Praise The Lord

     Someone very dear to me , gave me a book four years ago , " 90 Minutes In Heaven ". That book changed my life . No book has ever meant more to me than this one . It dealt with the different changes and emotions we experience as we deal with an illness .
     I remember a certain chapter ,  where the author had a hard time dealing with accepting how his body changed after his recovery . It dealt with his limitations . I feel so naivee whenever I remember my reaction about his feelings on that subject . I just couldn't understand why he was having such a hard time . I believe it took him like three years to accept his new life .  Now , it just makes me smile . It's been almost 5 years for me and I still can't accept my limitations .
    The funny thing is , this time , some other  dear person gave me another book to read . This one is called , " 31 Days Of Praise ". I seem to have a thing for numbers .
      As I started my first chapter , I feel an excitement rushing through me . Let me read you a sentence : " And whether you're a beginner or someone who has long understood the benefits of praise , you'll find that the more you glorify the Lord , the more He will refresh you and deepen your experience of Him ".
     I know it will be a great book and I know it will change my life .
  

Once Upon A Time

 Once upon a time
there was a middle aged woman
all sick and frail
whose biggest fear
was weighing upon the scale
after much wear and tear
upon her body and soul
her heart called out
let's runaway and explore
where shall we go ?
to the country , to the country
let it be so
where the trees grow tall
and wildflowers roam
where there is no wall
built around her soul
she can run around free
drinking her tea
taking naps under a tree
and come Sunday morn
off to Church she goes
singing praise and thanks
to the One
who gave her life
each day once more

A Fork In The Road

  I had a very interesting conversation with one of my sister-in-laws . I have no idea how we got on the subject of life and death . I made a comment to her how I felt like I wasn't going back to work . That on my last day there , I felt like I was saying goodbye for the last time . She , of course , asked me if I thought I would die .
   I don't know if I will die . What I meant is that I feel like my purpose here is over . That there is something different ....a new life...a new purpose ....a new beginning .Whether that is here on this earth , I don't know . I just know that life as I know it ,  is over for me . There is a fork in the road .
  She told me that it looked like I made peace with my condition this time . No , I didn't . When I first found out , I burst out crying in front of the doctor . I wasn't expecting to hear anything like that . So what changed ? I don't know . Maybe , this blog . Making fun of it . Writing about  it . Not sure really how or when it happened . But I am at peace .
   I used to worry about my children . We are very close and I have a special relationship with both of them . My death will be very dramatic for them . Somehow , I know they will be okay . Maybe , it will bring them closer . My Joe has his wife , Aubrey . I just need to find a husband for Emily ....

   I'm almost ashamed to admit ........but.....I really miss my hair .
   With all the struggles I dealt with in these 4 yrs.  concerning my appearance , I really loved my hair . Over the years , our hair goes through so much damage with all the blow drying , curling irons , frostings , dying , etc. My hair was baby new . It came back thick , wavy and baby fine ! I loved it .Even the color was fantastic . People thought I dyed my hair and wanted to know  the color . I felt beautiful .
   Yesterday , as I was getting ready for our Thanksgiving Dinner , I missed all that fussing we women do with our hair . I was ready  in like 10 minutes . I wear my scarves in different , fashionable ways so I don't feel unattractive ......so I don't look so much of a cancer patient .
   We are such vain people . I never considered myself a vain person but I am one . I learned  something about myself . I care alot about my appearance . I may not look like I care , but I really do . Believe me , so would you if you lost your hair .
   The things I'm finding out about myself during this journey . Very unpleasant .
  

Has Anyone Seen My Identity ?

   These past few days have been quite nice . Even though , some of my blogs might have seemed to be a little " depressing ", it still has been nice to have some quiet time to think . To reflect and regroup . You can find out alot about yourself .
   Years  ago , I would clean out my closets and drawers whenever I felt overwhelmed with life . It felt like I was cleaning up  and organizing my life . Well , it doesn't work this time . One of the reasons why I feel so disappointed in my cancer returning is because I'm afraid of losing my identity .
   These past 4 years have not been easy for me . While everyone was extremely happy my cancer was in remission , I on the other hand , struggled emotionally with the aftermath of cancer . The person I saw in the mirror didn't resemble anyone I knew . The person on the inside definitely didn't match either . It really was a struggle to adjust to living .
    People were like , you can live your life now , but how can you do that after you just experienced the most dramatic event of your life . Let's not forget the limitations your body develops . You have become the dependent vs. the independent . Quite a life adjustment .
   I was just getting used to the person I've become . Just accepting and actually liking who I have become . That really ticks me off . Who wants to do all that work again . Here we go . Who will I become now ?

