , I'm not so sure anymore . 

All my married friends complain about their spouses and often tell me to stay single . According to them , it's just too much work taking care of a spouse . They have to feed them and dress them . Pick up after them . Never go anywhere alone . 

What are they ? Children ? They can't dress themselves ? 

I thought about my life now and the freedom that I enjoy . I have no small children . I can come and go as I please . I can stay up as late as I want and I have the bed all to myself . I can support myself financially and have no need for more children . 

What do I need a husband for ? 

Two reasons : To fix my vehicle or at least , I can throw the set of keys at him and tell him to take care of the problem . He also has a spare car I can use in the meantime . He can fill her up with gas and warm up the car in  the winter . 

And . . . . . . 

I have someone to go to events with and have a dance partner . He can fetch my drink and be the designated driver . When we get home , he can rub my aching feet . 

One more , but extremely important ! 

He can go to Church with me and place his arm around me like I see all the Christian husbands do to their wives . Then when we get home , he can leave me alone . Lol . 

Have a Blessed day everyone . 

Throwback Thursday

I think the one thing I have struggled with since my cancer and still continue to this day has been how it has affected my appearance . 

It was very difficult for me to lose my hair and now it has come back each time even more beautiful than ever . I love my hair . 

The most difficult has been the weight gain . If you have been thin all your life even after having four children and then all of a sudden you blow up gaining over 80 pounds . . . . . you might have a little difficulty in accepting the new you .

  I have struggled with other people's reaction to my appearance . People have no idea how cruel they sound when they carelessly make disparaging remarks . It's easy for others to say " pay no attention " to them , but it still hurts .  

Right now , I am much better at accepting things the way they are and I know eventually I will get to that point where it will not matter .

Losing Your Identity

My hair has been falling out . It's not a pretty sight . Everyday it gets worse . I don't think people realize what the process looks like when your hair starts shedding . Think of a chemical waste movie where the infected person 's hair is falling off in chunks . Globs....chunks. Yuck .

    It starts off with just some hair whenever you brush . Then a handful everytime you touch your hair. After that, you shed on your shoulders , pillow , bathtub . You don't even have to touch it .  Everyday it gets worse and worse . So I made the decision to shave it already .
   Four years ago , I shaved my head immediately when it started to fall out . This time , I have waited a lot longer . I mention this to someone and their response really ticked me off . This upset me so much I felt I needed to write about it . They wanted me to wait . " I mean , Lottie, its not that bad . "
   Really ? Really ? How would you know . That's like telling someone that has breast cancer...its just a breast . Or someone in a wheelchair.....its just a leg .People say the most insensitive things . This is why people who are going through tragedies do  not share their feelings with others . Another reason ....because they feel that no one understands what they are going through .
  Another huge misconception..............this is not vanity.......it is the loss of identity . My losing my hair is not about being attractive . Its about not recognizing myself .Who am I now? Who will I be when I come out of this ? Then there are my children who still have a hard time seeing me with no hair . I should just tell them its not that bad when they see globs of my hair hit the floor . How dramatic do you think that will be for them ?
  The funny thing is that the person who said it , if this happened to them , would have gone into a depression . I'm not saying this to make the person feel bad about themselves . I want people to be aware.
    Since starting this blog ,I have had so many relatives of patients come up to me and tell me how they never knew what they were feeling . How they kept all their emotions bottled up . How they wished they knew their thoughts .
   My feelings alone have been like a roller coaster ride....up and down and up again . I think that's because I'm trying to find out who I am in all of this . This person staring in the mirror with a bald head...who is she ?Who will she become ?

Have a Blessed day everyone . 

Blending With The Wallpaper

JEREMIAH 31:31–40

      "I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts. And I will be their God, and they shall be my people."

All of my life , I have been a leader , whether I wanted to be one or not . I've always done what has been expected of me , guilt playing  a huge role in my life . 

Guilt has pushed me to do things outside of my comfort level . No matter how busy I could be , people could lay the guilt at my door and I would end up fulfilling their wish list . 

But . . . . .  I can't blame it all on guilt . It may have played a part , but not the whole thing . I can't seem to say no . Ask me to pick up your children from school everyday for a week and I will find myself agreeing before I know what has happened . 

Why do I do that ? How many times have I gone without sleep , because I'm fulfilling an obligation ? How many times have I been behind , because of an over-scheduled date book ? 

All I want to do is blend in with the wallpaper and not be seen nor      heard . Let me sit quietly in a corner observing and doing my thing . A safe , little nook where life cannot touch me . Obviously , God has other plans for me .

I think a part of it has to do with my being a single mom . I know how difficult it can be when one is alone . When someone asks a favor of me , my mind immediately goes to a time when the same has happened to me . I can relate to how helpless and alone a person can feel when faced with a problem . 

So yes , I feel guilt at not helping . Yes , I feel obligated to help . Am I not looking for the same thing every time my car breaks down ? 

Whenever that feeling of disappearing into the wallpaper occurs , usually God provides a tiny reminder of why we are here sharing this earth with others . A request will be made . A date for breakfast will be set . A text message will appear . Let's not forget to answer .

Have a Blessed day everyone . 

Some Things

Pain and trials are almost constant companions, but never enemies. They drive me into His sovereign arms. There He takes my disappointments and works everything together for good. 
Kay Arthur

I honestly believe Kay is right . When I was a 

little girl , my mom would always have this 

saying she would repeat to me as an 

explanation to life itself  . 


God has planned your life while you were still a tiny 

dot inside me .


Of course , that would just open up a whole slew of 

questions for me and I was a child with tons of 

questions .


