Looking Back

   What a beautiful , sunny day it is !!! A warm , sunny New Year's Eve ! Who would have thought it possible . It's ironic that it should be like this . I dreaded this day coming like something awful . The holidays itself  were very melancoly for me .
   I am a person who likes organization and planning . Before cancer , my whole life was planned out . It has been quite an adjustment living by the seat of my pants , not having control . It is what I wanted , isnt't it ? I wanted to trust God completely with my life . Well , there it is . Be careful what you ask for .
  This year , has started out so promising , so full of rainbows that for a minute I thought I was dreaming . This couldn't possibly be my life , right ? Alot of wonderful things happened to me this past year . My son got married and I gained a daughter-in-law and two beautiful grandchildren . I thank God for Marybeth Fisher sharing them with me .
   As great as the beginning was , all the way up to August , it ended with tower after tower tumbling down . Everything I touched lay in ruins . Talk about being attacked ! Nothing worked . I know what is happening . My faith is very strong . Discouragement just right around the corner . I know I have to wait this out . What more could possibly happen ? I know I am not the one in charge . I can try to manipulate , to alter , to change  anything I want but it won't work without HIS approval .
  As this year comes to a close in just a few hours , I feel  defeated and worn out . All I can do is give myself completely to Him . I can't make anything happen . I can't fix anything . I can only wait upon the Lord to show me where I'm to go .
   I have no idea what will happen in 2012 . I'm not even sure if I can handle it . But I do know that everywhere I do go , it's where I'm supposed to be . Happy New Year Everyone .
  

Let's Laugh A Little

Hello Everyone ,
                            I have not been feeling well these past few days . Nothing new there . I'm sure I'm sounding like a stuck record . Originally , I was going to write a different story  but considering how bleak these past few days have been , I'ld rather laugh instead . Tomorrow , we can cry together . Today , let's laugh instead to one of my favorite stories ever by the great Andy Rooney. Enjoy !!!


WHY OLDER CHICKS RULE by:Andy Rooney

 

As I grow in age,I value women who are over 40 most of all.Here are just a few reasons why:A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,"what are you thinking?"She doesn't care what you think.If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game,she doesn't sit around whining about it.She does something she wants to do.And,it's usually something more interesting.A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,what she is,what she wants and from whom.Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you think about her or what she's doing.Women over 40 are dignified.They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.Of course,if you deserve it,they won't hesitate to shoot you,if they think they can get away with it.Older women are generous with praise,often undeserved.They know what its like to be unappreciated.A women over 40 has the self assurance to introduce you to her women friends.A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.Women get psychic as they age.You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.They always know.A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick.This is not true of younger women.Once you get past a wrinkle or two,a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.Older women are forthright and honest.They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk,if you are acting like one.You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.Yes,we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.Unfortunately,it's not reciprocal.For every stunning,smart,well-coiffed hot woman of 40+,there is a bald,paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress.Ladies, I apologize.For all those men who say,"why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,"here's an update for you.Now 80% of women are against marriage,why?Because women realize its not worth buying an entire pig,just to get a little sausage.

Words Of Wisdom

  First of all , I want to thank everyone for all the kind words of encouragement and prayers that were sent my way yesterday . Yes , it was a very rough day , but I will get through it no matter how defeating I may sound .
  I ' m on my way back to the clinic today for my 24 hr.Neulasta shot for my white blood cell count . I'm trying my very best to stay focused on other things in my life . I have plenty to keep me busy . The problem is that when we don't feel well it affects our energy levels and we do nothing but lay around and think of all the pain . I don't want to do that anymore .
  Last night , I kept myself busy as best as I could . It helped alot . I have all these notes that I've made but never entered into a journal of some sorts . I spent the whole night working on it .
  Re-reading alot of these very personal and revealing  insights into life , I realized just how much of prayering I have done in my life . Alot of these prayers have come true . Another insight is how much I have grown and still need to grow . As I entered all of these private moments and thoughts into a journal for my children , I thought back to the day my son asked me what words of wisdom I wanted to share with him . That day was a day four years ago when things didn't look very promising regarding my health .
  His question really startled me because at that moment I couldn't think of anything to say . He caught me offguard . I don't have all the right answers to what life is about . I don't have the great words of wisdom to live by . I do have my journals , my blogs , my memories and they are welcome to them . Hopefully , they can find some comforting words in there somewhere when the time comes . If any of you could leave words of wisdom for your children , what would these words be ?