Dying

     Dying
             ( Cease to be alive . Cease to exist or function . Fade away .)
    What a funny definition of death . We stop existing , functioning and we fade away . Poof ! Like we never been here . It makes it sound like we disappear and all our existence is erased .
    As you can see , I have been thinking alot about death . Not in a morbid sort of way .I've been thinking of the different aspects of death . We use that word to mean so many different things. We are dying for a piece of chocolate . Our relationship is dying . My body is dying . I'm dying spiritually inside .
   There are so many ways to die. We can die quickly , painfully , long suffering illnesses  and self -induced ways . We all hope of dying in our sleep . We're cowards like that . I've always been in awe of people who take their own life . I'm too scared of God and His wrath to do that . But honestly , I'm also scared of messing it up and then I might end up in a wheelchair or brain dead . I'll be worse off than before .
   We plan our own funerals . We want to be dressed in certain clothes . Our hair done a certain way . My mom wants her hairdresser to do her hair not the mortician . I would have loved to seen her face when she told her that . We want certain type of songs played . Some of us even want a certain type of reaction from our loved ones . There better be plenty of crying ! We also should have a certain expression that conveys suffering . Let's not forget the black clothes . Anyone not adhering to any of these rituals and traditions is just plain not sorry that the person is gone .
  What to do with all personal items of the deceased ?  Some of us spend our whole life collecting possessions  and they mean so much to us . Upon our death ,  our relatives either throw them away  or spend years in court fighting over . Wouldn't it be better to give it away ahead of time ?
  Some of us have special requests that we make of our loved ones upon our death . We give them suggestions on how they should dispense  our money . They may not know how to spend it . We're just trying to help . How many times they should come and visit our grave . Make sure there are pretty flowers and the candle is lit . I might get lost when I'm wandering about .
  There's so much to think about when it comes to dying.....what do I want ? Well , that's another blog .

More God Moments

    These God Moments seemed to touch a chord in people . I open my e-mail and its full of inspirational stories and songs . Even at the Wedding on Sunday , I was given inspirational stories that were found in a magazine . Obviously , people want to HOPE . So once again .....more God Moments.


MONTCLARE

 

I have have a bad week and decided to lean on the Lord and youtube for Hope.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Y1wtgLAytA&feature=related

I found myself playing this one again and again. This may not be what you had in mind, but this is how I dealt with my pain and found relief.

 

Hallelujah Jesus saves

 

MELROSE PARK

In 2005 Nite Life Cafe was New Life Melrose saturday nite service. Being a single mom I was there anxious, fretting over the troubles that the next week would bring. While there.....I shook someones hand - there was a Twenty in it. A friend showed up with some clothes for me - (we had been trying to meet up for months)  Another friend went fishing, and shared what she caught, with some other food also. Another sister handed my popcorn balls - we laughed since we hadn't had any since we were kids :)  Before I  left that nite another dear friend called and invited us for dinner after church. 

    Yahweh Yireh    Praise Your Name  This has been a constant reminder that I am the Apple of His eye, and to cast all my cares upon God.  O how He loves us, O how He loves!!

 

MONTCLARE

just one more

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNeZIcYl3qY&feature=related

 

Dark Shadows All Around Me

   My mood is a dark one . I feel that something has been chasing me ....a dark shadow ...something I can't quite pinpoint . It keeps following me around , taunting me , playing elusive games with me . Just when I think I can turn around fast enough to see what is behind me......I find IT is faster than me .
   Eversince , this past chemo , I've been feeling this dread . Never ,  have I ever felt so bad after a treatment like now . I feel sick and exhausted......WEAK . I feel weak . I put on a big front , but honestly , I hate this . I'm tired of this road .
   Someone at the wedding yesterday , another cancer survivor , made a remark how he is waiting for the cancer to return , because it will come . Maybe , this dark shadow , is that cancer . I will not be able to kill it , only subdue it . It will always be lurking in the shadows waiting to jump me . To overtake me . It's like living a life on the run . Who wants to live like  that ?
   Somehow I have to make friends with it . Learn to accept it for what it is . But not right now . Now all I want is to live in my quite little place , not seeing anyone , not talking to anyone . Right now , I yearn for the quiet . I yearn for the fantasy ....

THE SHUT IN by:Nellie De Hearn

she lives a prisoner within

the four bare walls of her poor room
in the bright world she walks no more
yet cheerfully accepts her doom
and holds that life is very sweet
as eager she looks and sees
the golden sunlight daily creep
into her room
and with it weaves
fantastic dreams of rosy hue
delightful things
in which she sees
the sparkling earth bedecked with dew
green hills and vales and stately trees
she lives a prisoner
and yet
she gets more out of life than we
who walks bowed down with care
and fret
for things we are too blind to see

