On My Knees

      A time comes when we all have experienced " waiting ". . . . . . . where the waiting takes awhile . . . . . . it becomes almost a fantasy instead of reality . . . . .  .but when it does come . . . . . .after the joy subsides . . . . . .  one becomes afraid . . . . . afraid of losing that joy . . . . . that it's fleeting  . . . . pins and needles . . . . heart in our throat . . . . . . . don't take my joy  . . . . . on my knees I fall . . . . Dear Lord . . . .


Dear Lord,
I’m on my knees again
I come to you because you understand.
I’ve tried so hard, but I just can’t change myself
That’s why I know I need your help.
CHORUS:
So here I am, this is my plea,
My only hope is your love for me.
I’m reaching out so desperately.
Come take my hand, take all of me, just as I am.
Oh Lord you made what’s broken new.
Why can’t I learn, to follow you?
I want to know you, to feel you in my soul, I surrender all control.
CHORUS:
So here I am, this is my plea,
My only hope is your love for me.
I’m reaching out so desperately.
Come take my hand, take all of me, just as…
I am not afraid to follow you where you lead me
I can leave the past behind me.
I’m forgiven, and I’m free
My only hope is your love for me.
I’m reaching out so desperately.
Come take my hand, take all of me, just as I am


Read more: http://blog.beliefnet.com/prayables/2011/12/just-as-i-am-rhema-marvanne.html#ixzz1sBOGYQ9o

A Broken Mirror

    This is something I wrote  few years back and was saving this for  Friday the 13th . Hope you enjoy !!!



It all started when I broke a mirror.It was in late September on a Saturday night as my mom and I were getting ready for a wedding.I completely shattered the entire full length mirror into kazillion pieces!! Not a million but kazillion pieces!!!!! Oh well,seven years....
Yet ,I had the best time ever.I can't even remember when I enjoyed a wedding more.This wedding was something else.It was full of young people who danced and danced the whole night.The DJ didn't take a single break! I felt like I was in a club.Thats the way it should be.Life is for the living.
I looked around and saw us old folks just sitting and watching.Thats how life really is.The young are so full of expectation and wonder but most of all.....impatience for tomorrow to come.What are we?We're tired.We know what tomorrow will bring and it won't always be pretty.
In the same week,Emily had an opportunity to see Emeril Lagassi ....LIVE!!! How great is that.He was coming to Arlington Park and do a LIVE show and you could meet Top Chef finalists from different seasons.It was like a food festival where you could try different dishes and wine too.It was FREEZING!!!!
But it was worth every goose pimple on her body.
Emeril prepared his famous Emeril salad ,roasted chicken,spiked tea [ I wonder what he spiked it with}and steak dog wrapped in bacon.It was so cold and no sun at all.Did I tell you it was outside? Everytime Emeril yelled out STEAKDOG the sun would come out.It turned into a game with Emeril and the crowd screaming STEAKDOG just so the sun could come out.
She came away from the experience with autographs of the top chefs and pictures of Emeril which we framed all.The funniest thing of all is that she goes to food festival loaded with food and what does she bring home? A small apple.Thats my girl.
I told Emily not bad at all considering I broke the mirror into a kazillion pieces.Then she proceeded to grab another mirror,"Lets break this one ,too".
The thing is that I haven't been feeling like writing lately.This happened in late September and here I am writing about it now.Now you could say that its the broken mirror and seven years bad luck that kept me feeling down and not writing.That is not true because,you see,I believe in JESUS CHRIST not lady luck.

Keeping The Faith

             As I headed out for testing on my heart , it never occurred to me that I would encounter a fascinating young woman along the way . After signing in at the Heart Center , I sat down preparing for a lengthy wait . Pulling out my crocheting for this particular reason , I was very surprised to hear my name called out . It was only a few minutes wait .
            A young woman in her middle 20"s smiled at me as she led me into the room where my tests were to be done . She introduced herself and I'm ashamed to say I can't remember her name .
         She was full of questions about my cancer . How did I find out I had cancer ? What was my chemo like ? Where did I have my surgery ? How many stages were there ? Did I have a complete hysterectomy ? How long ago was my  first bout with cancer ? The questions were endless . She seemed genuinely interested in my cancer .
        She spoke of her Pastor's message this past Sunday at church . How he spoke of healing and never giving up our belief in being healed no matter what health issues we were  facing . I told her how I believed I was healed the first time and how difficult it was for me to accept this cancer coming back . Do you know what she said to me ? Don't ever stop believing you are healed because we live by Faith .
        On my way home , I thought about this young woman . I thought about her in the evening and when I woke up this morning . I'm still thinking about her .
      Lately , I have been fighting " doubt " . Doubt within my ministry , my friendships , my relationships......basically my everything . I thought about walking away from my everything . Even this blog . I'm tired , I'm crabby and I just have been thinking like noone cares .
      I feel like God sent her to me to remind me to keep plugging along.....to believe ......to keep the faith . He cares.......

