So What's Up?

 

                            Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey,

Time was, I shrank from what was right,

From fear of what was wrong;
I would not brave the sacred fight,
Because the foe was strong.
But now I cast that finer sense
And sorer shame aside;
Such dread of sin was indolence,
Such aim at heaven was pride.
J. H. NEWMAN.

Have you ever experienced a blah kind of day where you could not explain your feelings behind it? You just couldn't explain why you were feeling a dread or a black cloud over you. It followed you throughout your day. It stayed there in the crevice of your brain peeking out occasionally. 

So, what's up?

You are typically a mild mannered person who avoids drama or confrontations, but yet, that feeling is there. Lurking. You have no issues with anyone. You place a smile on your face no matter how you are feeling inside. You literally try your best to have a good day.

So, what's up?

Sometimes, I think my body has gone through so much in the last 14 years that the smallest hint of any kind of stress sets me off out of sync. I don't want to face stuff nor deal with stuff. I just want to be. I want my universe to be balanced beautifully. 

So, what's up?

I think we know what is bothering us, the real truth, even if we don't want to admit it. We know. You know. That thing hanging over your head pushing you down at every opportunity. You know what it is, so why not admit it?

So, what's up?

It's okay to say it out loud. Your scared. As old as you may be, you still can feel fear. Being scared doesn't go away, because you're older now. We are human after all and we experience all emotions always.

So now that you know what's up you can relax just a bit. Relax. Take a deep breath. It will be okay. 

Have a blessed day everyone.

A Life Full Of Surprises

 

                      Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

What Thou shalt to-day provide,

    Let me as a child receive;
  What to-morrow may betide,
    Calmly to Thy wisdom leave.
  'Tis enough that Thou wilt care;
    Why should I the burden bear?
J. NEWTON.

There are days where one cannot stop from reflecting on this life of ours. Where we have been and where we ended up. The roads we have travelled and with whom. The pain, the joy, the tears, the heartache and the anger. 

We go back within our minds to that time and experience it all over again.

One thing I have learned is that I can control the emotions I feel when that reflective mood takes hold of me. We can spend many pleasant hours reminiscing all the wonderful memories of our life. Not all were pleasant, though. Those kind of memories can place a dark cloud over us that can last days and even weeks. 

Sometimes, just sometimes, we need to flip these negative feelings so they can work for us and not against us. I have spent way too many precious hours full of regrets, but no more. I choose to think of my life as a life lived full of surprises. Yes, some where good and some not, but one thing for sure, it was never dull.

We spend so much time in regret, especially when we become older. We think of all the could haves, should haves and would haves. They don't mean anything now. We need to refuse to live in that past. We were  forgiven by our Lord and Savior, so why do we have such a huge problem forgiving ourselves? And letting go?

No more. When I look back, I am choosing the how.  I will think of my life as full of surprises. I did the best I could at the situations that were presented to me. I made mistakes, some bigger than others, but all of that has made me into who I am today. God's grace and mercy were shown to me. I think it's time for me to forgive myself and let go. 

Forest Gump was right. Life is like a box of chocolate, one never knows what your gonna get. 

Have a blessed day everyone. 

For A Moment

 

                            Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

The souls most precious to us here

    May from this home have fled;
  But still we make one household dear;
    One Lord is still our head.
  Midst cherubim and seraphim
    They mind their Lord's affairs;
  Oh! if we bring our work to Him
    Our work is one with theirs.
T. H. GILL

This year as we try to come back to some normalcy, I decided to make sure all of my screenings have been up to date. Covid19 sort of placed everything on hold and it was time we began living our lives. My oncologist visit went well as did my Ct. scan. Next, mammogram screening. 

It came as no surprise to me that I needed further diagnostic testing on my breast. This has been occurring for years now. The same breast and in the same spot. I think I even mentioned it at my screening. No worries.

I headed out for an early appointment expecting to be done right away. I mean, I have been through these exams often in the past. It wasn't quite like that. After the diagnostic imaging, I waited for the doctor to read the scans. After a few minutes, they called me in for more images to be taken. No problem. Again, I'm waiting. They came back again wanting to do an ultra sound. No problem. Again, I'm waiting. The doctor comes in himself wanting to do the ultra sound himself. 

Really? I was fine until he came in himself. That has never happened before. Just for a moment I thought to myself that perhaps there might be a problem. My ovarian always came back in the same place and the treatment was pretty much routine. Breast cancer . . . . .that's a game changer. Breast cancer metastasizes into something else. 

Hmm, I turned my head to glance at the white lines on the screen that caused them so much concern. So tiny, so faint. Hmm, I might have to hurry up with these yarn donations of mine. 