Nostalgic

  Back in March , my son got married and started a chain of events that propelled our family on the road of re-discovery of each other . From that point on , the family had a full agenda of marriage proposals , wedding showers  and weddings . My time was spent traveling from Michigan to Indiana to Wisconsin and Springfield . We, as a  family ,  have never had such a whirlwind of events .
  My son started it and my niece ended it . Today is her Wedding Day . I know that it will be a while before another year like this one .
  I was up all night , tossing and turning , thinking of my life . It is always so much harder when the girl gets married . It takes a girl to understand a girl . I thought of all the couples that got married this year . The new life they have started as a couple...as a family . I thought of how my family enjoyed themselves at each Wedding . How much closer we have become . How I didn't want the closeness to end .
  I thought how happy they all looked on their Special Day  and I realized that I never looked like that . I thought of all the things that I have done wrong . All the things I wish I had done differently . I made plenty of mistakes . As the hours ticked away , my life flashed before me .One episode after another .I can't change what happened behind me , I can only change what happens in front of me .
  Who wouldn't want to start their life over again ? We all wish we could . We all have regrets . I know I do . I thought of all the things I wish I could say to these couples but somehow can't find the right words . What am I really nostalgic for ? My life ? Or her future ?
  I send her a text congratulating her on this special day. Her reply ? "Yes, God has been good to me ".

God Moments

   Well , everyone , here are some God Moments . I hope you find them inspirational as much as I did .

Random Lake , Wisconsin
I had all 4 of my children in our old station wagon.    We were going to the library in Random Lake.   We had to cross a two lane, busy, highway.   I stopped at the proper place and then proceeded to cross the highway.   However, the car quit right there in the middle of the road.   I tried and tried to get it started.  It just clicked and clicked, but didn't fire up.   I looked to my right and saw a car coming in that same lane.   I tried again and still the car wouldn't start.   I just breathed a prayer "God help us".  When I looked again there was a policeman and he had poistioned himself in the right lane and turned on his emergency lights and that car stopped.  

The officer came to us and asked what was the matter.   By then I was crying and told him I just couldn't get the car started.   He just told me to take the car home and have my husband fix it.   I said "Yes, I will" and with that I turned the key and the car started right up.  

God is the only one who culd have had thta policeman at that psot at the very time we needed him and also helped get the car started again right then.

That is the God Moment that I remembered as soon as I read Lottie's request.   Praise His Name!!

 

Savoy , Illinois

The Lord is My Defender

I was a babe in the Lord, and a newly divorced single mother of four young children. When I look back, I realize how mercifully and tenderly God walked with me through the nightmare of those painful days.

Trying to raise four children on a very meager $8 an hour job, quickly brought me to the brink of disaster. My ex-husband, financially secure and reveling in his newly minted play-boy life style, glanced at the situation and saw his opportunity to end the burden of paying child support. He sued me for full custody of our children, something he knew I would never voluntarily allow.

He had the financial resources and the connections to hire the best attorney in town. I had no resources to hire an attorney at all. In complete ignorance of the way the legal system worked, I thought I would just go to court and I would be assigned an attorney, since I didn't have one! I didn't know this only applied to criminal cases – not child custody battles. He taunted me in the days leading up to the court appearance that I should just not even bother showing up – I didn't stand a chance of winning since he was a well-respected professional in the community and I was a 'nobody'. Even though I was intimidated by the whole court scene, I had no intention of walking away from my children without a fight. He should have known me better than that.

Behind all of the saber rattling from my ex-husband, I turned to the only source I knew for help – the Lord. With all of the excitement and passion of most new born babes in the Lord, I 'ate' the Word of God like a starving woman – I simply could not get enough of the Word. I was desperate for God. I knew it and He knew it. I told Him every day. 'I need You, Lord, I need You. Every hour, I need you...'

On the day of the court hearing, I went to court with my knees knocking and my hands trembling. I was aware that I was vulnerable and could lose custody of my children – many of my friends had done just that. This was a crucial turning point in my life and theirs. I walked into court alone. Except for the Lord...

I sat in a back row and watched as one case after another (all custody hearings) were called before the court. One after another, I saw the judge rule in favor of the one parent that had shown up in court. There was no contest. The parent that didn't show automatically gave away the children to the other parent. It was chilling to me and heartbreaking that a parent would dispatch his or her children so easily. Suddenly, my name was called and I approached the bench, as my husband and his high priced attorney jaunted forward, seemingly so sure of themselves that they were almost laughing on the way up the aisle to the bench.

Almost before my name was read, my ex-husband's attorney announced that I should lose custody of my children because of my inability to provide for them adequately. My ex-husband quickly added that he had brought witnesses with him that could testify to my inadequacy as a mother. Before he finished his sentence the judge slammed the gavel down, silencing the verbal onslaught from my husband and his attorney. Leaning over his desk and looking at me directly, I heard this judge ask me in a voice dripping with compassion, “Honey, do you want your children?” Answering immediately, all I said was “Yes, Your Honor, I do.” My ex-husband interrupted quickly to remind the judge again that he had brought witnesses with him to speak against me as a fit mother. The judge glared at him over the desk, and advised him sternly not to interrupt again or he would be found in contempt of court. Once again leaning over the bench like an affectionate father, he advised me that 'this man' (my ex-husband) might push this as far as it could go and, in the event that he should bring me back to court again, I should look into finding a lawyer to represent me well. Ending by smiling at me with a look of understanding and wisdom as to the game that was being played, he slammed the gavel down once again and ordered that the children be returned to me immediately as their mother.

