A Junkie In Recovery

    This past Sunday , my friend Linda comes running up to me in Sunday School . Her face is simply beaming ! Just beaming ! She just had tests done and her cancer on her ribs and under her armpit is gone . The cancer in her neck has spread even more....but ....she's not upset . That doesn't even matter right now . All that does matter is that the cancer is gone from the other two spots .
    She already knew that . You see , from the very beginning she knew that she would be healed by God . Even though it looked so very bad , she knew . She believed .
    Such  a simple word believe . Just heard Joyce Meyer's preach on that very subject . She held up in her hands a wooden sign spelling believe . It sits upon her desk and whenever she doubts herself or feels down , she looks up and sees that word......BELIEVE . Just believe .
    Another friend of mine says it best . Breathe in . Breathe out . Move on . I'm envious of these two . They're at a level that I'm still dreaming about . Like a junkie in recovery , I take out plain  pieces of paper and write BELIEVE  on it . I post one in the bathroom , one in the hallway , one on the refrigerator and one on my bedroom door .
    I just spent a terrible night of tossing and turning , thinking about all my forms . Did I fill them out right ? Will my short term disability kick in soon and I can get paid ? Has my doctor faxed over the papers yet ? Will I be able to pay my bills ?
   I am a junkie in recovery . One day at a time . Trust . Believe . Trust . It will be just fine .Breathe in . Breathe out . Move on .
   

Turning The Negative Into Positive

      So far , today , has been very trying . Just when I thought all the paperwork has been taken care of....BAM.....it's not . There is so much red tape , who can keep track of all this ? It shouldn't be like this ! You shouldn't be swimming in red tape ! A person should be concentrating on healing ! UGGGH!
     This is all my fault . My inability to deal with issues . I know this is God's  way of having me face and deal with it . Learning to trust HIM . Learning to leave all my  troubles with HIM . I read once that when we ask God to teach us a particular " thing " we also need to ask him for mercy  as we go through it . Teach me  trust , Lord , but show me mercy first !
     As bad as today has started out , I really am trying to stay positive . I keep telling myself that the latest snag is just a minor delay . Trust , Lottie , trust . With a renewed hope in my heart , I went on Facebook .
      Now , I have to admit that it took alot of persuading from my children to join facebook . You all should know  by now how I am . I hate filling out forms...why can't they just log me in themselves ? I have to admit that when I finally did , I BECAME  A JUNKIE !
     I have been critisized for being too open . For putting it out there . Everyone knows my  business . I don't believe that I'm saying anything wrong or bad about others .The era of our mothers where everything was kept hidden and SSSSHH and not talked about is over . How are our children , our daughters gonna learn if we don't talk ?
     Like my Pastor , I just went off track .Sorry .
      First thing I see on Facebook  is someone 's comment on how difficult of a day they had . Second thing I see is the comments people wrote to uplift this person . To me , this is what its all about . There are so many negative things in our lives , we need to let it out so others can help us turn it into something positive .
     This journey of mine isn't just about me . It's also about the people around me . Maybe , there is someone out there that is feeling and going thru the same thing . Maybe  , they need to be uplifted . Maybe , the people in their lives want to know what their thoughts are . Maybe , someone out there already went thru a journey similiar to mine and they have some advice for me . Whatever it is .....I just want my journey to mean something .
   Last night , I made a discovery about myself ......the trust issue . Today , I want to start changing how I deal with things . How do I acquire that trust ? Well , today, I'm turning this negative day into something more positive . I ' m trying not to stress out . It will work out . I want to place all my Faith into the Lord .
   One thing , I don't want to do is shut myself away from people and not talk about it . That's not gonna happen , sorry .
 

Trust , Trust ..... Where Art Thou?