It's funny the thoughts that enter our head. I was not worried, anxious, upset. I was more concerned that I still had so much more to do here before I go. I thought about all the people who have been told nothing else could be done. What were their thoughts? How did they feel?

"Well, Ms. Krol, I think it's just tissue. We'll see you same time next year."

Just like that all thoughts left and I smiled. 

Have a blessed day everyone.

An Unfortunate Set Of Events

 

                             Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

Drop Thy still dews of quietness,

Till all our strivings cease;
Take from our souls the strain and stress,
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of Thy peace.
J. G. WHITTIER.

There's something in the air.

It's a full moon tonight.

The planets and stars are not aligned right. 

When it rains it pours.

There's a black cloud over my head.

Ever have a week where absolutely nothing went according to plan? A week where obstacles have been left in your path and you are feeling frustrated as to what is happening. Yeah, been there, done that. So why am I not an expert at handling it? Why? Who wants to become an expert at that?

Let me tell you about my week. 

We brought home another kitten about 7 weeks old (Isabella) as a playmate for our 3 month old (Savannah). We were so excited all the way home and couldn't wait to get these two together. A little family. Well, that's not what happened. Savannah took one look at Isabella still inside the carrier and every hair on her body stood up. What followed was an agonizing day of trying to get them together. We googled info and called our friends all to no avail. Nothing worked. Not even separate food, water and litter boxes. Savannah was hissing, growling and even trying to pounce on her. In the end, we separated them with Isabella residing inside my bedroom. 

The next day, after Church, I decided that since we were so distraught and exhausted from our cat ordeal, we would order out instead of cooking. Anyway, I needed to lay down and get some sleep since I was doing overnight. Of course, the internet was buffering like crazy. Then I placed my order online and clicked by accident pickup instead of delivery. Before I could do anything, the order was sent, because suddenly the internet wanted to work. I tried calling the place to have them change it, but no there was nothing they could do to fix it. I would have to order again. Well, I already paid for it. 

Off I went, fuming. What was the point of me ordering out if I had to pick it up? The GPS sent me to the wrong address. By then, I just wanted to cry. I was tired, hungry and emotionally drained. I did finally find it, went home to eat and did manage about 2 1/2 hours of sleep before heading out to work. 

Day three, some good news for a change. The mattress that we ordered would be delivered next week. They will arrive sometime between 8 a.m.- 2 p.m. which was perfect since we both were working 2nd shift that day. Off to work I went only to find that one of the washing machines was out of order and another was acting up. At least, our free lunch smelled heavenly as I passed in the halls. Ah, she was cooking up roast beef for sandwiches. Fresh roast beef. At lunchtime, my belly was looking forward to that roast beef. She handed me a plate with a grilled ham and cheese sandwich. The roast beef was for tomorrow. 

Got up the next morning determined to enjoy my day off. I had only one appointment at the vet with Isabella and that was at 9 a.m. The rest of the day would be mine. Everything went well until I noticed there was a message on my phone. It was the mattress people to confirm the delivery for next week between 3 and 7 p.m. What? No way. Why did they change it?

I called them to change the time to morning like before and then it begins. They cannot guarantee a specific time. Can we change the day then? We only come into your area on Thursday. But there will be no one here. I am sorry, but I cannot guarantee specific time and date. So in other words, the mattress that I ordered June 14 and was to be delivered on July 14 would be finally here on the 29th on a day that no one would be home and there was nothing I could do about it? I would have to take a day off from work with no pay to sit around waiting for them to come?

Sigh. So I did what every normal person would do in my position. I took off my Christian hat and let them know how unhappy I was with their customer service. I think I did pretty good, there was no cussing, but I did hang up the phone. I will not ever give them my business again. 

While I was in Church, I realized something extremely important. I need Jesus. I need Him for not just the big things in my life, but also for all the minor irritations of daily living. Life can be beautiful, but it is also full of frustrations that will send you on your knees by the Cross. The older I get, the more I depend on Him. Good times, bad times will come and go, but my relationship with Jesus only deepen. I am so grateful for that.

Have a blessed day everyone. 

Year Of The Aches

                           Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

 O Breath from out the Eternal Silence! blow

Softly upon our spirits' barren ground;
The precious fulness of our God bestow,
That fruits of faith, love, reverence may abound.
G. TERSTEEGEN

Getting up from bed this morning, I winced with pain. My joints haven't been cooperating. Oh, I know it comes with our age, you don't have to remind me. Yet, it seems this year has been worse than before. There have been a few things that have attributed to the extra aches in my body.

On Easter Sunday, I had a fall right off the sanctuary. So glad that everyone was already outside collecting Easter eggs and didn't have the privilege of witnessing my disgrace. Only three steps going up and down. Three steps. When my foot touched that second step, the wrong way, I went flying facedown onto the carpeted floor. I shall make a point not to complain about the carpeting again, lol.