I have never forgotten that day. I knew that God had gone into the court room with me and, against all human odds, had presided over the court proceedings on my behalf. He had placed a judge on the bench that saw through the facade of money and prestige that my ex-husband thought would win the day. I had no lawyer. I had no money. I had no knowledge of the court system and how it worked. All I had was The Lord. He showed up that day and fought or me. I had met my Defender.  And He was all I needed...

Des Plaines , Illinois
Hi. As you know my husband had a stroke. The miracle here is that he was not suppose to live. Its been over a year now and the drs and specialist are still talking about he's not suppose to be here. I believe the  GOD moment is that someone told me to call 911 when I did.  To me he just seemed sick. he was throwing up. But something inside my head told me to call 911. They told me in the ER that if I didnt call when i did he wouldve never made it to the hospital. Even all along his recovery, they were telling me he was paralyzed on the right side, hes not, hes paralyzed on the left side, not. They told me his eyes were paralyzed and he would be blind. Not. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. Today my husband is home, hes talking (with a slur but you can understand everything he says). He walks with a walker but is still learning to walk. I felt GOD with me the whole time. And still. I believed in GOD before, but now its a whole new faith I have. They tell me at the hospital they use his story as a inspiration story to other patients and Loved ones.  He is still learning and progressing. We don't know how much further he is going to recuperate, but as long as i keep seeing improvement, I will learn right along with him.

 

My Top Ten List

    Since this is my second bout with cancer ,  I have discovered that I have a routine , a repetition of  things that I only do when I have cancer . This just came to me yesterday in the waiting room . Funny , the things we think about when we have time . Here is my top ten list of things I only do when I have cancer.

10. I found that I have great patience when I have cancer . I can sit in the doctor's waiting room without a complaint . I also found that as soon as the cancer goes in remission , so does my patience .
9. I have also found that I can out burp , out belch and pass gas better than any sailor out there . Come on  , challenge me !
8. Another great accomplishment ....I can crochet like a mad woman !!! I can whip out blankets faster than a rabbit can have babies !
7. I also have found that I have a whole collection of books , journals and puzzles of every kind you can imagine that I only take out during cancer and doctor visits . Seriously .
6. I have found that I do not screen my calls but answer every single one . I write letters and remember everyone's birthday . I send out e-mails . I answer e-mails .
5. I have found that I accept every invitation sent my way . A baby shower ? I'm coming . A potluck dinner ? I'll be there . If you don't see me at a function , it just means I went somewhere else .
4. I have found that I have become a Reality T.V. junkie . I'm just glued to People's Court . I mean where else would I have learned the phrase ,"stick a fork in me ...I'm done ." Then there is Hoarders .Yeah! I'm mean , it's a relief that someone else's house is messier than mine . Then there is Toddlers and Tiaras . Certainly makes me feel like a better mom . But my all time favorite happens to be Storage Wars. I have no idea why I love this , but I do .
3. I have found that I love and appreciate my family more .I see them through rose colored glasses . Things that would annoy before seem to stop when my cancer comes back . I'm sure the minute I go into remission those rose colored glasses will develop a crack .
2. I have also noticed that the devil follows me around more trying to cause havoc and discouragement . When he does , there is always someone who calls , or writes or sends a card to cheer me up . So he really never catches me . Ha !
1. Now here's my favorite thing I found about having cancer . I do not have to pluck , shave or wax anything on my body ! Yeah , that deserves a number one.

  

I Have A Request

   Whatever my plans for the blog were today, they  will have to go on hold . I have other pressing issues to bring up . I received a phone call this evening that certainly was a " God Moment ". I could not get this event out of my head . It made me realize something very important .
    People  tell me how positive I am during this journey of mine , but this is a lie . This is a facade , but that's another story .....another time . It did alter how I felt . It uplifted my spirits . Here I was laying down after just coming home from my chemo and I was dead tired . I mean my body actually felt like dead weight . I just hit the bed and didn ' t move . The whole time I'm thinking how in the world am I going to perform all my duties for the next two weeks . This chemo took everything out of me .
   This " God Moment " changed all that . Then I started remembering the many " God Moments " in my life  and how they re-affirmed my faith . I thought of my friends , Doug and Linda , both fighting cancer . Then there the relatives of people who are recovering from a stroke ......Natalie-father , Kathy-husband . Then there is Kelly whose son was born with a cleft . Let's not forget my dear friend Maureen , who is in pain everyday with her leg . There are so many more that aren't mentioned here .
  All of them are trying to stay positive during their journey , but we all suffer from depression at times . We all need a pick me up .
   I have a request . If there is anyone who has a experienced a " God Moment " in their life , I would love to showcase your story as part of a series on this blog . You can e-mail me your story at lottiekrol@yahoo.com along with what town or city you are from . For privacy, I will not be posting anyone's name . I look forward to hearing from you . Let's uplift and inspire each other as we all continue on our journeys .

