For A Moment

 

                            Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

The souls most precious to us here

    May from this home have fled;
  But still we make one household dear;
    One Lord is still our head.
  Midst cherubim and seraphim
    They mind their Lord's affairs;
  Oh! if we bring our work to Him
    Our work is one with theirs.
T. H. GILL

This year as we try to come back to some normalcy, I decided to make sure all of my screenings have been up to date. Covid19 sort of placed everything on hold and it was time we began living our lives. My oncologist visit went well as did my Ct. scan. Next, mammogram screening. 

It came as no surprise to me that I needed further diagnostic testing on my breast. This has been occurring for years now. The same breast and in the same spot. I think I even mentioned it at my screening. No worries.

I headed out for an early appointment expecting to be done right away. I mean, I have been through these exams often in the past. It wasn't quite like that. After the diagnostic imaging, I waited for the doctor to read the scans. After a few minutes, they called me in for more images to be taken. No problem. Again, I'm waiting. They came back again wanting to do an ultra sound. No problem. Again, I'm waiting. The doctor comes in himself wanting to do the ultra sound himself. 

Really? I was fine until he came in himself. That has never happened before. Just for a moment I thought to myself that perhaps there might be a problem. My ovarian always came back in the same place and the treatment was pretty much routine. Breast cancer . . . . .that's a game changer. Breast cancer metastasizes into something else. 

Hmm, I turned my head to glance at the white lines on the screen that caused them so much concern. So tiny, so faint. Hmm, I might have to hurry up with these yarn donations of mine. 

It's funny the thoughts that enter our head. I was not worried, anxious, upset. I was more concerned that I still had so much more to do here before I go. I thought about all the people who have been told nothing else could be done. What were their thoughts? How did they feel?

"Well, Ms. Krol, I think it's just tissue. We'll see you same time next year."

Just like that all thoughts left and I smiled. 

Have a blessed day everyone.

An Unfortunate Set Of Events

 

                             Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

Drop Thy still dews of quietness,

Till all our strivings cease;
Take from our souls the strain and stress,
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of Thy peace.
J. G. WHITTIER.

There's something in the air.

It's a full moon tonight.

The planets and stars are not aligned right. 

When it rains it pours.

There's a black cloud over my head.

Ever have a week where absolutely nothing went according to plan? A week where obstacles have been left in your path and you are feeling frustrated as to what is happening. Yeah, been there, done that. So why am I not an expert at handling it? Why? Who wants to become an expert at that?

Let me tell you about my week. 

We brought home another kitten about 7 weeks old (Isabella) as a playmate for our 3 month old (Savannah). We were so excited all the way home and couldn't wait to get these two together. A little family. Well, that's not what happened. Savannah took one look at Isabella still inside the carrier and every hair on her body stood up. What followed was an agonizing day of trying to get them together. We googled info and called our friends all to no avail. Nothing worked. Not even separate food, water and litter boxes. Savannah was hissing, growling and even trying to pounce on her. In the end, we separated them with Isabella residing inside my bedroom. 

The next day, after Church, I decided that since we were so distraught and exhausted from our cat ordeal, we would order out instead of cooking. Anyway, I needed to lay down and get some sleep since I was doing overnight. Of course, the internet was buffering like crazy. Then I placed my order online and clicked by accident pickup instead of delivery. Before I could do anything, the order was sent, because suddenly the internet wanted to work. I tried calling the place to have them change it, but no there was nothing they could do to fix it. I would have to order again. Well, I already paid for it. 

Off I went, fuming. What was the point of me ordering out if I had to pick it up? The GPS sent me to the wrong address. By then, I just wanted to cry. I was tired, hungry and emotionally drained. I did finally find it, went home to eat and did manage about 2 1/2 hours of sleep before heading out to work. 

Day three, some good news for a change. The mattress that we ordered would be delivered next week. They will arrive sometime between 8 a.m.- 2 p.m. which was perfect since we both were working 2nd shift that day. Off to work I went only to find that one of the washing machines was out of order and another was acting up. At least, our free lunch smelled heavenly as I passed in the halls. Ah, she was cooking up roast beef for sandwiches. Fresh roast beef. At lunchtime, my belly was looking forward to that roast beef. She handed me a plate with a grilled ham and cheese sandwich. The roast beef was for tomorrow. 

Got up the next morning determined to enjoy my day off. I had only one appointment at the vet with Isabella and that was at 9 a.m. The rest of the day would be mine. Everything went well until I noticed there was a message on my phone. It was the mattress people to confirm the delivery for next week between 3 and 7 p.m. What? No way. Why did they change it?

I called them to change the time to morning like before and then it begins. They cannot guarantee a specific time. Can we change the day then? We only come into your area on Thursday. But there will be no one here. I am sorry, but I cannot guarantee specific time and date. So in other words, the mattress that I ordered June 14 and was to be delivered on July 14 would be finally here on the 29th on a day that no one would be home and there was nothing I could do about it? I would have to take a day off from work with no pay to sit around waiting for them to come?