    This being my second time around , I find people asking me primarily the same question . ......Is it the same ? Is it the same chemo type ? Are you feeling the same ? Are you having the same side effects ? etc, etc, etc . It's basically the same question . How is it like now ?
    There are more differences than similiarities . I'm not even sure if there are any similiarities other then the fact that I have the same cancer . Before , I dealt with my spiritual side . The part that was missing.....lacking in my life . Now it seems I'm dealing with my personality......my character.....the type of person I am . Or want to become .
    I have been walking around doing all the right things : going to church , bible study , volunteering , trying to behave in Christ-like way . I have seen a change in me and others have too. I haven't really gotten where I want to be . In fact , I have found I have alot of flaws in me . It seems I have been working on the big things but there are other things maybe not that noticeable to me . The key phrase here is " noticeable to me ".
   Yes , things are different now , only on the surface . For instance : the old me would have fought if confronted , blocked , hurt . Now ? My son says it best : I want peace at all cost . I will sweep it under , walk around it or  walk out the door before I have to deal with it . I do not want to deal with  anything . I want a peaceful existence . Or am I more afraid of the old me coming back ?
    So have I really changed ? Or have I just changed the way I handle things ? Again , I started writing about one thing and something else is coming out . God is so funny at times .
     Another thing I have noticed is that I put things off.....things that I don't like to do...unpleasant things . Or I break off personal relationships before they get serious because somehow I'm psychic and I can look into the future and see it will never work out .
      Boy , I'm really messed up . It really is all the same thing . I'm scared . I'm scared of my old-self coming back . I'm scared of getting hurt in a relationship...being taken for a fool . I'm scared of trusting . That's what this is all about....TRUST.
     Don't we all say , "I trust in the Lord" or " leave it with Him", but do we really ? I know I have a hard time with trust . I did an exercise on trust with my Sunday School Class once where they had to fall back and have their partner catch them from behind . I was amazed how these children trusted each other . They were falling back without a moment of doubt . Like a swarm of flies . Why can't I be like that ?Why can't I do that ? I want to let go .
    So is it different this time ? You better believe it . It's alot more personal somehow . All my fears , my vulnerabilities are right here in the open . I feel exposed before God. I am a Christian and I'm afraid to let go ....completely let go .
   I think I just found what my journey is all about.
   
    
  

Blanket Therapy

   One of my vices in the early days of my cancer was crocheting . When you spend alot of time in the hospital you develop their schedule . You end up sleeping in  short naps through out the day . When you go home the schedule stays with you for awhile . Its very hard to shake it off . You're awake at all odd hours .
    I started crocheting making blankets .Called it my cancer therapy . At that time it was very close to Thanksgiving . I decided to make a blanket for everyone in the family for Christmas . I wanted everyone in my family to have something of mine to look  and remember me  by . From Thanksgiving to Christmas , I made 11 blankets . It kept me occupied during my healing process . I also played alot of computer games .
     Well , my blanket therapy expanded to friends , baby showers and donations to charities like Mary's Room . Funny enough , people started giving me yarn to make blankets for others . One goal for this Christmas  is to donate to a Nursing Home . Whenever my donation of yarn would start dwindling someone would always drop off some yarn without my asking . God's provision never stops to amaze me .
      It's amazing what a simple blanket does to a person . It seems to make people feel loved . Whenever I would present someone with my blanket they would be so touched . I never quite understood the impact it made . Maybe it was the idea of someone thinking of them and making a personalized gift just for them . The fact that someone took the time to make something . All homemade things make us feel like that .
      If there is anyone who may need a blanket let me know . I would be honored to make one .If anyone would like to donate yarn I would be so grateful .
      My dream.......to make slipper booties for all the children at St. Jude's . Who knows ? Dreams come true . you know .