Uncharted Waters

   It's Monday and a scary week for me . Tomorrow ,  I'm starting a different chemo and I'm a little worried about the side effects it will have . Not to mention " my other problems " that keep resurfacing over and over again . Even my car is starting to act up again . It all is coming to a head this week .
   So since it is Monday , I want to change the whole attitude of this week and approach it in a light-hearted , funny way . Here is a story I wrote about a day Emily and I experienced at Schiller Woods . Hope this puts a smile on your face as you start your week .............

Hello everyone!
                      Today, Emily did the unbelievable!She took her cat Diamond to the woods for an adventure and for some exercise.Yes,it sounds unbelievable but it really happened.
                    The only way I can explain how the process went getting Diamond from the house into the car is just think of trying to give a cat a bath.Lets just say that my daugther was the one who ended up with both her knees skinned.Ouch!!!
                    Did I forget to mention that Diamond was on a leash?Yes,in our house we believe in cat walking instead of dog walking.
                      Once we made it to the woods , she quite behaved herself and for a minute we actually thought she loved it.She found a spot under a fallen branch under a tree.Again, it was the bath scene as we tried to get her from the tree to the car.She stuck her claws into the tree trunk hugging it meowing nooooooo!!! I don't wanna goooooo!!!!We , of course , assumed she was enjoying herself but ,alas, that wasn't so.As soon as we opened then door to the house she made a run for it like the devil was after her with Emily still holding the lease.Comedy central around here .Who needs t.v.What did you guys do today?
P.S.
    Oh yes,let's not forget the couple of rose bushes that got in the way.I think it was more of an adventure for Emily.

Great Expectations

    We all have such great expectations of what will happen in our lives . We plan and organize so everything will turn out the way we want it to . Sometimes we just dream and fantasize of how we want our lives to turn out .
     The first time I found out I had cancer , I wasn't  as traumatized as people think . I thought to myself that I'll go in and have the surgery . Then afterwards , have the chemo and go back to work . Clean cut and simple ...in and out . That's how I handled life back then . Make a list , do the list and move on to the next list . That's not quite what happened . I was naive .
     This time around , I ran around preparing all the details because I am a pro at this , right ? I knew what to expect or at least I kept telling myself that . When treatment time would come , I planned on staying home recooperating . I would do all those things I set aside for later . I would keep away from people because I didn't want to get sick . Germ free. I was naive  .
     We are not realistic people . We like to fantasize and dream . When life doesn't quite turn out like our dreams we get depressed . We feel cheated .
      I would dream this dream in my youth of living on my own in an English Cottage surrounded by all types of flowers . The simple life....the peaceful life.....the calm life .Where did this come from ? I really don't know . Not realistic at all . What are my chances of moving to England ? Pretty slim .So why do we do it ? I think we dream big and unrealistic dreams to help us deal with our ordinary lives . To get away from our problems . It's like reading fairytales . We want the fairytale life where everything turns out perfect . We want to believe .





    

Word Of God Speak

   I should have titled my blog  "Traffic ". I sure spent alot of time in it today . So restless in the car with my mind drifting  in reflection . Thinking of my life and all the things I should have done but didn't . The things I did and shouldn't have . The  mistakes I have made . We always remember the mistakes first . All the warning signs that were there but I ignored . That feeling we get that something doesn't feel right . Why don't we heed it ?
   I thought of this program I watched a very long time ago . Where a group of women would come live together , as therapist worked with them on their many issues . There was this one woman there . I won't forget her . Her therapist gave her all these bags.....she called it her " excess baggage " and wherever she went she had to carry all her baggage with her .
   I watched her lug all this baggage into the bathroom , as she was cooking , on the couch with her , on the bus etc . One day , the whole group went walking in the woods . This poor woman carried that baggage uphill tripping and falling several times . Finally , she was so disgusted of this baggage causing her so much misery she dropped it and refused to carry it around with her any longer . She was tired of it .
   That's how we all are . We don't listen to warning signs that God sends us . We refuse to listen . We stop  our own growth . We get tired of waiting on Him . We plunge in and make matters worse . Or we become scared and don't move on at all .
   Word of God speak . Why is it so very hard for us to trust Him ? To hear Him ?
   Instead , we do our own thing and develop excess baggage that causes us so many problems . We almost have to be covered with bags before we finally listen to Him . None of us wants to be sitting in traffic 20 years later playing back all our mistakes in our mind  thinking why didn't I listen ?