Grumpy Me

  It was chemo day today . I have begun to hate chemo day . Don't get me wrong , the nurses and staff are wonderful . It's just me . I'm tired of it all .
   I have to take these steroids for a couple of days before chemo . They give me a reaction . I turn beet red in the face and neck . It will wear off after a week . I swear it also bloats my face and my stomach . This morning ,  I was so bloated I couldn't fasten my pants . When we got there , I looked around and noone else has this problem . The waiting room was filled with normal looking people ........except me . I'm the only one with that darn red face . It is so embarrassing . Then the hot flashes . I was burning up . I felt like my face was on fire .
   I sat  there , taking in my infusion  , bloated sky high . I felt like I would burst  if I didn't burp soon . It's 7:30 pm and I'm still waiting to burp .  Driving home , I could feel that metal taste in my mouth come a whole day early . Lucky me . Next , the good ole nausea , constipation , diahhrea and my favorite  vomiting . It's gonna be a long night .
  I can't take this any longer . Today , I felt like getting up and walking out  and never coming back again . What is the point of all of this ? Six months ? A whole year ? How long until it comes back again ?  I  have another two months of this  and I don't think I can handle it . I'm feeling very tired suddenly . I need to go lay down .
  

Emotions , Emotions

   Why am I so emotional ? It didn't start now , either , I have been this way from the minute I found out my cancer came back . I asked  my friend Linda ,  why she cries all the time and she doesn't know either . I hate being this way , tearing up at every little thing .
    I cry when I hear a song on the radio . I cry while watching a show or movie . I cry when I think of the past , the present and the future . I cry when people write me or speak to me . I cry in anger , in happiness and in sadness . I cry for no reason at all . I cry when I think about people who find issues with me . When they don't want to hear what I have to say . I cry when people are mean to me for no reason .
   I cry in the car alot . In fact , I do alot of things while driving .I pray out loud . I talk out loud to myself . Yes , I'm nuts . Lately , I find myself crying and thinking alot while trying to go to sleep . The crying has invaded my sleep time . Sleep has been hard . Alot of tossing and turning .
   We have a Polish tradition that on Christmas Eve , the way your day goes that's how the New Year  will be . My Christmas has been very emotional . Some good , some bad , some sad , some happy but teary . I guess , I will be teary all year .
  I will tell you , this Season , was wonderful . I have children who love me no matter what . I have great friends that support me during this illness . My family is there , all I have to do is whistle . My work associates have continously written or called me . Yet , I have spent buckets crying .My face is red not just from the steroids .
  All my life , I've always held this work ethic that whatever was set in front of me , with hard work and patience , I could overcome it . Conquer it and move on to the next . How do I conquer this ? I thought I conquered it before . It just keeps coming back .Here , I 'm crying again .I have my faith . I have my God ,  but I don't want to  keep fighting this over and over again . Oh , this is gonna be an emotional day .

The Great Pretender

      Wherever and whoever I meet all tell me the same thing .. . . . . how great I look . They love what I do with my scarves ; they love my positive , upbeat , sarcastic attitude ; they love my honesty . Little do these people know that I'm the great pretender . I only tell people 90 % of what I feel or what I'm going through .
    Four years ago , there was a day where I just felt worn out . Felt like I couldn't handle another day in pain . At that time , one of my girlfriends called me to see how I was feeling . Well , I burst out crying  and ended up telling her exactly how I felt . There are times where all the pain leaves you feeling like you should just die . In fact , you ask God to take you . That was my day back then .
  For the next several hours , I had one phone call after the other from friends cheering me on and telling me how I should stay positive . Only way to beat this thing , Lottie . I found out later that my friend called all our mutual friends about my little breakdown . She thought I was suicidal and just gave up .
  To this day , I never tell people really how I feel . I would never harm myself . I don't have the nerve nor am I that brave . I'm too scared of God  and what He would do to me  if I did . My point is that from that day forth I realized I really can't be too honest . People really mean well . They , too , are in pain right along with me and can't handle my disease . If I'm happy that signals to them everything is well . When I'm upset , well , you get the picture .
  This month , this week  especially , I have been not feeling well nor have I been very positive or upbeat . Sometimes , I think if these people only knew how fake I really am . I just don't want anyone to think that I'm on cloud nine . Sometimes you have to read between the lines . Remember .....I'm the great  pretender .

My Family Tree

      Since I had ovarian cancer at the age of 42 , my doctor felt it might be genetic and sent me to a doctor that specializes in that field . Sitting down with this young woman , we went over my family tree as far as I could remember . The women in  my family live well into their 90's .. . . . . .except me . I won't live that long .
     There was only one incident  of a  death from a " WOMEN'S PROBLEM "  and that was my grandmother's sister  who died at the age of 48 . No one else . As I listened to her explaining hereditary and genetics being different , I couldn't stop looking at that family tree . From my great aunt Emily to me ,  there is such a huge gap . How did I get so lucky ? How did she get it ?
     Now , they tested me for the BRAC 1 and 2 gene . Since I have ovarian  , I'm also susceptible to breast cancer . My risk has increased greatly more than the average woman . My cancer , or more directly , my results will greatly impact my family tree .
   The only good thing out of this is that the next generation in my family tree will know the risks they carry and prepare themselves and their bodies . Knowledge is power . My daughter can , hopefully , use preventive medicine so she can avoid this from happening to her . Her actions  can change the family tree .