Mirror , Mirror On The Wall

  One of my hardest struggles didn't really come from the actual treatments of my cancer . They came from dealing with the aftermath of having cancer . There is nothing worse than going through a major struggle in your life and you defeat it expecting your life to go back to normal ......and it doesn't .
   Instead, you look in the mirror and see a stranger . Here I have had 4 children and always been thin . This cancer I have gained 80 lbs. My hair was different color and texture . Then there is the different person you are on the inside .
    This was a  major challenge for me . This is another reason why I am so upset this time around . I was just getting used to the " new " me and now I have to erase the slate and start all over . I have gained  7 lbs already. I don't want to go thru that all over again . I don't want to rediscover myself .
   Now I know what you all are thinking and I certainly don't want any emails about how my appearance doesn't matter . I understand all that  but lets be honest , folks , we all have a problem with how we look . Each of us would love to change something about our appearance .
   I don't need to go back to my original  " look ". I'm not that person anymore on the inside  but  I would like to meet somewhere in the middle . I guess , I just don't want to start all over again . I don't want to gain anymore weight . I was happy with the way I was looking. I feel I worked real hard to get to that point and it was for nothing .
   Don't get me wrong , its just my weight. When you've been thin all of your life and then suddenly you're like the opposite its very difficult to deal with .I would be happy with some weight loss . I don't need to be a size 4...I can be a size 12 instead . I do love my curves just not so much of it .

Today.......

  Today the weather is pure FALL!!!! It's raining and howling wind outside . Both Emily and I have been sick with a cold for a full week and there's no relief in sight . Doesn't look good for my chemo on Monday .......it might be cancelled .
   Words are not needed on a day like this . Today is perfect for a hot , homemade bowl of soup and a slice of fresh bread . Snuggle on a couch with a blankie and hot tea with lemon and honey . Words are not needed . Today we should spend time with our loved ones just being quiet . The month of THANKFULLNESS is here .
  Let me share a poem with you that reminded me of HIM when I looked outside today.

GOD'S PRESENCE WITHIN by:Regina Wiencek

 have you looked for God when the
tempest broke
have you seen him in the lightening
stroke
have you heard his voice in the
thunder roar
or in proud waves that break on the shore
have you watched him in the sunset glow
has he left his footprints in the fresh fallen snow
does he live in temples hewn of stone
where is his palace
where is his throne
you can search and search without
seeing his face
as his fleeting footprints through nature you trace
he is Lord of the earth and Lord of the sky
he is Lord of life's seasons that swiftly roll by
you can search the world pver for glimpse of him
but to find him
my friend
start looking within
in hearts he is living

Hair Today , Gone Tomorrow

   I do not like talking on the phone . Especially , if it involves speaking to sales people or handling a problem  like insurance ......can't stand it . The minute I find out I have to call someone to fix a problem , I immediately look for someone to handle it for me. Otherwise folks , I'm walking away from it . Who needs cable ? I've been like this all of my life . Feel the same way with confrontations . If I don't feel like dealing with certain things , I put them aside . Digging deep is hard .
  When my son moved out to Missouri , I called him one time to order pizza for me and I live in Chicago ! Thats how bad I have it.
   Since my last blog , I spoke with my son and he did an interview with me for his radio program . I kept thinking about those questions he asked me all night . Couldn't sleep . Kept going over the entire interview in my head . Something very important came out during that interview . I had no idea I felt like that .
  In a way , I feel like I'm fighting GOD . HE is bringing forth things out of me and I keep resisting . Like a two yr old stamping her foot saying : " no, I don't want to and  you can't make me ." Well , HE kept me up all night so I guess HE won .
  That morning folks I made a decision . I know now ,  why I haven't shaved my head yet . I've been waiting for someone to do it for me . Last time was different because I was in terrible shape healthwise and I needed people to take care of me . I didn't have to handle anything .There was someone to handle all my paperwork and folks it was a mess . There was a  nurse coming to the house twice a week and whatever I needed all I had to do is pick up the phone and someone would take care of it for me .
  Not this time . I've been handling all the paperwork . Felt very proud of myself . There's just one thing......my hair .There is something so very personal and difficult about shaving your head . I can't describe it . I know of someone whose mom had breast cancer and the entire family had to have a meeting on how best to deal with shaving her head .
  I thought about going to a salon but I knew I would break down  and cry . I didn't want to do that in front of someone I didn't know . I didn't want to be vulnerable in front of a stranger .
  I asked my brother for electric shears and I shaved my own head . Strange thing happened.....I didn't cry . As I looked in the mirror , of course , I didn't like the face I saw . I didn't recognize it . It didn't look like me . But ...I have a very nicely shaped round head ....although the turkey gobbler has to go .
   I took control and not let it control me . Maybe thats why I didn't cry .