I'm Falling Off The Wagon

     Discouragement hangs over me like a black cloud  creeping closer and closer . I'm falling off the wagon today . Spent the morning reading old notes from Sundays Past . Message after message trying to encourage my discouraging heart . Everything lies in His hands . You think I would be upset with my illness but instead I'm upset with the paperwork . Who has time to worry about that when I have all this red tape to untangle .
  One of my favorite verses in the Bible says ," Be still and know that I am God ". There is nothing more that I can do . A quiet day , today , spent reading my devotionals . Here is a poem I found....

GOD'S PLAN by:Kathleen Lyons

 as I travel on my journey
living life from day to day
I see the joy in GOD'S plan
and give thanks when I pray
but when the road gets rough
and my troubles seem to stay
I forget that GOD has a plan
and I search for my own way
I try to chart my own course
never knowing which way to turn
all the time I waste on worry
if only I would learn
for when my troubles pass
I can always see
it was all part of GOD'S plan
and never up to me

   

Life Goes On

    There is a stretch of road that I take on my way home from my brothers house . It's simply beautiful during the Fall . All the greens , browns , reds  and orange tones are in full display in these woods . Once again , I'm amazed at God's beauty .
     The road is long and winding , surrounded by the woods . The seasons will change no matter what happens in my life . The leaves will keep falling and the snow will come . Once again , in the spring , everything will come back to life . Life goes on.
    I feel lifeless but very calm  as I drive through this beauty . I've had another draining morning  dealing with "paperwork" and " reps" . I'm tired and exhausted of dealing with these people .
    You call your benefits rep and he tells you they faxed a document over to your doctor . You call the doctor and he never got the document . You call them back requesting the same darn thing you asked for three days ago . .....PING PONG...PING PONG .......PING PONG .
    We are incompetent creatures , yet Jesus loves us . We kill , we hurt others , we lie ,cheat and steal . Yet , HE shows us mercy , grace , love , forgiveness and sent His only Son to save us . What do we do ? We beat Him , torture Him and nail Him to the Cross . He still loves us .
    We are very incompetent . We change peoples lives with a click of a button .What does it matter ? Life goes on . What is the worst that will happen to them ? It's a mistake . People do the same thing with God . When everything is fine , who needs Him ? What has He done for me lately ? How do you know its not a she ? When they hit a bump in the road , they fall to their knees and scream HELP ME ! Where are you God ?
    He truly is a loving God to put up with the likes of  US . Seriously . Take a look around . Look how we impact each others lives without any feeling of consequence . Nothing matters . No responsibility . No accountability . Life goes on , Right ?

A Junkie In Recovery

    This past Sunday , my friend Linda comes running up to me in Sunday School . Her face is simply beaming ! Just beaming ! She just had tests done and her cancer on her ribs and under her armpit is gone . The cancer in her neck has spread even more....but ....she's not upset . That doesn't even matter right now . All that does matter is that the cancer is gone from the other two spots .
    She already knew that . You see , from the very beginning she knew that she would be healed by God . Even though it looked so very bad , she knew . She believed .
    Such  a simple word believe . Just heard Joyce Meyer's preach on that very subject . She held up in her hands a wooden sign spelling believe . It sits upon her desk and whenever she doubts herself or feels down , she looks up and sees that word......BELIEVE . Just believe .
    Another friend of mine says it best . Breathe in . Breathe out . Move on . I'm envious of these two . They're at a level that I'm still dreaming about . Like a junkie in recovery , I take out plain  pieces of paper and write BELIEVE  on it . I post one in the bathroom , one in the hallway , one on the refrigerator and one on my bedroom door .
    I just spent a terrible night of tossing and turning , thinking about all my forms . Did I fill them out right ? Will my short term disability kick in soon and I can get paid ? Has my doctor faxed over the papers yet ? Will I be able to pay my bills ?
   I am a junkie in recovery . One day at a time . Trust . Believe . Trust . It will be just fine .Breathe in . Breathe out . Move on .
   