Sigh. So I did what every normal person would do in my position. I took off my Christian hat and let them know how unhappy I was with their customer service. I think I did pretty good, there was no cussing, but I did hang up the phone. I will not ever give them my business again. 

While I was in Church, I realized something extremely important. I need Jesus. I need Him for not just the big things in my life, but also for all the minor irritations of daily living. Life can be beautiful, but it is also full of frustrations that will send you on your knees by the Cross. The older I get, the more I depend on Him. Good times, bad times will come and go, but my relationship with Jesus only deepen. I am so grateful for that.

Have a blessed day everyone. 

Year Of The Aches

                           Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

 O Breath from out the Eternal Silence! blow

Softly upon our spirits' barren ground;
The precious fulness of our God bestow,
That fruits of faith, love, reverence may abound.
G. TERSTEEGEN

Getting up from bed this morning, I winced with pain. My joints haven't been cooperating. Oh, I know it comes with our age, you don't have to remind me. Yet, it seems this year has been worse than before. There have been a few things that have attributed to the extra aches in my body.

On Easter Sunday, I had a fall right off the sanctuary. So glad that everyone was already outside collecting Easter eggs and didn't have the privilege of witnessing my disgrace. Only three steps going up and down. Three steps. When my foot touched that second step, the wrong way, I went flying facedown onto the carpeted floor. I shall make a point not to complain about the carpeting again, lol.

I could see myself falling and I knew it would hurt. My entire left side ached with pain for days after. It was my left foot that gave me the most pain. By the time I arrived home, it was swollen and I could not walk on it. It wasn't broken. I spent days with my foot up, ice pack on and then go off to work, come back to repeat the same process over again. 

I noticed yesterday, that I haven't been in any kind of pain in that foot for awhile. Praise God that is over. 

Not too long ago, it was announced at my job from Corporate that we had to take the vaccine if we wanted to remain working there. So off I went to get vaccinated. Good Lord! My arms ached so bad! The ache was deep inside my socket and it didn't go away after a couple of days. I dreaded my second shot, vowing that this would be the absolute last time I was getting this vaccine. Next year, if it's a requirement again, I'm quitting. I wonder how long it will be before this ache goes away for good!

The third factor attributing to all my joint pain is the weather. Like my son loves to say, it has been raining 40 days and 40 nights like in the times of Noah. It's raining now. It rained last night. It rained the day before and it will rain tomorrow. Rain.

Of course, there is age, too. I joke around that my body is like a locomotive. I start off real slow, but pick up speed as I go. I think the biggest thing to keep in mind is movement. We need to keep moving and stretching. I do like to stretch lying down. It feels so, so good. Of course, the occasional massage helps, too!

Have a blessed day everyone. 

Lost In My Thoughts

  

             Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey. 

Thy secret judgment's depths profound

    Still sings the silent night;
  The day, upon his golden round,
    Thy pity infinite.
I. WILLIAMS. Tr. from Latin

It was a lazy day today. I awakened very early way before the Sun came up and yet, I didn't get up until hours later. I had no energy, no sense of urgency of any kind. All I wanted was to stay in doing absolutely nothing.

All day long, I moved slowly, lost in my own thoughts. Sometimes, we live more in our heads than in the surroundings around us. We keep going back to days of old, whether good or bad has no significance. We keep replaying events in our minds from years ago. Remembering. Reminiscing. Reliving.

I love these quiet days, because we need to remember and process the daily occurrences in our life. We rush around so much from work to stores to activities as if we were on fire. The days . . . . they just pass by so quickly. What happened to this month? This year?

I moved throughout my day dressed in mismatched, comfy clothes secretly hoping no one comes a knocking. Could I freeze this day until further notice? Could I pull it out of my pocket whenever I needed a refresher? A peace fix?

There are times where I could sit still, sipping my coffee or tea, staring at the wall completely at peace. Does that sound insane? Does our mind need to be thinking all the time? Can we just sit still and be?

 It is so relaxing to take in all the sounds around us. The birds singing outside. The coffee machine perking away as the scent of fresh coffee fills the air. The sound of a lawn mower in the distance. One could close their eyes and imagine a scene without any words at all. 

Solitude. Silence. Thoughts. It can be so relaxing to do absolutely nothing, but take in the world around us. My late grandma Bernice often would sit outside for hours just watching and listening. I so understand now the why. The reasoning behind it. Oh, how we need days such as this one. Bask in them. Embrace them for they are so rare.

Have a blessed day everyone. 

Simply Grace

                         Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey. 

 It is not happiness I seek,

Its name I hardly dare to speak;
It is not made for man or earth,
And Heaven alone can give it birth.