Letting Go

     For the past month , I have written about all my illnesses and about my inability of adjusting to life after going back to  work . Nothing has improved in that area . Honestly , I've been avoiding the only obvious solution ........letting go of something . Until my health improves , I don't see any other solution . My body isn't what it used to be and quite honestly , it never fully recovered from my last bout with cancer . If anything , my body feels weaker .
    But what do I let go of ? Every activity I do , I really enjoy . I don't love one more than the other . Let's make a list :
1. doctor appointments
                                    they can vary . This week alone I have three . Obviously , I can't let go of this .
2. once or twice a month events
                                                  this includes things like lectures , town hall mtgs , fellowship dinners at
                                                  church and any other church event . I don't feel like giving any of that
                                                  up since it is only once a month .
3. Sunday school
                           I don't think people know how much time it takes to be involved in Children's
                           Ministry . This is also one of the ministries that it is difficult to get volunteers in .
                           It's also one of the most fulfilling of ministries . I love doing what I do , I just wish
                           there were more volunteers.
4. Women's Group
                                I have been in a group since day one . If not with my church than a girlfriend .   
                                 Not only as a Bible Study but as a fellowship with other women . I can't imagine
                                 my life without it . It is very demanding of your time but also very fulfilling
                                 spiritually .
5. my work
                  I work 9 hour days and sometimes that includes a Saturday . There is nothing that I can do
                  about my work schedule and obviously can't give this one up either.
          I literally don't know what to do . This doesn't include my errands , or housework or family events . I have no idea of what I should let go of . Maybe , I'm going about this the wrong way . Maybe , I should ask myself , what would I gain  by giving up one of these things . If I gave up Bible Study , would that time be served better doing something else ?
         I would appreciate prayers as I want to make the right decision for me . All I know is that I can't go on the way I have . I forgot my blog !!! I certainly don't write in here as much as I used to anymore . I definitely don't intend on giving this up !!

               \\\\\\\\\\

A Subdued Mood

       My left leg has been throbbing with pain . Swollen , achy from thigh to big toe . I can't take the pain any longer . My leg has been getting worse and worse . I'm  anxiously awaiting my doctor appointments . Anxiously is not really the word I want to use .
       I thought of Jesus and all the torture and abuse He endured .....all without complaint . Not even all of that for Himself , but for me .
       This past week , I have wondered what each day must have been like for Him knowing what was to come  . What were His thoughts . His feelings . As I looked around , I wondered how many people thought as I .
      Every spiritual holiday , I feel like people miss the boat .That they are so wrapped up in the commercialization of the holiday that they miss the real message...purpose . Everywhere I went , I wished people a Happy Easter and let me say this ......the majority of them smiled back and wished the same to me .
   My emotions , my mood has been very subdued lately . As I thought about the Last Supper , I thought of the significance of it . On Good Friday , I felt like crying . On Saturday , it was anticipation and nervousness . Sunday brought Jubiliation . What a glorious day that was !!!
   I still can't believe how attuned my senses were this past week . Is it my age ? My spiritual growth ? Or is it the fact that I'm in pain with my leg ? Laying here Sunday night , in more pain than ever , I wandered about Jesus and His pain . I felt like a ninny . Christ endured pain that I can't even imagine just for me . I can't even handle my own pain let alone someone else's .
   That's how much He loves me . How could I not love Him back ?!
     

Missing The Past

           Throughout this Lenten Season , I have read of many traditions that people were partaking in especially this past week . Each devotional started with , " as we prepare " . . . .  I feel like I should be doing something . Like I'm not doing enough .
           A sense of emptiness fills me and I start to analyze , reflect  and revisit my life . This is a pattern I have just discovered about myself ....a pattern that every Holiday or special event brings out in me . With everyone of these gatherings I have felt a wave of nostalgia , a sense of loss that was very hard for me to interpret . For awhile , I thought that maybe I was on a verge of something new......an experience that God wanted me to sort through .
          Alas , I think I figured out " this feeling " I've been having . I miss the traditions that we do as a family with our children .  My children are gone and there are no more special traditions to experience . They are placed on a shelf marked memories to be brought out and revisited at family gatherings .
        Children bring out something extra special to every occasion . It is called happiness and innocence . Things look differently through a child eyes . I miss those times . Now , I only have the memories .
       The positive side to all of this is that now I can make new memories with my grandchildren . Too bad they live so far away . Here's to all those TRADITIONS  we fuss about every year holiday . Happy Easter everyone .

Tea With The Mad Hatter

             Yesterday , I spent the afternoon with the Mad Hatter having tea and sandwiches . The room was filled with Alice in Wonderland decor and the ladies all wore outrageous hats ! In case , you may think I've lost my marbles , let me assure you I'm perfectly sane .
               We had our yearly "Goodbye To Winter Tea " at my church hosted by my Pastor's wife . This year's theme was Alice in Wonderland . The men served us wearing white crisp shirts and black bowties . All the ladies dressed up in zany outfits and outrageously beautiful hats .  It was just lovely . The message was based on Alice's quest to finding out " who am I "?
               Who am I ? Where am I going ? What path should I take ? What should I do ? We , as women , are everchanging . We are constantly re-discovering ourselves . I find the older I get the harder it is for me to accept change . I just want to sit in  my comfortable corner and have tea with the Mad Hatter .
               Since I have returned to work , I find myself pondering these same questions . I feel displaced in my job , my group , my ministry , my friends . Something is missing . I wish I knew what that " something " was  so I could feel complete again . I'm searching for that " comfortable corner " to sit at undisturbed . I have screamed out to God many times asking Him these same questions . This sense of displacement is unnerving to me . Another change that I really don't want .
              Our guest speaker ended the message by saying we can be sure of one thing we are ..........we are the daughters of Christ .