Turning The Negative Into Positive

      So far , today , has been very trying . Just when I thought all the paperwork has been taken care of....BAM.....it's not . There is so much red tape , who can keep track of all this ? It shouldn't be like this ! You shouldn't be swimming in red tape ! A person should be concentrating on healing ! UGGGH!
     This is all my fault . My inability to deal with issues . I know this is God's  way of having me face and deal with it . Learning to trust HIM . Learning to leave all my  troubles with HIM . I read once that when we ask God to teach us a particular " thing " we also need to ask him for mercy  as we go through it . Teach me  trust , Lord , but show me mercy first !
     As bad as today has started out , I really am trying to stay positive . I keep telling myself that the latest snag is just a minor delay . Trust , Lottie , trust . With a renewed hope in my heart , I went on Facebook .
      Now , I have to admit that it took alot of persuading from my children to join facebook . You all should know  by now how I am . I hate filling out forms...why can't they just log me in themselves ? I have to admit that when I finally did , I BECAME  A JUNKIE !
     I have been critisized for being too open . For putting it out there . Everyone knows my  business . I don't believe that I'm saying anything wrong or bad about others .The era of our mothers where everything was kept hidden and SSSSHH and not talked about is over . How are our children , our daughters gonna learn if we don't talk ?
     Like my Pastor , I just went off track .Sorry .
      First thing I see on Facebook  is someone 's comment on how difficult of a day they had . Second thing I see is the comments people wrote to uplift this person . To me , this is what its all about . There are so many negative things in our lives , we need to let it out so others can help us turn it into something positive .
     This journey of mine isn't just about me . It's also about the people around me . Maybe , there is someone out there that is feeling and going thru the same thing . Maybe  , they need to be uplifted . Maybe , the people in their lives want to know what their thoughts are . Maybe , someone out there already went thru a journey similiar to mine and they have some advice for me . Whatever it is .....I just want my journey to mean something .
   Last night , I made a discovery about myself ......the trust issue . Today , I want to start changing how I deal with things . How do I acquire that trust ? Well , today, I'm turning this negative day into something more positive . I ' m trying not to stress out . It will work out . I want to place all my Faith into the Lord .
   One thing , I don't want to do is shut myself away from people and not talk about it . That's not gonna happen , sorry .
 

Trust , Trust ..... Where Art Thou?

    This being my second time around , I find people asking me primarily the same question . ......Is it the same ? Is it the same chemo type ? Are you feeling the same ? Are you having the same side effects ? etc, etc, etc . It's basically the same question . How is it like now ?
    There are more differences than similiarities . I'm not even sure if there are any similiarities other then the fact that I have the same cancer . Before , I dealt with my spiritual side . The part that was missing.....lacking in my life . Now it seems I'm dealing with my personality......my character.....the type of person I am . Or want to become .
    I have been walking around doing all the right things : going to church , bible study , volunteering , trying to behave in Christ-like way . I have seen a change in me and others have too. I haven't really gotten where I want to be . In fact , I have found I have alot of flaws in me . It seems I have been working on the big things but there are other things maybe not that noticeable to me . The key phrase here is " noticeable to me ".
   Yes , things are different now , only on the surface . For instance : the old me would have fought if confronted , blocked , hurt . Now ? My son says it best : I want peace at all cost . I will sweep it under , walk around it or  walk out the door before I have to deal with it . I do not want to deal with  anything . I want a peaceful existence . Or am I more afraid of the old me coming back ?
    So have I really changed ? Or have I just changed the way I handle things ? Again , I started writing about one thing and something else is coming out . God is so funny at times .
     Another thing I have noticed is that I put things off.....things that I don't like to do...unpleasant things . Or I break off personal relationships before they get serious because somehow I'm psychic and I can look into the future and see it will never work out .
      Boy , I'm really messed up . It really is all the same thing . I'm scared . I'm scared of my old-self coming back . I'm scared of getting hurt in a relationship...being taken for a fool . I'm scared of trusting . That's what this is all about....TRUST.
     Don't we all say , "I trust in the Lord" or " leave it with Him", but do we really ? I know I have a hard time with trust . I did an exercise on trust with my Sunday School Class once where they had to fall back and have their partner catch them from behind . I was amazed how these children trusted each other . They were falling back without a moment of doubt . Like a swarm of flies . Why can't I be like that ?Why can't I do that ? I want to let go .
    So is it different this time ? You better believe it . It's alot more personal somehow . All my fears , my vulnerabilities are right here in the open . I feel exposed before God. I am a Christian and I'm afraid to let go ....completely let go .
   I think I just found what my journey is all about.
   
    
  

Blanket Therapy

   One of my vices in the early days of my cancer was crocheting . When you spend alot of time in the hospital you develop their schedule . You end up sleeping in  short naps through out the day . When you go home the schedule stays with you for awhile . Its very hard to shake it off . You're awake at all odd hours .
    I started crocheting making blankets .Called it my cancer therapy . At that time it was very close to Thanksgiving . I decided to make a blanket for everyone in the family for Christmas . I wanted everyone in my family to have something of mine to look  and remember me  by . From Thanksgiving to Christmas , I made 11 blankets . It kept me occupied during my healing process . I also played alot of computer games .
     Well , my blanket therapy expanded to friends , baby showers and donations to charities like Mary's Room . Funny enough , people started giving me yarn to make blankets for others . One goal for this Christmas  is to donate to a Nursing Home . Whenever my donation of yarn would start dwindling someone would always drop off some yarn without my asking . God's provision never stops to amaze me .
      It's amazing what a simple blanket does to a person . It seems to make people feel loved . Whenever I would present someone with my blanket they would be so touched . I never quite understood the impact it made . Maybe it was the idea of someone thinking of them and making a personalized gift just for them . The fact that someone took the time to make something . All homemade things make us feel like that .
      If there is anyone who may need a blanket let me know . I would be honored to make one .If anyone would like to donate yarn I would be so grateful .
      My dream.......to make slipper booties for all the children at St. Jude's . Who knows ? Dreams come true . you know .