There is a something sweet and pure,
Through life, through death it may endure;
With steady foot I onward press,
And long to win that Blessedness.
LOUISA J. HALL.

It's been a good month since my oncologist visit and I still am in a bit of a shock. Don't misunderstand me. The results couldn't be better. In fact, they were the best news I have had since being diagnosed 14 years ago. I am fast approaching the longest remission to date. Yes, my remission.

What does one do with that fact? All I have known for over a decade are tests, treatments and more tests and more treatments. This? This is something totally new and I don't know how to process it.

All of a sudden, I have become a survivor. Another bend in the road. Another journey to explore and learn. Perhaps another role to play? Another something.

In a way, I feel naked and vulnerable. This is all I know. It has taken me that long to find out who I was and who I was meant to be. I stare in the mirror and ask what now? Since then, I have built up a blog, a Ministry, a purpose. Does all of this just dissolve, because the cancer is not here? 

When I found out that I had cancer, I never asked God the why. I always thought I wasn't worthy to ask Him the why. Fourteen years later and I still feel the same. I know it's very hard for people to understand, but I have made numerous bad decisions in my life. The fact that He gave me a second chance, His Grace was bestowed on me, but I never deserved it. I accepted my condition long ago, so the why never mattered.

I have no idea what my new path will lead to in my life. God must have some sort of plan for me that I yet have to discover. God's Grace has no boundaries, no limits and for that, I am very grateful. 

Have a blessed day everyone. 

A Quiet In The Storm

 

                                Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

Oh, dream no more of quiet life;

Care finds the careless out; more wise to vow
Thy heart entire to faith's pure strife;
So peace will come, thou knowest not when or how.
LYRA APOSTOLICA

We have a family of ducks at work that have been sort of adopted by the facility. We feed them and kind of watch over them. One night, while we were going through several days of storms, I took a peek outside to check on the weather. Pouring rain, lightening flashing! The area looked a bit flooded. Right in the middle of that flood were the ducks splashing about, wings flapping and quacking away as loudly as they could. They were having a ball!

They did not care about the storm that was raging, they were filled with enjoyment of the special gift given to them. 

I stopped and watched them frolic with complete Joy, completely unaware and uncaring at what was going on around them. Oh, to be more like them. Not afraid. Not worried. No anxiety. No, they were living life! 

I have struggled with all three for majority of my life. Fear kept me from boldly living and experiencing all life had to offer. I worried about yesterday, the present and mostly the future, even though many of these things didn't even occur. Anxiety? I would be strung up that I couldn't sleep or eat whenever some new experience came my way. I filled my mind with why, what if, could be, might happen. Worse case scenarios played out regularly in my thoughts and upset stomachs were the norm. 

What did any of that get me? Only cancer. 

Whenever I say that having cancer was the best thing that ever happened to me, well, people look at me weird. How could that be? It changed the importance of my priorities. The people I love and care about vs. immaterial things. I want to live the life of those ducks amidst the storm. It's not easy to do, but it is definitely worth the try. My past was filled with fear trumping faith, Now, faith trumps fear. worry and anxiety. I will keep on trying until I get it right and so should you. 

Have a blessed day everyone. 

Just Breathe

                        Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey. 

Lord, I my vows to Thee renew;

Disperse my sins as morning dew;
Guard my first springs of thought and will,
And with Thyself my spirit fill.
THOMAS KEN.

Time is a precious thing. We cannot get time back whenever we waste it. Working in a senior facility, I often hear the regret in their lives, the missed opportunities and the lack of forgiveness of past hurts. So many regrets all because we lacked judgment of prioritizing what was important.

I have to constantly remind myself to stop and smell the roses or look up at the beautiful sky to admire the handiwork of God. Believe it or not, it's quite hard for me. I fill my plate to hold as much as it can. It's how I am built, but I do understand the importance of resting and being present in the moment.

Finding that perfect balance where we can just breathe is difficult. We face so many stressful situations in just our daily life. There is an aura in the air of busyness, an on the go lifestyle. Social media runs our life where we see people living the life we always wanted or it may just seem like it. Behind that picture lies a whole other kind of story. We see that post and think we need to be just as active. Social media traps us every time.

So how do I find that balance? Honestly, I struggle like the rest of you. In my mind, I have an entirely different scene of how I think my life plays out. Oh yes, I sit on that porch or patio drinking in the morning sunshine as I sip my coffee. I turn my face upwards to feel the warmth of the day. Breathe. Just breathe.

It's all a lie. It's a rare day indeed that I can live out that fantasy. My days are too full with stuff, just plain ole stuff. Oh, I find excuses to explain myself as well. Yet, I yearn for that porch, that warmth. Oh, how I yearn!

When that moment comes, I breathe in all that sunshine around me. I close my eyes and take a deep, deep breath, exhaling as I open them once more. Life is good. God is good. Just don't forget to breathe.

Have a blessed day everyone.