 When I think of my life before cancer , it almost 

seems a waste , as if 

I was living a past life in another dimension . An 

incomplete life , where I was looking for something 

that seemed unattainable  

and that something was also unexplainable . 


Some things , one cannot define , yet the longing is 

real and so is the thirst  . 


Some things cannot be explained ,yet our desire to 

be loved and cared for is greater than the fear of not 

knowing  .


Some things are beyond words , yet when we find it , 

we feel as if we've finally made it home after years of 

being lost and hungry .


Some things are worth taking the risk of believing , 

taking hold of Faith and placing our trust into the 

 hands of Sovereignty . 



So yes , cancer is my pain and my sorrow , but it also 

has become my dear , dear friend .  


Have a Blessed day everyone .

Youth Monday

Monday is here again , ready to start off the brand new week whether we are willing or not . Why not try to make an effort in the right 
direction ? 

From time to time , I may feel saddened by the world's behavior , but there is hope within me for a better tomorrow . That tomorrow involves our youth and their role in it . Why not help them along ?

All summer long , I've been running into our youth as they promoted the organizations they're involved in . Where ? On the street corners , of course ! Though , not the way you may think . 

An entire boy's basketball team collecting donations for uniforms , walking up and down between the cars as we await the light to        
   change . 

A car wash operated by a girl's youth group to raise money for an upcoming trip .

Two young girls standing by the entrance into a supermarket , collecting for Misericordia . 

Let's not forget the young girl downtown Chicago , holding up a " Jesus Loves You " poster to the ayes and nays of passing crowds and vehicles . 

Each time I ran across one of them , I felt inspired and proud . Seeing young teens volunteering and being involved in group activities offers a sense of hope . These are the next generation that will make or break our Country . It feels good to see them moving forward on a positive path . 

Feeling proud and inspired is not enough . We have to reach into our hearts and our pockets , supporting these youth groups so our children will have somewhere to go and learn about leadership . 

Unfortunately , very few people acknowledged these young people in each of the scenarios above  . Didn't even stop to add an encouraging word or two in their direction . We complain about our youth , yet when an opportunity presents itself to do something about it , we don't even bother to look . 

The next time you see a fundraiser supporting our children  , reach for those  couple of dollars you spend on your morning coffee and give . No change in  your wallet ? How about an encouraging word in their ear ? It's Monday , folks  . How are you going to start your week ?

Have a Blessed day everyone .

Questions Anyone ?

Here are more frequently asked questions :

1. What is " couch day " and " table day " mean ? 

People hear Emily and myself often make that reference . It refers to our meals . Emily has this desire to sit down at the table and eat supper with no television or any other electronics . Supper is to be family time and we are to behave as the family on " Full House ". 

Now that my children are grown , I prefer the leisure part of my life . I want to eat on the couch watching a favorite show once in a while , maybe  not even cook . 

Believe it or not , we actually had a blown out argument over this very subject , so a compromise was made . We alternate the days now ( don't laugh ) , one day is couch day and the next is table and so on .

2. Is Emily your only child ? 
This is funny . I have an older son , Joseph , who is married with two children  . I write about my daily life with cancer and trying to make sense of this journey that I'm on . Since he lives in Springfield we do not see each other on a daily basis . My stories are more based on my life here with Emily and the things we encounter as we co-habit  together . 

3. Which of the three treatments was the worst ? 
Honestly , this is very difficult to answer . I have had three treatments , but four types of chemo . Each type of chemo has the basic side effects such as nausea , metal mouth , fatigue etc . It also features a major side effect that only pertains  to that type of chemo  such as a low immune system , lowering of your blood count , affecting your heart/blood pressure , even sores  .  

Every treatment can have it's drawbacks , especially when they persist long term . So we experience nausea ( for instance ) every single day for what seems like a lifetime . Linda , has had chemo for a couple of years now  . Can you imagine  not being able to taste food in their natural flavors for that long ? How about diarrhea , constipation , baldness , tingling numbness in your feet and hands ? 

If I had to choose , I would select my last treatment as the most  intolerable . I experienced the sores all over my body , especially all the sensitive areas such as armpits , bottom of your feet etc . I chose to work during that time , which made it worse for me . My skin turned dark , looking as if I needed a bath . To this day , my skin is still dark in some areas . 

I hope this provides a small window into our lives and answers some of the questions you may have . 

Have a Blessed day everyone . 

A Journey Of Life

I have a story of a journey that we embark on from birth . This journey hasn't always been a smooth sailing one . At times , it has been bumpy , scary and has landed us on foreign soil . Yet , I never traveled it alone .

At each depot , people would depart or join in my adventures . Sometimes , it would seem that the seat beside me was empty and there was no one to walk with me . On my most difficult roads , I've asked someone special to go with me . 

" Jesus , would you walk with me ? " 

I hope you enjoy the following .

                                        

At birth we boarded the train and met our parents, and we believe they will always travel on our side. However, at some station our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone. As time goes by, other people will board the train; and they will be significant i.e. our siblings, friends, children, and even the love of our life.  Many will step down and leave a permanent vacuum.  Others will go so unnoticed that we don't realize that they vacated their seats!

This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, goodbyes, and farewells. Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers... requiring that we give the best of ourselves.

The mystery to everyone is: We do not know at which station we ourselves will step down. So, we must live in the best way -- love, forgive, and offer the best of who we are.

It is important to do this because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty -- we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of life.

I wish you a joyful journey for the coming year on the train of life.  Reap success and give lots of love. More importantly, thank God for the journey! 

Lastly, I thank you for being one of the passengers on my train!

Have a Blessed day everyone .