Mirror , Mirror On The Wall

  One of my hardest struggles didn't really come from the actual treatments of my cancer . They came from dealing with the aftermath of having cancer . There is nothing worse than going through a major struggle in your life and you defeat it expecting your life to go back to normal ......and it doesn't .
   Instead, you look in the mirror and see a stranger . Here I have had 4 children and always been thin . This cancer I have gained 80 lbs. My hair was different color and texture . Then there is the different person you are on the inside .
    This was a  major challenge for me . This is another reason why I am so upset this time around . I was just getting used to the " new " me and now I have to erase the slate and start all over . I have gained  7 lbs already. I don't want to go thru that all over again . I don't want to rediscover myself .
   Now I know what you all are thinking and I certainly don't want any emails about how my appearance doesn't matter . I understand all that  but lets be honest , folks , we all have a problem with how we look . Each of us would love to change something about our appearance .
   I don't need to go back to my original  " look ". I'm not that person anymore on the inside  but  I would like to meet somewhere in the middle . I guess , I just don't want to start all over again . I don't want to gain anymore weight . I was happy with the way I was looking. I feel I worked real hard to get to that point and it was for nothing .
   Don't get me wrong , its just my weight. When you've been thin all of your life and then suddenly you're like the opposite its very difficult to deal with .I would be happy with some weight loss . I don't need to be a size 4...I can be a size 12 instead . I do love my curves just not so much of it .

Today.......

  Today the weather is pure FALL!!!! It's raining and howling wind outside . Both Emily and I have been sick with a cold for a full week and there's no relief in sight . Doesn't look good for my chemo on Monday .......it might be cancelled .
   Words are not needed on a day like this . Today is perfect for a hot , homemade bowl of soup and a slice of fresh bread . Snuggle on a couch with a blankie and hot tea with lemon and honey . Words are not needed . Today we should spend time with our loved ones just being quiet . The month of THANKFULLNESS is here .
  Let me share a poem with you that reminded me of HIM when I looked outside today.

GOD'S PRESENCE WITHIN by:Regina Wiencek

 have you looked for God when the
tempest broke
have you seen him in the lightening
stroke
have you heard his voice in the
thunder roar
or in proud waves that break on the shore
have you watched him in the sunset glow
has he left his footprints in the fresh fallen snow
does he live in temples hewn of stone
where is his palace
where is his throne
you can search and search without
seeing his face
as his fleeting footprints through nature you trace
he is Lord of the earth and Lord of the sky
he is Lord of life's seasons that swiftly roll by
you can search the world pver for glimpse of him
but to find him
my friend
start looking within
in hearts he is living

Hair Today , Gone Tomorrow

   I do not like talking on the phone . Especially , if it involves speaking to sales people or handling a problem  like insurance ......can't stand it . The minute I find out I have to call someone to fix a problem , I immediately look for someone to handle it for me. Otherwise folks , I'm walking away from it . Who needs cable ? I've been like this all of my life . Feel the same way with confrontations . If I don't feel like dealing with certain things , I put them aside . Digging deep is hard .
  When my son moved out to Missouri , I called him one time to order pizza for me and I live in Chicago ! Thats how bad I have it.
   Since my last blog , I spoke with my son and he did an interview with me for his radio program . I kept thinking about those questions he asked me all night . Couldn't sleep . Kept going over the entire interview in my head . Something very important came out during that interview . I had no idea I felt like that .
  In a way , I feel like I'm fighting GOD . HE is bringing forth things out of me and I keep resisting . Like a two yr old stamping her foot saying : " no, I don't want to and  you can't make me ." Well , HE kept me up all night so I guess HE won .
  That morning folks I made a decision . I know now ,  why I haven't shaved my head yet . I've been waiting for someone to do it for me . Last time was different because I was in terrible shape healthwise and I needed people to take care of me . I didn't have to handle anything .There was someone to handle all my paperwork and folks it was a mess . There was a  nurse coming to the house twice a week and whatever I needed all I had to do is pick up the phone and someone would take care of it for me .
  Not this time . I've been handling all the paperwork . Felt very proud of myself . There's just one thing......my hair .There is something so very personal and difficult about shaving your head . I can't describe it . I know of someone whose mom had breast cancer and the entire family had to have a meeting on how best to deal with shaving her head .
  I thought about going to a salon but I knew I would break down  and cry . I didn't want to do that in front of someone I didn't know . I didn't want to be vulnerable in front of a stranger .
  I asked my brother for electric shears and I shaved my own head . Strange thing happened.....I didn't cry . As I looked in the mirror , of course , I didn't like the face I saw . I didn't recognize it . It didn't look like me . But ...I have a very nicely shaped round head ....although the turkey gobbler has to go .
   I took control and not let it control me . Maybe thats why I didn't cry .