I could see myself falling and I knew it would hurt. My entire left side ached with pain for days after. It was my left foot that gave me the most pain. By the time I arrived home, it was swollen and I could not walk on it. It wasn't broken. I spent days with my foot up, ice pack on and then go off to work, come back to repeat the same process over again. 

I noticed yesterday, that I haven't been in any kind of pain in that foot for awhile. Praise God that is over. 

Not too long ago, it was announced at my job from Corporate that we had to take the vaccine if we wanted to remain working there. So off I went to get vaccinated. Good Lord! My arms ached so bad! The ache was deep inside my socket and it didn't go away after a couple of days. I dreaded my second shot, vowing that this would be the absolute last time I was getting this vaccine. Next year, if it's a requirement again, I'm quitting. I wonder how long it will be before this ache goes away for good!

The third factor attributing to all my joint pain is the weather. Like my son loves to say, it has been raining 40 days and 40 nights like in the times of Noah. It's raining now. It rained last night. It rained the day before and it will rain tomorrow. Rain.

Of course, there is age, too. I joke around that my body is like a locomotive. I start off real slow, but pick up speed as I go. I think the biggest thing to keep in mind is movement. We need to keep moving and stretching. I do like to stretch lying down. It feels so, so good. Of course, the occasional massage helps, too!

Have a blessed day everyone. 

Lost In My Thoughts

  

             Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey. 

Thy secret judgment's depths profound

    Still sings the silent night;
  The day, upon his golden round,
    Thy pity infinite.
I. WILLIAMS. Tr. from Latin

It was a lazy day today. I awakened very early way before the Sun came up and yet, I didn't get up until hours later. I had no energy, no sense of urgency of any kind. All I wanted was to stay in doing absolutely nothing.

All day long, I moved slowly, lost in my own thoughts. Sometimes, we live more in our heads than in the surroundings around us. We keep going back to days of old, whether good or bad has no significance. We keep replaying events in our minds from years ago. Remembering. Reminiscing. Reliving.

I love these quiet days, because we need to remember and process the daily occurrences in our life. We rush around so much from work to stores to activities as if we were on fire. The days . . . . they just pass by so quickly. What happened to this month? This year?

I moved throughout my day dressed in mismatched, comfy clothes secretly hoping no one comes a knocking. Could I freeze this day until further notice? Could I pull it out of my pocket whenever I needed a refresher? A peace fix?

There are times where I could sit still, sipping my coffee or tea, staring at the wall completely at peace. Does that sound insane? Does our mind need to be thinking all the time? Can we just sit still and be?

 It is so relaxing to take in all the sounds around us. The birds singing outside. The coffee machine perking away as the scent of fresh coffee fills the air. The sound of a lawn mower in the distance. One could close their eyes and imagine a scene without any words at all. 

Solitude. Silence. Thoughts. It can be so relaxing to do absolutely nothing, but take in the world around us. My late grandma Bernice often would sit outside for hours just watching and listening. I so understand now the why. The reasoning behind it. Oh, how we need days such as this one. Bask in them. Embrace them for they are so rare.

Have a blessed day everyone. 

Simply Grace

                         Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey. 

 It is not happiness I seek,

Its name I hardly dare to speak;
It is not made for man or earth,
And Heaven alone can give it birth.

There is a something sweet and pure,
Through life, through death it may endure;
With steady foot I onward press,
And long to win that Blessedness.
LOUISA J. HALL.

It's been a good month since my oncologist visit and I still am in a bit of a shock. Don't misunderstand me. The results couldn't be better. In fact, they were the best news I have had since being diagnosed 14 years ago. I am fast approaching the longest remission to date. Yes, my remission.

What does one do with that fact? All I have known for over a decade are tests, treatments and more tests and more treatments. This? This is something totally new and I don't know how to process it.

All of a sudden, I have become a survivor. Another bend in the road. Another journey to explore and learn. Perhaps another role to play? Another something.

In a way, I feel naked and vulnerable. This is all I know. It has taken me that long to find out who I was and who I was meant to be. I stare in the mirror and ask what now? Since then, I have built up a blog, a Ministry, a purpose. Does all of this just dissolve, because the cancer is not here? 

When I found out that I had cancer, I never asked God the why. I always thought I wasn't worthy to ask Him the why. Fourteen years later and I still feel the same. I know it's very hard for people to understand, but I have made numerous bad decisions in my life. The fact that He gave me a second chance, His Grace was bestowed on me, but I never deserved it. I accepted my condition long ago, so the why never mattered.

I have no idea what my new path will lead to in my life. God must have some sort of plan for me that I yet have to discover. God's Grace has no boundaries, no limits and for that, I am very grateful. 

Have a blessed day everyone.